Of course we'll be there.... Until the stigma is gone and until society opens it's eyes and stops victimizing mothers for making the choice of life.....
This is a discussion on Boyfriend married, family not supportive. help! within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; Originally Posted by i.love.trinity Thanks masayuki.. for the time being Ya.. my husband is very good.. But years down the ...
Samuel, Her hubby is damn good to her .. even i see already also envious!
Cchangedd, I also once pondered whether i should abort or not. It's a tough decision, make it wisely. Im currently a single mom, but living even happier than in marriage life, supporting myself and baby alone.
Abortion do have alot of after-effects. My advice is Keep the baby, Leave the guy! You can make arrangements to support yourself and baby. If I, or rather we, can do it, why not you? we'll always be here for you. Right, Samuel?
When I keep quiet, doesn't means I know nothing about what is going on~!!
Items For Clearance!! http://www.flickr.com/photos/41233425@N03/
Of course we'll be there.... Until the stigma is gone and until society opens it's eyes and stops victimizing mothers for making the choice of life.....
Cchangedd, if you're still troubled about the decision to make, dont be afraid to ask us for help! And Samuel is organising a association for single parents! Althou it's not up yet, but we'll still help each other who is in need..
thanks for all your concern..I've decided to abort it..
thou very bu she..but no choice..
my grandma said that she will disown mi if i want to kip the baby..
n also said that if he's like any other normal guy, we go ROM then forget it..
but my bf is married..so she die die also dont't want me give birth to the
baby without any "Ming Fen"..she told him "you all want to be together nvm..
but if want to give birth,you divorce already then come talk to mi"..
which means that the only solution to kip the baby is him to divorce n marry mi..
Relationship between my bf n his wife:
my bf n his wife has not been in good terms as husband n wife for sometime already..
they tried being together several times but still cant work out..
the wife cant move back cuz my bf's family dont't know about
them not being real husband n wife anymore..
n her family is not ready to accept her back at all cuz
she's with father side n there's this step mother who doesn't like her..
plus her father listens to wadeva the step mother says..
n my bf thinks that he "Kui Qian"
his wife so if she never say want to leave, he won't ask her to..
Getting him to marry me; For sake of raising the kids, they can still divorce and my bf pay for the maintenance fees:
His wife is ok with divorcing him n getting him married with mi..
but she will still stay with us..she also keep telling mi that she
want to leave him asap n get a new life..but no choice cuz
she got nowhere to go n the kids still so small..
fastest also need to wait till they go kindergarten..
then my bf says that no matter what, we're just together for 4mths, very unstable..
he dont't want like anything happen in the future then need to divorce again..
n he also say that all he want is being with the person he love enough..
marriage is just a piece of paper..
he also said that if anything happens to us after baby is born,
he'll pay for the baby's expenses if i want to take the baby..
if i dont't want to kip n want to lead a new life myself,
i can give him the baby n his wife can help to take care..
of cuz i won't want to..but all these dont't apply anymore cuz
I'm aborting already..sigh..
come to think of it, if he really wanted the baby so much,
he cud have told my family that he'll marry me so that we won't have to abort it..
he told me that even if he divorce now also not enough time to get married..
at that point when he told me, my mind was blank so i did not know what to reply..
if i knew, i would have said "if you really want to kip the baby, like you said it's just a paper..
it can be done after the baby is born..that's the only solution to keeping the baby but you dont't want to.."
I'm sure if i said that, we'll end up quarreling..he will sure say after all im still so "Zai Hu"
with that piece of paper which he rather dont't want to have at all..
but nvm..I'm not ready to get married to him too..
What about the kids? How would they feel?:
Yea I've brought up this issue to him before..he just ask mi to give birth 1st then c how..
tings might not be as bad as what i thought..
his parents always want to bring the 2 kids out..so i was telling him
"if next time your 2 kids grow up already, then your parents bring them all out together,
then my baby will be wondering why they can always go out
but he/she must always stay at home.."
then my bf n his wife was saying his parents dont't really care about his life..
as long as he handles everything properly dont't give them problems can already..
n as long as that's their grandson/granddaughter, they will still dote..
so they ask mi not to worry about that..
My own thoughts:
actually I've never thought of being with him forever..
our relationship to me is like walk one step c one step..just live for the moment..
cuz initially before we got together he already told mi everything..
n say that he won't be able to give him a 'title'...
but like all of you said, I'm still young..
seriously i never thought of settling down with a guy so soon..
esp when my bf is like a control freak..it's just cuz i love him
and he treats me real well..better then how he treats his wife in the past..
his wife also told mi that herself..so i decided to stay on..
but yet preparing to leave anytime too if happens to let mi catch anything..
as for this baby, i knew one day we will go our own ways..
thou I'm still uncertain at some point of times..
cuz i know I'll lose all my freedom once it's out..
but i was ready to give birth to it if there's nothing stopping me..
i also know being unwed is far worst then being a divorcee..
but i was still so hoping that it was a gal..
still thinking that next time go out we can wear same clothes..it's so cute..
but maybe it's also fated that my family had made the decision for mi by disagreeing so strongly..
my grandma told me something which made sense..if i were to give birth,
she will be so mad at mi that she really dont't want to c me at all..
which means i cant go back my own home anymore..she asked me to think about chi new year..
when my bf n his wife brings the kids back to "Bai Nian"..all i can do with my baby is to stay in
his house wait for them to come back throughout the whole chi new year
n the saddest part is that i cant even go back my own house at all..
Seems that you have cleared your tots now...hugs..understand the emotions ugoin thru as you read the posts n replying ...
We r behind you all the way... Did you see gynae oredi?
Be strong ya...
why stay on a relationship when you know things r not going to work out?
have you considered movin bakwif your granny n start life afresh?
Abortion is not a contraceptive... If you wanna have sex..pls take precautions.. Abortiion costs money n its not good for you physically...
HE IS MARRIED WITH KIDS.
Why would you want to be with someone who cannot even promise you a legal future? Do you honestly think that he's going to leave his wife and kids for you?
He may say that he will divorce his wife, that they are not on good terms and such but until the deed is done, he is still married. And mind you, I have encountered many cases whereby the man says this and that, that he'll leave his wife and you know what? It never NEVER happens.
You are 21 years old - young and as men put it, FRESH MEAT. You have lots of time to find a good and loving man. Cherish yourself by finding one who will give you his whole heart, time and person instead it. Protect yourself by NOT getting pregnant. Use birth control. If a man truly loves you, he'll have sex with you WITH a condom AND enjoy it.
If your BF leaves you because you're protecting yourself (eg condoms or getting an abortion), then frankly, it's his loss. This world is such that if you won't even protect yourself, no one else will do the job for you. Besides, is he worth all the misery and pain that you're putting yourself through?
Wake up and smell the coffee and learn from your mistakes. Like one member said, abortion is not contraception. Buy and use condoms. It's cheaper in the long run for both your wallet and body.
Last edited by meiteoh; 01-11-2009 at 10:28 AM.
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Actually, if you are not ready to have children, nor do you believe you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, please just control yourselves and dont't have sex. Or, combined several birth control methods.
Condoms only provide 80% against pregnancy. The 99.9% we so commonly associate it with actually refers to STDs.
I am saying this because, apparently, dear daughter managed to break through the condom.
cchangedd: I believe you have made a wise decision for yourself and I am happy that you've cleared up your thoughts. Although your bf says marriage is just a piece of paper, but in Singapore, that piece of paper is very important!
Although I am against abortion, please get enough rest after you have done the procedure. If possible, ask your bf to get you a confinement lady as you will need to recover your body, as if you have just given birth. I am very sure he can afford it, since he is willing to pay maintenance fees to his wife if they divorce.
What happens in the future with your bf, nobody can say for sure. But I do believe things will be less complicated for the both of you. As many mummies/daddies have mentioned here, you still have a promising life ahead of you. Perhaps it is time to take a step back, look at what YOU want out of life, instead of putting your r/s with your bf above what you want.
Take care of yourself. If you need any emotional support, feel free to come to us.
More inspirations for mothers like you at MeaningfulMotherhood
since you've decide to abort, i wish you good luck, though i'm not supportive in abortion like the other mummies here. as long as you think this is the best decision, go for it.
and since you're going for abortion, after that pls live your life well!
my suggestion is, pls leave that guy! he keep telling you he will divorce with his wife and they have no feelings anymore BUT lik what pinkdiamonds mummy said, that piece of paper is very impt!! his wife has it you dont hav! i know i may sound very bad but outsiders will definitely think that you're their 3rd party. if one day they really divorce, both sides family will come blaming you.
in the 1st place, you shdnt get involved with a married guy, not matter how bad his and his wife's r/s were. as long as they dont sign the legal paper to divorce, they are stil husband and wife! the law take the piece of paper into consideration whether they are husband and wife and NOT hw good or bad their r/s is...
so if you still want to be with him after your abortion, sooner or later same things will happens again. one day you're be hurt very deeply!
think properly, think for yourself and your future!
Hi cchangedd, sorry to hear about your situation. I think you should leave the guy... he is really vey irresponsible and 'greedy'.. keeping you and his wife under one roof and getting you pregnant when he has yet to divorce a wife whom he CLAIMS he has no feelings with. If he really loves you, he would not have land you in such a messy state!!!
You are still young and capable of working. I believe you can bring up the kid if you want to (find a nanny, help from infant care...) You would have to work very hard but if you can give yourself and your child a good start, guess it will be worth it. Actually to keep the kid or not, the decision is yours cos no matter what we say, you are the one who has to bring up the kid... Consider carefully before you make a final decision. dont't regret after that...
Take care of your health k... i know is hard for you.... sayang~~ but i still think you should leave him & start a new life... since you r still young... dont't waste,, you might find someone that is much much better...
your grandma is just saying words of anger.
if you really need her, will she really dump you aside? after raising you up?
NO, bcos she truly loves you.
n since you never thought of being settling down with him, then why in the first place get yourself in this mess?
you had an abortion before right?
still have not't learn this big lesson?
why didnt you learn to protect yourself n now, your child?
why did you even move in to cohabit with him?
i hope you understand that, you got yourself into this mess.
n it's time you wake up n get out of it.
n IMHO, you shld leave this immature boy, n move back to your grandma.
learn to grow up n be responsible for your own actions. it takes 2 hands to clap.
once bitten twice shy, well, this time, is your second time getting bitten.
i really hope you learnt a lesson from this, n wont repeat it another time.
like i said before, if you think you are matured enough to have sex, then you are matured to be responsible for it n the consequences. if you are not ready to be responsible, then dont freaking have sex!
pardon me for my harshness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Im quite sad to know yr decision. Abortion the easiest way out.. murdering innocent lives.. you can still give it up for adoption thats y I say seek expert advise for alternatives, there are couples who cannot have children even after seeking a lot of medical treatments,and those who is able to just throw it just like that... since you decided wish you all the best. In future pls use precautions and think of all the consequences before getting into troubles..
My thoughts about the matter:
Marriage is not a piece of paper, it's a lifelong commitment and sacrament....
If he can give excuses like that for the failure of his marriage, he's just a immature little boy....
After all that has happened and all he has put you through, you are still defending him.... I cried when I read your reply, not because you have chosen abortion, but because you have chosen to continue to believe in such a man, and chosen to destroy your own life by staying with him....
May I ask what would happen if you get pregnant again after this? Would the same excuses apply again? Would it be better to abort again? With the baby at 16 weeks, you are putting yourself at a very great risk, what if an accident happens during abortion?
Please read here: Health Promotion Board - Abortion – The Facts
There are severe risks to aborting after 12 weeks....
I also believe in being fair and tell you that being a single mum is no easy task....
The unfairness and stigma will most likely follow you for quite a time....
What I'm suggesting is that you consider adoption for your child, for the sake of your child and your own health....
And for your own sake, please wake up and stop defending a man that does not deserve your love or loyalty....
The following site also explains the abortion methods used at different stages of pregnancy: Abortion Methods - How Different Types of Surgical Abortions are Performed
At the end of the day, it's till your choice; Choose a future you really want!
I just confronted my dad on his infidelity over the weekend; it's really these greedy married men who go around causing so much problems; personally, I would love to go kick the crap out of cchangedd's bf....
Last edited by masayuki; 02-11-2009 at 11:08 AM.
I saw the link i feel so sad.... is like so cruel to kill a life... just because the baby is not planned... i think if you dont't want any baby... in the first place you should protect yourself when having sex... cause is small life that you r talking about... & also i think you should leave him.. cause his life is in a mess.. y still put yourself in the messy life??? you still can choose to give birth & like what others say.. put for adoption... cause if you go for abortion... you might risk your chance of having a baby next time... what if you find a guy that you wanna marry to?? what of you want to have a baby with him?? .. pls do think about it again...
i think your child in your tummy will feel that you dont't want Him/Her also... they will be very upset...
I honestly cannot imagine anyone not wanting their babies. They are such sweet little angels and they didnt ask to be conceived. If you conceive, you have to be responsible for the child. And I saw from your ticker that you're already 16 weeks! If you are feeling his/her movements, can you still bear to kill the baby?
I may sound judgemental here but your relationship with this man is really complicated. His wife and kids are still staying under one roof and they are not divorced. How does that make you?? A third party. The other woman. Would you like people to label you like that? And you are with him despite knowing he's married, sigh ... cchangedd, if he can cheat on his wife, he can also cheat on you in future. I have no good suggestion, but pls learn from this lesson and do not get yourself into a similar situation in future. I really feel sad for your baby.
full time working mum with 3 kids (8yo, 6yo and a toddler born in Oct 2009)
i have been following yr posts but not yet replied....
actually i thought you would have sorted out yr thoughts and keep your baby...coz i saw yr pregnancy ticker....its Your Precious One issit it?
at 16 weeks yr fetus have developed kicking/flying somersault etc....i mean its alive and you can already feel its movements....no longer a tiny tadpole.........why not just feel for it and keep it?
i dont know but it just saddens me to see you goin for abortion......
wadever you chooses, wish you the best, live for yourself as well as your baby.....if you changed yr mind.....
Perhaps it is easily said than done ...
Imagine her ordeal of 10 months pregnancy and without family support? also being 21 years old?
I am not sure how many is able to go through all these ... unless there is an organization in Singapore which is able to help young mummy in such situation both financially and emotionally ...
As for the organisation, we are almost there, just a few more weeks till I can secure help and funding from other agencies to get us going!
If anyone here knows of someone in need, I can at this point help to secure emotional support, housing and protection on a limited case by case basis....
Still looking for good hearted people to pledge monthly to support unwed mums who have no one to turn to....