Coz my hubby is asking me to go back to work on the pretext that we need the extra cash. :/ Hai...
This is a discussion on Constantly at odds with the hubby and more within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; meiteoh, y do you 'have to' go back to work? cos you were saying you are keen to take care ...
meiteoh, y do you 'have to' go back to work? cos you were saying you are keen to take care of eva full time but 'have to' go back to work.
Coz my hubby is asking me to go back to work on the pretext that we need the extra cash. :/ Hai...
oh no... if you dont like to work, ,maybe can discuss with him? sometimes i do feel we woman a bit pitiful as in... we always need to 'follow' hubby n throw our current life.. eg for me as well.. i was staying in sg but then moved to japan n when i finally got used to life in japan n having a great job, we need to move to taiwan... n soon after giving birth to my girl when im still not really hands on being a new mummy, having the stress n all.. we got to move back to japan..wats worse is that hubby is also facing the stress of moving which made him lost his cool often n shouts at me, saying things like im not using my brain, im stupid, i cant get anything done n all which hurts me alot(he dont usually shouts at me). sometimes its kinda no choice? the best way is to talk to him n see if you both can get a way that is best?
my hubby always tell me that IF i wanna go back to work i can. but then i dont want. not because i dont like working but then i dont feel at ease putting my girl with anyone else other than myself...
for my case, i cant really 'talk' to hubby even.. cos he will say im selfish to keep talking bout my feelings n didnt bother to ask bout his. so i gave up talking to him bout my feelings... not healthy in the long run i know but then again.. what to do? haha
Last edited by annie; 11-11-2009 at 12:21 PM.
Like what diymummy said, it's not about whether being a stay at home mum or a FT working mum is better. It's really what your priorities are in life and it seems that yours is Eva and your hubby's is finances. Must you really go back to work? But I also recall that you do feel like going back to work sometimes coz you aren't really adjusted to the life of a stay at home mum. It will be emotionally very draining for you if you go on this way. If you want to be a stay at home mum and can afford to (by scrimping and saving here and there), then you must be prepared for the monotonous and routine life of a stay at home mum. If you wanna go back to work, then you have to get used to the idea of having someone look after Eva. It's difficult I know. But it's something you have to get sorted out before you sink deeper into depression. PM me if you need a listening ear.
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I think when Eva is bigger, maybe 6 mths, things will get better.... when we are more used to being a stay at home mum, and when you and hubbs are getting used to the new life with introduction of Eva.
Me and hubbs dont plans like you eat first or i eat first... we just follow the flow.... he concentrate at work.... i focus my effort for our son....
I support and understand when he needs to come home late... he let me rant and throw tempers at time when i get frustrated with taking care of Alaric.
Slowly we all learn and it takes time to learn....
I went through this period and even thinking of divorce.... it was also when Alaric was about 2-4 months...
We just had enuff of each other... now.... we are used to the nonsenses.... for now.....
take things with a pinch of salt.... focus else where... dote on yourself....
anyway thought you "reopen/relaunch" your online store? y still wanna go work? that can bring some income for yourself right?
i can understand how you feel, my hubby will tell me "the whole world does not revolve around you, you know?
i told him, all i need is for you to be a sponge and not to give me your 2 cents worth of opinion (his opinions are largely targeted at me like "you shld have said this" , "you shld not have said this", "why you say this" "your chain of tots is not there"
so i told him, "you cannot expect me to talk in the way you wants me to talk, cos im not you" ((what we are saying is same facts, its just that the sequence is wrong, then he not happy that i say wrong"
or he would just be busy "catching" what i pronounced wrongly or said wrongly ...and not to listen to the final conclusion ..then make me no confidence to continue talking about it
walau..wonder is it bcos he is engineering background thats why they are more chronological and sequential?
lol my hubby does that too! he will lost patient listening to me n then tell me..'i dont know what you r trying to say'. then i give up n tell him 'forget it'. i feel my words are very straight n simple but then to him, im either not being specific or my sentence structure is strange to him. imo, he just have no patient to listen n digest. oh well~
yah same as domique.. i used to think that our relationship is going downhill due to my girl.. cos he got very impatient with me n keeps blaming me for everything, pass sarcastic remarks n all which i thought i might be happier without him n all... a few times i did think bout divorce too. i think this is just part n parcel of being a new parent..
meiteoh i think you need to sort out what you want. cos i also remember you saying you sometimes dread being a stay at home mum. even though i dread that i have no more life of my own, i know well i wanna be a stay at home mum for my girl n dont wanna go to work..
I think I must have sound confusing to you gals - first say one, then say two. :P
In the beginning, I was having a really tough time adjusting to being an stay at home mum. I hadn't expected it to be this difficult - perhaps it was because I was adjusting to moving to Singapore as well; new environment and so forth. I wouldn't blame it entirely on hormones coz it's just not right. I'll be frank - I dont't fair well in big and crowded places. I didn't like KL and when I had to move to Switzerland, I was happy. Initially, it was boring there but I found a part-time job and all, kept myself occupied and I was starting to enjoy myself when my hubby made the decision to come back to Asia. I cried.
You would think that I'd be happy being closer to home and all but I wasn't - I have meddlesome parents and being FAR away gave me the space I needed. Plus in Switzerland, we had agreed that I dedicated a good number of years to caring for children - we wanted to have three and I wanted to spend at least the first two years with them (so a total of six years and such). Coming back to Singapore just puts a damper on these plans coz (sorry if I offend anyone) I find that the culture in Asia isn't very conducive towards SAHMs. I always get the feeling that I'm being expected to go back to work and juggle a career & family, that my decision to be an stay at home mum means that I'm wasting my postgrad for nothing and that I'm being a burden on my hubby. Coming back meant having to listen constantly to things like "you should go back to work now that your kid is older, etc, etc". I know that I cannot change - people will always talk - but I can't help but feel the pressure and such.
But my hubby needed a job even though his current salary is way lower than what he was getting from the retrenchment scheme. My hubby is only earning 3.5K so we're definitely not in expat earning capacity. :/ So we moved to Singapore. From the start, having to deal with the move, a new baby, finding a house and then settling in, it was tough for the both of us. But then my parents come in and start bugging me with "you should find a job and help Nil lighten the load", "you should send Eva to us", "you should this and that" - I can't tell them off so it just keeps coming like missiles.
Then when I start adjusting to being a stay at home mum (I decided to open up my shop and keep busy trying stock it), I kept getting hints and the impression that I have to go back to work because we need the money. It's one adjustment after another and after months of adjusting like crazy, I just couldn't take it anymore. I refuse to give in. I gave up a lot for my marriage and I was really tired of giving more.
Yesterday, I came very close - for the first time ever - to walking out on my marriage. The only thing that stopped me was that my mum didn't pick up the phone twice and later, when she rang, I was busy playing with my daugther. Talk about divine intervention.
I had a long chat with the hubby - I wrote him a long letter telling him how I felt and we talked after dinner - and we cleared up a lot of things. I have always felt guilty since the move about being a stay at home mum plus the pressure to go back to work and all; as it turns out, he never wanted to force me to go back to work. He thought that I was the one who wanted to go back to work so he just went with the flow. He always wanted me to do what I want to do - whether it's going back to work or being a stay at home mum. So we decided to shelf the work plans for now and that *I* can go back to work whenever I want to. If I want to, I can concentrate on the shop and taking care of Eva.
I was very worried that we weren't doing well financially but he reassured me that things are okay, that we can still save - just need to cut back on luxuries and plan things out like what we used to do in Switzerland.
Y'know, I never anticipated that things would be this tough...even my hubby hadn't counted on just how life changing it would be, being a parent. Right now, things are sort of settled but it's still rocky between the two of us. All this, I wouldn't deny, has had an impact on our marriage but I can see that he's making a lot of effort to make me happy as well so...I'll need to share the load too. (That's my problem - even when we were dating, I like to carry my burdens myself...geh.)
Now I just need to figure out how to shut my parents up. :/
Last edited by meiteoh; 12-11-2009 at 10:02 AM.
Glad things are ironed out for now. It'll continue to be bumpy... As with any 2 humans coming together... But the difference in marriage is that you're commited to one another to make things work.
It's really cool to see how the both of you are confiding in one another and communicating with one another. Feel that nowadays the downfall of some marriages is the breakdown in communication.
I also tend to keep things to myself. But I've learnt to open up to my hubby and things are not so bad as I thought. It stamps out assumptions and thoughts playing on you. Most times, it's our perceptions that make us depressed and our thoughts going round in circles.
agreed with diymummy, communication is very important. my hubby always makes me talk whenever he sees me unhappy, he'll rather listen to my problems than see me sulking and keeping Very Quiet to myself and to him. my hubby is the calm and can-take-things-easy type, the opposite of me who easily get stressed.
So i'm glad that you managed to sort your feelings out and that your hubby is understanding, next time dont't keep things to yourself and talk to hubby maybe during weekends when he's not tired from work.
i made lots of sacrifices for our marriage too, including staying here(prefer to live in indonesia), giving up the well paying job in my company and being far from my family. initially it was hard cos i dont't feel willing to to all these but slowly i see that my hubby works really hard and he's very concern about me, gives me lots of attention and do almost everything i requested.
it takes time to adjust to new things in life.
for financial matter it's natural for most women to feel insecure for not having savings/income. but i guess we have to learn to feel contented even if our hubby earns just-enough-for-the-month or have little savings, little bit still better than nothing. i also learnt to look at more of my unfortunate friends/relative whose husband is in debt or unemployed(lazy) or being a irresponsible breadwinner(super stingy).
as for the nagging parents, we can't shut them up so try not to take their words to heart. alot of parents are naggy cos they are over-concern, so just try to ignore what they say.
sorry for the long post.. wish you all the best on your business.. it's good to be able to do something you enjoy and yet make an earning at the same time. i dont't have such talent like sewing/baking that can earn me $ from home, haha..
meiteoh, was your mum a stay at home mum?
if she is, use that back on her.
if she isnt, also use that on her saying you wanna be there for eva for her first few years of her life bcos your mum wasnt...
sorry if its offensive, but i use that on my mum sometimes when i want to do certain things for pin.
like saying : cos when i was young, i dont have this/that, so i want pin to have it.....
everytime i thought of walking out of the marriage n the only 'thing' that stopped me thinking bout it is my girl hee. i want to give her a healthy family.
anyway i realised everytime you had some problems, it always end settled after you had a talk with your hubby. didnt you realised that? so in future if you had any problems you should just talk it out with him. having a baby change a couple's life. no doubt about it. you jsut need to slowly get used to it.
i have the same situation as you so i understand how you feel. i didnt like going back to singapore too. my mum dosent tell me 'i should' or whatsoever but then she likes to nag n nag or comment n comment which makes me feel very stress when i went back with my girl. i find my peace staying here in tokyo as well.
as i mentioned, i moved from sg to tokyo then to taiwan and back to tokyo. when i jsut came to tokyo for the first time, i was crying for 3 whole mths! because i dont know the language.. then i cant even take a train as i cant read, i cant ask ppl if i lost my way, i cant buy my meals as the menu are all in japanese (i dont stay in shibuya or those expats area where they have english menus and the staffs speaks some english..). i cry anywhere even when i was sitting in the train. ppl must have thought im crazy! but then.. after i got over all these.. i found a free lance job as a tutor and i was earning quite a fair bit and going to the gym 4 times a week etc n enjoying my life when my hubby told me he need to move to taiwan. i didnt cry due to this but then i felt the same as you..'ive just got used to living here n having a great job n now i need to move?!?!?!'
but one thing i realised... you seem to feel ' you GAVE UP alot for this marriage' which i feel is rather unhealthy... i never felt ive given up anything though of cos i did ALOT! cos if you keep feeling you gave up/sacrifice alot FOR this marriage or for your hubby, then you will feel very 'wei qu'. not healthy for the long run... i believe no one force you to give up anything. you do it because you thought bout it n decided that it is better to give up isnt it? then thinking that you sacrifice because you 'want to' is a healtier option imo...
Last edited by annie; 12-11-2009 at 10:43 AM.
hi mummies, wah, listening to you, i realised that my hubby is of the same pattern as your hubbies!
"The world doesn't revolve around you" line- check
the not listening to me and zoning out part- check
the not bothering about my ger when he's having his 'me' time- check
I think being married to another person takes a lot of work, and having a baby adds to the stress.
Our neighbours can hear all our quarrels, so much so that i'm so embarrassed to meet them in the carpark!
but every time i feel like giving up, i just look at my little ger, and then i'll tell myself that i have to be a better person for her.
the good thing is that my hubby is slowly changing after all our quarrels, and i'm slowly trying to control my temper too.
lol uddermummy you sound power! so much so that neighbours also can hear hehe. i dont quarrel with hubby cos mainly im weak lol. everytime i quarrel n get agitated i sure cry n i dont wish to appear weak lol. n also.. hubby sometimes says some irresponsible words when we qurrel which makes me get more angry with him.. though he does change after each quarrel as well! so if i can endure, i try to settle within myself n accept that. if cannot then i will bring out to talk but then talk(peaceful talk). but it usually ends with hubby saying some irresponsible words then i will jsut tell him 'ok ok forget about what ive said.' then end the 'talk' lol. but guess he does some self reflect after that n change despite the irresponsible words hehe
annie, i know, i know... i'm the opposite of you. I 'm the type who will sometimes scold or be very sarcastic to strangers when they do things that irritate me, like jumping the queue etc. I even drove after a bus driver to honk him for five minutes after he cut into my lane and almost caused me to have an accident!
But loud not good .... I think my ger is starting to scream also, because hubby and i are always quarrelling.
actually, i think it's good to be softspoken, because two loud and angry persons will only become louder and angrier in an argument!
Ting, my mum looks down on SAHMs. She was a working mum and she used to tell me that housewives are ignorant, not in touch with the world and basically parasites. It's the whole old-school Asian idea that a stay at home mum is a burden on her husband. My dad is the same as well. They both expect me to be some superwife. Thankgawd, I'm not married to either of them! Otherwise, mati.
annie, yeah, you're right. It's because I feel like I was forced that I ended up being so resentful and bitter. But after I talked to my hubby, I realized that it was just a misunderstanding (heh, what's new ). He actually genuinely thought that moving to somewhere where I dont't have to learn a new language, where I am familiar with the food and all would be ok for us - like a bonus to him having a job. He's trying his best to make me happy and when I'm not bogged down with all these negative thoughts, I can see that he too has made his own sacrifices and is trying really hard to cope. So just need to relook at things a little, I guess.
Honey, I guess it's my way of killing time (all the sewing and stuff) - otherwise I'll be so sian . :/
yea yea exactly what i meant. if you keep feeling that you sacrifice for someone or something then you will feel very bitter n resentful.. but if you look at it as 'you decided to do this' then you wont feel that way. also wont blame your hubby subconciously. i can sense that your hubby is a very nice guy!~ he is so considerate to you! you r a lucky girl! hehe.
wah your mum... very... err..dont know what to say bout her lol
btw, now you xian but you will be super busy with eva soon! once she start solid you got to cook.. once she become more mobile n take lesser naps etc.. you will miss your 'xian' period lol. i love to knit but no time! lol
Last edited by annie; 12-11-2009 at 03:21 PM.
yes keeping yourself busy is good, it won't allow your mind to be so 'free' to think about negative thoughts.
your mum actually quite similar to mine, she actually complained that i shouldn't have baby so early, i'm wasting my certificates, can't depend on men 100% for money, i should be earning and paying her back(i know and i'm sorry i can't do this now) but i told myself this is my life and hubby takes care of me, the person i should listen to is hubby now and hubby dont't mind me not working so why should i bother about what my mum said.
annie, i agree with you, once i learnt to stop thinking i have sacrificed this and that i'm a more happier and contented person.
Y'know what's funny? In Switzerland, I never thought I sacrificed this or that. I told myself that I was happy to give up a good paying job, nice colleagues, good career advancement to be with someone I love. That it was worth everything. I guess the transition from being just a wife to being a wife & mum made me kind of tired and frustrated. Then I have this insane and stupid habit of bottling up things so lagi, it'll fester and fester and fester.
He is a good man and yesterday, I was reminded as to why I fell in love with him and eventually married him. And I'm sure that you didn't marry your hubby for nothing.
You guys know the saying "Never let the sun go down on your anger"? It's true for me. I find that every time I go to bed angry, I wake up feeling okay but the anger still remains inside, and it just grows until I can't take it anymore. Now I have new motto - talk more, have more sex (HEHEHEHE - seriously, because of this, we didn't have sex for more than a month and mind you, we used to go at it every day or minimum three times a week, even up till the day of my delivery!) and enjoy life more. It's too short to be angry all the time. :P
Last edited by meiteoh; 12-11-2009 at 08:10 PM.
whahahah funny you! anyway you sound happy all again! happy for you hehe.
yeah there was once i had a quarrel with hubby n from my words, he knows im thinking of getting a divorce (he knows me too well lol) n then he told me he know he is wrong n he needs to remind himself y he got together with me n married me so he will treasure me more lol. anyway hubby always joke n says he marry me to save the world lol. cos he say im a TERRIBLE woman n he needs to voluteer to 'take' me so that other men will not suffer lol. oh well~
guess we are similar in one way or another. i too have the habit of bottling everything up inside me n go to sleep BUT i dont get better the next day lol. sometimes i cant sleep even.. but then once i sorted out my thoughts i will be fine n the anger will be gone forever even if i didnt talk to hubby...
well well.. me n hubby too have not have alot of sex ever since i got my girl. we did rather often when i was preggy still but got lesser when my tummy got bigger n even lesser after birth! lol. at first its cos i worry bout the pain as i delivered naturally.. the other reason of cos is im too busy with my girl n has no mood by the end of the day since when she was newborn, she wakes up alot of times in the night n all i want that time is to SLEEP! hehe. we have not been having sex in the bedroom ever since my girl is born cos worry we will wake her up...when will sex life ever be the same? hehe.
erm, we tried once when dear daughter was wide awake in the bed with us, but thought that it should be okay cos she was entertaining herself.
and then my girl started giggling and rolled over and hugged my back cos she thought that we were playing with her!
i couldn't tahan and kept laughing! after that, no more mood for action . wahahaha.
wahahhaha funny you! i dont like to let my girl see.. i feel its a bit err.. hehe
yeah, actually we both dont't want my girl to see but if we wait for her to sleep, both of us will also be tired ...
i think cannot let her see when she's older, like around jumpy's age.