whoa... better open your own bank account for insurance.
This is a discussion on feel like exploding within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; Hi, i really need to vent out. I dont know who to confide coz i just feel lost. We have ...
Hi, i really need to vent out. I dont know who to confide coz i just feel lost. We have been married for 6 yrs with two wonderful children, boy 5 yrs & girl 3 yrs.. Things have been ok with the occassional disagreements.. I am the outspoken sort while he's the quiet sort.. Recently i discovered that he had been using money from our joint account without telling me for the past 3 yrs! i was so shocked and have been screaming at him for the past 2 days. Now i feel that i hate him so much. I even threathen him with divorce. He claim he withdraw almost every wk for his own expenses with d family n was too embarassed to tell me his pay is not enough.. we worked together so we are always together.I never checked the account coz i trust him. the account is used solely for the rental income we got from renting out our flat as we staying with my dad. He claimed it's all used for the family expenses n there's no third party. i feel betrayed. its hard to trust him again. i guess we do have some communication problems. i just feel so depressed..
whoa... better open your own bank account for insurance.
where is salary goes to? goes to your joint acc then you give him monthly allowance or another way round which his salary goes to his own acc and he give you monthly allowance? if it goes to the joint acc and he only get his monthly spending allowance, then you will have to see whether the amount is enough for him anot. cos he still has to pay for the expenses when your go out. if is the latter one, then maybe he really dont know how to manage his finance well.
i know you feel very angry, cos you feel 'cheated' and feel that he should be honest to you. maybe can sit down and tok to him, ask him hw come his monthly salary is not enough and make necessary adjustment.
you can go to the bank and request to change the acc to those that need both parties signatures in order to without money. this is safer and you need not wry him going to withdraw the money without your acknowledgement and in the meantime, can control from spending.
yes i agree with apollo, i think you shld sit down and talk to your hubby first. to D over money issues is quite unreasonable, isnt it?
maybe his salary really isnt enough to cover up the expenses for the family? sometimes we might think its not alot (bcos you r not the one paying), but daily can add up to quite a bit.
work out the expenses and see which area need to adjust and control. when you all go out, do you help to fork out and pay for the expenses?
you mentioned that he felt embarrassed to admit to you. there must be reasons why he avoid discussing such stuff with you. sounds like a communication problem stemmed from your character.
you mentioned that you are the louder person as compared to your husband. maybe you tend to say unwanted/hurtful remarks or lose your temper easily such that he finds it tedious to communicate with you? you mentioned you 'screamed' at him for 2 days.. that is very long. you scream means he has no chance speak up as you take up most of the air time!
i'm just guessing that this would be the root cause of the communication problem. whether he did wrong or not, you will be at fault if you simply scream at him and lose your temper. the most essential thing to do now is to work out the budget, see where can be saved, which expenses to cut.
i'm just like that too. anything wrong, i'll just let lose and be very angry with my hubby for a day or more. sometimes, i find myself getting upset over things that is small. my mum keep reminding me guys dont't like to be nagged at. but i just can't help it. my hubby is the quiet kind also.. he will just let me nag a lot. as of now, he didn't hide anything from me (yet). but i know, if i continue with such attitude/behavior/nagging towards him, one day he will start doing things without telling me. so i'm cutting back now and controlling myself..
no point losing your temper and harping on what he did. right now is to solve the problem. work out a proper plan, budget. ask him replace the money if possible. when he start explaining himself, dont't cut in with why he did wrong, etc. give him his air time to say his reasons and his point of view (i always cut and interrupt my hubby when he tries to explain.. bad of me. trying to improve too.) previously, my dad took my mum's jewelry to pawn. but he made it a point to buy them back and he did. he was tight with money and just want to tide over his crisis (he was starting off as an insurance agent and did not have much income for first few months, now he is among the top sellers). things can be improved. dont't see it as a dead end.
hope things will turn well!
Last edited by Edwinie; 23-05-2011 at 10:40 AM.
Hi, thanks all for your advice. Really appreciate it.
After almost 3 days, I have calmed down a bit and able to rationalise my thoughts.
We each have our own separate accounts in which I monitor both our expenses. I have to admit that since he has been paying for most expenses (60-40 actually), he has barely enough left for himself.
We were not supposed to touch our joint account (containing the rental income). Thus i was so pissed when i discovered about it.
It's true about what you said, Edwinnie. I'm the sort who lose my temper easily and say hurtful things which I dont't mean. Will tend to brush him off when I get annoyed. Sometimes I wish he can be more expressive.
He even mentioned that he used some money to forward some of the debtors' payments. (Ours is a family business). sigh...
He wants to make up for it. He wants to let me manage 100% of all finances.
I was thinking that it will be a bruise to his ego but on the other hand, I dont't trust him to handle his finance anymore.
good news. I also handle all the finances. Men are using it either on booze, gambling or women. It is in the blood some say.
qrystall, i'm same as you, my temper can gets very bad if my hub does something i feel is wrong. but after few yrs of getting along with him, i kinda change my character. and nowadays we seldom quarrel on small issues cos i try not to lose temper before hearing what my hub's explanations. losing temper does not help but only worsen the r/s. now, when i;m angry over something, i will just keep quiet, dont tok to him for awhile and let myself cool down. it is always best to sit down n tok after cooling down so you will not say nasty words to hurt his feelings.
If you want him to be more expressive, you have to control your temper 1st. cos if your temper is bad, how is he going to express his feelings and tell you how he actually feels? one word wrong and he scare you will get angry. right? =)
i'm the one who so-called 'control' the finance. cos my hub cannot manage money well, and he himself admitted it. he can forget to pay the bills, forget to set aside money for certain things etc etc.
$$$ can be re-earn . Better work on the communication first .
Please sort out this issue first and after that forget it entirely . Do not mention this anymore the next time you quarrel over other thing and make things all ugly again .
Since you mention he ask you to handle all $$$ issues and yet scare that he will bruised the ego , why not tell him you will test out this new "position" for 2 months and see what difficulty he faced and then tried to find a soln to it and then let him handle it again after 2 month later .
You need to be in his shoes first before knowing what problem he faced.
dont't know why, my hubby also not very good with finances. he can't bother to read his bills and bank statements. and i have to budget everything for him. tell him his salary how much goes to savings, to parents, to expenses, to bills... this is essential and he dont't bother to do such planning.. is it a guy thing?
lucky he dont't anyhow spend on things unnecessarily. otherwise, i think i'll explode too.
qrystall: from the sounds of it, your hubby didn't anyhow spend on unnecessary things but it's really he was tight in cash and spent it on the usual expenses. he sounds apologetic. now that you also acknowledge about your temper, it's for both to change.. thanks for starting this thread. reminds me of my own temper and reminds me to change too..
I see things in a very different view. I've got a very lax view of money. I've to admit that. In my opinion, money can always be earned but not face and dignity at times. My hubby is not that great with money and me too. We shop, dine and travel a fair bit. But if you ask us, we'll tell you that we're quite happy. Hubby and me have separate saving accounts. He pays for rent (we're renting in HK) and whatever he wants to. But I decided that I'll do the saving for us as he has already put out a huge amount for rent. What I'm saying is that men need face. Imagine him asking you for money because he doesn't have enough for lunch with his friends or for daily expenses. How does he feel asking for money? Put yourself in his shoes and maybe you might understand better. I've not taken a cent from my parents since I was 18 and I understand how it feels asking money from someone. Cut him some slack. As along as he's not having an affair or flirting or gambling, I think it's fine. Even if he's having a couple of drinks with his friends, I dont't see what's wrong. Unless he's an alcoholic.
Remember, men who do not explode or get angry, are the ones that you should be wary. Quite often these sort of men, when they are very mad and angry, they will just walk away. And when they walk away, they may not return.
right now, i can't subscribe to your mantra yet.
for my case, we do not have much savings. we have no extra money that we can use for emergency or in the event that we need to spend more. hence, i'm very strict now, esp with savings.. but when earnings and money becomes more stable, i'm more of your style. i used to treat money the way you do before i marry (more of in a relaxed way and not uptight over it). now that i'm married, we are very cash tight now. need to meet a lot of future expenses.
i dont't control purse strings. i budget the amount available for him to use after deducting expenses and savings. he can spend on anything, i dont't care much. but of course, i make sure it is enough for 3 meals a day at least with some spare cash. i have not't graduate yet, so he is the sole breadwinner. the feeling of not enough money sucks a lot.. that's what i'm feeling now. need to save for a home, need to save for a delayed wedding banquet (not our idea, my dad's idea. if can, i also dont't want), plus my son's childcare expenses when he reaches 18 months.. i won't let either of us touch the savings unless we really really need it.
once we are stable, yes. MONEY CAN BE EARNED!! and then i can relax and spend (within our limits) just like you and your husband. i'm looking forward. haha!!
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Edwinie, sorry if I came across as being frivolous with money. I've actually been through hard times. And yes, even going through difficult times with no money and I still have such a bad attitude with money. I know. I shake my head at myself sometimes. I went to Australia to study with very little help from my family. It was hard. There were times that I had to borrow money from friends. And I worked 2 jobs to stay afloat. Graduated and at 27 and boyfriend (hubby now), 28, after working for like 4 years or so, we hard to borrow 5K from a friend to help us with our downpayment for our resale flat. Yes, it was that bad. But during those times, I realised that the more I tried to hold on to our money and the more I tried to control hubby's money, the more we dont't really save and the more we fought. When things got better and more stable, hubby used to give me about 600 to 800 for spending money and this is on top of my salary which I didn't have to contribute to anything in the household. He paid for everything. I was working as a teacher then. I would racked up enormous amounts of credit card bills. He didn't know anything till I left for Sydney to do my masters. It was shocking now that I look back. And of course, my allowance was cut and I had to learn from my spending mistakes.
Now, all fixed. I've learnt from my mistakes. And the fights about money has stopped. I realised that whenever we fight about money, I would get pissed and purposefully go and buy something to spite him. Like 3 pairs of the same pants in different colours. And he would purposefully spend his money on whatever he fancies. So this fighting about money used to lead us into more debts. So our philosophy in life now, spend within our means, save maybe 5 to 10% of our salary. And very importantly, we never control each other's money. We see it as a common asset but at the same time, as individual asset. We're in a comfortable zone now. We have savings of about 2 months of salary and sure it could be more if we travelled less but we see travelling as essential. It refreshes us and takes the stresses of life away from us.
i want to reach that stage. now i'm counting every penny because we have tight finances and big aspirations (i.e. owning a home without depending on anyone). i count until i very 辛苦.. lol!
"we never control each other's money. We see it as a common asset but at the same time, as individual asset" <<<--- same here. =) sounds ironic but i get what you mean!
ask him where did he spent his salary?
Yes, I do agree that money can be earned back. Easy come easy go some says.
I have just discovered that hubby has not been giving my dad's monthly $ contribution for the past months.
He claimed everytime my dad refused and so he kept it. But whenever I asked him, he would say he gave already. I feel so vexed and frustrated.
He admitted that he kept the money in the end to use for our family expenses. It's very disappointing that he doesn't tell me things in terms of finance.
With regard to my earlier posts, I am handling all our finances now. Previously I have to keep reminding him to pay bills, kids' sch fees, etc. It's really tiring and I will come across as nagging at him. But if I dont't nag things will never get done. sigh..
I feel so irritated.
Good for him to see a councellor about finance management.
Haha noelmum, can't agree with you more. Same views about money and lifestyle. BUt somehow now that we have a baby on the way, my husband says we need to revaluate our spending habits.. cos i suggested bringing baby out to the US for a shopping spree right after confinement. wahahha
women's fuse are short. Always can blow the top over some small matter.
It better to have own separate acct plus a joint acct for daily expenses & purchase of big items.
I let my wife hold the card access to the ATM while i monitor thru online banking.