r you the only child? was she like that since you r young??
have you thought of talking to her, about how you feel? Since shes your mum and you r her daughter, things shouldnt be kept quiet between the both of you.
This is a discussion on I resent my mother within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; Ever since I'm pregnant.. I feel like my own mother dont't really feel that excited for me... There's a few ...
Ever since I'm pregnant.. I feel like my own mother dont't really feel that excited for me... There's a few times she made me really pissed off.
I stayed w my husband family and only go home maybe twice a month since pregnant.. And its not everytime I go home my mum will cook dinner... Sometimes she will cook but sometimes stl takeaway from outside...
There's even one time I asked her to cook but she keep complaining about dirtying her kitchen, like it's all she ever care about. cuz shes An extremely clean freak... Which makes me damn pissed cuz when I'm pregnant, all she cares is her kitchen. So far until now I can count like hw many times she cooked since I'm pregnant... about 3-4 times Only. And she until now also never buy any herbs or bird nest for me... I see my my friend s mum buy this buy that n prepare this prepare that for them when pregnant... Super excited... But I see my mum... I pregnant or no pregnant also the same.... How come??
I can't stand her cleaning the house everyday ... She seems very concerned about her house n kitchen cleanliness ... But seriously, e house is already damn clean i tell you.. Y can't she let go abit and focus on what is more 'impt'?? She can clean her house until dont want attend famiy gatherings... dont want visit my grandma... dont want to be more concern about her surrounding things... Etc etc... I dont know y her thinking like that... Even my birthday she never do anything ... I wonder if she really cares anot? She's like so different from other mums... I'm not trying to compare.. Just that she hardly does anything that make me feel very loved... Even my mother in law who I not very close with also bought quite expensive stuff like herb drinks for me for my pegnancy....
I Just can't help having this resentment toward my mum...
r you the only child? was she like that since you r young??
have you thought of talking to her, about how you feel? Since shes your mum and you r her daughter, things shouldnt be kept quiet between the both of you.
If I talk to her wait she not happy n quarrel agn... I also dont feel like quarrelling w her since I go back few times a month...
Just dont know y can't she just show abit more excitement n enthusiatic about my pregnancy than being nonchalant.....
actually i feel that is not that your mum not concern about your pregnancy, i think is due to her character. from what you post, she is really very clean freak! actually is not good to be too clean at times, she is stressing herself actually. IMO, to her being clean is impt than anything and becos of wanting to be CLEAN, she is feeling very stressful thus she cant be bothered to care about the other things.
Maybe is just that she is not that type who show her care & concern?? does she treat your sis the same? that time when i just given birth was doing confindment.. i also feel that my mum dont care.. because i was in the toliet due to upset tummy... & i ask her take care of my boy a while... when my son poo... she dont't even wanna help me to clean while i in toliet.. she just walk to the door.. & tell me... ( gal, your son poo.. later clean him ) i was like .... in my mind.. was thinking.. you cannot help me a while meh?? haha...at first i feel so upset about it... but now i take it slowly & ez... because i dont expect anything from her... so wont feel upset anymore...
You are better than me. Your mother in law will get herbs for you.
My parentes are not around. When i am pregnant, my mother in law asked me get my hubby bring me to their family chinese doc to check and get herbs and cooked it myself every weekend. Sigh ......
Seems to have many reasons.. My granny who staying At aunt house is also in e east side... My mum also staying east side.. Can just take cab right ? Even my big auntie who is older n staying At clementi so visit her few times a month y can't she? My mum FYI Alrdy more than half a year never visit my granny .
It's her character.
Just like some women loves to shop so much, play mahjong, etc.
Ever since i'm pregnant, there's also no one to buy me herbs & tonics too.
I dont't have a close r/s with my mum, my dad doesn't bother & i have no in-laws at all.
I envy those expectants who got elderly to take care of them too.
But sometimes i thought to myself, since i'm also going to be a mother, why must i still rely on others ?
I guess it's a good time for us to learn to be more independent too
dont't complain , my treatment is even worse than you .. You still have mother in law to take care, well, I almost have none... If I dont't fight and take care of my fetus well-being, he'll have nothing. throughout, nobody truly cares if he gets enough nutrients, I'm the one whom need to remind everybody my baby's health is important.
As for my in-laws side, things are not much better as well. Beside some ex fish soup which was made for the entire family, nothing privilege is specially made for my pregnancy. Though my in-laws are good in making herbal soup and tonics, but so far didn't even get a sip of it. Not much of advise from them as well except for the most common greetings like "take care of yourself"... Maybe becos my hubby is not the favourite son so maybe my son is also not that valuable to them as well .
The only 'tonics' my son gets is birdnest, cos that's the only thing we know it's safe for our boy to consume. Hubby brought it for me cos he feels at least he must participate in his well-beings abit. Anyway, even if he do not buy, I'll buy. Cos in this pregnancy, I truly learnt that if you do not take care of yourself and your baby, nobody will..
Last edited by blsc78; 19-04-2011 at 10:20 PM.
You are going to be a mommy soon. Let your past be a past. It's a new episode in your life and tell yourself you will not allow to past this 'trait' to the next generation.
I know it's hurtful because I felt it too during my pregnancy. I had it worst. Anyway, as long we bear the hurts inside us, we are able to learn by not doing the same hurtful things to our daughters or daughter-in-law . Have a nice day.
You are definitely not the only person with a mother like that. I understand the hurt that you feel completely because my mum is extremely insensitive and unfeeling too. Her utmost pleasure is to make me feel horrible, small and unimportant. Here are some examples of how cruel she can be:
There were countless incidents when she just dismissed my feelings altogether and focus all the conversation on herself. The latest incident is the last straw that broke the camel's back. I was so hurt that I cried for the whole night in my husband's arms. I felt sorry for myself for having such a mother. I felt even more sorry for my unborn daughter to be ignored by her own grandmother. What my mum had done hurts like crazy, much worse than a breakup with a boyfriend because a mother is supposed to be a person that cares for you the most.
- When I proudly displayed my proposal ring to her, she looked at it with contempt and said, "Are you sure the diamond is real? Your boyfriend can't afford a ring like this. See, compare yours with mine."
- When I announced my pregnancy to her, she replied coldly with a vengeful tone, "Now you'll know how it feels to be a mother. She'll torture you like how you torture me."
- Just last Friday, I thought it would be to let her be the first person to know the gender of my baby. Immediately after I told her, she screamed and yelled at me over the phone. She claimed she was going to die because nobody cares for her and all her children useless. She blamed for not getting along well with her new husband. She blamed me for not going to her new house. She threatened not to come for my baby shower if I do intend to invite her new husband. All the drama took place before even she acknowledged my joy.
There is no way that she's going to change because she has been like that for as long as I've lived. It's not my fault that she is severely inflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. So, I've decided to keep a distance from her and not talk to her anymore. I make sure she knows that I think she is self-centred and crazy because I sent her an sms to tell her about it. I'm sure she'll spread nasty rumours about me to everybody, but I'm not going to care. I'm going to stop her from hurting me and my daughter. I am going to spend my time and focus on people who are genuinely concerned about me and deserve my attention more.
I hope you will be strong too and not let your mother's snide remarks and unreasonable demands to get a hold on you. Remember, it is not your fault.
We are all in the same boat, having narcissistic mothers who think they are Cixi Taihou. Like you, I would not dare to ask my mum to cook for me because I know I would be at her mercy forever. If she ever does something for me or anyone else, it is for show, not because it comes from the bottom of her heart. She thinks my sister and I are useless because we do not sing her praises all the time. I'm not going to tell you all the horrible things that she does because the list is endless. Like you, I envy people with caring mothers.
Luckily, I have a wonderful husband, caring sister and humorous father to brighten up my day. As for my in-laws, I see them only once a year because they do not live in Singapore. From the weekly phone calls that I have with them, I glad to know that they are normal parents who are genuinely concerned about the well-being of their children.
Anyway, I should thank my sick mother for making me so independent and mentally so strong. I am ready to take on another crazy person at anytime, anywhere.
Hai...I'm in the same boat as you ladies and what's worse is that my mum is trying to cling onto me. A lot of people tell me to be grateful, to ignore and just be thankful to have a "caring" mother but they only see what's on the surface. They have no idea that:
1) Whenever my mother is around, she barely gives my hubby any time alone with his own daughter.
2) She only wants to eat Asian food, doesn't eat proper meals and prefers to snack - habits that I do not want my daughter to pick up.
3) Asking her for help means being in her debt forever and anything I say that is against her wishes is called "ungrateful", even if it means suggesting things like a garage sale to get rid of excess unused and even new items.
4) Sharing with her things on childcare and development means that I am fussy and have a lot to say. When I explain further that it's nothing personal, she goes on "I did that with you last time, why cannot now?". When I try to tell her that times have change, she'll go "I'm here for the weekend. Just ignore and shut your bloody big mouth".
5) She tried to feed my daughter things with nuts and seafood in it - and Eva is not even 1.5 years old. When I explained that it's dangerous coz of allergies, she insist anyway saying that it's just a bite, no big deal.
6) She has been bugging me to have a 2nd kid so that she can force me to ship Eva to KL permanently. This has been a long standing topic - when I gave birth, she kept bugging me to send Eva to KL. When I said that, she kept it up and ask my hubby. When he said that, she cried and refused to talk to us for days, saying that she was disappointed in me. Why? Because I wasn't doing what everyone is doing.
7) She orders me around and tells me what to do even though it's obvious that I'm doing it or she doesn't know what I'm doing. She calls it "suggestion" but gets angry when I dont't take it.
My mother stays in KL but comes to Singapore every month. Lately she started talking about retiring and moving down to Singapore permanently to take care of Eva. My hubby is not happy with the idea and frankly neither am I. This morning, after a discussion (incident no 4), I asked her if she was angry at me or what, to which she replied "I am angry at you because of all the things you do to me". It was then I asked her openly if she was angry at me sharing or because I won't send Eva to KL and etc. She didn't answer me and my dad tried to get me to shut up.
This is the same woman who told me that "Serves you right. I hope this will teach you a lesson" when I had a miscarriage. The same woman who tells me all the time that I'm fat and that my hubby will leave me if I dont't take care of my looks. The same woman who tells me that a grandmother's duty is to take care of her child even though that is not the culture and practice of the family I married into. The same woman who fights tooth and nail and hogs my granddaughter when my mother-in-law is around. The same woman who snoops around in other people's home and looks at people's private mail including bank statements and payslips.
In all honesty, if this were a traditional Chinese community, my mother would be breaking ALL the rules because my mother-in-law is the top dog, not her. My friends tell me all the time "Your mum doesn't know how to be a mother to a married daughter, otherwise she wouldn't be giving you such a hard time".
When my hubby got the job offer here in Singapore, I cried. I cried not because I was happy to be back but because I dread being closer to my parents and this is why. I'm tired of my parents. I have tried to ignore them, to put up with them the best that I can but every time I give an inch, they take a feet and more.
What do you do with parents who cannot and won't let go civilly and maturely?
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Dear Meiteoh, your mother displays the symptoms of narcissism too. No use quarrelling with her because anything that goes against her will is your fault.
To all daughters of having such awful mothers:
There is no way we can change our mothers, but we have the power to protect ourselves and make sure that we do not turn into our mothers and inflict the same torture on our children. We can relent and let off steam here, but it will not change our lives at all.
I would like to recommend this book "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers" by Dr Karyl McBride. I've read and found it rather insightful and helpful. Perhaps, you could read it too and find some solutions to your problems.
There are all sorts of mothers. My own mother is not interested in my children (her grandchildren). She does not ask about them at all. And she can go about her own business and interests for months and months. What can I say?
Oh my goodness! I'm so glad I came across this thread, because my mother is the most terrible woman who ever roamed this earth. I swear, I hate her so much I do not even talk to her any more. Her sole purpose of having me was to make me miserable, I swear. She always reminds me of all the "good things" she's done for me, when the bad things she's done to me are far, far greater and hurt so much.
I was living in Shanghai when I first found out I was pregnant. At first, I should have been in Singapore, but before that, my mother, my husband and I went on a really horrible trip to Yunnan. I had planned to go back to Singapore after that, but a load of trouble with my mother on the trip made me change my plans and go back to Shanghai with my husband. Maybe it was God's plan, because it was there I found out I was pregnant. My husband's business is based in Shanghai, and most of his family is living with us there. They took such good care of me when I was pregnant, but because I was miserable staying there, I decided to come back to Singapore to give birth (also because I want my child to have Singapore citizenship, for education and also because it's a lot easier to go overseas with a Singapore passport than with a China passport). So, when I was 8 months pregnant, my mother got this housing agent to take us into Sentosa to view a condo project. Before that, the agent took us to Bukit Timah Road to view a very "exclusive" (read: snobbish) apartment complex that wouldn't let us in because we didn't make a prior appointment. Then when we got to Sentosa, the person in charge of that apartment complex said that the open house had been changed to the next day. I was really grumpy and tired by then. My baby was quite big, so walking tired me out. Plus, I was very, very hungry the whole time. I had actually been feeling hungry from the moment we reached the Sentosa Gateway, and wanted to say I needed to go eat something, because I couldn't stand my hunger any more. But I thought that since we had come to view apartments, we should view the apartment first then go eat later. Well, the location of the second apartment we didn't get to see was near a club my mother got me a membership of. So I said, "Can we go there and eat?" The agent said, "Sure." But my mother wrote me a note that said she had recently bought a property from this agent and he was supposed to give her a treat. She said the club was expensive to eat at and she didn't want to spend the money on him. I couldn't believe my eyes! Your 8 month pregnant daughter is fainting from hunger and you want to deprive her of this??? The food wasn't expensive like $588, ok! Just casual dining price. She owns so many good class bungalows but she wants to deprive me of this meal just because the agent owes her a treat and she doesn't want to spend it on him. So sek zhui! That's just one of the incidents that really riled me up. I was stuffing my face with cherry tomatoes that I'd brought out in a lunch box because I knew that I always get hungry, but the tomatoes weren't satisfying my hunger at all. I needed a main meal with carbs. But later, when I told my mother how hungry I was then, she said, "I didn't know you were hungry. I saw you eating tomatoes the whole time." Duh....she has never been able to put herself in my shoes or anyone else's. Very often, when I say I can't stand her any more, she will say, "Why dont't you go back with your husband to Shanghai? dont't stay in my house." She knows I hate it there because I know no other Singaporeans, I feel like a second class citizen there, we live in a very poor area there, we're definitely overcrowded there....it's a long story.
But all that's besides the point. She recently made me so very, very angry I broke a lot of things. I'm on mood control medicine, otherwise I'd go crazy. She does that to me. Yet, she says she cares for my son. I told her, pointedly, "dont't say you care for my son. If you did, you wouldn't do this to his mother." When she attacks me (verbally), she makes me lose all control and I go completely crazy. I hate being that way because then I scare my son and I can't be a mother to him at all - not the mother I want to be at all! This incident was really the straw that broke the camel's back. I have not't talked to her since, except just now when she got me so mad I just had to scold her. My son was having his midnight feed. So he's half asleep, eyes closed, just drinking and going to pop him back in his crib to sleep immediately afterwards. My mother suddenly turned on the lights in his room, before I could stop her. I was like, WTF? If you were half-asleep and someone suddenly flooded your room with light, wouldn't you be startled? And my boy is only 5 1/2 months old!!! I confronted her, asking her why she did that. She said, "Without enough light his eyes will spoil." Huh? His eyes were closed! He was half-asleep! He wasn't reading or using the computer or watching TV or doing anything that required bright light, because he's 5 1/2 months old, it was 2am and he was feeding with his eyes closed! She already startled him, I'm sure. Yet when I, in soft tones, told my maid to feed him some more, because I saw he'd only taken 75ml, my mother said to me, "Shhh!" That just pissed me off even more, because didn't she just startle him by flooding his room with light? I know how my son reacts to blinding light all of a sudden: he screws his eyes shut even more. This is the same woman who likes to scold everyone "stupid" (from the maids to her own husband and her sons). She even tried to give my boy honey, when everyone who knows ANYTHING about babies knows they shouldn't give babies honey because of the risk of botulism! I'm the last person you'd expect to know that, because I'm the youngest child in my family and I never had any contact with babies at all. My son is my first child. Yet, because I bothered to buy books and surf the internet, I know what babies should eat at which age. E.g. no cow's milk before age 1. Start with rice cereal mixed with formula or breast milk at age 4+ months. Introduce veggie purees at 6+ months. Then fruits (because if you start with fruits first, they'll reject the blander stuff). No eggs and dairy until much later. No nuts, because they can choke on nuts. Yet my mother, who has had 4 children (and always uses that as her defense when she tries to make us follow HER way when taking care of my baby) doesn't even know that such young babies should NOT take honey. Luckily my husband was around and managed to stop her. I dont't know what would have happened if he hadn't seen.
My father is also a complete blockhead. Whether he's in the house or in his office is all the same to me. In fact, if he's away, it's even better. He hogs the bathroom for hours, takes up all the available space at the dining table with his breakfast things, and often sits in the car, I dont't know looking for what, when he comes home from the office, leaving the car engine idling. My son sleeps in the front room, and all the toxic fumes enter the house through the front door and can seep through the walls and pass through the front windows too. Yet, despite telling him many times to stop his car engine, he still keeps doing it *sigh* And he treats himself like some lord and king. He needs the maids to do EVERYTHING for him. Like, even filling his water bottle when he goes to exercise, he won't do it himself. And once, he gave my baby raw banana to eat, even after I and my husband had specifically told him not to do it, because we feel he's too young. Especially when, once, since he seemed so interested in what we eat, we gave him a bit of banana to eat and the next time he pooped, it had all these little black strands in it that looked like worms. That gave me the fright of my life. I was considering taking him to see the doctor until I searched the net and found out the little black strands were caused by baby eating banana. After that, both hubby and I decided baby shouldn't have any more banana. But my father gave him some behind our backs. And my mother also. After we discovered the black strands in his poop (my mother knew about it), my mother asked me if she could let my son taste some banana. I said, "No." She wheedled, "Just a bit only." I said no, again. She tried a third time, "Just let him taste." I lost it and blew my top at her, because she's always been this pushy. When she gives me a "suggestion" which I refuse to accept because I think it's not right, she'll try to talk and talk me into accepting it and doing it her way. I've told her many times before that she shouldn't call it a suggestion, then, because a suggestion is one which you give the person the freedom to accept or reject. If they refuse to accept it, you dont't keep trying to push them into accepting it.
*Phew* I said a lot, but the hurt and hatred is here to stay. I hope I'll never be like that with my son. In fact, I think I'll respect his choices and opinions a lot more, and be friendly with him, only disciplining when I need to, because I know what it's like to be stifled and controlled.
Last edited by zenmoonflower; 06-11-2010 at 03:30 AM.