This is a discussion on If your husband have affair do you give him a 2nd chance? within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; Originally Posted by liang`jia thanks~~ but the thing that hold me back is the relationship between my son and my ...
I have a friend who got married at 20 and after marriage, give birth and become a stay at home mum. Somehow along the line, their marriage broke down and she decide to divorce her husband cos firstly, her husband have affairs and secondly, her husband make her bankrupt. She moved to her mum's place and struggle to support her daughter(7yrs). I guess she must be very fustrated with life cos in the end, she neglect her daughter, choosing to go pubbing and shopping rather than spend time with her girl. I can see her daughter slowly changed from cheerful and talktive to a quiet and lifeless girl.
I guess your son will support whatever decision you made cos i believe he also want mummy to be happy.
We didn't always quarrel, but when we quarrel, it a really bad one, and can lead to physical.....my son ever seen him using the chopper. It is really difficult to forget it.
I am afraid, one day he will kill me and my son if i ever provoke him again. everynight i thought of this and that's one of the reason i wanted to leave him incase one day~
Something to share about me last time i was married once and now with my new BF aka hubby...
i get married at the age of 21 my ex-husband was 1 years older than me R.O.M on 2006, Chinese wedding 2007 june. after a week of our chinese wedding he told me he wanted to divorce cos he fall in love with his colleague a SG girl and the girl know he was married she also came to our wedding dinner, he was saying on our chinese wedding date he was thinking to stop all the dinner thing but he say can't bare to see his mother not happy. (i was like all rubbish~) i did told him before you want to have affair outside dont't bring home dont't get her pregnant or serious but that girl got pregnant after my wedding. She found out she having triples and beg me to let go my husband and give it to her due to her baby, i was crying none stop sitting down with my mother and my ex husband parent told about it. i choose to let go cos the babys is innocent i dont't want the babys to born out without a daddy, after all my separation was done on the date and pack my things back to my own house. I still need to keep it a secret due to my dad have heart problem cannot be stress of angry and sad so up till now keep it a secret, than i heard from my ex-husband mother that my ex-husband ask the girl undergo operation to kill all three babys. they already broke up and now he got new gf and i got my new bf aka husband cos now i got pregnant and the baby daddy is belong to my new bf aka husband.
I know alot of people been though alot and i believe we are stronger to face all the problem so be brave and face it.
wish all mother happy womens are the stronger than mens
hmm. my papa also got take out knife pull my mama collar threaten to chop her before. that was like dont know how many years ago. i wasnt home to see that. but my younger bro, i think he was only 12, saw the whole quarrel and chopper thing. my parents divorced when we were very young but my mother stayed on with the 'family' cause she feels that we are not old enough to take care of ourself. in the end, all we, the kids, see everyday is, parents quarrel. daddy coming home late. mummy sad sad. till now, i feel guilty that my mama had to sacrifice herself for us. if she had left earlier, she could find a better man who can give her happiness. if we had grow up 'faster'.
my mama finally left the house when i was 16, my didi 12. after the chopper incident. she gave up totally on my dad. my didi hate my dad during then. and it took him quite some time to get over it and accept my father again. i left home shortly after mama left. stay over with my gf then. only go home once awhile to take allowance from papa.
guess thats when my papa realise his mistake. losing the woman. daughter 'run away' from home. son hate him and ignore him, treat him like enemy. but its too late . during then, my relation with my didi also not good.
things improve bit by bit. when i had problems outside. gotten hurt emotionally. went home. it was my didi who stood by me. took care of me. our relationship gotten better. and also, think cause we were older and able to understand more. we sort of feel that my papa was kinda pitiful. being 'alone'. and also mama's putting good words for papa. we slowly accept that he's our father afterall. and though he's a lousy man and husband, he has done his best as a father, still providing us a shelter.
and now.. both my parents are still in touch with each other. more like friends now. me and didi stays with papa. relationship has gotten so well that we can talk to each other about everything.
anyway, the point is. many times parents, esp mothers, feel that they should give their children a complete family. but whats a complete family without love? children can sense. they will know their mother is not happy. and when chopper is involve. it will affect the child. my didi once told me, during that period , he said, he hates daddy so much that he has the urge of taking the knife and stab him when he's sleeping then suicide. see?
precious jovier landed 26th june o9.
世上只有妈妈好。-like that dont't need papa .
now that im gonna be a mummy . i finally truly know how it feels like. though in the past i will always try to think in my parents shoes. try to understand how they feel and think. what makes them do certain things. but its till im a mummy myself i then really know.
we used to have happy times. like sunday go east coast park as one family. but what i remember most strong is those unhappy times. waking up in the middle of the night hearing my mama weeping. so i guess, the unhappiness has a greater impact. my past very complicated. as in things between my parents. all i can say is, my papa is a good daddy, but he's not a good man and husband. some times also dont know to love him or hate him..
now that your boy still young. the impact wont be so bad. cause when he grow up. he wont remember much. i cant even remember things when i was 5. bits and pieces. very blur images.. better then wait till he like 9 or 10 years old. impact would be greater..
actually, i feel that you can try talking to him. i read your posts in this thread. i feel that he is still care . esp the chopper part. i understand my papa love my mama too much that's why he feels so frustrated cause he dont know what he can do till he take out knife.
maybe before talking to him, can do some reading. to understand the different between man and woman more. one book i strongly recommand is 'men are from mars, women are from venus.' cause men and women are totally different creatures..
if he doesnt care, or no longer love you, he wont fear losing you at all. maybe like someone suggested earlier, he feel inferior. cause he feel that you are too good for him. i think he care and love you the wrong way.
i always feel that, in a relationship, always try your very best, do everything you can do, even if its off your limit. at least so that when you give up, you can really tell yourself, you did everything you could, even things you cant you also do . no regrets. better then, just give up cause you feel its the end, then look back, regret, why that time you never like this, if that time you like that will things be different. that kind of thoughts...
just how i feel ...
precious jovier landed 26th june o9.
世上只有妈妈好。-like that dont't need papa .
Thank you for taking the effort to write these to me, i really appreciate what you have try to tell me.
Before i have my son, i did what you have just mentioned above. Read and find out. Initially i really try to understand him and accept that he is. But at time,when we quarrel and i go out of the house to take a breathe, he will get suspious of things like i am out secretly out with othe men, having affair outside. And i feel so insulted. even when i am pregnant that time also like that. How to tolarate?
He make thing worst when i thought if i go out and be back should be 'qi crazy' already. But he suspects me and then we quarrel again, exchange nasty word and say regret to know each other, then he hit me and few times try to kill me.... sigh, i really have enough loh
Ya, i admit i also get very angry and anyhow say these that hurt him, but i was really angry when he said i go outside and F*** around when i am all the while so devoted!!! I am hurt too and i go crazy also. THen also go crazy and anyhow hit me!!!
Of cos during pregnancy he dare not. Then when i have my son, i give my son full attention, because i find that he is not worth for me to give attention to. Because when he took back $3000 from me. (Saying for that is for me confinement and baby initially). After that he took back, just because he suspects me of having another man outside again!!!
And know what he said? He said my health is my problem, nothing to do with him!!! KNNZ!
From then onwards, i totally given up hope on him already. And that's when i also lost that kind of feel for me. I give my son full attention, then he not happy and said my family dont treat him like their own (that time styaing with my parents) then he start to go astray loh. He met a married woman who so called 'seduce' him and he fall into it. Tht time he also dont bother about me and my son at all. He go out and dont even look at my dear son 'yi yan' i was very angry and i sort of know it.
What happen is, the woman break off with him and he is heartbroken! And then he tell me about their lies! He still want to call that woman, but she reject and threathen to call the police if he keep calling and harrass her! OMG do you know how i go tru this when he acutally tell me to give him moral support to deal with that woman. Tell me to do harm to that woman, he wants to break that woman's family as well blah blah blah~~ then even said it was because i neglected him and ask me to pull him out of his 'si lian' That time, me also crazy, should have divorce him straight away! but because i still feel hurt i know i still have feelings for him bah.....then my son still so young~~~me full of excuses loh.
there is still a lot to say, me too long winded ~ Anyway, plan to stay in malaysia after that incident, but it didn't get any better. thought he must treat me better, but who know he still dare to take chopper to threthen me in front of my dear son! I really give up hope , that' why i said i am planning to go back to my parent in singapore with my dear son....i will just tolarate and wait for this day...
If he come and disturb my life again, i will not hesitate to use police and law (which i know he hated it) i want him to get out of my life totally one day
Because towards him, i only have hatred, no love!
sorry to say this. but he is different from my papa . he this kind is mental problem. his own problem. not yours .. useless man..
imagine, for the sake of 'complete' family, you force yourself. then your little one often see quarrels.. or worst, what if one day he really chop you. what will happen to the little one. you are in msia now. there like no law . he can chop you die. run to another part of msia. few years later. still one free man. whether he bring along the child after he chop you, will the child have good life ...
hmms.. human ar.. its ok to make mistake. no one is perfect. but must admit mistake, learn from mistake, and dont do wrong thing again.. but.. its NOT ok to stubborn, 执迷不悟。
i feel that you are quite capable kind . even if you not, also can do much better without him ..
precious jovier landed 26th june o9.
世上只有妈妈好。-like that dont't need papa .
Like I've told one of the sweet young innocent mummy here, I'm not against pre-marital sex ... coz before I settled down in my 1st marriage (aged 30), I was already sexually active for more than 10 years, with many different but willing partners ... BUT I've never gotten anyone of them pregnant.Originally Posted by Dream*Mum
It's not becoz I can't ... I just wun. I mean I also hate using condoms but I shoot on their face, in their mouth, on their tits or in their belly button when it's not safe for me to shoot inside her. No matter how heavenly the sex was, there was always a deliberate effort to stay in control.
To me, the guys who pumped you up just like that ... then, come up with all kinds of rubbish not to be responsible ... I can't do anything, other than look down on them.
However, I can still forgive them for committing such sins once ... since nobody is perfect & these young boys are still just young boys. Then, more than one of you come tell us that these idiots actually go on pumping up others & then, still carry the "not happy go abort " attitude ... then, the father instinct in me really feel like going after these idiots with a parang.
Those of you who are fortunate enough to find a "2nd Chance", I wish you ALL THE BEST.
Those of you who decided to just continue life as a single mum, I wish you the strongest of wills, as that's what it takes for you to complete this very arduous journey.
I guess the bottom line is your heart is already dead. I mean really no love left for him . I believe whatever love you have left is squash by him when he start waving that chopper. He have a 2nd chance but choose it.
Since you have decide to leave him, my advise is to treat him nicely....Yes dont't be shocked, I mean dont quarrel with him anymore for the safety of your son. If he accuse you again and say you have affair, just smile at him and say nope. He will try to use words to piss you off but dont fall into his trap just shake your head and go off. If he had no chance to quarrel, it will leave him very fustrated. Remember whatever you do, dont quarrel with him or give him a chance to get piss so that when the day you leave him, he got no more excuse to blame you.
For those who are rough and playing types of mens never learn even how old they are, this is call die also never change.
I been though it and i did tell my ex husband before we marry and also my this bf aka huddy that if you want to play with young mei mei outside cos you sometimes need sexy babe can go ahead i would'not stop you but dont't get yourself in relationship with another women or get them pregnant, remember that you have family now somemore i can just close one eye to pretend i dont't know but than dont't get into trouble.
Sometimes my own mother did told me that all mens need sexy babes when they are old, she not surprise if my dad outside did have affair with those china, viet or thai babes.
my dad atlist still care for the family member, never turn my mother down or what cos they know womens are clever types cannot hide anything but than also cannot forget about the family.
My mother always say try to close one eye can ~
Last edited by Dream*Mum; 13-05-2009 at 11:17 AM.