This is a discussion on Im so disappointed with my own mum within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; Before i deliver last yr, my mum told me that she need not help my sis take care of her ...
Before i deliver last yr, my mum told me that she need not help my sis take care of her son , coz my sis gg to bring him back n take care by her family. Coz she gg to help her in law in their family biz. So i happily assumed that my mum will be ok to help me take care of my baby.
Im trying to looking for job when im pregnant, hard to get 1 as bosses dont want employ pregnant woman. So once i deliver, i went to look for 1. As i want to help my husband with e expenses. Finally i found 1 & they r gg to employ me. I told my mum n ask her to help me take care of my baby. you know what, she say canot coz my sis still need her to take care of her son. then she say all kind of nonsense like ask her malaysia sis to take care of my baby, or send my baby to jb ask her sis to take care.. you know hw upset i am, and i just gave birth only a few wks. She treat my nephew so much beta than my son coz my sis in law family quite rich, have their own family biz. Throughout my confinement she never help me take care of my son at all. So i sometime wonder is she my own mum or only wealthy ppl child is human, poor ppl child is not human.
My in law cant help me take care coz my sis in law also gave birth on the same day as me n she need my mother in law to take care of her son coz they live around the same area.
My sis has another elder son, 2yr old, sent to childcare centre. Her mother in law say her leg pain cant take care of kids, bt she can help out with their family biz, what kind of excuse is this? im really disappointed with my own mum.
my husband is e only 1 wkin, with so many expenses, car, hdb, reno, etc
my sis gt maid, y cant e maid take care of kids. Somemore, they dont have any commitment at all.
Infant care i do consider, bt i need to secure a job 1st as priority is given to workin mum.
How about for the time being you take care of your baby first, while looking for a job? Once you get a job, you can either put your baby in infant care or nanny?
All the best in you finding a job....
ya maybe its a misunderstanding? did you arrange with her previously or did you just erm...... assume?
when i was doing my confinement i also wonder why my mom never this never that. but i guess i cant have her all to myself then slowly i became happier. although not 100% but she is there for me most of the time. my mom got many grandchildren so... cant divide her into few places mahh. she also have her social life. i want her to have one too. if not her whole retirement life is grandchildren grandchildren grandchildren.
Have you secured your job?
If you have you can start looking for infant care center...
How come your mum said she help you look after then suddenly change?
Anw mayb this is a better option since she is indecisive if she look after your kid a few mths then suddenly dont wanna look after even more troublesome cos you will have to rush to look for an infant care center now at least you can look for a good one at put your kid there.
Yest my mother in law said if i want to go wk, can employ a maid n put at her house so that she can take care of 2 babies at e same time. Im reali touched by what she say. Which in fact i ask my own mum e same scenerio, she say dont want maid n cant look after my baby.
now, i think its beta dont care so much in order to b more happy in life.
I understand where you're coming from cuz I have a mother who's also self-centered and favours my brother over me. Worse thing is my mother-in-law too didn't help, only wash baby's cloths (pan tang), I got post natal depression cuz of a horrible confinement lady my mum employed who told her stories about me and made my mom say "I wash my hands off you", told my husband go ahead whatever he want to do when he want to get protection order when I scratched him, blah blah blah. I now go back to see her only for my daughter's sake (she favours my bro's kids). What to do, still our mother cannot say I dont't acknowledge you right?
actually, IMO, baby is yours, it is you n your husband's responsibility to take care of your child n arrange for him/her to be taken care of.
your parents or inlaws r not obliged to help you.
you r the one who assumed that she will help you tc in the first place, no?
you never arrange with her from the beginning, so who's to blame??
but just to be fair, your child is your own responsibility, if your mum cannot take care for you, then find other alternatives.
some things you cannot compare, like your sis got maid, rich hubby, etc but you dont have, n your hubby only one working.
IMO, if you dont have enough finances to begin with, why have a child?
you shld have worked your finances out before you plan to have a child, then make ALL arrangements before the child is born.
then now you ASSUME your mum wil help, but she never then you blame her??
well, i dont know if you have taken care of kids before anot, but taking care of a child is very different from helping out on biz.
taking care of a baby needs alot of attention n energy, family biz, if she is tired she can rest..
well, ppl have their reasons, why must you be so sarcastic n say ppl's excuses r like rubbish??
i honestly think you r quite a selfish person. cos all you think about is your own family. ie, no one tc of your child n your hubby very poor thing have to pay alot of things!
your parents n inlaws, if they help you, its a BONUS, NOT AN OBLIGATION.
pls bear that in mind.
Last edited by Ting; 19-03-2010 at 12:16 PM.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
can I know who r you 2 get e right to say me as selfish. you do not know e entire story. If I am selfish I wun b a full time mummy to take care of my baby. I m looking for a job before I'm pregnant. We do not plan this baby before hand, it's a gift from god. Due to my irregular menses, it's hard for me to get baby. If I'm selfish, I wun chose to bring this baby to this world at all.
Do you know that that x I just gave birth, I know nothing of taking care of baby, yet my mum lend no support to me. I wanted to look for a job very much in order to give him a beta life. that is y I chose to look for a job 2 wk later I gave birth to him. Yet my mum can say such words of bringing him to jb n ask ppl to take care of him there. I ask whether I can employ a maid n put at her house so that she can take care of house wk n supervise e maid at e same x. I heard of many story of maid ill treat kids. Sum more mine is a new born baby. She just say dont like. I suffer depression of all these stess, do you knw that.
I think the point that Ting was trying to deliver is that, since no prior agreement was made between you and your mother, you shouldn't have assumed that she will take care of your baby. Even if your mother did agree to look after your baby, the responsibility of caring for your baby should not be shifted to your mother. Nor should it be shifted to the maid, nanny or infant care. Even anything that happens to your baby in the care of these people, you also bear partial responsibility. Being a parent is already a very huge responsibility.
I'm happy for you that you have brought your precious baby into this world, since you already said it's not easy for you conceive. I believe whether you want this baby or not, it is a gift from God, so you should cherish it as much as you can.
I believe that no matter how much help we get, every parent has to learn how to be one from scratch. Of course there are many lucky people out there, who have mother in law or their own mother to take care of the baby and teach them how to care for the baby. Some even can hire a confinement lady.
As I said before, it is your responsibility as a parent. You know you will need to take care of the child, so it was also your responsibility to go and find out HOW to take care of your baby. Borrow books, attend classes, do research online. Although I have to admit these dont't help in practical terms, but they do provide useful information on how to care for your baby. If you have done these well, I believe you will be somewhat prepared on how to handle a baby. All these things to me is based on your own initiative, not waiting for your mother to come and teach you how to look after your baby. This is what I mean by being responsible.
When my child was born, my mother also didn't help me to look after my baby. She is working FT, so she only took a few days leave to cook for me, while I use the first few days to recover. The rest of the month I had to look after my baby myself. I didn't even wake my husband up in the middle of the night to ask him to help me, because I believe that if I dont't do it on my own I will never learn how to look after my own child. In the day it's just me and my baby. I'm not boasting about how great I was to be able to do this on my own, but I'm encouraging you that IT IS possible to do it alone, if you believe in it yourself. Also I want to add that during my confinement month, I still have to go back to school for lessons and my hubby have to take leave to help me look after my girl for a few hours. And every hour he stays at home, it is precious $$$ lost for our child.
Everyone here has their own story, whether good or bad. Some here have their mothers and mother in law to help look after the baby, but they rather not because of all the conflicts.
Please try to get up on your feet and not be depressed over these anymore. Pardon me, but from the way you post, it seems to me that your are wallowing in self-pity. We are all mummies here and no mummy, however rich or poor, will tell you that they have it easy when looking after their babies. You can go and take a look at the Special parenting section and you will feel VERY VERY LUCKY that your have a child who does not need special care. Can you imagine that kind of STRESS these mummies go through, especially when they did not find out through their scans that their children are going to require special care? Can you imagine how unfortunate the baby will be if these mummies become DEPRESSED? They need extra strength to carry on and love their babies. So please, cherish what you have now, and do what you can within your own means. Your baby's future is precious, so dont't habor so much hatred or frustration. Use these negative emotions as motivation for you.
It seems to me that your mum just doesn't want to look after your baby for you. So be it. Look for other options. I assume you are married with the baby's father. Is there some kind of alternatives you can work on?
If you want to hire a maid, get a nanny or put your baby in infant care, please bear in mind that one month you will need to set aside as much as $700 a month. This means your salary will have to be enough to cover this, your transport, food, and have enough savings so you can set aside and give your baby a better life, since this is the reason why you want to find a job. With all these in consideration, I think it would be pointless for you if you get a job that barely helps you through. So do bear this in mind as well. You can search around this forum as there are many threads where working mummies discuss care-giving options.
Take care of yourself and cheer up.
More inspirations for mothers like you at MeaningfulMotherhood
it's always good to know e entire story before you make any comment of a person. you r not a judge to determine whether a person is selfish or not.
How about sending your baby to infant care centre ?
They are quite good nowadays...
i agree with pinkdiamonds. what Ting meant was, did your mum really agree to take care of your baby? even she did, did she meant she can help you once in awhile or full time? cos lik my mum, she told me before, she can help me with dear son but definitely not full time, just once in awhile if i ahve something on.
and one thing pinkdiamonds pointed out is very true. no matter you're going to hire a maid, nanny or put your baby in infant care, you need to pay a sum of money every month. unless you can get back at least 1.2-1.5k every month after cpf deduction, if not it's abit 'meaningless' right? even your mum is willing to take care or your baby, you also have to pay her a some of money every month, if you put your baby with your mother in law and with a maid, you must think of the conflicts that may comes in the future, and also you have to give your mother in law abit of 'allowances' since she is helping you too.
honestly, ppl here post comments based on the thread starter's input, so of cos we dont know the full story behind, am i right to say that? and if you think that you only want to hear ppl giving you good comments and not honest comments at all, it's very diffi for ppl to give you the most honest and frank advices. =)
i'm sorry but i agreed with pinkdiamond too, thou ting may be alittle harsh in her words but still she had a point there...
its never easy being a parent, its not just have sex, strike it, pregnant for 10mths, give birth, confinement and take care of baby, there are alot more to come considering your baby is only few mths old now...
i have 3 kids and i'm not even 30, i took care of my 3 kids on my own w/o my mother in law or mummy's help and my hubby seldom help and i'm a full time working mum but i never thought or blame anyone for not offering to help, but if they do, its really a bonus, but if they dont't i can handle them myself..
all i need is to sit down and think, plan and act accordingly instead of rushing to get things done...
Hope you will solve your prob soon!
since yr mum canx take care (she got her own reasons to reject you), i find that personally, your best options at current will be:
1) Infant care
Infant care is not cheap, mostly costs around 800 and above.
Nanny might be a beta option. And finding a good one is not easy tho. But i heard nannies charge about $450 to $550 per month, some even can take care for you ovenight, meaning you only bring home on weekends (Not so tired)
i was like you last time, i blamed/gets disappointed with my Inlaws for not helping me during that emergency (my boy was only 8months and my dad had minor stroke, my mum said she couldnt helped me take care and i asked for help from my inlaws but was rejected straight in the face)
my whole world came crumbling down at that time, the feeling was awful, i had to bring Baber to work with me for a whole 2 weeks, i brought stroller and a haversack to work everyday. It was Hell to me that time. I blamed my inlaws in other forums and all i get was very straightforward remarks and everyone says i m living in self pity, which is infact True i find. Even if i look back at my post at the other forum, now that i have "Tuo Li Ku Hai", i find myself a bit whiny tho.
What we need to do now is to pick ourself up, find the cheapest possible option, might not be perfect but its the only possible option for you at your affordable means, denn by all means go ahead.
at the end of the day, you have made a great decision for yourself and your baby, and that is the most important thing to do, for yourself to stay happy also.
Last edited by CanCanMum; 22-03-2010 at 05:05 PM.
i am a single mum, i gv birth to my girl when i was 20. i left my ex, my parents r working, they have my sis to support.
when i was pregger with my girl, i was schling, n i work part time on weekends RIGHT UP TIL I WAS 8 MTHS preg.
after giving birth, i looked after her for 18mths n work part time at night to support her n myself. at night my family help, but mostly my girl is already aslp. i tell you, one month i only earn 600-700 ok? i pay for all her FM n diaper ok?
in the day time i also alone at home with her, i also LEARN everything myself. i dont know anything, i come online to ASK n i go n SEARCH for answers.
no, i dont cry everyday n tell myself, why i so poor thing NO ONE HELP ME.
BCOS I DECIDED TO KEEP MY GIRL. my parents objected, i also tell myself, NO ONE HELP ME I WILL DO IT MYSELF. WHY? MY DECISION. IM AN ADULT, I WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN ACTIONS N DECISONS.
NOW? im working, my pay is very little, 1K plus only.
i pay for my girl's CC n expenses n my own expenses MYSELF.
who i m is not important, just tryin to wake you up.
your mum dont help you then too bad lahs, go look for alternatives.nanny, infant care, all these also can what.
why sulk in your own misery. at least you have a hubby there to support you right?
you know how many ppl dont? no hubby, no family, no friends, still can survive.
as long as you dont give up n look for options.
in the beginning, you assume your mum will help you, not she promised what. she already bring you up so big, now she SHLD tc of your child for you mehh??
like i say, its a BLESSING if she did, not an obligation.
n yeah, i do not know the entire story cos this is the amt of the story you said.
im just giving my comments based on what you write. so dont blame other ppl again.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
i think the whole situation right now is not to put blame on each other... in the 1st place, why are you disappointed with your mum?? ( btw, our parents are the greatest of all in this world... so dont ever said you r disappointed with them, remember.. without them, without you)
you r disappointed with her becos you "ASSUME" she will take care of your baby for you... but did you checked with her in the 1st place? i guess you did not.. so you cant blame or disappointed with her...
Secondly, remember you just given birth, so dont stress too much... you will get depression very easily...
i think what you should do is to get your hubby into the picture too... discuss with him how to solve this situation rather blaming on whoever and getting jealous of your mum when she is willing to take care of your nephew rather than your baby...blaming and disappointed with her doesnt solve your problem.... you should think of a way to solve it...
honestly im sorry to hear some of the things you're going thru. but what most of us dont see eye to eye with you is how you blame your mom and indulge in self-pity. im not trying to add salt to your wound, but if you want to start a thread about something, you must be prepared to hear things from all perspective right?
some ppl just like to hear good things, comforting stuff... but this is reality. reality can bite. the world is not fair at all. the sooner we understand this, the sooner we can release all these hatred n stop comparing. wouldnt that make one happier?
if one person disagree with me, thats her problem.
if ten people disagree with me, then i SHOULD look into myself.
since you've just given birth, pls dont get all mad and unhappy.... get yourself more prepapred n well-informed by reading more books on motherhood, childcare, etc.
Jia jia you beng nan nien jing.....
Bt ting, you r harsh in your words.
Anyway jia you all mummies...
Last edited by CanCanMum; 23-03-2010 at 10:40 AM. Reason: edited to remove words containing personal attack
anyway i dont find myself harsh on my words here, im just being very straight forward, my apologies if some ppl here can only listen to words soothing to the ears.
in life, you just gotta be flexible n also be able to take negative comments, if not, how do you survive in this society?
Last edited by CanCanMum; 23-03-2010 at 10:40 AM.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
there are time for self-pity but time to move on too...
desireww, its time to move on and find other solution instead of wasting time being disappointed, i've been thru depression too and also self-pity...
but i moved on, so you have to be strong for the sake of your baby~