This is a discussion on irresponsible baby's father? within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; Originally Posted by pkshl im embarassed to say i can't wake up for my son night feeds. Is always my ...
Infact , he lose a few Kgs during the first few month , better than slimming centre .
Change diapers and he feed my daughter better than I do .
My daughter turn into "flower cat" everytime i feed her cereal , but hubby feed her is neater and faster .
Only thing he does not know is bathing and I also forbid him to bath Baby even though he say he want to learn . I scare baby drop inside the water ....
I think men say they cannot handle is really BULL-S*IT . All these are skillset that can be picked up. It is if they want to learn or not ..
Talking about that , maybe let my hubby bath baby since she know how to sit in the bath tub already...
I think it is the same for many men.
My husband is also one who is afraid of handling our girl. I have been taking care of her since she was born. My husband tends to panic the moment our girl cry.
Whatudu, the man claimed she tired him and she claimed he wanted her to breed. which causes unhappiness in their marriage. As a friend to her, all we can do is not to stir things up. It's not pleasant to probe her if she doesn't want to divulge further. Sometimes, they just want a listener to 'side' them. For me, I listened but I dont't want to put myself in this complicating issue because I feel both of them are not honest to start off with. Both have their own 'stories' to tell.
Well,at least I'm able to witness my girl's everyday growth.
Maybe you should teach how to care for the baby or maybe attend classes in which you, your husband and the baby could interact/bond.
My husband is one of those who will not lift a finger to help.
Since my girl was born, I have been trying to engage him in her care, to get him to help change her diaper, wipe her, or bathe her but he dont't like to do it at all. He always claims that he is afraid he drop her in water, put on her diaper wrongly or dont't wipe her properly.
We have argued many times because of this and my mother in law sides her son coz she says that his dad also did not lift a finger to help when she had her 3 kids.
Now, I have learnt to let things go and dont't give a damn.
I think its quite normal if he's a first time dad, my hubby also did the same when i had my gal 5 yrs back and it was really quite unbearable cos i got to do everything myself and he just do whatever he like and goes out with his friend as and when he wants. He only really starts to realise that he's a dad when my gal is 2 yr plus and now they are on better terms than me and my gal. As for now, he's better prepared for my boy (4 months old) and can take care of both of them on his own after some training. But most importantly is the mindset and you must give him time.
When we had our 1st kid, hubby did not dare to carry or look after baby at all... He had to be taught from basics and even supervised all the time. He only got the hang of it after baby was about 4mths. When we just had our 2nd kid, he was a confidant daddy who helped look after baby from day 1. But of course he needs to be reminded & supervised once in a while coz he is not as consecitious as my mum or me.
We are both working, but I make him do all the night feeds... Coz I did most of it for our 1st kid. Nonetheless I still have the habit of waking up a few times at night to check both my kids are ok (too cold, too hot, tangled in blanket etc)
yest brought back so much work home to do..
goot thing that he noticed im tired, and volunteered to wake up when the baby cries in the middle of the nite..
baby woke up for almost 10 times cos shes coughing!
Why dont't you talk to him and encourage him to play a more proactive role as a father and get to know his child? I feel that it's unfair for us to say that men dont't know how to handle babies when we dont't help them at all. We have the edge over our husbands because of our pregnancy and other factors like the time we spend with them, breastfeeding and so forth. So why not share what we know with them? Sometimes their concerns are valid like scared they'll hurt the baby and so forth. It's normal - babies look fragile and it takes time for someone to adjust to this new addition. They shouldn't feel pressured into doing it yet they shouldn't be left to think that it's okay not to do anything. Communicating positively helps a lot (if only I knew how to explain that in detail!).
My hubby too was unsure of what to do with Eva when I gave birth to her. He had trouble coping in the first week after we came back from the hospital and sometimes he'd complain as if to scold himself, wondering why he cannot stop her from crying or if he's a lousy father. I continue to encourage him and tell him that he shouldn't think like that, he just needs time and patience. I actually MAKE my hubby change Eva's diapers, wake up in the middle of the night just to carry her to me for feeding and then back to her room, change her diaper and put her to bed. When he's around, I MAKE him give her baths, take care of her and play with her. I close my eye to certain things which he doesn't do that well and tell myself that at least he's doing something. I share with him my little tips and secrets on how to pacify her, what she likes and so forth. For example, when she was about two to three months old and my hubby was working late all the time, Eva used to cry whenever he carried her and try to put her to sleep, so I'd share with him what I knew worked for me.
True enough, things got much better for him. Now he complains when he doesn't spend enough time with her. When he works late, I'll call him and let him talk to her on the phone - she can't say anything but she can hear his voice and she knows. In fact, last night, when she heard him over the phone, she went "Papa" and when he asked her what she was doing, she went "Mum mum".
Sometimes we need to remember that our husbands too need a little encouragement and guidance to become fathers. Learning together, like apollo said, not only helps your husband build a good relationship with his children but also helps to solidify your marriage and help you both to grow as a couple.
Last edited by meiteoh; 07-10-2010 at 12:21 AM.
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- he does not have a 9-5 job (free time) which I think this reason is good enough he can afford to sleep late~~ I have to start work at 9am workplace at Jurong and I live in Yishun)
- he can sleep RIGHT AWAY after feeding our baby (he's a deep sleeper) where as once Im up, it'll take some time for me to fall asleep again, say 30 mins or so. sometimes up to an hour.
weekends wise, this routine remains the same cause baby will be up around 7am, then Ill be the one who'll wake up and take care of baby. and he'll continue to sleep till 10am or so. so I think it's pretty fair.
but recently he complained to sister In law that he does multiple feeds at night. (WAH, to be honest I feel like stuffing a banana in his mouth!) wth!
when I return home from work (some days 1 plus some days 5 plus), my mom will let me bath and nap a while then I'll take care of baby all the way till he comes home around 10-11pm. then I'll need to wake up at 7am. I think its pretty fair.
Hello! I have friends who are married to ang mos and while i agree that not all ang mos are like that, i feel that most of them are so because I guess it's their lifestyle and the way that they were brought up. Sometimes, while managing the additional role of being a father, they still want to keep their current lifestyle. I guess its best to ease them into their new role without making them feel pressured. Talk to him to let him know how you feel. If he is the sort of guy who may get defensive or feel that you are "accusing" him of not being hands-on, why not write him an email? Email gives him time to think thru what you wrote about your feelings and give him time to response. Sometimes, face to face talks, kind forces one to have to respond immediately and the talk may not be as effective. Since he is a new father, from a friend's experience, best not to constantly remind him that he is not hands-on as this may generate negative feelings and instead of him wanting to perform his fatherly duties genuinely, he may doing it out of obligation and feel stifled by fatherhood instead, which in the long term, in my opinion, not good.
Usually mummy is the one who gave and sacrifice more...it's never whether fair anot...Just do what you can and I believe you are doing great now...try to communicate with him and let him know you really need help as you need rest too... if it still doesn't work, perhaps you may have to consider helper to help you so that at least it will lessen your burden
Haiya, it doesn't matter whether angmoh or not - what matters is whether the person has the initiative and the right attitude.