Does your husband know about all these? He has to be the one to talk to his mother.
This is a discussion on Mother in law within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; I need help.. Sometimes I just couldn't take it...mother in law (aka mother in law) been giving me stress... I dont know ...
I need help.. Sometimes I just couldn't take it...mother in law (aka mother in law) been giving me stress... I dont know if I'm bad... I need advice..badly.. Real badly... When my first baby girl was born.. mother in law say she wanna take care of my girl.. I'm ok with it..given her to try out.. I realized she couldn't manage and she always do things differently..like when baby is moving while sleeping... She will try to wake baby up so that she can carry baby.. I explained to her nicely that baby is still sleeping n she can carry when baby is awake..but she ignore me n still do the same..mother in law n me are always in good terms during my two years marriage until when baby was born.. Relationship between me n her turns bad.. Till now.. She dont't know I was unhappy with her cos I never throw tantrum at her..I choose to keep quiet..cos I dont't want my husband to be in difficult position..at first she say she wanna do my confinement (we r not living together) but giving that she's already 67 yrs..I dont't wanna tired her..she's wasn't happy about it..bang e table n say "you mean baby nowadays hard to care than before?" I explained to her cos I dont't wanna her to tired herself.. She dont't wanna listen until my sister in law step in n explain then shes fine with me to engage a confinement lady.. During the times I let her try out taking care of baby along for like 2-3 hours.. Whenever baby cried.. She will feed baby with milk assuming baby was hungry.. Ended up baby vomited all the milk out..it was so heart pain to see but I can't say anything..she will carry baby as long as baby is with her.. Again.. I explained to her that it's better not to keep carrying the baby as baby will get used to people to carry.. She ignore me...mother in law will call my husband n I 3-4 times daily just to ask the same usual questions like "did baby poop..eat..n sleep" I do understand that she's being nice..but it so frustrating to answer e same questions especially while at work..n as for me I'm at home taking care of baby after my confinement lady left.. After that she stop calling me n been calling my husband .. Say wanna come over..seriously I dont't wish her to come.. But we made an effort to go to her place every saturday so she can see baby.. But when i go..n i havent take off my slippers.. She will stand in front of me n keep saying she want to carry..n took baby away.. One day I feel bad not letting her come.. N agreed her to come on weekdays.. Again.. She purposely wake baby up when baby move but still sleeping .. I explained n she say she know.. Next I wanna bath baby but she's carrying baby.. So I tell her let me carry cos I wanna bath baby..she refused to let me carry n say baby not fully awake.. But baby already awake for so long ... Next.. I teach her how to prepare milk so when she take care of baby.. She will know how to prepare.. She refused to listen n say she knows.. Teach her how to change diaper n she not listening.. In the end.. She change diaper wrongly.. I still tell her it's ok.. N show her again..she will also following me wherever i go as long as im carrying my baby..today she say she's able to take care of baby when I at work.. Tml she say she thinks she couldn't handle the stress.. This has been going on for a month.. N in the end I decided to get baby a nanny so I can send baby to nanny house before I go to work.. We did informed her before we engaged the nanny.. She say ok cos she's having high blood pressure n worried she couldn't handle .. I thought everything was fine.. N she start calling everyday again to ask the same question again n keep changing her mind whether she can take care of baby.. I'm so stress out..I dont't want her to angry .. Until we engaged the nanny we wanted.. Now she say she wanted to know where the nanny lives.. We can't tell her coz she will keep going nanny's house ..until my father in law say.. "you mean we can't know all these little information??" no choice my husband told her the block.. N she wanna know which floor.. My husband also tell her.. She's been giving me stress ever since baby was born..I'm so worried that she will disturb the nanny..she also hint she want nanny number.. It not that we dont't wanna give.. But with her doings.. How to let her know..? But we didn't tell her cos she has pride n she's a lady that we must listen to her no matter what.. Plus I dont't wanna hurt her..so I just tolerate ..but it's just crazy..n she's driving me nuts! N relationship between me n my husband turns shaky..am I wrong? What should I do?
Does your husband know about all these? He has to be the one to talk to his mother.
talk to yr husband, what he think and what can be done. no point you stressing out yrself here. you cannot tell his mom off, only he can do it. i left my son in infant care when he was 4mth old cuz i need to return to work, my in-laws actually thought of going to the school everyday to see my son as and when they are free but too bad, school doesnt allow that. maybe you want to consider to put yr baby in infant care.
My husband knew about it.. N he explained to mother in law.. But today she say she understand.. Next day start again... This has been an ongoing matter since baby was born..I did decide on infant care.. But my husband n I couldn't really able to fetch her 7pm sharp as the requested.. The earliest is 7.30 pm which nanny will be a better choice.. I keep stepping back.. Close one eye when she giving difficultly but she keeping taking me for granted..she will never understand .. As she always think she's right... I'm going nuts!!!! :'(
its like that want ... they will always think they are right. Mine also like that, always says she knows but her action show other wise... lucky you are not staying with them! so have you left yr baby in nanny? or any infant care near yr work place?
If talk to them no use then you know that it's impossible to change their mindset. They have brought up their children in their own ways so they will not find anything wrong with what they do.
What we can do is to do something on our side - either close two eyes and let them do what they want or keep your baby away from them when you are not around. In your case, if you place your baby with nanny, dont't let them know where she lives and dont't give them her no.; if put at infant care, let the staff know that only you or your husband can fetch your baby back.
I already told my husband when engaged the nanny.. No matter what ..cannot let mother in law know where nanny stays n contact.. But when mother in law asked for it.. Husband refused to say.. N father in law say " y cannot let us know these little info?" that's when my husband no choice n say out nanny Block n floor... y must do these..? Was so pissed off!!!!
Alisa.. your right.. They always think they know.. But always do otherwise..
Ftlad .. Too late .. They know the block n floor.. Left e unit number n contact... Told husband delete nanny number from his mobile.. N if mother in law want.. Get it from me... I will never give!!!
Too stress up.. Called mother in law n talked to her for more than an hour.. For what I know.. She just kinda upset why we rather let nanny take care of baby instead of her... I told her.. Before any action was done.. We did informed her.. N she did agree on engaged a nanny n claimed that she has no confident on taking care of baby.. Now we engaged the nanny.. Why is she doing this to me...? What she want me to do now?? N she say... "you all already engaged nanny n confirm her.. What can I say?" oh my god!!! She sounds like we purposely dont't let her take care!!! Hello!!! She's the one claim it's better for us to engage nanny n say she's unable to take care... Now what the hell is she talking..???????? I told her.. If she really think she can take care.. I can cancel the nanny.. As long as she dont't give me anymore stress cause I'm going nuts!!! Guess what she say.."no .. I think I have no confident.. Let nanny take care better.." then how??? What the hell she wants from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HIya read your post & really bring back memories for me....same same here...was severely depressed in the days after dear son was born. But at the end of the day - if not wrong things will get better esp when your gal grow up a bit, able to communicate somewhat & has her personal pref. When that time come, tell you even if your mother in law want to carry your gal may also not want...haha
In the meanwhile, just avoid confrontation with your mother in law. Anything let your hubby take care. It's very very impt to have hubby on your side.
But she really driving me crazy...!!!!!! Husband has been explaining to her and she ok today.. Tomorrow story starts again... Everyday new things come...really can't stand it.. I have to go over with baby on sat.. I really really dont't know how to face her... Every Sat if go to her house.. I feel baby being snatched away from me... I dont't know why I feel that way...
She really stress me out... During these two months plus she always try to find new topic to create problems... My husband n I tried to solve but it doesn't get any better...she just dont't want to listen.. She even ask me to understand her cause she kinda old.. Sometimes might be abit nagging... But she been finding fault n nagging ever since baby was born...!!! Then why cant she understand the stress I'm facing that she created!!!!
Buy flat also the same.. I say I dont't mind her staying with us.. She today say ok... N tomorrow say dont't want.. N next say say she want.. N following day she say dont't want.. N requested she want master bedroom..cause she s already 67 years .. Its easier for her to access to the toilet.. I agree to let her have it.. Then next day say think better dont't..N we delayed buying for almost a year...! She been finding new ways to create the same topic cause she enjoy having discussion.. But what about us...!! It's so tiring to entertain her same topic!!! Flat topic finally over..n we bought our own flat... N she find new one.. Say want to sell her flat n live near us.. Same thing .. Today say she want .. Tomorrow call n say she worry she might not used to new environment .. N next day changed.. This ongoing for another almost a year...
Now.. baby topic... Nanny topic... have not't I being understanding enough ????? She want us to entertain her topic she created!!!! I can't stand it anymore!!!
think she is too boring . my mother in law also will twist her word and she dont admit when i said it. anyway, i now really let go , both eyes & both ears closed! whatever she say, i dont want to comment. i will just reply yes, no, dont know, ask my husband, ok . sometime i will ask her her question back. like they said when baby is sick, dont give fruits (cuz whenever my son is sick, taking fruits will worsen his sickness) then 2 days ago, she ask me want to feed my son fruits. I ask her back, i thought you say sick cannot eat fruits? then she can still say, fruits only, should be good want. end up next morning my son's running nose got worst! I told my husband, if i can have the say i will sure say NO straight in her face!
maybe you and yr husband can set her up, she suggest something, ask her what she think and what she will do and note down. next day she change again, note down again then ask her, she want this or that? hee... Sometimes old ppl have short term memory that they cannot rem what they said the day before or even few hours later. and most importantly, dont take her word to heart.
My mother in law also twist facts... She remember .. N doesn't have short term memory.. She remember all she said.. Just that she likes to find topic..!! I didn't take it to heart of her words but I feel so stressful that I have to entertain her repeated topics over n over n over n over n over again..!! I dont't know what will come after these..but there's gonna be more..I'm so afraid of getting an argument with her one day.. I'm so damn lost! I dont't know what the hell she wants from me..! I feel so stressful now knowing that I have to face her every sat.. Husband did say if dont't feel like going.. It's ok.. But how many sat can I avoid..? I still have to face the same topic ..! I'm starting work in three weeks time n I'm so worried that I might not cope with all the stress plus mother in law repeated topic..! I really really want to tell her off n say "I HAVE ENOUGH!" but I can't cause that will caused my husband in a very difficult position.. Tomorrow sat again..!!!!!! I'm so scare whenever Friday comes..!
Since she's like that, you can only either avoid or confront. You need to accept the fact that there is no way you can ever change her. If you really feel stressed meeting her then dont meet. No point make yourself so stressed over her. And you can't be too concerned of her opinions of you too.
If she keep changing her mind about any issue, then let your husband and yourself make the final decision. dont let her be the one to do so.
I personally think that it's best you and your mother in law dont stay together before you thought of a way to communicate and get along with her.
Last edited by ftlad; 21-09-2012 at 03:22 PM.
Tho my mother in law doesn't do what your mother in law does but she sure does things to piss me off. But the thing is I only go back once per week, and she can piss me off.
Most of the time she did things on purpose. Like for example, she asked my hub if it's OK to give my dear son apple. My hub didn't answer, but he look at me, waiting for me to answer. I told straight in her face, no, dont't give him apple now, since it's already 9plus pm, I dont't want him to have stomachache at night. But still, she still fed him apple, tho didn't let him chew, but sucking is equally bad. That very night, my dear son keeps crying... sighs.
So now, whenever it's Friday, I'll be very Moody. Cos I really dont't like to go back. If can, I will try to close both eyes. But I also make sure if I dont't want things to happen, I won't let it happen the first time. Ie. Staying overnight. mother in law keep asking us to stay overnight, both hub and I just say no every single time she ask.
If you can, make things clear. If not try to hint? I gave very obvious hints.... dont't want, dont't like means no.... best is avoid... but you can't avoid all the time.
I tried to hint .. dont't know if she get it or act blur... I tried to the extend to tell her nicely that she's stressing me n relationship between me n my husband turn abit cold.. And she say she dont't mean it.. And tell me to understand that old people tends to be abit nagging..and I got soft hearted n next day... It will start all over again!!!!! I say n only last for a day or two... I know its hard for her to change but I really stress out.. Everyday... I mean everyday.. New pattern came out and create new topic.. I close one eyes for three years...!! N now I really know I couldn't take it... But what can I do..? I can dont't go her house n avoid her.. But how long can I avoid her? I still got to face her..why.. Why we always try to make things right with mother in law yet they do otherwise..?? Why always mother in law is the one try to be funny????!!!!!!!!!! Arghhhhhhhhhh......!!!!!!!!!!!
If it's me, I will tell my husband straight that if this goes on, one day either I will flare up or go crazy and see what he will do.
Think your mother in law knows you are soft-hearted kind so she will make herself sound pitiful. Best is your husband can do the confrontation.
Now most important is you stand firm on your point no matter what she says and dont turn soft when she make herself pitiful.
Hi first mummy, I totally understand what you are going thru. Because I was once you!! What I did now is to block her number from my phone. She can call me 10times a day and ask what my son eat. How I cook. To the point of she said she want to move in. Because of that attitude what we stayed with her, we decided to move out. She even fought with me due to controlling my life too much. At age 80, she is so strong and vulgar. I stopped her from coming to my house. But didn't stop my husband from bringing my son to her place once a week. Didn't talk much to her when we meet once a week. Husband is totally on my side. As a son, he can't even tolerate his mum. So he dont expect his wife to Da Han his mum. Well, to be nasty, I stopped calling her 'mother. What she did to me is far more worst than your mother in law. She is endangering my son's life even without herself knowing. When it happen, she said, is it? I dont know Why like that. I forgot you told me he cannot eat that. you know.. I got dementia. She pushed all blame and fault to others. From then onwards, I told myself, never ever ever leave my children with her alone. Anything happen to my kids, it's me who have to take care of em forever. Not her. mother in law always think they know every damn thing. Saying how they look after their kids. Somehow, nth gets into their brain that kids r different from last last time. First mummy, baby is Urs. you have all the right to stop anyone from touching your kids if you think it's not right.
I think you need a break. Its definitely frustrating to handle with such a mother in law and not to mention your hubby also not very firm. For me, I believe that you have a firm stand on what you want for your daughter, go ahead with it. A nanny will definitely do a better job in caring for your child. Make sure your hubby has the same interest as you for your daughter.
Since information given to your mother in law, just inform your nanny that they can visit, but they can't bring her home. And when the nanny needs to bathe or put the baby to sleep, the nanny have to be firm and do her job.
sometimes, the elderly might just want to find some excitement for them to entertain, in your case, having many topics. For me, I will always just keep quiet and nod. If it has something to do with my child, I will be firm and stand up for it. For instance, Mskyliee, the mother in law gave apple at 9pm and caused the son to cry the night, for me its my father in law that likes to give my son all the rubbish food, I will stop him and in front of the kid and father in law and hubby say that he can't have this at this time cause he gets indigestion at night. Then if he vomit or cry in the night, the next day I will tell mother in law about it, she will nag at father in law.
Thank God my mother in law is not that bad, she is 61 years old. And I have 2nd one coming next year.
All the best Firstmummy!
Wa... I didn't know you guys faced worst... If that happened to me.. Think I will breakdown .... I'm so sorry.. But I can't bring myself to be so strong as you guys... I can't stop thinking that she's she's 67 years.. N I somehow when she's say she's old n I have to understand old people.. I start feeling myself so wrong... But when things happen.. I start blaming myself why I can't be more firm....? I feel like screaming at her but when I look at her.. I worry might break her heart... I feel myself so stupid fool..!!
Why mother in law must be the one finding fault..? Why they can't be like our mother..? Thru we are not their fresh blood.. But we are going thru what they used to go thru...!! Like giving birth to their grandchild etc.. Why they like that..?
Ya... They always thought they know all damn thing about bring the child up like they used to be...n refused to accept our ways of bringing our child.. That's why when that time I try to teach her how to change diaper.. She say she know..n ended up she stick the two sides of the diaper very tight till baby was feeling uncomfortable .. Not to break her heart I still have to console her that it's ok... Then ask me change milk brand n says her friend say can change.. But why change since baby is fine after drinking n has been drinking since she was born..? I dont't understand her.. She will ignore me.. Stare at me for seconds n talk hokkien to my husband.. Which I dont't really understand much..
How...? I got to face her tomorrow again..when step in her house less than 30 seconds.. She will appear in front of me n say let her carry.. Can I say can wait awhile..? I really dont't like the feeling of the moment I stepped into her house.. I have to be separated from my baby.. But she's only gets to see baby once a week..
mother in law only know the block n floor.. I can't let her know the unit number no matter what.. It's a no no that she can visit n disturb the nanny..cause I know if she goes.. She will go almost everyday... N she will follow the nanny and watch her tight whenever nanny is carrying baby... Just like what she did to me... I scare nanny will get frustrated ... N I'm very sure due to her attitude.. She will carry the baby most of the time n nanny will have a hard time... To this I will be firm... I rather tell her a unit number that doesn't exist if she really force me to say...
No baby find problem.. Got baby worst problems..i really want to tell her firm but she always say.. She believed that I'm not a heartless person that will throw her to die right..? Then I will start thinking.. Am I doing anything wrong.. Will I hurt her feeling etc.. Feel like slapping myself sometimes..!!
She's obviously taking advantage of your soft-heartedness! For the sake of your baby and yourself, perhaps you really need to harden your heart for once.
Firm!!! Be firm! I was like you... soft soft.. my mother in law 80yrs old and can hardly walk properly, plus her dementia and depression. Last time I think like you... she's old.. it's OK ... let her do what she want. Let her scold me. Let her choose what my son wear and eat. Until one day, son got rashes all over, fever up to 39.5 due to too much durian she fed. From then onwards, I changed my attitude towards her. My son, my on way of teaching and bringing him up. She dont allow me to scold my son even he's rebellious. I dont care! I still say her infront of her son and daughter. Glad to say, they are all on my side. First mummy, talk to your husband. dont let anything happen, like if your mother in law know where the nanny stay, nanny cannot take it, dont want to look after your baby, how? Getting a good nanny is not easy. Explain the worst scenario to your husband. Does he want to take the risk? Have a nice talk. No one can be as worst as a mother in law who has dementia and depression and possessive mother in law like mine. Staying with her is like living in hell. Not a day I was happy and smiling. Husband sees it. Tus agree moving out. First mummy, Be Firm!!! Say your mother in law if there's a need to protect your baby and family. Jia you!!
Yes yes... Be firm. dont't even let anything happen for the first time. If not they will surely find fault in us. I agree that mother in law always think they r good in taking care of their grandchildren, even if the one they take care are always falling sick or super rebellious. They just dont't know that spoiling them is bad. That's why I dont't let my mother in law look after my son. And im glad that my mom
Taking care of him, means there is discipline.
Really hope we won't turn out to be like them. I dont't want to do nasty things or say nasty things about my future daughter in law. I told my hub, I dont't want to stay with them when they get married. If want to let me look after, then must solely trust me.
Im sorry to hear about your plight.. We share e same prob that rs with mother in law turns bad after my ger was born. now i dont go back my in laws house every wkend cos im not happi with them. I move back to my mom's place after my mat leave cos i work nearby. now whenever baby and i go back my in laws house we will stay in my hubby's room n close door so they cant c or touch baby. We also dont have meals tog. My hubby n i will tk turns to eat. after mani occasions of complainin to my hubby, he finali lets mi do what i want.
Thank you gals.... I will be firm..! Later going mother in law house.. I will be firm too if she try to do something funny... I think it over.. Ya... baby is mine.. I should know what I want for baby..! I'm so glad I have you guys..if not, I think I'm going crazy..thank you..
how is it? she repeat again or not? i am thinking, since she always like to repeat what she had said, why not you did the same too? hee... yr in-laws sees yr baby once a week only, my in-laws sees my son everyday but still kept hugging him like long time never sees my sons and if i comment anything, they will feel that i dont allow then to touch my son...
I dont know why some in laws are like that. Simply stubborn. Either they dont ask you and just do their way or they asked you and then continue to do their way. They raised their children they way they want it. Now is our chance to be parents, just let us raise our kids the way we chose it to be. They are called grandparents, not parents of our child. If they dont know how to back out when needed, and is causing you so much stress in your life, you need to be firm. Just make your stand clear, minimise contact and remind and remind again to them on your decision (if they bug you). You dont have to be mean, just be firm, lest you be accused of disrespect of elderly. You have a right to be pissed off, but you are not alone. For the sake of your sanity, dont bother too much of her opinions of you. Some people try to be everything to everybody, but you cant please everyone and yourself. You will need your hubby to be on the same page as you, so speak to him calmly and ask for his support. Aim to be happy for yourself and your family.
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