Stay a distance and not talk to her unnecessarily
Talk to her, try to understand her & her strange habits
Talk to your husband
Pray that she will kick the bucket soon
This is a discussion on My mother-in-law, Mdm L rom hell within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; Originally Posted by Eliza Hahas.. she prob nag the dog until it's dead.>.< sigh! The poor dog....
Well, I doubt your in-laws think about you all the time. Why should you right? *hugs*
Currently I'm back at work now and felt that my emotions are more stable now... That's why now when I think back about what I feel, I blame them for doing that to me and caused me to think this way...
Now sometimes I feel very guilty of thinking in that way when I see how healthy and lively is my girl now...
I just hope that in future when i have number 2, I wont be stuck in the same situation again...
Mokona, good to hear you are feeling better after back at work. Think it's impt not to think about them all the time as that would make things worse. the website about depression ays women tend to ruminate while men take their minds off the things, and that's one reason why more women tend to have depression than men.
Just remember you live for the sake of yrself, not for others, what matters is you n yr hubby are happy, the rest is not very imp. you are going to live with yr hubby for life, not yr in laws. I also used to think a lot about hw my in laws think of me etc n that resulted me hving anxiety n had to consult a psychiatrist when I just got married. Luckily it was not serious, if not would lead to depression also. Ever since I have learnt to "hear in, hear out". That is life, not worth to sacrifice for sake of others. Now, I can't be bothered to talk much to my in laws since they also dont't care much about us. Every yr CNY, though I dislike them but I still have to "Show face, show face" to pay them a visit. Thereafter, no more already.. every yr, we dont't get to see them very often coz my hubby n I are busy with our work, need to go for biz trip too, so we got "excuses"..haha..
So my advise is better dont't think too much, it may lead to anxiety n slowly to depression. Esp if you are aware it is not yr fault or prob, then why should you care??
Re number 2. Hmmm...you should be able to manage better since you already have 'experiences' when you have number 1. Are your in-laws going to help look after number 1 when you are in confinement, etc? Have a prep talk with your hubby and things should be well.
Thank you everyone for your support!
I admit I used to think too much about my in-laws...
I used to encourage my husband to visit his parents every week when we first moved out. My husband didn't feel that there was a need to visit his parents every week and I think maybe because I'm lost my parents when I was very young, I feel that family bonding is important. But now after how they treat me, I never did any request to ask them out for dinner or visit their house.
Now knowing CNY is near, I dont't know how am I going to go thru it...
Especially during the 1st day of CNY where I will be seeing 4 of mother in law's sisters and a few of my husband's "uneducated" cousins...
so when number i have number 2, i will most likely engage a maid or be stay at home mum. I told my hubby that mother in law wil never have the chance of taking care of her again...
Even his mum's side!! Luckily my husband and I were on the same wavelength about his mum's extended family - we dislike them but still no choice but to attend but luckily just one day with them.
What will happen during CNY - during 15 days (weekends and public holiday) - we will have to spend time with ALL OF THEM from the dad's side - go to different houses (uncles, aunties, cousins) play black jack and hei even so when we already gather for reunion dinner and on the first day at grandparent's house. The things about all these uncles and aunties - they do not have in-laws at all; their in-laws either passed on or they are not locals, so not in SG. So they expect all their nieces and nephews to be the same as them and spend time with them!! On second day of CNY, we will usually go to my mum's place in the afternoon as my Aunty and cousins are there and we will have dinner too. But one of his Aunty (the only good friend with my mother in law and shit stirrer) will have her open house too. And she INSISTED that we MUST go to her house which we would, but just to show respect for a short while before heading to my mum's. When hubby explained to her, she looked at me like it's my fault that we have take our leave. Then she INSISTED we should join them for dinner!! She dare suggest that we come back and meet them for dinner! WTF right? They are selfish people. I told my hubby that just because she has no in-laws, doesn't mean others dont't have.
Her daughter got married this year, let's see how her daughter manages next year at CNY. and most nephews and nieces were married and some with new born babies - see how they behave next year! I doubt they will spend so much time with them too!
I hate it also how is it a must to have open house too!! My hubby will always try to book a slot and invite them over about 20+ of them and spend the whole day at my house! Headache!! Then have to watch over the mother in law because she will kapo everything, even things behind closed doors!!!
We are not having a open house next year at CNY because it's a rental place we are putting up at and it's only about 1000sq ft, no space for MJ table. And when they know we are not, some of them not happy of course - stir shit already. But the following year 2013 will be terrible because my place will be ready and it's 1900sq ft - more headache for me when they come over.
I am planning to start my IVF in Jan next year, just before CNY. Hopefully these people wouldn't affect my mood swing.
My mother in law looks after my brother in law's daughter. Seriously, I will NEVER allow my mother in law to look after my kid from what damage I've seen my mother in law inflict on my niece. Like I've mentioned, my mother in law is very old schooled and chinese ed so sometimes she can be harsh on the kid. She doesn't hit the kid or anything like that but it's the way she speaks to the girl. I remember visiting my mother in law with my son. My niece was scared, dont't ask me and shy so my mother in law kept yelling and saying that she's useless and went on and on about her being useless for more than an hour. That girl is like 3 and half and no wonder she's always scared and shy from all the verbal abuse! And when she finally played with my son, she was still yelling useless girl!
After that i totally never talk to them cause they feel that they have the key to my house they can enter as and when as they want. I feel that is very rude and intruding of privacy until i couldn't take it and told my hubby, "now i hate your parents till the sight of them makes me unhappy. I will not talk to them and plan anything with them. If you want to meet them or go out with them together with me, go ahead. I will not say no to you but i will not talk to them."
Sometimes they come over to my house to play with my girl but i treat them as transparent, just like how they treat me...
Try sitting down n have causal Tok like mayb relate my case to your hubby first then slowly Tok to him ... I always use waterr you guys said n what happen to you guys n relate the stories to my hubby... Telling him hw fear am I if I pregnant what nonsense his mum will give me.... Then if I got baby hw... Everything... Slowly Tok to him... He will understand
I'm sure my sister in law knows that my mother in law is saying or shouting stuff to her daughter but I guess she's too timid to stand up for her daughter's rights and that dumb brother in law of mine has no balls. So Mokona, as a mother, you'll have to choose and be smart about your children. You're your child's mother and if you dont't protect your child, who the hell is going to do that for you?
Certain ways to identify depression:
often sad, tearful
drift away frm communicating wid ppl (does not feels like talking)
have no interest in family events or wadsoever
gets irritated easily by small lil things that wont irritate you in the past
i wanted total breastfeeding but in the hospital, mother in law insisted that baby to be fed with formula.
now i am on partial breastfeeding. mother in law was very nasty to comment that my milk flow was so little during the initial 3 days.
she also made a lot of negative comments about various things and insisted on her way. aid the things I bought for my baby are not good enough even though I bought quality products. commented on baby clothes, baby mittens, booties & socks, nappy cloth, nappy safety pins, towels etc.
she insisted on feeding my newborn with glucose water & lots of water
although she comes to help to bathe baby, she also commented that I should not buy the baby wash & lotion but use johnson's baby soap etc.
she always makes a lot of comments. said shld not use steriliser for milk bottles but use salt to wash the bottles & teats!!!
want to harm baby's kidneys?!!
today's 1st day of CNY. in-laws came to my home. 1st time gv ang pow to baby cos they didnt gv to him earlier when he was born.
and to make things worse, my father in law gv my hubby, mother in law gv one small one to Burmese maid.
Guess what?!!!! I didnt even get any ang pow!!!!!!!
I asked my hubby later that why is it that when I didnt gv birth, at least I had an ang pow.
Now, after giving birth to a son & their 1st & only grandson, i didnt even have any, and our Burmese maid actually gets an ang pow, but not me?!!!
Until no, my father in law still owes me $$$ for the 2 banquet tables as he donated the ang pows away. I was the one who paid for the wedding banquet using my credit card. Although I asked him for the $$$ last year, he said he was not the ne who owed me, it's my hubby who owes me!!!! WTF.
Do allow me to share my mother in law version.
My mother in law is an avid gambler, she has gambled her house away and has to remortgage the house back to the bank and ever since we moved back, my hubby & myself has been giving her money to help her to pay for the monthly instalement. This is on top of the utilities bills, our monthly groceries meals and helper salary. Finally, she cant handle the instalments anymore, so she proposed to change the title to our name but we have to buy it at the market price.
But she kept telling all her relatives we get a good deal and its "kind" of her to tsf the house to us. Hmm, with the kind of money I have forked out + what I paid for the house, I can buy myself 2 nice neat apartments by now.
She is still very proud and always boast that she is the only one that can loose a few properties just in the share market. I dont think that is something very glorious, but she still like to boast this often to her friends & relatives as one of her biggest achievement. I really dont understand her mentality.
She is very boastful and loves to shop, when she is obviously very broke. The latest is a ring and she kept wanting to sell to me. I told her with the price, I can cater for at least a year of living & education costs to my family of 3 kids.. but she insist that I take it & say I can pay her back when I have the money! She obviously has been shopping with the rich tai tai and has to buy something to show that she is of the same status & cannot loose face.
Anyway, she still openly tell me that her birthday angpow has to be at least 1k. As all her friends are getting at least 1k. Hello, all her friends are very rich who has recurring passive income, but not me. I didnt even give my parents money and in fact, they are giving me money to help me to service the house instalment and with the family expenses. Not forgetting the angpow for CNY, Mother Day, Mooncake festival & Dumpling festival.
If she gets into a fight with her son, she will tell me to buy her an apartment so that she can move out. Has no guts to tell her son off but will verbally abuse me & my kids.
I read from the thread, that some mother in law will verbally abuse the kids, well, my mother in law when get to the breaking point, will hit my kids. Her usual tactic is to take the kids head & bang them against the wall. And she always make sure she will do this in front of me & the other 2 kids and only when my husband is not around. She remarked that this is the way to teach my kids and not use the education of love. She has even said that next time if my kids are naughty again, she will tie them up & beat them with the belt.
The most recent incident happened when my eldest kid has upset her, so I told him to go to the library outside first till daddy or myself is home, in case, he gets beaten. Then I get a phone call and got scolded by my mother in law for a good 10min, with her yelling to me at the top of her voice - citing that this is not the way to teach my kids & the kid should stay at home for her to teach them - and not to try to hide from her, so that she can show the kids that respect must be shown and then she slammed the phone down.
No helper can stay for 2 years with me. I have change so many helpers that MOM has issue me a warning. None of them can take her scolding at all. Her words are so demeaning and evil. One of the past helper even claim that my father in law touches her - now I have 2 gals - even if the helper is lying, how would I know if my father in law would ever touch my gals when Im out working..
oh yes, forget about the hubby - whenever I propose to move out, he said - then I can move but not him. and if I push more, he will just flare out & say he does not want to hear any more of this & ask me to sort it out with his mum. What more can you ask from a supportive hubby right?
13 years of staying under one roof, 3 kids, depression treatments, and often, I feel like just taking my kids to jump off with me to end this.
So thats my little family story...
Last edited by Estonia; 26-01-2012 at 04:25 PM.
That's very sad to read about your story with mother in law. It's especially hard when the husband is not much supportive.
I married 1 year ago and can't even think of staying with mother in law for a few months. Even though it will save me much money for us, I rather rent an apartment and stay there till I got a new house.
Salute you for able to stay 13 years