This is a discussion on Private Investigator within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; Originally Posted by skirtdressnsuch errmmmmmm i mean for the items under your profile column, how did you get the 'level' ...
Last edited by skirtdressnsuch; 02-06-2010 at 10:37 AM.
i side-tracked abit..
i was quite determined to divorce my husband and even asked the lawyer to check on our HDB status already..
but lately these few days, he has been nice to me and behaved himself well. we had a good talk few days back and he said he has finally "awaken" and realized that he is VERY wrong and that he still wants this family.. asked me to give him another chance and that he will prove to me that he is worth me trusting again and will make all efforts to make things work.
to me, i still love him very much and i think i am able to forgive him but not forget the incident. i asked myself if i should give him another chance... i really wanted to offer him this last chance but inside me, i am really, really very fearful that he will hurt me again cause now the trust is no longer... he told me trust needs time to build which i agree, however, the hurt in me now is way too much that i cannot bring myself to agree to that chance that he asked for...
what should i do??
forgive and accept him again?
If you want to forgive him, maybe write down some things that you want him to do to show that he has mended his ways. Something tangible, like coming home by a certain time everyday, and maybe something like doing family activities together during the weekends. You can tell him that these are some things which he must meet at the minimum. If he can't even meet your minimum requirements, then you'll know that he's most probably lying again.
He 'behaved' as is he is not going out anymore?
Does he let you check his handphone?
Does he know you have evidence against him from PI?
is he doing this because you ask a lot from him from the divorce, now he is trying to make you forgive him, so that once your evidence is invalid after six months he can't filed against you?
as for the handphone, i asked for it and he agreed readily and show me immediately. i checked and nothing unusual was found. what does this mean?? he has turn over a new leaf?? or he is prepared that i may check, thus already deleted whatsoever....
well, in fact, i think just like you... i think he is doing all these now is because:
1. he feels that i asked for too much should we divorce and he is not willig to part that much of his assets to me
2. he is trying to buy time, so that after 6mths, all evidences will be invalid.
but women are soft-hearted creatures.. beacuse i still love him, i keep telling myself that he may be TRUE this time, he really learnt his lesson, etc... but on the other hand, i am not confident that he will change....
haizzz... i really dont know what to do...........
Even if he is really doing it to make your evidence invalid after 6 mths or just so that he won't have to part his assets or he wants to fight for custody of your child... What is the extent of this love which you are professing?
For him, are you willing to bear it IF he is getting back for those raesons listed above?
It's a 50-50 scenario. He might have turned over a new leaf.. Or he might really be buying time.
Is your fear greater than your willingness to trust him again?
It is a personal choice you gotta make and if you are clear of what your expectations are, you won't be disappointed. I think every decision in any matter, will come with expectations.
As for the requirements, he can agree with his mouth, but he must do with his actions. If he is with his friends, set a curfew. Like he must be home by 10pm or even 9pm.
My point is, look forward, dont't look back. Let the past decide what measures you want to implement for the future. Learn from it. dont't dwell on it.
Words are easy to say but hard to do I know... But dont't be discouraged. You child needs you.
i tink you are right... "look forward and dont look back"
and let the past decide on the measures to implement for the future....
i know it's a personal choice of mine and only myself can weigh the amount of love i have for him... frankly, he has been nice to me these few days.. and i am sort of quite "touched" and so soft-hearted that i have the urge to forgive and go back to him. but, i clearly know that should we be together again, i want him to:
1. wear our wedding ring from now onwards so that he will be reminded that he is a married man
2. renew our vows again
3. go for marriage/ family counselling
do you think this work??
come to think about it... i think the above statement is quite true....
if we were to turn the picture the other way round, meaning i am the one "eating out" now... i also will ask for forgiveness and expect to have a 2nd chance too.....
so, i guess, for now, i will still wait for a while and see how he performs these few days... before making a final decision.
I think going for marriage counselling is good.
Whether it works really depends on his heart. If he is willing and has really changed, whatever you do will work. But if he hasn't, then no matter what you do, will not work.
I feel that at least you have tried, one last time, to give him another chance. I hope that he will cherish it and I'm sure you hope that too. I know hope can be painful and fragile but I also know you're doing this for yourself and your daughter.
I really hope the best for you. Stay strong for your daugther.
i think what diymummy said is true.. it all depends on his heart, if he is willing to change and put all efforts to make this marriage goes further, then it will works, otherwise, it will be back to square 1. it's all about his will-power!!
but to be frank, till today, i still dont see and feel this kind of determination and will-power from him..... haizz
he keep telling me:
1. that if i were to give him another chance, i must forget about all that happened
2. that i must trust him again
3. that i must learn to be more open-minded and let him hang out withy his friends
all i can say is, till now, he still dont feel REALLY remorseful that he has done me wrong and doesn't even give me any promises that he will change or what kind of efforts is he going to do to prove to me that he is willing to change and no assurance from him as well. he keep pointing the finger at me (like what i said above), expecting me to do this and that while he doesn't assure me anything on his part...
i dont have a daughter.. i am childless..
if i have one daughter, i will not hesitate to forgive him.. but beacuse, i dont have one, i am still in dilemma if i should forgive or divorce
1. that if i were to give him another chance, i must forget about all that happened, - you at fault for not forgetting the incident.
2. that i must trust him again - blaming you again for not trusting him again.
3. that i must learn to be more open-minded and let him hang out withy his friends - again blaming you for being not opened minded.
he didn't reflect himself all this is cause by himself. There dont't seem to be any efforts by him to win your heart back. And pushing all the blame to you. like that how to forgive and forget.
Can i know the what did the lawyer say about the evidence, is it strong enough to file divorce?
i told my dad about everything that he told me (as above). My dad was very mad and ask him for a talk yesterday. when my dad asked him if he is willing to change and assure that such things will not repeat again in future.... guess his answer!! he said he is not sure and cannot promise anything!!!
I cant believe that he will give such answer!! so goes to my dad... and my dad said he is hopeless and asked me to divorce him..