Relationship with hubby...

[woofy55]

Do you feel the relationship with hubby is different after giving birth? Though we still love each other, but I feel is different oredi. And everyday i stayed at home looking after my boy, end of the day - i'm so exhausted. And hubby also knows that I'm tired, so also didnt' press me for his needs. We've not been making love since I was pregnant and my baby is now 2months old. When I was pregnant, on and off, still got some intimacy. But now.. sigh.. actually, I feel I dont't have any needs anymore - maybe cos I'm just too exhausted. And I'm breastfeeding my baby - my hubby also think that the boobs is "milk making machine" and belongs to our baby. He thot is kinda weird to "share" it with our baby.

I'm kinda sad hearing that - i dont't know - I just feel life indeed will never be the same again.

[annie]

of cos relationship will change after having a baby. some changes for the better and some for the worse. no matter what, your whole life change after having a baby. just need time to get used to it. i used to feel the same as you and i thought having a baby ruin our relationship.. same as you, im very dead tired everyday and i go to bed same time as my girl (she sleeps at 930pm and i sleep at 1030pm as i need to catch up on some other household chores and rush to bed) to catch as much sleep as i can since she wakes up many times for milk at night when she was younger.. so i super lack of sleep.. and due to sleeping early, i have not much time to commuicate with hubby too. not to mention making love. i always reject his advances of making love in the bedroom as our girl is in the same rm and i feel kinda odd to have someone else in the same rm while we are making love.. also worried about waking her thus we never had sex in the bedroom even till now. but as time goes by and your baby gets older and sleeps better at night or sleep through the night, you will feel much better (got used to this new lifestyle of yours and well rested) so things will pick up. sex life should go back to normal. dont worry too much and look on the bright side...

[hakisumi]

dont worry you r not alone... Me from preggy till now my baby 3.5mths only do ONCE!! Lol
not only that..I seems to become back my old self..when I was preggy like so quiet anything everything also ok..these 3.5mths at home like seems to slowly find back myself..wanna find my self-worth..seems to lose myself ...I always remind myself I m not like that...
I also feel weird if my lil boy slpg in the sarong..lol..luckily hubby didn't press me also..just hope everything turn out well  tk care n god bless

[diymummy]

Hi woofy,

It's inevitable for the dynamics to change in your marriage with the arrival of your little one. Afterall, the baby is really demanding for our time and energy.

For me, I take this as entering into the next phase of our marriage, where we no longer just live for ourselves, rather for our little one(s).

It requires effort to carve out that couple time and it is important to do so too. When I was on maternity leave, we hardly had that precious couple time except after our baby sleeps at 9pm. After that, I still need to express milk and clean up the house and stuff.

We were also feeling weary that we no longer seem to be able to meet each other's needs due to sheer tiredness. But all these will improve as the baby grows older. Now, 13 months on after my son's birth, we have much more couple time and feel less tired. On some weekends, we ask hubby's mum to come watch over baby while we date.

It also helps to have couple time in front of baby. We do that during dinner time where baby sits in his rocker and watch us eat and chat. Having a strong couple relationship will build security in the child because he knows that he is in a safe environment.

The 1st 6 mths of my son's life was the most gruelling for us.

Hang in there woofy. It helps to share your feelings with your hubby or find friends whom you can chat with and can encrouage you.

[flyaway]

Glad to know that I am not alone having this problem. i find that having no. 2 seemed to worsen the rs with hubby. Both hubby and I are exhausted by No. 1 who needs our attention all the time. Now even heavily pregnant with no. 2, but I feel that hubby is not as caring as before.

My sis who is married, does not have kids yet, still enjoying her honeymood period I supposed cos I told her that married rs will change for worse when have kids, she said I was being too negative.

Sometimes I really envy her that she is still enjoying life without kids and I have to slog like sh*t and things will get worse if no. 2 will be out. RS will hubby with probably deteroriate for the worse cos hubby will be sleep deprive etc?

[stonston]

No one to help you at home? husband & I predicted this would happen so no hesitations on getting a maid. My parents help on weekends so husband & I get loads of alone time to go out with friends or just bum around at home

sometimes you'll need help from others. Can try to plan a short getaway after #2 is around few mths old while you still on mat leave.

[camom]

You'll need time to adjust, we all did. Your relationship will become stronger. You know, even a cuddle works wonders when you are feeling tired.

Of course... for me personally, it's no longer a matter of just 2 of us. It's 3 (or even more!) of us. Where we used to go for midnight shows and late night dates in our pre-kids days, we now spend the time catching up on chores and sleep. Where we used to spend time planning & cooking for the fun of it, we now do it bcos we have to do it, and meals get simpler and simpler. Where we used to spend time talking and chatting over coffee, we now do it in bed after the kids sleep and just before either 1 of us falls asleep.

But the intangible benefits and joy I receive are really really priceless. For one, the unconditional love from my kids. The joy of waking up with them in the mornings and when they serve me pretend food when they are playing with the cooking set, awwww...

Jiayou, mummy!

[meiteoh]

Ohyes, life is never the same again (if you read one of my threads, you'll see how I had to adjust and so forth BUT I'm glad I did) but it's a good difference.

I like to think of children in a relationship as a way of bringing your partnership to another level. A couple is no longer just concerned about their own lifestyles and decisions that affect the two of them BUT their lifestyle and actions/decisions now revolves around someone else; that can be challenging for many people. This is why the older generation will always seem married people WITHOUT kids as just good as being single/"not matured yet"; being a parent means that you have truly matured and are on par with them so to speak.

Having children can bring out the worst in some people but for the most of us, it brings out the best. We become more concerned, careful, thoughtful, organized, loving, understanding, patient and so forth. I sometimes watch my hubby with my daugther and it touches me - he's more sure of himself and patient too, not to mention more tolerant and warm.

Of course we won't be able to go for a movie as and when we like - it's harder when you dont't have parents or in-laws in the same city/country - and of course, our sex life has changed but for the most part, I'm glad to say that we are more intimate and loving with each other.

Perhaps what would help is that you meet up with other people as often as you can and take some time out to do "me" stuff. I go for yoga at least once a week and my hubby has his rugby games on the weekends where we meet up with his friends (with our baby along), have dinner and so forth. Socializing helps take the edge of things. Other times, if I need a break, he'll take over when he's at home and so forth.

[Fisherman's Friend]

My relationship with my hubby also changed alot. We weren't as loving as we used to be. And we are spending lesser time as a couple together. Last time, we used to go out often, but now with dear daughter around, its just him out with his friends, and i'll be at home with dear daughter since im only able to see her over the weekends as my mum is helping me to look after her.

I used to quarrel alot with hubby about it, and things turned out really bad, but now, i already given up. Though i do still feel lonely at times, im glad that dear daughter is so much closer to me than any one else. I think at least that's something to be really happy about.

[babybull]

My baby is 2 months old too, and my hubby and I have not't resumed sexual relations since pregnancy either. Actually both of us are eager, but we have no one to help look after our baby, so couple time is always 'triple' time, whether we're going out or just staying at home. Its really exhausting looking after baby alone, so my hubby takes over when he comes home from work.

I feel that our relationship has deepened and his love for me is even stronger, cherishes me even more after going through with me the traumatic labour and birth. But hubby also told me countless times that he really misses the time we used to have together, without a 'third wheel' in the spoke. Baby sleeps and feeds at erratic hours, so its practically impossible to plan for any 'us' time or 'me' time.

Hopefully things will improve when baby grows older and adheres to a more fixed schedule.

[wenz]

when baby still young they need lotsa attention and night feeds too plus our body is still recovering so we wun feel the needs and husband also dont feel like disturbing us... but as baby grow older and you got more free time slowly things will go back on track..
dont worry... spend some times alone for a date or what and keep the passion going... soon everything will fall back in place.

[nancy]

Originally Posted by wenz when baby still young they need lotsa attention and night feeds too plus our body is still recovering so we wun feel the needs and husband also dont feel like disturbing us... but as baby grow older and you got more free time slowly things will go back on track.. dont worry... spend some times alone for a date or what and keep the passion going... soon everything will fall back in place.

Guess I'm not alone too. My hubby and I only started to get intimate after hte delivery when we brought our baby to KL last dec when she was 6 mths old!! Imagine 6 months plus without a sex life for my hubby! ha ha.. but he never pressurized me during those 6 mths .. thank God!

Hence maybe a short hols for the family can make the "atmosphere" better and hence kindle the "desire" again?

I'm presently waiting for my last vaccine of Cervarix in end Feb so that I can "full gear" to make another baby after that. Hope that I will get pregnant again this yr and have a 2nd baby. Know it is going to be tough but better get it done with now cos I'm no longer young this yr!! sigh..

[wenz]

Originally Posted by nancy Guess I'm not alone too. My hubby and I only started to get intimate after hte delivery when we brought our baby to KL last dec when she was 6 mths old!! Imagine 6 months plus without a sex life for my hubby! ha ha.. but he never pressurized me during those 6 mths .. thank God! Hence maybe a short hols for the family can make the "atmosphere" better and hence kindle the "desire" again? I'm presently waiting for my last vaccine of Cervarix in end Feb so that I can "full gear" to make another baby after that. Hope that I will get pregnant again this yr and have a 2nd baby. Know it is going to be tough but better get it done with now cos I'm no longer young this yr!! sigh..

haha... my sex life resume after like 3months from birth and was only like once a month.. till recently we are more active as baby can sleep longer at night.. also now baby can play on his own so i wun be so tired looking after him.... this is just a process but still it required both party to put in effort as well...
Small trip, short date etc will keep the passion going.... dont give ourself too much execuse... this will only make things stagment~

[wenz]

Originally Posted by nancy Guess I'm not alone too. My hubby and I only started to get intimate after hte delivery when we brought our baby to KL last dec when she was 6 mths old!! Imagine 6 months plus without a sex life for my hubby! ha ha.. but he never pressurized me during those 6 mths .. thank God! Hence maybe a short hols for the family can make the "atmosphere" better and hence kindle the "desire" again? I'm presently waiting for my last vaccine of Cervarix in end Feb so that I can "full gear" to make another baby after that. Hope that I will get pregnant again this yr and have a 2nd baby. Know it is going to be tough but better get it done with now cos I'm no longer young this yr!! sigh..

ohh btw... JIAYOU!!

[bubbybub]

try to do the simplest things... you dont really need to go out dating in order to still have 'feelings'.

things like reaching out to hold his hand when you two are on the bed, caressing his back if he is not faced towards you, giving him little kisses on the face etc etc etc.. you dont need much time to show some love to him. Soon he will reciprocate too!

dont let the fire die !!

[Domique]

hey diymummy,

for me, alaric is one and i feel that he is draining more energy and making me more tired at the end of the day..... no partor for me....

his unstable walking and testing boundaries and no eating problems....

i must say it does affect me and hubby relationship.

i cannot be sweet to him anymore but i become Oscar the grouch at the end of everyday!

Originally Posted by diymummy Hi woofy, It's inevitable for the dynamics to change in your marriage with the arrival of your little one. Afterall, the baby is really demanding for our time and energy. For me, I take this as entering into the next phase of our marriage, where we no longer just live for ourselves, rather for our little one(s). It requires effort to carve out that couple time and it is important to do so too. When I was on maternity leave, we hardly had that precious couple time except after our baby sleeps at 9pm. After that, I still need to express milk and clean up the house and stuff. We were also feeling weary that we no longer seem to be able to meet each other's needs due to sheer tiredness. But all these will improve as the baby grows older. Now, 13 months on after my son's birth, we have much more couple time and feel less tired. On some weekends, we ask hubby's mum to come watch over baby while we date. It also helps to have couple time in front of baby. We do that during dinner time where baby sits in his rocker and watch us eat and chat. Having a strong couple relationship will build security in the child because he knows that he is in a safe environment. The 1st 6 mths of my son's life was the most gruelling for us. Hang in there woofy. It helps to share your feelings with your hubby or find friends whom you can chat with and can encrouage you.

[Domique]

NANCY JIA you JIA you!

Best of Luck!

Good ovulation, Good Egg, Good Sperm!!

Originally Posted by nancy Guess I'm not alone too. My hubby and I only started to get intimate after hte delivery when we brought our baby to KL last dec when she was 6 mths old!! Imagine 6 months plus without a sex life for my hubby! ha ha.. but he never pressurized me during those 6 mths .. thank God! Hence maybe a short hols for the family can make the "atmosphere" better and hence kindle the "desire" again? I'm presently waiting for my last vaccine of Cervarix in end Feb so that I can "full gear" to make another baby after that. Hope that I will get pregnant again this yr and have a 2nd baby. Know it is going to be tough but better get it done with now cos I'm no longer young this yr!! sigh..

[diymummy]

Originally Posted by Domique hey diymummy, for me, alaric is one and i feel that he is draining more energy and making me more tired at the end of the day..... no partor for me.... his unstable walking and testing boundaries and no eating problems.... i must say it does affect me and hubby relationship. i cannot be sweet to him anymore but i become Oscar the grouch at the end of everyday!

Hey Domique mummy,

My boy sounds like yours (test boundaries, scream for attention and not interested in food).

I'm also Oscar the grouch each day when I am at home with him (I am currently working).

I'd like to think our phase of lives in our marriages is somewhat like the seasons. There're certain times where it's tough, harsh and cold. Other times fresh and gentle. We just gotta learn to ride through the tough times and await the spring to come.

You know.. I actually keep a list of things I wanna do with hubby if we're able to find the time. And sometimes when we take leave and leave baby at infant care, we would go through the list and see what we wanna do.

Try to keep the anticipation and fun alive. Jia you!!!

[woofy55]

i realised i hvnt look into this thread that i started it myself... hmm.. and looking thru the replies, its true we should have some couple time again. However, the thing is.. my hubby is a very "responsible" man. He find that Louis is our kid, we shouldn't bother our parents. And Louis is also not very easy to take care, he finds that it's very unfilial of us to throw louis to them while we go and enjoy ourselves. So, we will bring Louis along wherever we go. Actually, it's quite fun when 3 of us are out.. I love it!! But it's when Louis is cranky... and he will get stress.. and for me, I have to deal with 2 of their emotions instead of just 1. I have to keep pacifying my hubby... babies are like that one!!! they will cry, they not comfy they cry, they wanna burp they cry, they hot hey cry they want attention they cry!!!! So much so that, the pacifying is also much for myself to stay sane!

And everytime this happen, he will be worried how his mother is going to take care of Louis after I go back to work. cos his mother have his 5yrold niece to take care to bring to school, go marketing, cook.... etc. His father is not good at children, he doesn't know how to handle. So he will tell his mother that "she wont' be able to handle one, cos she got this this this this to do". So, everytime when louis is throwing his tantrums, my hubby will tell his mother... she won't be able to handle one..... and he also tell that to my parents who are also willing to take care of louis should his mother can't handle. I've told my hubby a million times. If they are willing to take care and they do it volunteerily, why not???? But he just cannnot cannot cannot cannot let go. He find it's very unfilial.

Today, this arguement started again.. this time i dont know why it became so bad. And final decision is for my parents to take care. But i really hate this kind of situation! Now relationship is bitter already... then how to face them next time??? Hubby told her over the phone that Louis is in one of his moods again, then i think the other side is asking him not to worry, babies are like that one... then he go n tell her... what if she take care and when she cannot take it - is she going to call him back home from his work?? aiyoh... then i think my mother in law very sensitive... she feels that hubby scolded her... etc.. dont know ... dont know what kind of situation we landed ourselves in. And i try to take over to explain to her that he is just being filial and worried that she'll be overtire etc... then she screamed and cry to me that she's very painful... what did she owe us to be treated this way...???? =.="'... WTH... anyway, things gets complicated.. hubby also furious.... mother in law also like that.... father in law took over the phone and tell me to leave things as it is... let my parents take care..

Fine ... i mean, my parents are more than willing to take care of Louis. But dont't make the situation until like that mah. sigh... but i find my hubby too responsible and he wanna take care of EVERYTHING himself, therefore making himself tooooo stressful. When louis is happy, he finds he is the best father in the world. But when Louis is in one of those mood, he told me he find that mother is still the best for Louis. I am very sad upon hearing that cos i find he's very good father. But he is too stressful. I dont't know how i can help him. And with his mother like that... sigh...

very fan ........................ to be fair - will it be better if louis go to infant care instead?? Or should I ignore my mother in law and send louis to my parents, since that's what they want. (But the thing is - they thought we did not't want them to take care!!!)... sigh... so complicated. why can't life be much simplier lei..........

[Ein]

Hi woofy55...

These kinda things involving old folks is EXTREMELY sensitive.
If you have the time, get your parents & your inlaws to sit down together for a simple talk. Nicely explain things to them about what is the current situation, what will be the future situation and what are your concerns (esp your hubby's). dont't let any misunderstanding be left unresolved if not things will get even worse if you dont't clear the air. Then there'll be no room for regrets.

But ultimately, parents will be parents. There's no such thing as "ge ye chou". Give them some time to cool down before you have this talk with them. Hopefully things will get better

Hang in there girl!!!

[woofy55]

Ein, you are right.. there's no ge ye chou.. hubby listened to me and gave in just now, called up his mom and tell her we will bring louis over and let her try for 1wk and see how... well if she gave up, then - bring to my parents i also won't be feeling so bad. hehe.. thanks..

Originally Posted by Ein Hi woofy55... These kinda things involving old folks is EXTREMELY sensitive. If you have the time, get your parents & your inlaws to sit down together for a simple talk. Nicely explain things to them about what is the current situation, what will be the future situation and what are your concerns (esp your hubby's). dont't let any misunderstanding be left unresolved if not things will get even worse if you dont't clear the air. Then there'll be no room for regrets. But ultimately, parents will be parents. There's no such thing as "ge ye chou". Give them some time to cool down before you have this talk with them. Hopefully things will get better Hang in there girl!!!

[Ting]

hmmm i think its normal for your hubby to feel that way.
cos im also like that.
when pin is happy n having fun, i feel very proud of myself. but when she is upset or something, i will feel like im sucha lousy mother.

sometimes when im out with my friends n put pin at home, she will feel so sad n tell me, n i feel really bad..
but my parents will tell me, just go out n enjoy, cos after a while pin will forget about it n contd to play her toys.

[woofy55]

aiyoh really very fan lei. I thought the conversation between hubby and mother in law has settled everything. But today hubby told me, louis is still going to my parents' place. i was like ... HUHHH.. simi?? i thot going there to test test 1 wk? sigh... human beings are so troublesome... and complicated. Already so many problems, why can't ppl be simplier.

My parents also not getting any younger, in fact they are older then my in laws. Last wk when I was recuperating at my parents home after my gall bladder removal opn.. I can see that althought my parents are very enthu.. their energy is really not there anymore . my mom feet pain, backache.. after bathing/changing louis, back also hard to straighten. my dad half retire.. so sometimes still need to run about.

Worst to worst, Louis will go infant care... but I just check out the rate, it's about $1.4k... additional expenses.

sigh.. very fan..

[wildcherry80]

Woofy, no offence but y does your hubby have such double standards - his parents cant take care of your kid but is ok to let your parents take care?
Afterall louis 's surname follows your husband's and not yours right?

I m also very fed up with my husband ever since i gave birth 2 mths ago.

[woofy55]

Originally Posted by wildcherry80 Woofy, no offence but y does your hubby have such double standards - his parents cant take care of your kid but is ok to let your parents take care? Afterall louis 's surname follows your husband's and not yours right? I m also very fed up with my husband ever since i gave birth 2 mths ago.

oh, long story loh. Cos during the 1st month - Louis already got sleeping issues.. and since then without my knowledge then, hubby is already warning my mother in law that she won't be able to handle one cos she got his 5yrs old niece to take care, cook, go market.. etc.. (hubby is like that one, he will see very far and the worst possible scenerio, while I always have hope for the best.. heee) ... and one day they were discussing about engaging nanny after my maternity leave and stay there 24hrs!! and bring back only on fridays so we have energy to work the next day.

I was like... HUHHH.. i thought you (mother in law) going to take care one.. how come suddenly talking about enaging nanny...! And deciding for me that Louis will stay there 24hrs until Fridays. Perhaps its well thought, but to me, is that time was too early to decide rite? Why discuss until really will happen. Louis sleep issue might improve one mah... why like that... then I buay song oredi loh.. so I discuss with my parents and they are willing to take care of Louis if bo bian no one take care. Though, my parents, esp my dad is very enthusiastic. But sometimes he need to work, although half retiring - so my mom will be left alone with him, but my mom leg is not very good now, so cannot walk or stand too long. And need to bath louis, walk louis to sleep... so, i think cannot loh... sigh... (last time my mom is a nanny - she is very experience, but now leg pain, backache.. how to take care of this high demanding kid of mine)

Then nvm... dont know what happened again (son and mother talk when he send her home, mother in law doing confinement for me, but only afternoon till evening) after that, mother in law say willing to take care of louis.. everything was like settled, happy.... until few days ago loh... cos louis is in one of this mood again, and now he need to carry to zzz... cannot sit down and pat.. must walk around. So seeing this situation, hubby warn my mother in law again.. then dont know what he talk and how she listen ... then things become like that now. sianz..