Try asking him to go marriage counselling?
This is a discussion on Scared and depressed and on the verge of divorce within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; I have not been speaking to my husband for a month. There's so many cold wars that I cannot recall ...
I have not been speaking to my husband for a month. There's so many cold wars that I cannot recall all the triggers that started them. All were small matters but were I believe were cumuation of many 心病 over the years. He would never think that he is in the fault and every time when he throws his temper, he would always expect me to apologise. He wants me to be submissive for my own good he says. We went to see my psychologist. Psychologist after talking to him for less than 15 mins said he is too prescriptive (I agreed and wonder why I can never pinpoint the issue budging me before), advised him to enjoy the joy of making decisions together and at times the aesthetic way. He interpreted it as let me go bang wall. I can never know when things are ok and when things are not. We "talk" but it's always one way - he would have his views and all mine are not valid.
I would have walked out of the marriage if not for my kid. I felt obligated to him to try to stay in the marriage. But I am breaking apart each day having to live like stranger - one that behaves more and more spitefully as the day pasts. Many a times I felt like just say sorry and behave like a pathetic soul and things will be ok. But it keeps coming back and I felt very mentally tortured. I am scared 'cos if divorce, I dont want to live one night without my kid by my side. I am scared also I dont know what he will do next. I keep harbouring the hopes that we'll be one happy family again but deep inside I know this is not going to happen. We do not have trust, I dare not share anything with him 'cos somehow it'll come back and bite me and all these feelings inside also do not make me feel like being intimate with him. What's left?
How to save? Can it be saved? I need to swallow and be meek again to seek forgiveness? At times, I just wish that the marriage fail 'cos of adultery or gambling which makes me decisive and not look back.
I am scared and depressed but not willing to share with anyone except to write anonymously here... and behaving like a happy fella. I think I am going to have split personality soon. What am I suppose to do now?
Try asking him to go marriage counselling?
Are you a working mum? Are you able to stand on your own feet? Do you have support? If the answers to the questions are yes. Then walk away. Do you think this is a happy and healthy family for your child to grow up in. I'm not for divorce. But I do not like men to treat women like dirt. A man has to treat his wife with respect. Yes, in some ways we may not be their equals but our thoughts and feelings are important as well. What's the point of holding on to someone when you have lost your dignity and self worth?
how is the cause of the cold war
cause? i dont even know where to start. one time 'cos I made a comment that the car be put into good use (he thinks it's my attitude prob). one time 'cos I said anywhere for dinner (he said i was pulling a long face). one time (more than once) 'cos I dont feel like having sex (I was not submissive?). all the times he wil give me cold shoulders or just walked away. and EVERYTIME i am the one to apologise and hear out his BIG reasons (with lots of past incidents to support his reasons) and outbursts. the last round we did not even talk for one month and he suddenly withdrew monies from our joint account without telling me. i got scared and retaliated. he told my kid that i stole his money and called me bitch. i could never forget the tears in my kid's eyes when he questioned me why i stole money. we patched up later 'cos it was a misunderstanding (he was transferring out to another acct to earn higher interest) but he told me whatever monies we have, most were not ours and I can't help feeling insecured at times. now i just dont't care about the monies. whenever i think things were fine (whenever he is loving and caring), something will trigger again and he will start giving me cold shoulders. I am SO SO SO SICK of it - I can't picture myself opening my mouth to initiate the talk with him again ... n he's behaving more and more spiteful each day banging things here and there and pretending happy and whistling. I felt like walking out of this house every day but what about my kid? At least he's behaving like a doting father with him. But I felt so mentally tortured and felt like screaming whenever I am home. The only thing that kept me sane is my kid. how long will this last?
Be a thermostat. Not a thermometer.
When you are so calm, composed, collected and competent, you will view every situation differently from previously. Your level of astuteness will increase, people will sit up and listen tight.
Sometimes, having a 'complete' family doesn't mean bringing happiness to your child. Imagine in a family, with parents not speaking, or some parents (like mine) asking the kids to be messenger, this is not happiness at all. Of coz no one should encourage a split up between couple, but i hope you can be clear-minded to think through it bah. Think for yourself, put yourself in your kid's shoes and think for him too. If you are him, would you want to see daddy always scolding or shouting at mummy?
irony is i can support both myself and kid.
thermostat? i wish but i can't be one. I think i tried to be by refusing to talk first and "plead wrong" ... he said i was trying to act tough.
i choose not to walk away 'cos i was hoping hope against hope that things will be normal again. i wish he will for once open his mouth and talk to me nicely FIRST instead of waiting for me to be submissive again to be "lashed". knowing him, that is never going to happen. i guess a broken mirror is a broken mirror ... i owe it to my kid to make it work but i dont know how long i can take it. he now refused to let me pull the blinds when I sleep. there's more ridiculous things to come from him. what's the last straw? i really dont't know ...
When one acts strong or pretend to be happy, one can get tired out.
When one is truly happy and at peace and not affected anymore by whatever negative things others say, people will realize and tire of their efforts to disrupt or hurt our peace. Just like a star that shines in adversity.
Easy to say, I know, I am also learning... At least we all get started somewhere!
I have been through a lot. A lot. I remind myself that God raised me up so I can stand on mountains, He raised me up to walk on stormy seas...
Google that, its an encouraging song too!
What I'm trying to say is that, you know what you want. You know if it can be salvaged or not. You know if you are in a verbally abusive marriage or not. You know best. But the question is that are you willing to take what it takes to make the marriage work and throw in the towel? If I were in your position, I would take whatever money that's rightfully mind, take my child, move back to my parents' place or a friend's place and tell him to change and if not, I'll file for separation. If you want the marriage to work, you have to be firm and say these are my rules too. If we both can't play be each other's rules then it's better to separate.
Agreed with noelsmum. If you want the marriage to work because you still love your husband, then you got to find a way to make it work like going for marriage council, let third party tell your husband what is wrong with his behaviour, being submissive is not the way, your husband will only have higher ego.
If you think you will be better off leaving him then do it, no point holding on... you will only put yourself into depression n unhappiness. How are you going to take care of your son and give him happy childhood when you r depressed n unhappy?
your husband obviously is not respecting you, do you want your kid to grow up like his dad?
i dont't think there is any love between both of you. Both of you are like enemny staing under the same roof. you better do something fast or he will posion your kids mind and they turned against you
not enemy, just invisibles. which one is worse?
my colleagues talk about their loving husbands and i felt like crying but has to pretend to smile.
i wanted to talk to a lawyer today but i buried myself in work and did not get to do it. i dont know if that was an excuse. i googled before and there are so many divource lawyers - mostly claimed experience. i kept telling myself i need to find a good one on standby before I "explode". i kept telling myself if i am more "prepared" i will be less scared.
he kept thinking he's the victim (with his mother fanning after him of course). he thinks that as long as a guy does not smoke, gamble and womanise, he is a good husband.
at times, i questioned if i am being irrational and this type of relationship trouble is "normal" and will passed?
at times, I cursed and wished him dead.
Looks like you are distressed over his behavior. Some people become vocal when they are frustrated, some become silent. Your husband may be second type. It is his pattern to show his anger pretending you are invisible. Make you angrier behaving he is carefree. Also like to criticize other people over trivial things. He is really immature. Me and my immediate elder brother used to fight like this when we were kid . Once we stopped talking for one year . I bet my mother was happy that time , no talking no fight. But he left us for ever 2 years ago at his early 30s. Miss him so much . Crying for him every day.
Why you dont try pace up another time as it would not make things worse than separation. Then when you are at your normal state talk to each other and take decision . No one can take right decision at depressed moments. You can write down all the things which make you unhappy and angry. Later can compare.
And if you really dont love him then better go separation. No point to carry a loveless relation. It is just my thought . We actually dont know what is going on .
Go for family counselling and mediation.
They should have a list of what is right and wrong behaviours. If else fails, split.
How about just charge him why he is behaving like this and not talking . Reason maybe you know . Just pretend you dont know . You want to know from him. No need to say sorry .At least try to melt the ice without losing your face.
Another thing is no point to compare your husband to others. Its not rational . Every one is different . You also not like your friend.
i honestly dont know know whether there is love - how to feel love when you r angry and depressed and into this whole mess?
we went for one counselling session but he came back with his own interpretation on the counsellor's advice and before we can go back, the cold war started again and i doubt he will want to go and I doubt it will work 'cos it needs to take 2 hands to clap.
marched to him and asked him? i tried that one last time. he refused to talk and ignored me, pretending to read his book. i got so worked up that i snatched his book and threw it and he claimed I assaulted him. other times even when he does talk, he will raise his voice n still expecting me to admit wrong. somehow ended up i am always in the wrong. i just cannot "out-talk" him - i can't even remember what happened when he brought back past incidences "against" me. i will just clamped up. it will not be back to normal until he hears that i am sorry and needs to change. then he says i dont mean it on my sorry. then he says my sorry doesn't mean anything. but whenever ask what i need to do - he will come back to same point - be submissive and rememeber the "promises" ... i cant even count how many rounds i've been through that ...
i am such a failure.
Then dont say sorry or make any promises . Looks like he is an argumentative person and you are opposite . He certainly enjoys his mental game over you . How about you just continue to talk with him whether he responses or not. Totally ignore his mental game . Pretending nothing happen . Just like what eat , where to eat or talking about your kid . Few days later when things become little bit cooler then tell him if things going like that you will have no choice but go for separation . You try your best , you cant live like that .
I am in a similar position as you! My hubby always always makes me say sorry even though at times when we quarrel is not my fault. Countless times I say sorry he will also say I dont't mean what I am saying. An when I say sorry to him when we quarrel, he makes sure I say exactly the same words: "sorry Dear, its my fault and I won't do it again." and he also tells me better watch my attitude and listen to him and never tells him what to do...
I am also thinking of divoxrcing him (this is not the only reason, his mother is also a problem between us and i really cant stand her shitface) but we have a 6 mo baby....I really worry he will take custody of my daughter if I divorce...I love my baby so much that I cannot lose her really...
So to make myself feel better I listen to him and adjust to his expectations. Give him whatever he requests for but at the same time try to remind him that we have not quarreled for how many days and we should keep it that way... Sometimes when we discuss stuff he will suddenly flare up and scold me say that I am rude to him bla bla bla and ask me to apologize to him. So now I use the tactic of talking softly to him and tell him nicely that I was not meant to be rude and just creating a discussion here. I want ye discussion to b fruitful and not an argumentative one. I realize something after a few times that if I watch my words and speak to him calmly and nicely, he doesn't flare up as easily.... Of course there are times when I thought things are better, then shit happens again! Then I remin myself to b calm and talk to him nicely...
No one knows how ridiculous he is coz ppl thinks he is a mr nice guy and I am the fierce wife ESP in front of his family. But the fact is that he even restricts me visiting my own family!!!!
But when he is nice to me, he is really nice..... It's always a Dillemma and I am still learning how to handle ppl like him.
For you, I would suggest why not you try my method. Be nice to him and talk to him nicely. If he reads a book and ignores you, tell him nicely to put down for a min and Talk to him nicely. I must admit sometimes I do talk a bit loudly when I get worked up. But who doesn't when you are unhappy rite... But for the sake of your child and some sanity for yourself, try that.... I actually felt better using this technique and so far (keeping fingers crossed) he is behaving quite normally. (no shouting or throwing tantrums at me)
Trick is control your temper n b a little submissive. N see if you can use these 2 techniques to have a good conversation w him.... For eg, he wants me to accompany him after he returns from work and leave baby in the room, I will make baby sleep first and Acc him in livin room after. No point fighting back coz it will just lead to a quarrel and then you got to apologize again. Isn't that too tiring? I read online that husbands like wives to be submissive and acknowledge their effort at work! Talk to them nicely like how you would talk to your friends!
I am a working mum too and am able to support myself and baby. But I just keep thinking it isn't fair for her if I just give up the marriage like that.
Yes you r right that a man cannot treat his wife this way and I too know that I shouldnt create a more egoistic person in my life. But if that keeps everyone happy, I am willing to do it. I cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking why do I have to b in this shit.... But when I think of his good, for eg, agree w me to stay apart from his parents, or hire a domestic helper to relieve my duties at home, makes an effort to bring family out on days he doesn't work. I feel happy.
dont't lose hope and dont't think you r a loser coz there are people like us out there or in much worse situation than us. Try your best ok! Jia you coz I am in the same boat as you and I am hanging there too! I still have mother in law issues to deal with!
am trying but not coping too well. mother in law? am trying to exclude her in our " fights" but alas she had been staring at me n givg me cold shoulders too. did i say she stays w us? ... Now my clamp up mechanism worked again n refused to go the motion of greeting her n of couse effectively i had started anthr cold war in the same roof.
I hope you sort the root cause out as early as you can when you n hubby can talk no
discuss thgs amicably. I was usg your approach for many yrs n you will find it harder n
harder cos not your natural self n starts bottling up. I happy when thgs r " normal" n refused to ack the underlying issue n now ..... More than 2 mths not talkg n will
continue cos he will not n never be the one that starts the talk when in arguments n
it was not an argument in the 1st place...
That sounds so familiar. I choose my words carefully now when I talk to him. Coz he also made me realize some things... If I can b polite and nice to my friends, why can't I speak nicely to him....Sometimes I was asked to slap myself too in order for him to forgive me for being 'rude'! Other times he will threaten to divorce and I was really on ye verge of saying yes to him!
Now that we have a baby, it makes thins more difficult.... I dont't regret my decision... I know I have to stick w it do I m trying my means to make everyone happy.
mother in law is another issue. It's such a pain to have her under your roof. And yes I know very well how the clamp up mechanism works! Coz I am practicing that too! I refuse to meet her unless my hubby says we have to meet. I used to treat her very nice but I really regretted doing it coz she nb appreciates. So now I dont't bother to do anything for her.
How many years have you been trying to make everyone happy? For me... It's 7 years of dating and 10 months of marriage. I rem when I was pregnant, he made me kneel down to say sorry to him too. And he pushed me when I told him it was his issue of ange management. But I dont know why I just sucked it up and forgive him...
I believe your husband just likes to feel that he is in control and has the power in the marriage, so instead of going head on against him, how about trying the soft approach?
I am not saying that you have to be submissive.
Carabella has a couple of good ideas. If "hard" one dont't work, then go "soft." Talk to him nicely. I know it is hard, but perhaps when he is angry, ask him if he is done scolding you? If he is done, then just smile at him and tell him "I love you." or just smile and walk away. He will be wondering how come he scolded you but you still look so happy? This is like a technique to bring him out of what he expects. Instead of showing that you are upset when he scold you, change and smile at him.
More inspirations for mothers like you at MeaningfulMotherhood
I read online too that the tone speakibg to hubby is very impt. I know sometimes it can b hard to do it coz you r already not happy w him but then if you think big picture ( also to convince my hubby that I can nb stay w his parents) I have to do that! For the sake of my dearest daughter too! I mean ppl may think or view that we are lying to ourselves but think again, if we are prepared to marry this guy, it means that he has some qualities that we are attracted to. If not why bother falling in love w him in the first place... Root cause can't be solved for me coz it's really my hubby's ego that needs to be toned down. If I keep pointing fingers at him that all was his fault , we will End up quarreling more.... So to put a stop, I try other ways.
Sometimes I cook special dishes for him hoping he will like it but. To my disappointment he will criticize the dish n makes me sad. So initially I quarreled w him n told him that he doesn't appreciate. We ended up quarreling again. He says that I am very narrow minded and not open to suggestions. So I got tired of quarreling and now I change tactic. Whenever he says not nice, I ask him to gve constructive feedback. How should I cook and all, then I improve the next time -and guess what... He praised me the next time.... So things have slightly improved after I consciously remind myself to speak to him nicely.
I know you have been trying many years already. Probably you are also tired of trying to make him happy coz you are immune to it, to the treatment and his abrupt behavior. I too, was like that. He even pissed me off when it's so late at night and he wanted to get intimate. I am still breast feeding my baby so it's really tiring. When I reject him he threw tantrums and scold me for not being a wife. Only a mother to the child. I was so hurt but telling him there and then makes it worse. He say I am acting pitiful when I explain thins to him and he will start to hurl vulgarities at me.
So I am sick an tired of these (plus I dont't want to scare my dear daughter) I fave in. Everytime he wants to get intimate, I agree. Then these few weeks I relative he doesn't want it so often anymore....
And some day he even sleeps earlier than me! Giving myself some me time!!!
Lot85, I know is hard an I totally understand how you feel. Tired and lost hope. But if you can persist on, instea of showing sulky face, be more proactive. He might just be surprised w your reaction and positive attitude towards him. Things may not change overnight , surely takes time. So you should try and see how things go if you are willing to try again!
I am still learning and practising too! Jiayou!