This is a discussion on Unstable relationship with wife within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; Originally Posted by Edwinie it's fate that brings man and woman together. it's up to you to cherish. just remember ...
i dont't know what is the situation like, so i can't comment much.
you mention that your wife will 'nag' and then you will lose your temper. i understand this with my dad. both of us are very headstrong. sometimes, i talk to him about things to improve or do better, we can quarrel already. is it a character clash problem? if yes, you are in a better position to control. first time will be hard. just let yourself be her 'punching bag'. if both quarrel, it's like adding firewoods to the explosion. tolerate her a bit more! give yourself a target of 1 week. then you see whether your change in approach make the situation better. sometimes, have to grit your teeth through her outburst, but i think it is worth it. From you coming to the forum means that you have the determination to salvage the situation. so i believe you can do it.
trial and error. try all the different methods. do all that you can. dont't let the word 'divorce' come into your mind at all.
maybe you can take leave one day, ask your wife to rest. prepare a few recipes the day before, go supermarket get the ingredients. make nice breakfast, lunch and dinner. do some simple housework. take care of your child. i think that can be a very sweet thing to do. dont't have to do the tedious ones. just show some action... just a suggestion. =)
Being strong in character doesn't mean that she can't fall into depression, sometimes we can get very overwhelmed by things around us especially when we are new parents.
Hubby and I argued a lot of times during this past year, especially when we just moved back to my in-laws place after my confinement. Until that he even felt that I should just bring baby back to my parents' place to stay instead.
I am a stay at home mum, and yes although mealtimes can be quite difficult sometimes with a baby, but its a matter of finding a schedule with the baby, maybe both of you can eat dinner together with your child, show your wife that it's possible to eat with him/her as well. Maybe try to bring wife and baby out and while she's in a good mood, try to talk to her, dont't lose your temper.
Spending the whole day with baby and sometimes you might just want a proper conversation with another adult and/or some personal time to yourself to do your own things, maybe that's why she became so demanding? It's not easy, but both need to work things out together.
Perhaps you both can consider engaging part time cleaner, many local aunties providing these services be it once a week or bi- mOnthly.
Try rotating the job that your wife does, instead of 24x7 revolving around your kid, n you on household. Perhaps she can have a break away from kiddo while you take care.
Wow ts you're seriously a good husband.. My husband is a gaming freak.. His eyes are glued to the screen. When I tell him to look after the baby when I'm not free, ya he really look after.. He use his eyes and look at the baby for few secs and back to his game again leaving the baby on the bed crying.. I told him to help carry the baby. Ya he really carry, he carry to his mum zzz.. dont't worry ts.. You're already very good.. Thumbs up for you.. Jia you~
I think you should try talking to your wife and sounding her out. When she loses her temper maybe you can get her to calm down. Then ask her why she is angry. Try to reason it out with her and it might change the situation. Sometimes when we are angry, a lot of emotions go flying around and we lose control of ourselves and the situation. Since there is a possibility that she might be suffering from post-natal depression coupled with the stress with the baby, she might find it useful to talk thru her emotions with someone.
You might also want to set up "rules". For example, my hubby and I, we have a "rule" that we won't go to bed angry with one another. So we will always talk it thru. Initially such talk sessions can go into blaming sessions but that's how we learn to communicate with one another better. The less angry person must always try to take control of the situation.
I agree with noelsmum that there's no such thing as losing more or less. It's a partnership and you learn to work with and around each other's strengths and weaknesses. You learn to love each other more and in that itself you learn to be considerate to people around you as well. Now you may feel that you're "losing" by giving in... We all have times of need. Now she has, maybe next time you might have.
Your sian-ness is valid. We are not invalidating your feelings but more encouraging you to hang on and try to find a way to work things out. Yes it would need work and it can get painful. But it's all for a better end.
Sorry to hear about your predicament.. but most of the time it takes 2 hands to clap. Maybe you're missing out on some of her "messages" that she is trying to relay during her quarrels with you while you are broading about how "unthinkable" your life is with her.
Try to think about what she says and maybe you'll be enlightened and understand your wife better.
Here are some FREE Resources that may help you better understand what your wife is going through. Cheers!
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thank you mummies for the advice & encouragement. Been busy away from the forum because of the election & family matter
will take each step one at a time...never know what will happened next with e weekend coming.
will keep everyone update.
Go for counselling man. Can be suffering. Perhaps, every weekend go out to zoo, etc..
Staying at home too much is not a good thing.
If she can get a better pay, ask her to work and get a maid. Let the in-law supervise.
I hope it is a passing phase for you, cos from the way you described your situation, my hubby is like you and I'm almost like your wife! (except for the cleanliness freak part)
I'm also a stay at home mum and 1st time parents. Ya, sometimes the baby gets to me and I will channel that bad energy to my hubby, often ending in quarrels. But talking has really helped. So try to talk to your wife. Maybe when your wife is angry over nothing, just give her a surprise attack by planting a kiss on her cheeks! Might work better than to start a fight with her?
And, just accept that mothers tend to be a bit protective(in whatever ways possible) when it comes to kids. They always think they have the best methods, best solutions etc when it comes to kids. You know, I have to admit, even when my hubby gave me some suggestions which I will immediately write him off, only to find myself using his method and claiming it as mine! SO relax... Think of your lovely baby... Ya.
You've got to try to hang on... Yr wifey's too tired I guess... Any parents or in-laws who can help take care of baby for an hour? Then both of you take a break, have a walk or meal outside before going home taking care of baby? Heh heh when I just gave birth, I was always looking forward my parents to help take over to look after baby, so I can zzz in the day... So I guess it's similar case... Just that both of you are overloaded... Yr wife overloaded with baby n you with work... Have a nice chat with her... Let her know that you love her n baby... As for housework, how about getting part timers to clean up the house once a week? I think it'll help yr family house hold chores...
yup. part time maid does help.
Everything changes after the baby is born. Afterall still have to adapt to a different lifestyles & environment and experience many setback & unhappiness along the way. No parental support for the past 1.5years, so it is defintely a burn out for my wife and whatever problem she face & suffered will be channel onto me. No maid as well because my wife want privacy and it will cause her more inconvenience to look after the maid instead. Send to childcare cannot, stay at home also cannot.....sigh
Last edited by wanderful; 17-06-2011 at 11:45 AM.
Hi Wanderful, I hope things work out between you and your wife. Communication is key, and dont't let misgivings fester.
I found myself in your position (tables turned). After the birth of my son, my husband seemed to become almost "psychotic". He's a family man like you are, but he suddenly went to an extreme. Insisted that I must do this and that for my child, quarreled with me when I dont't meet his "standard", got angry when I watch TV or go out with my friends etc. Even my mum is afraid to come over to our place because he expects the same out of her.
Despite the problems, I usually let him have his way..and tried very hard to do what he expects me to do. But as time went on (my boy is 3 yrs old now), whatever passion that was in my marriage has faded. He doesn't want to spend time alone together e.g. go watch a movie by ourselves, coz he doesn't want to leave our kid alone with grandparents. Says that our boy will "feel very sad". Sigh. So I end up taking leave from work, and just go shopping by myself to unwind. Because of all the constant stress I get from him, I'm really not interested in physical intimacy. And as a result, he gets even angrier with him, and is now starting to accuse me of being interested in other men.
So now, we are on the brink of divorce. He has moved out and took back all the gifts he gave me. Sigh. This actually happened a few times over the last yr already. We made up previously, but each time it happens, the relationship suffers another blow. Now, I really have no more energy to deal with him anymore. He has refused to go for counseling when I suggested that. In a way, I'm actually happier to be alone without him, but will have to prepare myself to face the challenges of being a single mum.
What actually was a manageable problem between us somehow exploded into this present scenario. So I really suggest that you try and communicate with your wife as early as possible in whatever fashion...and discuss your frustrations with each other as early as possible.
nah... can't be coming to my side. Am not psycho. lol.
Go for family counselling. Seek second opinions also.
Hi wanderful,I'm a stay hm mom of 2, a 2yr old n 6weeks.. I think I can feel what your wife is going thru.. Too much stress/tiredness from taking care of the baby(sole caregiver) 24/7 n being over protective as its 1st baby.. I was having alot of that too,as a short tempered person,after my 1st was born,I blew up almost at everything.. It wasn't easy to get pass that stage for me,going thru it now again as I have to handle a toddler n a 6weeks now.. Try get help,family or friends,get her hands out of the baby,get her to go out shopping to relax.. For me I was dying to go out so much as it was so getting on my nerves but can't do so as baby got no1 2 take care.. what I did was bring the baby out too(on a stroller),it still pretty much alone private time as baby wont be disturbing always.. But now I can't due to my notti toddler running about.. If she dun1 2 go out alone with baby,bring her out for dinner (with or w/o baby) n just do some walking/shopping before/after meal..
Let her know you understand it's hard on her at current moment n ask to let her go out enjoy..maybe a shopping trip, facial or a Manicure,something she likes n enjoy.. It's not always have to be about the baby.. Maybe she feels depressed about herself after child birth as body gets out of shape n stuff.. dont let her feel that you r bothered by her outer looks which is different frm before pregnancy..
Try putting your baby to childcare,I gave myself a valid excuse to get away from my son ASAP(thinking of next month or next year he turn 3).childcare can go at any age.There r many good reasons to put your kid in early,they learn things faster n it's better for their growing up(socialize with other kids),try tell that to your wife to ease her mind off of worrying too much(over protective of kid)..say it's for the kid's wellness.. your wife has been putting baby in her center of the world n can't get out of the stress.. dont give up,having a family isn't easy but it doesn't mean both of you have to change so much to adapt to the baby.. Me n my hubby like to play online games,we will carry our kids on lap n play along with them while playing game.. It's not that hard to include your new family addition into your lifestyle,let her know that,both of you need to relax yourself already..