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Wanted Some Opinions on this!

This is a discussion on Wanted Some Opinions on this! within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; Hi all, Just want to hear some opinions with regards to the following: I’m a new mommy who has just ...

  1. #1
    Female Attendant
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
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    Wanted Some Opinions on this!

    Hi all,

    Just want to hear some opinions with regards to the following:

    I’m a new mommy who has just given birth last July and with the arrival of our little one, finances have been a little more strained for us but overall, it was still manageable so far. Take for example, we used to be able to save $2K per month in our joint account but now, the savings have been much reduced to about $1.2K per month. Though my husb earns more than I do (about $1.5K more), I can usually save more than him because he has more liabilities due to financing our car and giving a considerable amount of his salary to his parents. However, I guess due to a man’s pride, he wanted equal contribution of savings to our acct even though I told him I can save more. As I am not forking out $$ to help in our car instalment, I told him that I will be responsible for most of the baby items like milk powder, basic necessities and the annual premium (~$2.7K) for our baby’s insurance. I can see that he is grateful that I am not very calculative with him over such money.

    My husb is generally a very good father. He will bathe our baby everyday (and I think he does a better job than I do) and pat him to sleep every night. He will do almost anything a mother will do like helping me with the milk feeds, washing and sterilising milk bottles, wash and fold baby’s clothes and change baby’s soiled diapers – though he really hated to change poo-ed diapers and will usually call me if I’m around! He is also a good husb as he will occasionally pamper me with some stuff that I wanted to buy but couldn’t bear to part with the $$$, will take care of my meals most of the time when we go out together and fetch me from friends’ gatherings if I stayed out late at nights. All the small gestures from him made me feel appreciated.

    However, one thing that I dont’t like about him is his temper! It can be so bad that sometimes, I feel I regretted marrying him! We loved children and had planned for our baby right after our marriage. Thus, everything has been nicely paved for our baby’s arrival. I guess being a new parent, my husb didn’t expect the fatherly duties to be so overwhelming! We didn’t have much help from our parents and hence, our baby was put in the infant care at just 2 months and every day for us, it has been very routined. In the morning, we got up much earlier to prepare our baby for infant care and in the evening, we have to rush home by 7pm to pick him up. After that, we got to take care of baby throughout the nite as well. There were no other after-work activities for us during weekdays. After some time, we kind of felt a little tired. My husb will still continue to be my best assistance, staying at home with me to look after our baby. He is the type who hates to have his sleep disturbed or interrupted and thus, there was once when our baby was a little cranky and refused to sleep throughout the day (he was teething!), this has tested my husb patience. He finally erupted and was behaving like a madman, throwing and kicking things around, till it kind of scared our baby who went on to cry even louder. Sometimes I got so worried that he shakes the baby so hard in an attempt to make him sleep. I broke down too after seeing him behaving as such and he said he wanted a divorce out of a sudden. I knew from the bottom of my heart he doesn’t mean it at all as I knew when he couldn’t control his temper, he will say all sorts of rubbish, especially when he lacked of sleep. After a while, he managed to calm down but he didn’t apologise also. He just hugged and patted me, who was carrying our baby in my arms. I forgave him for his moment of anger but deep in my heart, the word “divorce” still lingers on. I told him that: “Once glasses are broken, they will leave a permanent crack no matter how hard you try to fix or have them mended”. Cos to me, no matter what we have done, I still think that the word “divorce” is a forbidden word for a couple. A simple word as such will hurt and strain a relationship so much.

    Anyway, enough of the story. Need to hear opinions on the following situation. As I’m a very down-to-earth person, I dont’t spend much pampering myself and thus, have accumulated some savings over the 5 years that I’ve been working. Now that our house is arriving probably in the 3rd quarter of this year and as our joint acct prob have $ just enough to cover for the furniture, we may have to take renovation loan to tide us through. The question now for me is whether should I fork out some of my personal $$ first, so that we won’t have to take too huge an amount for the reno loan. Some of my gal friends said that I’m silly if I do that, for woman must always keep some personal savings on her own. She also told me that if she is me, she wouldn’t even have fork out her own $$ to pay for baby expenses and felt that all these should have come from the joint acct. Though even if I fork out some of my personal $$ first, I would not fork out everything cos I still need to pay for my own insurance, etc. However, I am still thinking whether if I should do that, though my husb is against the idea of using my $$ first but if I insisted, he may prob just agree as well cos afterall, it would mean we dont’t have to loan for too many years. What’s holding me back is after some of the bad-tempered incidents, I am pondering whether if it is worth for me to do that…so…hmmm..

    Thus, I just want to hear some opinions on this…would like to hear from both daddies and mommies out there if possible cos I know guy and gals may have different views on this!

    Many thanks!

  2. #2
    Female Attendant
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
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    Re: Wanted Some Opinions on this!

    Dear TS , overall i think your hubby is a good man .
    Sometimes we can get so frustrate by the baby that we tend to do things out of the normal us but should not vent it on the baby.
    So please ensure your hubby do not shake the baby too hard as there is something call the shaken baby syndrome .

    For the personal saving , your friend is right . Woman should have some personal saving incase of "D" -at least this is how i feel .
    But then i fork half of the renovation and my hubby also fork out half . Everything 50% each so that we do not need to take the loan
    In your case , it seems that taking the loan is a "must", only the length of the loan will varies depend if you are taking out your personal saving .
    My question is who is going to pay for the loan ? You or your hubby ? If share half-half , then take the loan and keep your personal saving for raining day .

    Also regarding the baby expenses , me and my hubby share 50% each for the nanny . The rest like milk powder , diapers etc - depend who free who buy .
    Never touch joint account for such trival things .

    Also , please do talk to your hubby regarding his outburst and the "D" word he mentioned. Tell him how you felt about the epsiode . Work things out . Communicate is the key .
    It is easy to get marry and divorce but the hard part is to maintain the marriage.

  3. #3
    Moderator diymummy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
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    Re: Wanted Some Opinions on this!

    Hi supergal,

    I agree that your hubby is a good man but I also agree with your that most probably your husband is very very sleep deprived and therefore he is bad tempered. So to help your hubby out, I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea to take turns tending to the baby at night. My baby was also put in an infant care so I can understand your routine. For us, it's really no life after work as well. It is just baby baby baby. We also didn't get much help from my parents or in-laws so we were also on our own. I was also breastfeeding and my schedule was 5am first feed, then go to infant care at 7.30am, then come home 8pm feed again then 11pm the last feed. So for the 11pm milk, my hubby will bottle feed and I will do the 5am feed. This way, my hubby and I dont't sleep and wake up at the same time. But this arrangement is not permanent. It changes especially when your baby starts solids and the routine will keep changing as your baby grows.

    On weekends we will catch up on sleep. We hired a part time helper and when our baby sleeps, we slept as well. It was really no life and now that my baby is 2 yrs old, we got a little bit of life back. My husband can go to the gym again and I can also go out on some weeknights with friends. The road ahead with your baby is gonna be long but you will get the hang of it. The first 6 mths of the child's life is probably most challenging, at least for me.

    As for money, I dont't have personal savings. We have 2 joint accounts which we save into. We dont't really say who should save how much but for us, we set a goal to save. Eg, we wanna hit $x by end of the year so we will keep putting money in. When we did our reno for our first home, we used our joint account. When we bought our car, we also used our joint account for the deposit. I think this way it becomes kind of like a challenge and a common goal we as a couple can work towards.

    I know you feel very sad when he loses his temper especially when he says the "D" word... But try not to focus too much on it as it will drain you out emotionally. Try to create new goals for him and yourself as a couple and work towards it.

  4. #4
    Imperial Concubine
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Geylang Bahru
    Rep Power

    Re: Wanted Some Opinions on this!

    Hi supergal, I think you better take a renovation loan and used up all your cash. You see, now the interest rate so low, though there is speculation that it may go up, but it still low. Imagine, if you used up all your cash, later you need money for any emergency, its not easy to borrow.

    However, if I not wrong, bank borrow quite easily (if meet criteria) and the rate low (compared to credit card charges). So must well make use of the renovation loan and keep the money for later use. If in the end, you need not use the extra cash, the extra interest you pay for the loan, just take it to be "insurance" for the "just in case"

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