I might be wrong, but it sounds like baby blues?
This is a discussion on What is wrong with her? within the Home Life, Relationships & Finance forum, part of the You and Your Family category; Hi, I'm not entirely sure I'll get any response from the forum community here but hopefully I can. My wife ...
Hi, I'm not entirely sure I'll get any response from the forum community here but hopefully I can.
My wife recently gave birth to my cute baby boy. He is really something I've to say. Can't believe what a simpleton he can make me. Unfortunately, things are not going well between me and my wife. It seems to have started right after she came back from the hospital. She became very argumentative, always finding fault and criticising me. Not sure why this is happening. She was doing great when she was still pregnant but after giving birth I dont't know what hit her. Some examples which left my head spinning!
1. Saying that I am money faced because I've started saving for the baby's education and putting money into his Mighty Saver's Account or something like. When I said what the hell, she said something like I saved too much and blah blah blah and the reason is because I am money faced!
2. Giving me the "eye" for picking up the baby when he started crying at night. I picked him up because I couldn't stand seeing him cry. Pitiful! She just sit there and didn't do anything. When I feed the baby and ask her to turn on the TV. My god. All hell broke loose. But kudos to Usain Bolt.
3. And did I say the mother-in-law is the confinement lady? She and my wife always gang up and make fun of me on the way I hold the baby, the way I feed him, try to burp him and change his diaper. At least I'm learning. My wife doesn't even bother to learn all these!
4. When I came back from work, I didn't smile at them! WTF?!
5. Criticised for caring too much about how much the baby is drinking, on stocking up on formula, on sterilising the bottles, on keeping enough both warm and room temperature water, on keeping the floor dust free, on the need to call the doctor for rashes, blocked nose, on buying new bottles for the baby, on asking whether the baby should drink a bit of water so that his mouth is not that dry, etc, etc.
6. And the best. Just this morning, I was been criticised for the way I clean the house and the bathrooms. Too clean she says. Her mother-in-law joined in the fun. Saying that if I continue cleaning I'll get obsessive compulsive disorder. I've been doing this for years even before I met her like what 10 years ago?! Didn't even ask her to use a broom or mop all these years! I clean the house all the time and I didn't even tell her to do anything! I really find this really really insulting. I understand they have one weird auntie who is OCD but she is mad. I am not!!!
I dont't know man. This is all I can think of. This morning's incident really floored me. It became ugly and there was a shouting match much to the chagrin of my in-laws. Fireworks and everything. I was thinking maybe she got post-natal or something. But no man. She's okay and she's going back to work end of this month. I do not dare to imagine what will happen then. Taking care of the baby and working is really hard work. I found that out first hand. But really why the change all of the sudden? I just remembered that she even has issues with me keeping the kitchen basin clean! I really have no idea what is going on. Just five minutes ago I was reading about separation and divorce procedures.
Am I going nuts?!!! I thought I am doing fine as a husband and father. Come to think about it. Every insult, criticism and anything from her on has always something to do with the illogical concept that I am a bad and terrible father. Oh man. This is sick.
Looking forward to some suggestions on tackling this or at least keep my sanity.
I might be wrong, but it sounds like baby blues?
Oh dear!! Pete really pity you..yes its definitely post natal blues. Please dont't rush for separation, give her time ignore them when they passed such comments. Think of your child. Hopefully after your mother in law move out things will change. Take time off from the baby. Date her out and talk..
Ya Pete, remember your wedding vow!!
I guess with a new baby she is overwhelmed n plus going back to work. N perhaps she knows you r very good tempered n that's y she vent her stress on you. Think of the good times you have with her. N pls talk. Maybe one day put your baby with your in laws n have a good talk with her on what's happening.
I think your wife is jealous of you caring too much for the baby. She feel that she's not that important to you anymore so maybe that's why shes picking on you.
you need to have a serious talk with her.
Guess your wife might be having post natal blues and she might be jealous of her own baby.. after all you r now dividing your love between her n the baby .. dont rush thru all these .. talk to her and a big hug might do the tricks
Her behaviour is normal. Post Natal Depression? dont't take it to heart. give it some time and patience. The phase will pass. Only when after a few months.. she dont calm down.. then perhaps it's time to raise the red flag.
I was like that (like your wife) in the first two months after I gave birth to my first baby too. Not the same examples as yours, but definitely picking on my hubby for every single thing he does, just dont see eye to eye with everything he did/did not do... To the extend I even regretted having my son.
But after we both get the hang of becoming parents, we are back to loving couple again. Please give your wife some time. You dont't know what hell we women went through in this 10months man!! The blue will go away one!! Tahan...!!!
Wow. Thanks for all the responses. Appreciate it really.
I'm not entirely sure whether it's post baby blues. She seems fine to me. But she has always been throwing all these weird stuff (insults, criticisms, etc.) at me even before she was pregnant. Now it's just at another level. I remembered in the past I was been picked on by her with her friends because I am too fair, save too much, jog too much and not a fan of spicy food (this one happens on the dinner table if the in-laws are around especially). Come to think about it. What?!!!
We've been together for nearly 10 years already and she is older than me by a good 7 years. Forgive my naivety but doesn't that translate to a mature mind? Nonetheless, time and time again this kind of things happened. And many times she drove me up the wall. There was even darker times when I feel like doing something stupid. And yes time and time again I told her we need some serious talks to settle all these outstanding issues. But it always ended up ugly. And her responses remind me of a ping pong match with all the volley shots. I gave up the prospect of talking to her entirely. I do not even dare to discuss with her on juggling work and baby because she will snapped back at me saying that I want her to quit her job! What the hell man. And contrary to what it sounds, I'm not that even tempered. But I always give in to her in the end.
Anyway, I'm feeling loss, irritated, disappointed, whatever that is unpleasant. What is sickening is that each time she has such episodes (baby or no baby) she chose to ignore the whole thing after the heated argument ended and acted as if nothing happened. No follow up or whatsoever. I just have to suck it up. I know I am a guy and not supposed to whine over these kind of things. But this one month, I feel the whole world has came crashing down at me. Maybe I'm reaching a boiling point. I tried to keep all these nonsense out of my mind by going for a jog or reading a book or just work. I've never enjoyed working so much. But I always feel this injustice creeping up and this past week and probably next week I dread the idea of going home to see her and the in-laws. But I want to see my baby. How in the world is it possible that she can pick on me cleaning the house! That is just ridiculous! It's like doing a good job but got fired by the boss.
I guess I have to give this a shot for the boy. I remembered hearing it somewhere but you dont't just love your child but fall in love with them.
This is quite long. Thanks your time reading this.
Hi Bro Pete,
I have a friend whom had the same experiences as much as you do and they ended up divorce. I am not suggesting you to divorce but I believe both of you should contact a professional counselor for help.
Based on what you have posted, you are a great father and husband!
All the best
You seem to have much to pick on your wife in your 2nd post huh. Look at what you said at first.... 'she was doing great when she was still pregnant...' Make up your mind man.
If all these happened after she was pregnant, then likely its post natal depression. I went through similar things with my hubbs for about a full 4.5 mths before everything calm down. I feel its unexplanable for my behaviour, but definitely not excusable. Anyway, its really strange, the whole thing just died down quickly. And for me, going back to work really helped. Previously, on my M leave, I was the one taking care of my baby myself in e day and Im all alone at home. No one to talk to and i felt all i do was just washing/changing nappies, feeding, cleaning bottles. The mundane-ness really drove me nuts. Could b e same for your wife too cos her freedom is suddenly takrn away. No matter how old she is, having a baby is def a huge change in her life.
Same for you. You are definitely under appreciated. Maybe your wife doesnt say it, but im sure certain things you do makes her feel very lucky to have you. about you cleaning the house and getting snapped at...she prob feels shes not getting enough attention from you. I did something as unreasonable as well, and all i wanted was just to have my hubbs right beside me instead of doing something else.
Last but not least, if anyone is in the wrong,its most likely your mother in law. The last thing she should b doing is to egg your wife on to criticise you. But that, only your wife can handle her mum. So, good luck!
One more thing, you cld try giving your wife a kiss once you reach home before you touch your son. As selfish as it may sound, this really worked for me.
Last edited by Shanelle; 12-08-2012 at 07:03 AM.
I also like her when I just gave birth. Very fussy and vulnerable but hot as well.
i sack my confinement lady on the third week just beoz I dont like her.
It was all the hormones. Will be fine after she clear all the rising hormones. Her body use 10 month to prepare for the baby. Just endure for another 1 month or 2 for her body & emotion to go back to her usual self.
you really sounds like my brother in law!!! cuz my mother in law also did confinement for my sister In law and i tell you, the whole family dont like my brother in law, whatever he did, think or say, family also dont like, even his wife. well that bcuz his thinking is really childish... anyway, this kind of problem is common as you can read, some of the mothers here will have some problem after the baby is born, me too. My mother in law also did my confinement and i am always quarreling with my husband about mother in law. All problem started when my son is born too. it took me a good 10 mths to 看开！ Really see thru cuz i do not want to risk my marriage just bcuz of mother in law issue, it is not worth. Even tho my mother in law is doing confinement for me, that whole 4 month, i am taking care of my son myself (except for night feed in the 1st month) Alone in house whole day, listen to baby cried, do house work... i am going insane! but when i came back to work, i am happier but of course when back home, my temper is back.
like many advice, give yr wife some time, i believe when she is back to work, she will be better.
i cannot sit down and talk to my husband, cuz whenever problem is about his mother, he will not listen. What i did is wrote email on all the problem to him and he appreciate me writting to him, cuz only then he can fully digest all the problem i am facing and he also wrote back on his problem. We sort out thru emails and get back again. If not, divorce is the only way out.
You say yr wife is 7 yrs older than you and woman tends to be more mature in thinking too. Maybe to her you are childish or over protective to yr son and she feel you neglected her. After 10 mths of carrying yr baby, let her nag awhile won't kills right. Of cos, you can be unhappy as you are trying yr best and no ones seems to appreciate and instead they laugh n mock at you. I guess you can tell her and suite her how much you love this family etc. mother in law is forever mother in law. They will never treat you like their own so forget about her and her remarks. I think you can be firm in telling her like, you clean for your wife and son, dust free environment, is there any prob in it. What sickness can that be? Over clean?? I never heard of that. Unless you really over doing it.. Your baby is still young. He need you and yr wife. So cool dwn first. Relax, try talking it out with yr wife or just purely chatting. Ask her if she is tired? Pain? Unwell? Concern her. I think she will appreciate it. Good luck and stay cool!!
take care bro....be prepared for more nonsense
Pete, congratulation for being a dad! It's sure a challenging journey. We are sorry to read these experience of yours. It must be hell for you all this while. We are sure you are a good dad and a good husband.
Regarding your wife's issue, have you ever suspect it's her self-esteem that is causing all those "abusive" behaviours? I mean... For a woman who's 7 years your senior to marry you, she must have received all sorts of rubbish comments from people around her. Not to mention conservative parents who believe you marry their daughter for money or other stuff...
Watched too much dramas maybe... but it happened to a ex-colleague of mine... whole thing got worst when she funded her bf then to get a degree in Australia. It's hell for him when they eventually got married. His in-laws think lowly of him. Her friends are critical of him. She felt insecure when he got promoted and needs to travel frequently. During her pregnancy, she had depression as many people starts to poison her with how not attractive she had became and how he's going to leave her for sure. After giving birth to her son, she starts abusing her hub as he seems to only care about his son after each travel. She attempted suicide once just to get his attention. It's only then that she's seeking professional help and we all got to know about it.
I mean there might be hidden reasons to her behaviour like she do not wish to let you know the weak side of her so that you can't "bully" her or something... mere guessing here... try to find out the real reason behind it if you still treasure this marriage of yours. Remember the baby is innocent and he needs his mummy no matter how terrible she might have been to you.
Take care and best of luck!...
hi Pete. so sorry to hear that you have to go through all this. I wish my partner was as caring and loving to our son like you.but please, try to rmb why you loved her. think of all the good times. she really is too much I should say. but this is her hormones not her. she already very depressed. the last thing she needs is her husband ditching her. she may be a bitch now, but seriously deep down, all she ha've is you. about urban mother in law. maybe you can confront her about how uncomfortable you are having her Arnd. I'm pregnant now and I really must say my emotions are all over the place, if I know that my husband is even thinking of leaving me, I think I will cry my eyes out.
Not sure what I can say to make you feel better. I think Im guilty of behaving like this when my daughter was born. it takes time and patience from you. My husband also sucked up a lot of shit when i was hot-headed and lashed out at him for the tiniest things. Eg: cannot find my own specs when waking up for night feeding. But he would patiently explain to me why he was doing what he was doing. And if I didn't agree, he would ask me for a better way of doing things. Sometimes its in this process that logic starts to come into me again. Gradually we found the middle ground and things have been much better when we started to admit that we are both inexperienced and learning from each other. We stay with my mum also, I think the parent plays a part. My mother is a very experienced stay home mum and as this is my first-born, I sometimes feel the "pressure" to perform as well in raising my own child. And the faster way to show it is prob to put the hubby down, to tell my mom that hey, someone is lousier than myself. Im not sure if thats the case with your wife? Whatever you do, please show your wife that you will stick through, no matter how difficult she is. If she loves you, she will see it soon. All the best!
Does anyone know where to get help? Given birth for 4.5mths already. And husband still said I'm in super hot temper everyday. I simply picked on my husband. Just my husband and no one else.. I couldn't understand why myself! Afte the screaming and shouting, I even asked myself why....?? For the first 2mths, my gynae said it's my hormone not back to normal. If it still continue, I will have to seek help. Sighhhh.... Stayed home mum with 2kids and no social life really sucks to he'll and a husband who doesn't help.
I guess Pete's wife is lucky!! But man, pls endure your wife's unreasonable behavior. She doesn't know she is behaving like this. It's true that you have to kiss and hug your wife first before your son. Because I myself felt that son is stealing all the love my husband used to give me. And I complain!! you kiss son 6times a day. Me?? None!!??
Hi good job in doing and providing the best for your baby in your own ways. I'm sure your son can feel the love you are showering him with
I admit being a first time mother I have also inadvertently behaved at times the way as your wife does. Basically I realised I'm very much influenced by the way my mum handles baby and following everything that she tells me. Even the way to fold baby's clothes can sparkle dispute with my hubby. My son just turned 2mths old this week. Anyway what I want to say is continue to shower your love to baby. They are growing so fast that you won't recall how tiny they were when they are born. Let wifey say or do what she likes. No point to argue or get upset. Baby can feel what you r feeling. When you see your baby's first giggle or cooing at you, it will just melt all the anger inside you away also communication is an art. And nobody has ever perfected this art. If you still can squeeze out some spare time (I know this period new parents dont't have much time coz all spent on baby and reading up or researching about baby's growth etc) try read this book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' and its other series.
In fact I wanna thank you for posting this as it serves as a reminder to me that we all should work towards a happier family and live a more gracious life. It's not easy being a good role model for our little one but it's our responsibility now to guide him or her as best we can. All the best to you, your family and your little one stay happy SMILE!
Glad to see your post. Like others, it serves as a reminder to me. I used to be a gentle person. But I become very argumentative when my mother in law has comments on my diet and the way of taking care baby. I even pointed my finger at her once. Scolded her twice. I dont know it is because of my hormones or she is just unbearably ignorant.
My hubby has threatened me to divorce and forced me to apologise to his mum. I did cos I know it is my fault. But I will not forgive what he told me in order for me to apologise.
Maybe you have a talk with her when she has calm down. She will understand. My advice is not to threaten/ mention divorce. In future, it will cause a stain in the relationship. For me, divorce has been lingering on my mind after that incident. I really cannot stand his narrow minded, self-centered, pessimistic mum...