This is a discussion on Dilemma within the General Pregnancy Discussion forum, part of the Pregnancy Forum category; well to each of his own. no offence to anyone here. TS, the people that encourage you to give birth, ...
well to each of his own.
no offence to anyone here.
TS, the people that encourage you to give birth, yes they can support you, emotionally, giving you words of encouragement, BUT, are they gg to raise your child for you???
are they gg to take care of your child for you? are they gg to give you a roof over your head if your bf/family abandon you? are they gg to pay for you and your child's expenses when you are in need of money? are they gg to struggle thru with you?
well, NO. tts the reality, they can give you hand me downs, give you support thru words, but in the end, you are gg thru this yourself.
unless, you are very SURE that you have support from your family, (friends, can only help you that much only).
a child is a lifetime commitment, are you sure you are ready for that????
for me, i can honestly say even til now already 2.5 yrs, im not fully ready myself!
if you are not ready then dont't.
end up, you suffer, your kid suffer.
i once heard from my friend that her friend commited suicide after she gv birth cos she couldnt handle the pressure.
a young girl..
for those who are not in our shoes, as in, young, teenage (unmarried) mums like us, they can never understand how it feels like, they have their full support from relatives and friends, but we dont. its DIFFERENT.
my gf once aborted her first child, and now she and her hubby have a second child, and they are still very happy together.
and to say this, abortion is NOT an just easy way out to shrink your responsibilites.
in fact to me, many chose giving birth as an easier way out, so they dont have to live with the guilt of killing their own child.
JMHO, and once again, no offence to anyone. n no, im not encouraging abortion, its just an alternative.
Last edited by Ting; 30-07-2009 at 01:50 PM.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
i'm also 22 this year caught between whether to keep my baby not.. i'm 5 weeks so far... my bf n i have the plan to get married but we are afraid we can't finiancially support the baby n wont be able to give it the best... i cant bear to remove it even thou it's just a sac right now... seeing it throught the scan makes me feel so cruel if i were to remove it. have not had the guts to tell my parents but his parents knew it and leave the decision to us... quite stessed up everything requires money... getting married n giving birth...
his parents leave the thoughts to us... they want us to think if we are matured enough to take care of the unborn... as for my parents they are very strict... i wouldn't know what their expression would be if i were to tell them i'm preggy... i'm also afraid my bf might want me to abort as we are finiancally unstable... in short- we can't even feed ourself how to feed the baby....
but, if you decide to keep the baby n get married, is his parents supportive?
money is a big issue, maybe you can just ROM n wedding dinner can do it next time..
true to it, if you cant feed yourself, how to feed baby, need to make sacrifices.
another option- put up for adoption.
his parents are supportive. i've thought og going ROM 1st n leave the wedding dinner till later but my side n his side won't comprise to it... you know all those old ppl thinking... never go through chinese dinner not considered married in their eye... if i cant even bear to abort how would i bear to give it up for adoption after carrying it 10 mths n went through all the labour pain... seriously speaking raising it is really not easy... dont't even know if there's enough money to go through the scans and consultations not... he's not of a well off family and there's very limited to what his parents could help as his dad could not work due to eye prob. really dont't know what to do... pondering whether i should tell my parents and ask them for an opinion...
You said financially both of you can support so now it's just the schooling issue that you have to take into consideration.
It depends on your mentality towards abortion and as well as the relationship. No one will be able to give you the perfect advice, baby belongs to both of you. What does your bf think?
On my part:
I was 22 when I found out that I am pregnant. I wasn't married, wasn't even in a stable relationship as I always feel that I am just a substitute/replacement. I made a mistake by not given more thoughts before this pregnany even though it's not unexpected or totally unplanned.
I guess I wasn't emotionally prepared as couple. I know I will never forgive myself if I go for an abortion, moreover it's a irreversible decision. At that time I am sure that I am going to keep the baby, either I raise her by myself or with my Hubby.
I know it's definitely not going to be easy to do it alone but given a choice, I would rather go through that kind of hardship than to live with remorse and guilt. Perhaps I am just the sort of person who cannot stand having my conscience stricken.
Though baby is still not born and I dont't know how much more difficulties am I going to face after her birth, I have not regretted keeping her. Am going through the toughest phrase but still I only wondered if I should have married my Hubby. I hope to feel wanted and not just a responsibility.
So talk to your bf and see what he says. If both of you truly love each other and share the same values, face the consequences of whatever decision both of you decide together - 能一起吃苦也是一种幸福.
I am very sure all mothers want to give their child the best in everything. If you feel dat you r unable to provide him/her the BEST at this moment, then i dont see y you shud let your child come into this world n suffer. Cos you wil feel inadequate in times to come...................Just treat it as a lesson learnt.
I am actually reading all replies everyday.
Do keep them coming...I am still in the going thru discussion with my bf and keep asking ourselves the same questions that some of you posted.
what you said is very true. right now, some people (our super close friends) knows of this issue. ALL of them will certainly advise us to keep it. BUT yes like what you said, they are not the ones that is going to provide for the baby. They can only support us with care and concern.
TS, i hope you make the best decision, not just for yourself, your bf but also for the ppl around you.
though having a kid is both you n your bf's responsibility, but, it will somehow affect the ppl around you.
either decision, is a big step.
we love our kids, but we cant deny our mistakes or regrets at certain points of our lifes, cos we're not fully prepared.
I'm 21 this yr. And I have 2 kids. Not a easy decision I must say. I had my 1st kid with my ex bf. He promised to get married with me once I was pregnant. Being naive, I trusted his words. Once I got pregnant, he started to demand money from me. He took the money to go out with his friends and enjoy himself. I even supported him thru his first trim of his ITE. He told me he met someone new when I was 6 mths pregnant. He hit me when I demanded the money he owned me. He told me that he was already together with that ger and that he did not want to get married with me. When my 1st ger was @ 6 mths, I met someone new, my current husband. In a haste to get my ger a complete family, I got married with him within 1 + yr. Now, I'm married for bout 2 yrs. Please think over. If I could turn back time, I would have chose not to get married n have my 2nd ger.
I would sincerely ask you not 2 abort and think twice about getting married.
Why is it that you rather consult your friends than your own parents? Forgive me for being crude, you have enjoy the process and now gotten the result and you want to get rid of it?? Are you being selfish or are you afraid the baby will hinder your future? I have a friend who is only 17 she just gave birth, she is not very highly educated but still knows how that she must be responsible for her actions.
I am 22 this year.
i got pregnant when i was 19yrs old.
i am totally against abortion before my son was born bcoz like what many had said, it's our mistake and we should face the consequences.
His parents came to my home to talk to mine when i was around 4mths pregnant. The 'adults' said that we should get married. And so, i married hubby when i was 7mths pregnant.
Hubby and I love each other alot. But we were just 19 yrs old and honestly, i am still not very sure whether he is going to be the man i wanna spend the rest of my life with. I was still hesitating on the day i marry him. Afterall, we are still young and am unsure how we'd change yrs down the road.
After my son was borned, things were good for a few mths. We separated, when my son was just 6mths old, for 1/2 a year. I found a job and we lead separate lives. It was only when my birthday was approaching (& knowing that someone else was wooing me) did hubby tried to get me back.
It was an easy job for him. I still relented in the end after considering the fact that i dont't want my precious son to be fatherless. We weren't really stable bcoz im still trying to 'forgive' hubby mentally.
Few months after that, i found myself pregnant again. Hubby was elated and wanted to keep the child but I wanted to abort due to
2) i think that sooner or later, me and hubby would divorce
3) I'm not ready to be a mum again.
The thought of abortion made me cried everytime. But i took too long to decide and the baby was too big for normal abortion. I still can kill my child; by inducing labour and giving birth to her, only to let her die.
I chose to keep my baby in the end coz i can never do it. The thought itselfis torturing me.
And less than 2 mths ago, my princess came into this world, right at home with only hubby in front of me.
The happiness when hubby and i are 'so-in-love' is indescribable. Our kids just completed everything and i am so in love now. ^^
I found the following long term problems :
Getting married due to pregnancy or not?
1) Getting married and having kids are two whole different issues.
2) Marriage shouldn't be merely for the sake of the child.
Ending up in divorce is just going to hurt the children more. I believe they'd rather their parents were separated in the first place.
1) Needless to say, everything a single mother has to go through
I did somehow regret getting married to hubby sometimes coz i felt that our character is too similar. ROCK + ROCK = SPARK = Fire. But our's was so bad, its just like a volcano erupt.
And its hard for human beings to change who they already are.
Keeping or not
Assuming that marriage took place and the child was borned;
Ending 1 : Happily ever after (Emotionally? meeting a man who can 'protect' you for the rest of your life can resolve all issues.)
1) Back to MARRIAGE, Is he the one?
Ending 2 : Divorce
Ending 2 hurts everyone in a family. I believe you'd rather aborting and never getting married for the sake of the child in the first place.
DIVORCE OR NOT?
Not to mention how the kids would be severly affected,
1) Remarry? How are you going to face your future in-laws, bringing kids with you, and marry a bachelor? Forever, you and your children are going to be 'lower' than anyone in his family. You'll lose out in every ways. TOLERATING is all you can do coz they 'took you in'. (LUCKY IF YOUR IN-LAWS CAN ACCEPT you. JUST PRAY THAT THERE'S NO CONFLICT.)
a) Will the stepfather treat your children like his own?
b) Supposingly you gave birth to a child for your new hubby, will he love your kids like his own? how about your new in-laws? (again, LUCKY IF YOUR IN-LAWS CAN ACCEPT your CHILDREN. JUST PRAY THAT THERE'S NO CONFLICT.)
2) Staying as a divorcee and never remarry? Mentally drained with no 'the-other-half' to share everything with you. Lonely emotionally.
1) Try to work things out (again.)
2) TOLERATE AR!!
1) Abortion - The guilt and how badly your body would be damaged
2) Adoption - Are you going to spend the rest of your life thinking about how your unwanted child is?
All these are just some of the problems. And it's already so problematic.
Talking to your bf should be after you've made your decision.
Is he the one you wanna spend the rest of your life with?
Yes? dont't hesitate. Please keep the child.
No? Then do you want to keep the child and let her go fatherless or have a step-father?
Adoption? Can you live the rest of your life not thinking of your flesh & blood? Are you sure she's in good hands?
Abortion might be a better choice.
Again, i must say. I used to be anti-abortion. But as a woman who got pregnant first before marriage, i believe all these are more important for the well-being of yourself, your bf, and the unborn child. Keeping the baby is not necessarily the best way.
THESE ARE MY POINTS OF VIEW. ANYBODY WHO DISAGREE CAN JUST KEEP QUIET dont'T BOMB ME.
Take care. my baby cry .
well, not everyone will have a happy ending n vise versa.
there r many mums here who divorced, or single mums, that found good guys.
we cant be that subjective.
be more optimistic.
I'm 22 this year too..
I was not prepared to have a child so early or rather, I do not want to have a child in the future even I'm married..
After I found out I was pregnant for 18 weeks already, I really want to abort it, cuz I'm really not ready to give up everything for a family..
It was my hubby's decision to make me keep the baby.. He gave me promises that I know he really wants the child so much.. And after that day of checkup, he kneeled down and proposed to me with fake flower and his ring Lol..
We were so afraid to break the news to our family members.. Because we actually separated for awhile and only 1 day before I knew I was pregnant, we went back together.. [His parents even said the child might not be his..]
In the end, it's all the efforts that he had made that made me love him even more.. We managed to get engaged on my 24th week.. Chinese marriage maybe 1-2yrs later bah..
It's actually up to you to make your own decision.. We are only here to share our stories.. No one can force you to keep or not to.. you can still continue studying or just give studying a break, after give birth continue
Do something that you will not regret in the future
I'm against abortion.. There are couples trying to have a baby, and yet, people are aborting? I would rather you give the baby up for adoption, at least he/she will have a better life with their new parents. Imagine our parents aborting us instead? The thought of babies being killed painfully is really cruel and sad. For those young mums who have kids, like me, i think it's best not to dwell on the past. It won't be an easy path, but i believe if we shower our kids with love and guidence, be it single or married mums, things will turn out fine..
I know exactly how you feel as I was in the same shoes as you last year! I did not even hit my 21st birthday and found that I was 6 weeks pregnant.
My hubby is 9 yrs my senior so he could support and his parents were okay with it. When we told my parents, my mum looked like she was going to skin my hubby alive! But now my mum dote on my girl sooooo much.
Although my hubby can support, my side obviously couldn't. I was studying & working PT. My girl is now almost 4 months and I am still studying full-time and looking after her on my non-school days. When I go to school my parents will usually help to look after.
It is definitely not easy at all, because you have to think of where you going to stay, who is going to look after, how you going to juggle school and baby, and also the 1001 things you have to buy for the baby, and medical fees.
I will not lie and say that it has been an easy journey for us to come to this. In 6 months we got married, had our wedding, buy a flat & moved in to our new lovenest 1 week before I gave birth.
For us, we never considered an abortion. I feel that you must be willing to take up the responsibility to look after the child because once you have the baby, the world is not about you anymore. You have to make many sacrifices. Like cannot hang out with your friends so often, cannot go out late, etc.
Now besides going to school, my free time I reserved for baby & housework. The only time I have to myself is when I go to school when I dont't have my baby with me. Even my available spare time is after my girl sleep (8pm), which I spend to do homework, assignments, study for exams, (and surf forums LOL).
A lot of adjustment had to be made. You must get adjusted to married life - again this is about the 2 of you no more boyfriend and girlfriend. You must get adjusted to being a mummy & daddy, you must get adjusted to doing a lot of things on your own, and to make your own decisions. It is not only physically, like not enough sleep, but can also be emotionally draining.
BUT. If you really are willing to make these sacrifices and willing to walk into a new chapter in your life, dont't worry you got all of us here!
well, obviously when i said that the mums who found a good guy meant that they care and love for their child, if not how would he be good?
and fyi, most abuse cases occur bcos their own mother allow it to. the mother shld be smart enuf to judge whether this man is good enough.
and do you also know that many blood parents also abuse their child?
ppl who abuse children (or even animals) are sick in the mind, so in what sense can they be a good person?
perhaps you dont understand where im coming from, bcos, im just sayin, dont be so subjective, just bcos you met one bad guy, dont mean all the rest are bad.
i know it bcos, ive met my share of lousy guys and now ive met my current bf who is an amazing guy who cares very well not just for me but also for pin.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
a new life wont affect someone life, a new life only brings joy. just have to remb one thing, life is difficult thou but.. it's an lil life in YOU.. only you have the decision on what to do next.. life is precious, cherish it and you wont be regret in the future.
when my girl found out she was already 18 weeks pregnant, we were also very lost about it.. but think about it, it's a life, no matter how hard no matter how tired it is, is a life that both of you had created. since things had happen just let it be, re-organised all the things in your life that you have made. changes does change life.
just an 2 cent comment..