This is a discussion on Frustration with 1st-time grandparents within the Newborn Baby and Infant Care (up to 12 months old) forum, part of the Growing Up & Parenting category; Not sure if its due to me being not patient enuf or very kan chiong since its my first child. ...
Not sure if its due to me being not patient enuf or very kan chiong since its my first child. I'm edgy with mother in law/father in law (though it's their 1st grandchild) when i hear negative comments
- i have not carry her whole day/2 days (bcos my mum comes over to take care of us both from morning to late afternoon, now staying with in-laws)
- she's angry/unhappy
- still hungry (just fed not long ago)
- rush up immediately when she starts to cry or when i close the door cos sometimes bf..
anyone same experience before?
Last edited by JazN; 10-07-2009 at 01:54 PM.
i also super frustrated with my mother in law!
She always insist on carrying my boy and keep asking him to wake up! Then wake him up he cranky coz not enuf sleep, cry then she return to me or my CL!
Then we have to make him sleep again. Then when we try to make him sleep again, she will start talking to him or follow me around the house when i m carrying him! ARGHS!
i experienced same thing as you.. Diiference is that its my in laws 3rd grandchild includin 2 from my sister In law. But my son is the first maternal grandson and they have waited for decades for this litte bird bird haha
More stress from them when you bf your baby and they will say he cry cos milk not enough. Most frustrating is such comment came from father in law who knew nuts about breastfeeding and takin care of children.
I understand the feeling of ' 听了不爽。丁嘴不孝' my father in law mouth is like a woman. So i coop in the room to avoid more conflicts. That old man insisted on gettin pacifiers for my son whenever he cry .but i say this is due to he hungry so dont need. Even my dear husband told me that pacifiers have been used on my niece and nephew as it was meant to reduce noise level like cryin,basically to keep their mouth shut. Even up till now my sister In law still blame me for not giving him pacifier ai
Pacifiers are designed to soothe baby not shut them up
Anyway, your not alone in this tats why we are writin this online
I got nothing against pacifiers just that we tryin to cut down things to bring when goin out and its not stressful if we forgot to bring such items
My mother in law always use words like 'father say xxxx ' so i used back..'baby's dad say xxx'.. To rebuke her and him bak when my father in law is present when my mother in law talkin to me. Now myfil dont dare to talk to me haha
My in laws like to talk to the air, hoping that person will respond haha
Forgot toadd, my father in law only started to voice his opinions when my dear son came out and if we dont listen to him , he say we stubborn.. So now i ignore him altogether haha
I just started work last Monday after 4 months of maternity leave. It was
hard leaving the baby early in the morning. So rush home from work to try
to spend whatever time i have before he goes to sleep. Grandparents still
want to play with him not giving me time with him alone. Arrrgh!!!! It has
been going on every evening every since. I rush home and they tell oh
baby want to sleep, then i just carry baby to put him to sleep and the
grandmother will intervene and take baby away to their room. It seems that
baby doesn't recognize me anymore but he will the grandparents a big smile
and goo gaa @ them. I'm so stress! Feel like resigning and just look after
Understand the bonding between you n your baby that have been securedly fostered, in the past, you have been attendin to baby , so deeply attached to each other that you felt uneasy when granparents took care of baby, when you were bak at work, tryin to,catchmup.
dont worry,your baby knows who mummy is ..
that goes to show that your baby is in good hands...as the granparens dote on him so much...
Maybe you can counter attack , tell them nicely that you miss your baby at work and wld like to spend some time with baby.. Smile, close and lock door..
When my dear son was younger, he wilk cry in middle of the nite when i change diaper for him, i was slow , so he wailed loudly until my sister In law knocked on my room door and asked me what happened.. Believed it was my intervening father in law who,asked mysil to come n check out as i heard his voice outside my door moments before my sister In law knock on door
So the next day i told my mother in law that we are not going to open the room door when they knock, esp when baby was wailing, busy attending to baby, where got time open door and answer their questiions.. what if baby fell down from changing station?
From then on, they leave us alone.
Fyi, my mother in law is stayin with us n takin care of my dear son... We told her that when we reach home in evening time, we will take care of him, she can rest or go happyhour over squarish table.. Hehe
And she is happywif that..
Things can be worked out..dont rush into resigning just bcos of that
It will not look ln your cv if you resign after you came bak from 16 weeks of paid maternity leave Nevertheless, hold on for one month also even if you decide to quit.. At least you have a valid reason for leaving 'family commitment' decide to leave after tryin out for a month as i want to nuture my baby'
Can I also 'air' my views and perhaps bitch a little.
during my baby's 1st few months, she always say i got NO MILK becos baby kept crying. she actually stand beside me to watch me BF okay! i dont tink any daughter in law did that right?!!!!
my hubby arrange for my mother in law to stay at our place to take care of my dear daughter. we even hired a maid to help her. everything we arrange for her also cannot one. i tink is her problem! when the maid is new, sometimes she do wrong things. my mother in law will say she very stress, going crazy, scare the maid will murder her. anything she can self imagine, she will say it one. imagine she tortures me with all these comments for the past 5 months.
my baby crys alot in her few mths, she will come and tell us. or behind our back, say she is going crazy hearing baby cry. complain my baby needs to be carried when she started doing that in the 1st place. my hubby told her once not to carry baby too often, she got upset and cry. OMG!
then she will make a fuss out of everything and tell me she dont't want to take care of my baby anymore.
can you imagine this - i need to work. at home, this person always whine and tells me dont want to take care . how i change last minute? how can someone be so insensitive?!!!
she also say -ve remarks about my baby sometimes. she say my baby very difficult, always cry. but my baby is so cute now. at night, my baby gets cranky when she wants to sleep so she looks for my breast. she said like that terrible. but what is wrong giving your baby comfort when she is so young now.
i think i treat her very nice . when she say our marble floor is too cold but bedroom slippers too slippery, i bought her one GOOD one. ESPIRIT brand ok!
she always complain her backache. guess what? she sleep on my cold marble floor in the afternoon and then backache come back . OMG. is that my problem when you dont take care of yourself?
im someone of a man attitude. i dont spend time 'sai nine' one.
recently she created some big issue again.
i got this mobile live cam where i can view the activities at home via my hp. initially she always complaint to me about the maid and wants me to scold her. so when i see something wrong, i can talk thru the mic . she complain and cry to my father in law that i shout on the mic and cause her to 'tremble' and fear. (maybe my maid got scared and went to my mother in law for help. my maid is not scared of my mother in law becos my mother in law treat her like friend like that. so my maid does not scare my mother in law)
she say she got depression , going crazy. this is a personality issue right? my father in law called me directly on my mobile and ask me if i dont like my mother in law. wah piah! ask me dont need to view the camera . but , in the 1st place, she wanted the camera to see anything wrong when she is not w the maid.
she also complain to my father in law that i always say things indirectly to 'imply' or hint her.
why should i do that when i can just tell my hubby to tell her off? BF mothers like us got not enough sleep, need to work, come home need to take care of baby. I where got time! every day rush home to take over to take care of my baby just in case she complain again, i not automatic.
she dont like me right? i really upset man when i always do what she wants.
anyone can counsel me???
understand how you feel, pat pat
Is your mother in law facing menopause?
Maybe you wanna consider gettin a nanny?
Itook a couple days of leave to go home take care of baby, n my mother in law seem to b happier..is your mother in law first time grandma?
Did you manage to have a talk with your dear husband and asked him for his view?
Personally, I think she's just kicking up a fuss. I just spent two hours listening to my pregnancy partner bytch and rant about her mother in law whom I suspect is a first time grandma. (This is the same friend whom I shared about regarding mother in law bully my friend's mum...not buying stuff for my friend and all that for her confinement.)
Since the start of the confinement, the mother in law has been staying over at my friend's place (mother in law is from Penang) - she was supposed to stay for just two weeks but somehow ended up staying for the entire month. Now from the beginning, the mother in law already said that she dont't want to take care of the baby so my friend arranged for the CL to teach her mum to take care of the baby.
As most of you may know, it's important to decipher baby's crying and form cues or a mental image/idea of what the baby wants. In order to do this, you need to do things like carry the baby when the baby starts fussing, feed and so forth - that way it's easier on both baby and the caregiver (mother, grandma, whoever) to know each other's needs.
BUT the mother in law will watch the baby like a hawk. Whatever my friend does, she will nag and contradict. She'll tell my friend that when the baby cries, cannot pick up coz will spoil the baby BUT she herself will pick up and carry the baby. When my friend's mum drops by to visit and spend time with the CL & baby, the mother in law will refuse to let the mum handle the baby. It was so bad until my friend's parents hardly drop by because even if they drop by, they can't go near the baby at all. The mother in law will even scold the CL sometimes. =.=
It got so bad until my friend spent the last two weeks expressing instead of direct feed, pass the bottle to the CL and not bother about the baby. When her baby cry, she'll stay in her room (if there is someone tending to the baby). Even the CL was wondering what was wrong. It was very hard for my friend because her hubby is the non-confrontational type and refuse to tell his mum off. On top of that, because the mother in law bolot everything, it was hard for my friend's mum to learn how to jaga the baby.
Her confinement ended yesterday so the CL left and of course, the mother in law left as well. My friend told everything to her hubby and his reply was that his mum left so the nightmare is over , but my friend went "No, it's just beginning" coz now her mum and her are left with the task of taking care of the baby and they have no idea what the baby wants whenever she cries because they weren't given a chance to handle the baby.
I think what is important is that you need to have a partner who is not only supportive of you but willing to stand up to his own parents for the sake of his child. A lot of men assume that when we women complain about our in-laws, it's personal but it's not. Most of the time, from what I see, it's because your babies are caught in the middle and affected the most, plus you and your hubby are the ones left to handle the mess. Of course, telling ourselves to ignore is easy but how many of us can really ignore such treatment? :/
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isabelandrew, is there someone else who can help to take care of baby? I think to relieve your stress, you may want to put baby in childcare or playschool once baby is old enough and only let your mother in law look after her for half a day instead of the whole day.
You mother in law really sounds whiny and for goodness' sake, she's not the one who should be suffering from post natal blues!
As for the maid, I think you have to step in and do something. YOu're paying for the maid and you should be calling the shots!!! Maybe you can tell the maid that you'll offer her incentives if she does well etc, and that she should listen to your instructions.
If she's really hard to handle, you may want to change maid? Maids are very smart; they will learn your family polictics and use it against you.
every now and then, she will find something small to pick up to make a big issue out of anything. so unfair, i suffer .
my maid - i think she still scare of me. except in the day, she treats my mother in law like friend like that. always tell me mother in law what we do on wkends, i hate it!
my hubby dont want nanny. besides my baby needs to be carried all the time. today, my maid is doing this job.
i told my hubby. im glad he supported me. ask me dont always 'curry favour' his mother (eg, buy things for her) he feels that his mother is getting very childish, fussing about every single thing.
but you know, i can't take it. she goes home on friday nights and return on sunday nights. when she arrives, she look like she is being forced to come.
yes. initially she kept saying baby cries drove her crazy. for someone to say like that, must be very stressful right? she kept saying her poor thing daughters (30 over ) no body take care when she is here on wkdays with my baby and my place. sometimes she appear ok, sometimes she .. i also dont know what she is thinking. maybe she dont like me? always think im against her?
but i did nothing, i hardly got time to do other things.
Was so happy manage to spend time with baby whole day today! Put baby
down to sleep @ 10pm next to me on my bed. Next thing i know baby
missing!!!!! Grandmother came in and ask for baby's buckwheat pillow.
Super piss can't sleep now! Usually if i want her to look after @ night i
will put baby in his cot and push into their room and if i put him in my room
i will look after him myself. Unspoken rule. Haizz..... if i dont't say anything I'll
be damn if i do something I'll be damn also!
Because of her i stop breastfeeding after 1 1/2 months! Even had a touch
of post natal blues during confinement. Every time baby cry its seem its
always my fault! No kidding! Even when baby had colic also my fault! Blame
on my breast milk! Accuse me of drinking cold drinks or eating wrong food!
I used to pump and store milk in the freezer also a problem. Complain that
i did n't thaw milk properly. I can't even carry my baby when he cries but
its ok if she carry. It was frustrating b'coz its seem i can't do anything right
and i'm not needed @ home as she is capable in looking after baby alone.
When i broke down in my room she saw and asked my hubbby what happen.
Hubby told her. She got defensive and suddenly doesn't want to look after
baby told me to look after baby myself. I had to explain to her that enough
with the accusations when baby is upset.
If it's really stressful for her, you and hubby may want really want to consider alternatives. Or perhaps you can drop baby and maid at her place instead? Is that what she's trying to get you to do?
but thank goodness your hubby is understanding and is on your side!
aliana, your mother in law is really one of a kind!
next time you want the baby with you, lock the door.
since there's no making your mother in law happy, then just do things that will make you happy instead! seriously dont't bother about her, carry baby when you want to and do whatever with baby when you want to. You are the mummy!!!
Maybe you can get your hubby to talk to your mother in law about this? is your hubby on your side?