time to use the cane
This is a discussion on Dilemma in How to discipline a 3 yr old toddler who doesn't listen to anyone? within the General Parenting Discussion forum, part of the Growing Up & Parenting category; Hi mummies, Im facing a difficult time handling my son who is about to turn 3 next month. Hes very ...
Im facing a difficult time handling my son who is about to turn 3 next month. Hes very adamant to take instructions and wants always to do things his way. He attends CC full time & even the teachers have a difficult time handling him. I brought him to church for bible studies with other kids, he behaves the same way of not listening & smiles when someone tells him to stop his wrongdoing (pulling another person's hair, screaming, raising his hand to hit, using some vulgar word - learnt from my father while speaking OTP).
Each time when I hear complaints from school & outsiders, im crying inside that I myself dont know how I can restrain him frm doing so. Most kids can listem once told. But, my boy doesn't want to even listen after me repeatedly raising my voice. He only calms down once we take the cane in our hands to scare him. He can speak well but we know that he's very playful & pretends not to listen though he know its wrong.
Im stucked in a dilemma & I really need to do something before he becomes a spoilt brat. The teachers & I are working together by talking to him 1 to 1 but still dosent help. It pains to see the other children playing happily while my son is segregated to 1 corner to realise his mistake.
Do you think its right to do so? I just find that this will cause a great impact mentally.
Hope mummies here can share on how to tackle this situation. :'(
time to use the cane
Certainly a tricky issue to handle with. I too have three kids - 6, 4 and 2.5 years old and am still going through similar kind of issues with 4 year old girl and 2.5 year old boy. As a thumb of rule, I have been using 'carrot and stick' approach and it works very well for me.
With my 2.5y old, I often reward him when he listens to me or behave well. My rewards include praise, allowing him to play with his favourite toys, taking him for a walk every day and to park every weekends etc. He usually obey my instructions at first instance as he knows that he won't get those privileges if he makes mummy unhappy. Most of time (>90%) this works for me.
Normally I give him 3 warnings for each misbehaviour/mistake. If he keeps failing to change his behaviour after 3 warnings, I use the cane as the final resort. As a mom and a teacher I believe that moderate use of cane is necessary when come to disciplining of kids and students. He gets one hard cane on palm whenever he steps out the boundaries. I have to admit that his behaviour has improved a lot after introducing him cane at 2y.
Bad behaviour at public places is a BIG NO for me. I found that keeping a 'mini' cane in my hand bag is very effective with my little one during outings.
I found a 'mix approach' would be more effective with my two younger kids. I was too soft to my elder one when he was little and found him rebellious at later stage.
Last edited by Amy2011; 30-01-2014 at 03:15 AM.
here's what the experts will advise
Silence can work wonders too.
I give my child the silent treatment and evil eye (i.e. staring unyieldingly) sometimes. That's when I dont't want to use the shouting or screaming method. It shows my displeasure at the action he's doing without the harsh words. It works especially when you are in public.
Of course, your child has to understand that when you do this, you are upset. After many tries, he'll probably understand.
Just my 2 cent from my personal experience.
errr.. thought the silient method is notmally reserved for husband or bf?
First 5yrs, I used 爱的教育on my boys, I found that things didn't work well then I started to use silence method , punishment corner, standing for hours and and many other methods. Yes it did had an effect which didn last long.
Once a kid turns 7 or 8, its not easy for me to discipline them. When they started to be disrespectful to their peers, teachers and elderly, I have no choice but to flash my cane. Not to the extent to cane them yet. No methods is wrong as long as you dont abuse it. Parenting is not easy. It takes lots of patience. Tats why many wouldn't want to have kid.
Originally Posted by Amy2011:853660
Yes, im adopting this method & it helps alot. The best part is my son only listen to the MEN(grandfather & husband) in the house.he has no issues listening to them even though hes wrong. Lately, we had started to bring a mini cane (wh broke into half) outside a few times, till he beg us not to bring & behaved well. I had a few times hit him hardly with a cane with full swing till I cried cos im was too stressed with work load, family issues.
Now im trying to relax myself to explore into other ways to better handle him.
Thank you for sharing & I feel much relieved
It’s glad to hear that the ‘carrot and stick’ approach works well with your baby. However, I encourage you to adopt more 'rewarding' strategies and less 'punishments'. Keep the cane as the last resort otherwise kids get immune to it and soon looses the power of it. Some of my close friends are already experiencing that.
As for caning, I suggest you NOT to cane when you are angry or stressed. It does not help achieving the intention of caning and also you might end up with hitting wrong places.
I never cane my kids when I am angry. I use few techniques to cool down myself before canning.
Whenever canning is necessary, I normally ask them to fetch the cane (I have canes hanging in every room including dinning and in my car). Their hesitation gives me few minutes to calm down. Then I spend few more minutes asking them the reasons for getting caned and how they would avoid the same mistake in future. I am super cool by the time they understand their mistake and ready to accept punishment. When caning, I always want them to corporate by stretching hands (for minor to moderate mistakes) or bending and touching toes (severe wrong doing) and not to run around until I finish. I give only one hard cane each palm (or max of 3 for repeated mistakes or severe mistakes). Immediately after canning I give them a big hug and restore our close friendship again. I have adopted this process with all my kids (my 2.5 y boy picked up in weeks) This process helps me to strengthen their love and respect to me while creating fear for Mr. Cane.
Mini cane has become a regular item of my handbag. Once they go out of control, I take it out and keep next to me (or leave it on the table during eat outs) without mentioning a word of it. They immediately know that ‘mummy means the business” and one more repetition of will get them into trouble once they return to car or home. I never cane them in public.
I have to admit my kids are most of time well-behaved at home as well as at public places.
Hope the above helps.
Last edited by Amy2011; 06-02-2014 at 10:42 AM.
The best method for me is to use encouraging method - try to always notice what your child has done rite or has made an effort in --> praise/encourage him. eg) if you wanna bring him to the supermarket, tell him first that he must behave himself there then you bring him out. Make him agree then if he really behaves himself there, remember to praise him for that. tell him 'you have been a good boy just now at the supermarket, mama is very proud of you. You are a good boy!" then you can hug & kiss him & give him a encouraging smile/pat. This may look like a small act but everyone likes to be praise/encourage. Who likes to be scold/punish or being labelled as notti. If most of the time your child see that he is positive in your eyes, he will try to match up to your expectation. Likewise, if he deems that everyone thinks he is a notty boy, he will act that role. So best to reinforce that idea that hes a good boy, he has improved & he can do more good things. eg)Show him how to keep his toys, keep the toys with him, then praise him for that. Sometimes we have to show him how to do things the correct way, not just tell him. Encourage, encourage, encourage! I will make an effort to notice what good things he has done or good behavior & highlight to him so that he knows mummy is watching his good behavior & he will want to exhibit more of that. I will also tell the younger sis (infront of korkor) :" Korkor has done the right thing, he keeps all his toys after playing...you can do it too mei mei, come korkor, show mei mei how you keep the toys nicely.'' By doing this, my son & even my daughter has boost the confident to do the right thing cos mum notice it. You can even tell others eg)grandparents on what good behavior he has exhibit recently infront of him to boost his confident to improve. If you only focus his bad behaviour, then he may exhibit rebellious act to get your attention. Hug him alot... at least for 20seconds each time(read this somewhere)...a child who feel loved wont become bad. Children always exhibits adults behavior - try to talk to him softly. If you dunwan him to scream/ yell/tok vugar then we cannot do this too.
My son is turning 3 soon too & i see a drastic improvement in his behavior ever since i use the encouraging method. He was also very rude in the past - pinching & hitting ppl! Now he has stopped all this action & you can see hes become a more loving & well-mannered child. He will walk to me & hug & say, mama i love you. Thank you mama, sorry mama automatically when he needed to. You may say ...'but my son is really veryvery notti'. No child is born notti, they can definitely become good children if we put in the correct effort. Try not to focus too much on his bad behavior if its not the serious type - ignore it & turn it to positive. eg) Dont cane him for hitting someone. He will think:" you say cannot hit ppl, but there you are hitting me!" Show him how to sayang ppl or hug ppl & praise him for that. Soon his good behaviour will take over the bad ones. Caning seems to work definitely but what it has instill in your child is fear & feeling less loved which will result in the child:" acting good only infront of you, infront of eg say more lenient grandparents, notti again. It doesnt cure the root problem in my opinion.
Have faith in him to become a good boy! Jiayou!
[QUOTE=Amy2011;854039]I totally agree with you!. There is no one fits all solution for this issue.
You are so lucky that you have not reached to the extent to cane them.[/QUOT
I think being a parent is a very hard responsibilities..
Sometimes it will push you the limit .. Just my opinion base on what i am seeing with my sister.
I am going to be a new mum. These situations bother me
[QUOTE=lora2014;859905]I am going to be a new mum. These situations bother me [/QUE\
dont't be bothered. Just look for a positive future..