Curious..

[venia_plena]

Hi all,

is it true that when a woman had become a mummy.. the social circle of friends seems to get smaller and smaller? I really wonder cause this is what happening to me.. it like really scary... my bundle of joy came to me 4 months ago.. then i realized that my world seems to change.. everything is about my baby.. and i used to have ' kopi' session with friends but not anymore cause i got to rush back to look after my baby.. bringing her out is one alternative.. but every time when i bring her out for the whole day.. the babysitter had a hard time looking after her the next time.. she will cry non-stop and i know this an be irritating..

when i try to tell my friends about it.. they dont seem to understand..in fact i had lost a close friend because of my baby.. sob..sob...

what should i do?

[camom]

Of course... my gatherings with my close friends got further apart cos I was the only mommy then. What we did was communicate thru email, MSN and smses mainly. I think people drfit apart if an effort is not made with the relationships.

Now most of my close circle of friends are mommies themselves so we have lots of common topics to talk about. But we mommies also got to remind ourselves not to hog the conversation with snipperts of our babies.

[Ting]

yeah you sure tend to drift apart from your friends after you have a child.. in fact after you r married, you will start to focus more on marriage n family.
i believe it is inevitable.
i feel that your close friend is not sensitive enough, perhaps when she has her own kids, she will understand.
among my friends, only me n another close gf of mine have kids.
others r still single n not married. we dont meet up often..
maybe once in a few mths only, n we dont even sms/msn much.. cos everyone is busy with their own lives, work,study, bf/gfs.
but we do try to update each other n make an effort to meet up if one of us organise a gathering.

[Phoebii Cheng]

It takes effort to keep a relationship gg.....especially with friends.....

[TANZHENZHI]

I think it's quite normal. As i also have a few close friends but only me get married with baby. We also try to organize gathering once in a few mths. There was once we arrange a meet-up but i couldn't make it as my son was sick that day, so my friend was very angry with me and keep saying i'm a super areoplane queen. But i dont mean it then until now she didn't speak to me as she's angry wit me for not attending the gathering. Anyway for me, family if more impt. I'm sure she'll understand one day when she's married wit family. Really upset sometimes when your close friends dont understand you after so many years of friendship..

[epicurean]

Hi venia_plena,

Actually it's the opposite for me ... when my special needs baby was born, my circle of friends became closer and expanded to include new friends. I couldn't go out much coz it's really challenging to bring my boy out with all his medical conditions. My friends have taken the approach of "if Mohammed can't go to the mountain, the mountain will go to Mohammed" They visit regularly, with tea & snacks in tow, so we would do tea at my place while catching up. We sms often ... I try to go out with them from time to time to take a break while hubby looks after our boy.

I think the fundamental thing is effort on both parts based on the desire to continue, nurture and sustain the friendship.

[angelwendy]

For me i feel that same way too.... now i'm nearly 34 weeks preggy.. & is stay home... but guess what?? no frenz ever ask me out lei.... onli 1 or 2 frenz only will bother to ask this pregnant lady out for coffee... cause i think my frenz will think that alot of place i cannot go.. so won't ask me also.. which i think is quite sad ... but what to do?? actually even my best friend before i preggy untill now also see me 2 times onli... i think is all because i'm among the more early to have baby... they r all still dating & some study... so life is totally diff... i dont't blame them.. but i'm glad that i join this forum to know more mummy.... & they r all my new & understanding frenz...

So i feel that dont't get too upset about this... when your frenz start to have kids of their own.. they will feel the same way as you now.... & also my mind always think of my family & my boy now.. so they dont't really bother me..

[venia_plena]

Originally Posted by angelwendy For me i feel that same way too.... now i'm nearly 34 weeks preggy.. & is stay home... but guess what?? no frenz ever ask me out lei.... onli 1 or 2 frenz only will bother to ask this pregnant lady out for coffee... cause i think my frenz will think that alot of place i cannot go.. so won't ask me also.. which i think is quite sad ... but what to do?? actually even my best friend before i preggy untill now also see me 2 times onli... i think is all because i'm among the more early to have baby... they are all still dating & some study... so life is totally diff... i dont't blame them.. but i'm glad that i join this forum to know more mummy.... & they are all my new & understanding frenz... So i feel that dont't get too upset about this... when your frenz start to have kids of their own.. they will feel the same way as you now.... & also my mind always think of my family & my boy now.. so they dont't really bother me..

Hello Angelwendy mummy..

Congrats to you.. guess you are very excited now and looking forward to your bundle of joy..

haha..thanks for the comfort i guess you are right maybe when they have kids on their own they will be able to understand better..cause i m the only mummy among my frends.. glad to know you here.. when will you be due.. everything well prepared ?

[venia_plena]

Originally Posted by TANZHENZHI I think it's quite normal. As i also have a few close friends but only me get married with baby. We also try to organize gathering once in a few mths. There was once we arrange a meet-up but i couldn't make it as my son was sick that day, so my friend was very angry with me and keep saying i'm a super areoplane queen. But i dont mean it then until now she didn't speak to me as she's angry wit me for not attending the gathering. Anyway for me, family if more impt. I'm sure she'll understand one day when she's married wit family. Really upset sometimes when your close friends dont understand you after so many years of friendship..

hello zhen zhi..

i am in the same plight as you.. and i had tried my best to explain but to no avail.. it quite sad actually cause afterall we know each other for more than 10 year.. so i find a bit 'ke xi' ...

family is important but if can strike a balance it would be the best.. cause at least i can have some time off for sole myself..

[angelwendy]

Originally Posted by venia_plena Hello Angelwendy mummy.. Congrats to you.. guess you are very excited now and looking forward to your bundle of joy.. haha..thanks for the comfort i guess you are right maybe when they have kids on their own they will be able to understand better..cause i m the only mummy among my frends.. glad to know you here.. when will you be due.. everything well prepared ?

Yup i'm very excited.... glad that you dont't feel so upset anymore... mine edd is 1 march.... still got a but of things have not buy...

[camom]

Originally Posted by TANZHENZHI I think it's quite normal. As i also have a few close friends but only me get married with baby. We also try to organize gathering once in a few mths. There was once we arrange a meet-up but i couldn't make it as my son was sick that day, so my friend was very angry with me and keep saying i'm a super areoplane queen. But i dont mean it then until now she didn't speak to me as she's angry wit me for not attending the gathering. Anyway for me, family if more impt. I'm sure she'll understand one day when she's married wit family. Really upset sometimes when your close friends dont understand you after so many years of friendship..

*pat pat*

I am also an aeroplane queen. I think my friends got used to it.. for our last gathering, I didn't turn up cos one of my kids came down with a viral infection. I rather skip the gathering then take the chance & spread the virus to someone else. For the many times I didn't turn up for our appts, they are all due to the kids.

I think if you ask any mommy, they will also do the same thing.

[lynnie85]

Originally Posted by angelwendy For me i feel that same way too.... now i'm nearly 34 weeks preggy.. & is stay home... but guess what?? no frenz ever ask me out lei.... onli 1 or 2 frenz only will bother to ask this pregnant lady out for coffee... cause i think my frenz will think that alot of place i cannot go.. so won't ask me also.. which i think is quite sad ... but what to do?? actually even my best friend before i preggy untill now also see me 2 times onli... i think is all because i'm among the more early to have baby... they are all still dating & some study... so life is totally diff... i dont't blame them.. but i'm glad that i join this forum to know more mummy.... & they are all my new & understanding frenz... So i feel that dont't get too upset about this... when your frenz start to have kids of their own.. they will feel the same way as you now.... & also my mind always think of my family & my boy now.. so they dont't really bother me..

My dear,I do agree what you say! I guess this is normal.. Most of my frenz are also either studying or working..so sometimes, it's not easy to communicate with them and to make them understand our plight...Only mummies will und mummies...and honestly, i enjoy and feel much happy talking to mummies as we have so much to share and agree on..while to frenz, i usually have to tune into their thots and things they talk about...like topic like where they are going to spend their valentine day with, movies they watched,etc..sometimes they do bored me out or sometimes just feel that going out with them make me feel upset as i dont have my personal free time anymore...although true that i have no much free time, i'm still glad i've my boy...as he's always the best gift ever

[Oppsgal]

Originally Posted by venia_plena hello zhen zhi.. i am in the same plight as you.. and i had tried my best to explain but to no avail.. it quite sad actually cause afterall we know each other for more than 10 year.. so i find a bit 'ke xi' ... family is important but if can strike a balance it would be the best.. cause at least i can have some time off for sole myself..

Maybe should call asap before hand to let them know cannot make it for gathering so they wont make a wasted trip. For me I think after have bf, friends will have less. Friends might think too busy "paktor" so dont dare to disturb...

[DodoTan]

Actually, really good firends no need to meet so often still can maintain the friendship one. After we all grad from sch, be it sec, jc or uni, and everyone started working, already started to have gathering less often. Usually during hols or so. After some of us got married and had kids even less. Some of my friends and I only meet once a year or once every 2 years. But in between will sometimes exchange emails or sms-es to see how each other are doing.

During uni, a group of us formed our own choir. Even after most of us started working, still managed to keep the choir going and meet once a week for practice. Even managed to do at least 1 performance a year. Then 3 couples in the choir got married. Then all 3 couples had kids within a few months of each other. Hahaha.. then the choir finally stopped singing. How to practice and perform when 5 out of 6 mummies and daddies all in the choir? hahaha...

[venia_plena]

Originally Posted by angelwendy Yup i'm very excited.... glad that you dont't feel so upset anymore... mine edd is 1 march.... still got a but of things have not buy...

wow..just in about 8 weeks time..your baby will be out to see the world.. 3 cheers for you ) i do feel upset but i hope that they will understand one day.. and not to worry i will be able to find a group of understanding mummies friends just like you..hee.. not to stressed..if you need my help let me know.. me will be more thn glad to help :P

[venia_plena]

Originally Posted by DodoTan Actually, really good firends no need to meet so often still can maintain the friendship one. After we all grad from sch, be it sec, jc or uni, and everyone started working, already started to have gathering less often. Usually during hols or so. After some of us got married and had kids even less. Some of my friends and I only meet once a year or once every 2 years. But in between will sometimes exchange emails or sms-es to see how each other are doing. During uni, a group of us formed our own choir. Even after most of us started working, still managed to keep the choir going and meet once a week for practice. Even managed to do at least 1 performance a year. Then 3 couples in the choir got married. Then all 3 couples had kids within a few months of each other. Hahaha.. then the choir finally stopped singing. How to practice and perform when 5 out of 6 mummies and daddies all in the choir? hahaha...

hello dodo..

guess you are right.. it not about the qty it the quality of time...and most importantly is the how one maintain & sustain the friendship maybe for me and my friend the quality is not there...

[diymummy]

Originally Posted by venia_plena Hi all, is it true that when a woman had become a mummy.. the social circle of friends seems to get smaller and smaller? I really wonder cause this is what happening to me.. it like really scary... my bundle of joy came to me 4 months ago.. then i realized that my world seems to change.. everything is about my baby.. and i used to have ' kopi' session with friends but not anymore cause i got to rush back to look after my baby.. bringing her out is one alternative.. but every time when i bring her out for the whole day.. the babysitter had a hard time looking after her the next time.. she will cry non-stop and i know this an be irritating.. when i try to tell my friends about it.. they dont seem to understand..in fact i had lost a close friend because of my baby.. sob..sob... what should i do?

Hi venia,

Yes, I tend to not meet my non-married/dont't have children friends less because baby takes up most of my time.

What I do is sometimes (like once every 2 mths) I get hubby to watch baby for a night while I go out. Most times, I get my friends to visit me.

It's true that they dont't understand how tired we are and what we go through and our limitations. What I do too is try to update my facebook as often as I can so that they are also in touch somewhat.

[mummy85]

it happens to me as well .. worst still my parent 1 mi 2 take care of my kid instead of going out have fun .. said i had enough fun .. its not fair .. but in order for me to enjoy a day on my own i had to lie alot to em .. its not fun to do such a thing but bo bian ..

[angelia286]

Same here. I used to be out everyday on kopi sessions with my many different groups of friends. However, once I became pregnant, i got excluded out of many activities and they stopped asking me out. Reason being that they dont't want to take responsibility if anything happens to me.

To me, that is just excuses! Anyway, it's alright.. Cause from these incidents, we can most probably see who is our real friends and who are not? Cause those friends who really missed me took their time and the trouble to come by my house for kopis. Unlike those who only knows how to make excuses. Lol.

[adelynn]

i think i'm quite lucky (to a certain extent) i have friends who both 'disappeared' during and after my pregnancy and friends who 'stuck' by and made a special effort to 'keep me included' during my pregnancy.

My office gang have regular drinking and dinner sessions to un-wind after a stressful period or event and during my pregnancy i was dragged along despite me automatically excluding myself due to the big tummy. They even had 'non-alcoholic night' so that i won't be left out. (and if you are wondering, some of them are non-locals; which may explain the difference?)

but of course i need to play my part in putting in effort to participate and politely excuse myself if i feel i'm not up to it.

I guess its the personality of the friends around you and how they view you/the pregnancy.

[venia_plena]

Hi Adelynn,

Nice to hear from you.. perhaps you are right.. maybe it is also boils down to my own personality.. i wont say that i am an introvert but i dont warm up to people very soon.. moreover perhaps i dont really have the sense of humour to tickle people funny bone.. an also maybe because i have to work for long hours and after work i have to take care of my mum before my baby arrival. so most of my time were dedicated to my work and also to my family.. as a result i did not really put in the effort in sustaining the friendship..

this is alos one of the reason why i want to get to know more mummies and we can go out and plan activities together or go holiday together... my pregnancy i wont say i m a happy mum due to some unhappy issues but glad that it is over and now i am tasting the sweetness of my hard work which is my baby raeanne.

guess that enough of myself.. would sincerly like to know you as a friend and when is yr baby due? Boy or girl?

Originally Posted by adelynn i think i'm quite lucky (to a certain extent) i have friends who both 'disappeared' during and after my pregnancy and friends who 'stuck' by and made a special effort to 'keep me included' during my pregnancy. My office gang have regular drinking and dinner sessions to un-wind after a stressful period or event and during my pregnancy i was dragged along despite me automatically excluding myself due to the big tummy. They even had 'non-alcoholic night' so that i won't be left out. (and if you are wondering, some of them are non-locals; which may explain the difference?) but of course i need to play my part in putting in effort to participate and politely excuse myself if i feel i'm not up to it. I guess its the personality of the friends around you and how they view you/the pregnancy.

[adelynn]

Originally Posted by venia_plena Hi Adelynn, Nice to hear from you.. perhaps you are right.. maybe it is also boils down to my own personality.. i wont say that i am an introvert but i dont warm up to people very soon.. moreover perhaps i dont really have the sense of humour to tickle people funny bone.. an also maybe because i have to work for long hours and after work i have to take care of my mum before my baby arrival. so most of my time were dedicated to my work and also to my family.. as a result i did not really put in the effort in sustaining the friendship.. this is alos one of the reason why i want to get to know more mummies and we can go out and plan activities together or go holiday together... my pregnancy i wont say i m a happy mum due to some unhappy issues but glad that it is over and now i am tasting the sweetness of my hard work which is my baby raeanne. guess that enough of myself.. would sincerly like to know you as a friend and when is yr baby due? Boy or girl?

Hey venia_plena

i believe your friends will understand and not blame you if you dont have time for them. the most important thing is the well being of your baby and yourself. live and let live, that's my belief in life so that i can be happy - if i can't change the things then why be unhappy over it? accept it and move on. that's how i see things in life.

i've had my girl, she's 2 1/2 months now. When's your girl due?

[venia_plena]

Originally Posted by angelia286 Same here. I used to be out everyday on kopi sessions with my many different groups of friends. However, once I became pregnant, i got excluded out of many activities and they stopped asking me out. Reason being that they dont't want to take responsibility if anything happens to me. To me, that is just excuses! Anyway, it's alright.. Cause from these incidents, we can most probably see who is our real friends and who are not? Cause those friends who really missed me took their time and the trouble to come by my house for kopis. Unlike those who only knows how to make excuses. Lol.

hello..hello..

Congrat Congrats )..

yeah you are right..if really besties they would have more empathy cause one day they gonna be mummies themselves and we gonna help each other out..the girl Power unite ahaha

[Amulet]

Originally Posted by angelia286 Same here. I used to be out everyday on kopi sessions with my many different groups of friends. However, once I became pregnant, i got excluded out of many activities and they stopped asking me out. Reason being that they dont't want to take responsibility if anything happens to me. To me, that is just excuses! Anyway, it's alright.. Cause from these incidents, we can most probably see who is our real friends and who are not? Cause those friends who really missed me took their time and the trouble to come by my house for kopis. Unlike those who only knows how to make excuses. Lol.

agree!

personally, i have only less than handful of friends to begin with.. im not introvert, but i chose to be close to only those whom i can really click with..

and none of them have left me.. instead, they always ask me to bring baby out to meet them.. they adores her.. but we only meet once in a blue mood as we always do before i got kid.. that's how it is.. most of the time i goes out gaigai alone with baby coz i can control the time..

if you are lonely, why not make more mummy friends instead?

[Fisherman's Friend]

but somhow, i felt that tihs mostly happened to women, for the men, they still continue with their usual drinking sessions, soccer sessions etc. Whereas, you'll often see the women fretting more over the baby and spending lesser time with friends or even herself.

Quite sad huh...