This is a discussion on Going to be Single within the Single Parents Support Group forum, part of the MummySG Special Group category; Hi I have some problem with my relationship with my husband married 11 years and one son 5 years old, ...
I have some problem with my relationship with my husband married 11 years and one son 5 years old, he said he has no feeling for me ... I have been crying for quite sometimes and every nights. We even discuss to try to improve our relationship but no improvement and he said still no feeling. Recently I'm so sad that I suggested to "Divorce". He said that he needs sometime to consider it. He loves my son a lot and I can tell he is very sad too.
What should I do now? I'm ready depression now. I can tell that my child is very sad too because he saw me crying. My son even went to ask him "Do you love mummy" and he said "I love you more".We did not talk at all for weeks.
Is your husband even interested in getting back together? If he is, I would suggest that you two sign up for marriage counselling.
Your son is not his alone. Your son is yours as well. Your son was the fruit of your love. I think your husband need to remember that.
Is there some one close you can talk to? You need to find a close friend or relative you can talk to so that you can feel encouraged and find motivation to go on.
Divorce is always the easy way out. If your husband truly loves your son, he would think about making his wife happy and loving his wife so that his son can understand what it means to love in the first place.
Love is not just a feeling. It is commitment and it needs hard work. It is a choice as well, to stick together through thick and thin.
If your husband can be so fickle in regards to his love with you, I doubt he can truly love his own son.
If your hubby really wanna to save this marriage & giving it a chance... i think go marriage counselling is the best... if he dont't want.. means he already made up his mind.. I feel sorry for you... after being married for 11 years... is not an ez thing to accept when your love one tell you that he got no feeling anymore... Hugz... maybe you sit down with him & talk about it again.. keeping it slient is no help for both of you....
I had suggested to seek advise from marriage consultant but he did not said anything. He is a very quiet person therefore even I asked him question, he will not answer me. He told me first that do you think that we are lack of communicatoin and we seldom talk to each other only thing regarding our son. And before this, he almost scold me and find faults on me daily and we did not hold hands for very long (for years), finally I wake up and think back. Yes, there are some problem between us and we dont't even know it till recently. I felt very hurt that I even think that there is a third party involved but he said no. Because he always stay home after work and every weekends. He's a very family men, he cooks for us every week days even he is very busy with work.
I am very lucky that my parents are very supportive, they even told me that they support any decision I make. But they did said that try to save your relationship because of your son. The most hurt person is your son.
I told him last Friday to give him a deadline by end of this month, tell me what is his decision. Actually I very scare to know what wiil happen. I know I should be brave and strong even without this relationship but it is very hurt. Even we can continue this relationship but how long it will last. To bring back his love to me is not easy.
I agree that bring back the love into relaionship is hard... but is still worth a try... just make an appt & bring him to consultant since he never answer you... actually i hate people to keep quiet when i ask them something... but i feel that at least take the first step out.. if he reject... thats mean the answer is very clear to you already.. right??
I like the proposed amendments to the women's charter announced in the news yesterday. Once it goes through, couples who are considering divorce will undergo compulsory counselling.
Maddybb, I know it pains you a lot when your husband is so nonchalant about your marriage and it hurts even more when you seem to be the only one trying to salvage the relationship while he just sits back and watch. But I agree with the rest of the mummies here. Bite your teeth, do it for yourself, for your child. Even if everything falls through you know that you have tried and you can say that you have tried your best.
I talked to him on last night, he said that he didn't want to end our marriage and didn't want to seek any counseling at all and it was not necessary. I dont't know whether it is because of our son.
He said that one day we will sit down and talk about how to improve it. He's very very busy with works, every night Mon-Sun he works till morning at least 2am. Can anyone tell me how to improve our relationship and make him love me again?
Hi, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can't even begin to imagine what I'd do when faced with the same problem. But I still would like to share my opinion nonetheless. Maybe you could try doing little favors for him, like, you said he stays up late a lot, maybe prepare him coffee or snacks during those late nights? It's not much, but it might make him appreciate you more.
If you still love him, think back about the time when you were first married. What were the small little actions you did for him? What were the small little actions he did for you?
Even if he's busy, our modern world has given us tonnes of ways to communicate. A simple SMS. An email. Even a handwritten note or letter will do.
If he's going to come home late, just leave a note for him on the table or bed.
"If you are hungry, there's [a food he likes] in the fridge. Warm it up to eat. <3"
"Today [your son's name] did something very cute. I videoed it down on my HP. Go take and see. "
"Tomorrow we are going out shopping, you need anything?"
"It's been a long time since we watched a movie, you free this weekend?"
Simple actions can go a long way. It need not be 'saying out loud' right now, but since he doesn't want to end the marriage, something can be worked out.
If he's not willing to see a counsellor, then maybe you could see a counsellor to learn to deal with your anxieties as it's affecting your boy. Then once you are feeling better and not depressed, it's also easier to work things out and talk it out slowly. People who are depressed will act irrationally and it may cause more problems when you sit down to talk.
Empty vessels make the most noise
I agree with stonston. A lot of small things can add up to a lot. Pour him a drink when he gets home. Cook or learn to cook something he likes to eat. Rub his neck when he looks tired. Make him a snack to bring to work. Stuff like that. I think to maintain a relationship, you two need to spend quality time together. Play a stupid game together. Something that relieves stress and makes you two laugh.
How about giving him a good morning n good nite kiss? When going out try to hold his hands? All these small gestures will slowly helps.
I dont't know if this will work for you but every day, before I head off to work, I make it a point to give my hubby a goodbye kiss. And when he comes home, he'll give me a kiss to say hello. Even though we are both very tired (especially him these days because of the amount of work he has in the office - OT every night), I initiate a lot of things just to have some "us" time. We play a card game once a week - just started this and it's really fun!
Urm, what I'm about to say next is x-rated but we're all adults here. I like to grope my hubby and I mean really grope. I'll just walk into the kitchen while he's unloading the dishwasher, hug him and squeeze his butt or crotch - very "sexual harrassment" type of stuff. Sometimes he acts as if he's offended but I know he doesn't mind. He calls me a "sotong" (squid) coz I'm always grabbing him everywhere and often. And I never fail to remind him that the day I stop grabbing him is the day he better start worrying because it means I've lost interest.
My hubby is also not the "hold hands" type of guy but I dont't care. I just hold anyway, when we're out. My rationale is if he doesn't want to do it, I'll do it. At least someone is making an effort rather than both not bothering at all - that's just worse.
dont't give up, k? Half the battle is already won because he doesn't want the marriage to end. Your marriage isn't doomed or dead - it just needs a little bit of TLC and time.
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or try to squeeze out time for a short honeymoon? one which you guys dont't talk anything about your kid.. just simple about the both of you.. one which you guys can spend 1-1 time to get to know each others all over again..
Thanks for all your suggestions. I had tried many ways to save our relationship but dont't work. Can anyone recommend a cheap and good lawyer & estimate how much it costs? He told me that he gave up my son custody. How long is the process for filing separation? I am getting our new house next year and need to go HDB to change to a smaller unit with my son name and my name and lot of procedures with HDB etc. I must settle them before I get my new key.
Your son's only 5. My parents just got divorced and I'm 21. I'm mature enough to understand what's going on but it still hurts me. My mum wanted to divorce ever since I was in kindergarten. They had been living separate lives. My mum tolerated till my sis is 18 which she thinks it's better to divorce after we gain independence.
YOUR SON WILL BE AFFECTED.
I suggest you think again. Your child will be hurt the most. It will be his scar and part of his life history for his next 60++ years.
Be strong. Do more. dont't give up unless you are 200% sure there is no hope.
Can anyone tell me how long to file for separation till the judge announce I can the custody of my son? Three months or half year etc?
What I mean is the time from engage a lawyer for separation to time when the judge announce the custody of my son? I need to know it because I have to settle it before I get my new house key in order to change to a smaller unit with my name and my son. He asked HDB regarding this matter. If not, it will be a big burden for me to support this new house which is 5 rooms flat.
It's actually very hard to say how long it will takes. Cause it depends on the both of you, how fast and how "coorperative" you are.
HDB flat, you both apply together? if yes, then deed of separation need to state clearly, who is going to pay, who is going to have ownership, etc... your lawyer will be able to advice you more....
When I keep quiet, doesn't means I know nothing about what is going on~!!
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