This is a discussion on Are you ashame that you are a single mother? within the Single Parents Support Group forum, part of the MummySG Special Group category; Liang Jia, sooner or later, your son will question. And it's always best to tell them the truth than to ...
Liang Jia, sooner or later, your son will question. And it's always best to tell them the truth than to lie and have to use bigger lies to cover the original lie.
You dunnid to put it so cruelly that his father is abusive. You can just say that his father have not't learn how to control his emotions, so it was better to leave him for the safety of your boy. Tell him that he has to learn from his father's mistake and learn to control his emotions and treat everyone with respect.
I think it's good that you've chosen this path for yourself so that you do not need to live in fear
Maybe you can read some parenting books for single parents (I did see quite a few at NLB). I think the books will be able to help you through parenting your son singlehandedly
Empty vessels make the most noise
Infact, till now i still dont know how to face my relatives. I can tell frankly to my friends, but not relative. You know, CNY sure got to go visitation, then they will sure to ask. Sigh....dont know how to answer to them and how they look at me and my son....
Maybe it is because i have lot of pride...
all singel mummy here, how are you going to answer when you relative asked.
actually, my dad side knows im not married and they are okay with it cos they accepted it.
mum side only some of my relatives know, i think maybe already spread to all but no one said anything . maybe cos we dont meet up much also so doesnt bother me.
my cousin (mum side) also divorce cos her hubby hit her. but he still loved his son very much n take him out.
the real story behind, no one knows. but no one also mention anything about it.
maybe behind they will gossip, but this kinda things, you cant avoid, just pretend never hear .
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
for me, i just ans straight 'im not married'.. i tried to put it plainly across, w/o emotions, or any tinge of shame or what.. normally, ppl just take that and stop asking, unless people who are very close to me ..
my mum's relatives know mostly coz its my mum who break it to them.. i dont know how they react behind me, but infront of me, they are still very kind and nice to me and my girl, so i just take it as that..
i dont know and dont care if my dad's relatives know coz i have not't seen them for years, maybe i couldnt even recognise them anymore! haha
anyway liang`jia, its not your fault at all that you are divorced, so i dont think you need to feel paiseh or worry how they see your son..
I agree totally that there is nothing ashame of being a single mother. I am 1 myself. I thought I was prepared to face the qn when posted to me. I always anticipate the qn and prepare my "answers"... until 1 day, I discover my mom told others that my "husband" was abroard working for 1 yr, so for the time being I'm staying with her...
I was disappointed, but my heartache for my parents... that in their old ages, they have to face the discrimination from others because of me... No amt of apology can amend the hurt I bring to my family. I'm not apologetic to my siblings, because they are old enough to handle their friends. But my parents... they are typical chinese... traditional ones... my heartache for them...
So gradually, I learn to align with their lies too... I was hoping to reduce the pressure they are facing... but again... paper cannot cover fire... 1 fine day the cat will be out of the bag.. then how....
I realise 1 thing, it is not enough for myself Not to be ashame of my single motherhood, but crucial to have my parents not to be ashame of me too... After all, my parents are the only support I have now... (I fell out with my siblings cuz of my baby...)
my mum also told her relatives that i was married.
but i figured out that ppl have known that im not. wasnt too difficult to tell since my girl is already 2 yr plus n they hadnt even met my "hubby" before.
my colleagues know i have a baby, n they think that my current bf is my hubby, so i leave it as that, dont wanna explain much also.
n bf is comfortable with it as we do have plans to marry already.
but i feel bad towards my parents too. esp my mum who fell out with her eldest sister cos she bad mouth about me.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I think we shouldn't bother about what ppl say.....for me, i only meet up with those relative like once a year chinese new year.
But i think it is better to say the truth rather than if they found out themselve and that's when the starts to gossip and even laugh at us and our parents. But very sad to hear that our close relative to bad mouth us even when we are already going thru so much....
For me, i let my parent said the truth rather than i say out myself...i dont know how to face them.
To them, we maybe shameful of doing such. but as long as we are responsible to our dear daughter/dear son and as long as we do our best to give our child the best of life.
Frankly speaking there is nothing to be ashamed of but seriously there is nothing to be proud of......
The writter come from the point of a basic society formation. Its just like Gays/Lesbian cant be going around to say heh, there is nothing wrong about me and Im so proud of myself.
well, all i can say is. we dont live in a perfect world where everything goes our way. but we try to minimise the damage n live the best out of it.
you're welcome amulet.
Last edited by Ting; 29-06-2009 at 11:20 AM.
Hi Liang Jia,
Ya, I'm still thinking of moving out. Still the same with my siblings. But with my brother, it's still managable. With Sis, it's a "Gone with the Wind". Her dog die on Father's Day. That's the point of no return for our sisters relsp.
Now, I'm just not thinking much. Just concentrate on getting a car licence first... My heart cheers all the way to moving out. But again, lots of logistics/finance to iron out first... working hard at it still...
Good to know that we have friends here facing the same situation. Ya, already my neighbours casting a doubtful look, never seen my "husband". For those who know about "my husband oversea", ya, thaks Amulet on the suggustion on Divorced. I'm planning to do that. At workplace, I just keep quiet even when they ask why I'm back so fast from the maternity.. wht I'm married... bla bla bla... I just smiled and divert the topics... very siansiah to entertain such pple.
It's an imperfect world we are living in indeed... be it whether it is out of concern or curiousity, it's just not the right time right place to ask such question. Sometime I wonder whether anyone will come back to me asking "Hey, you are Joybliss on SGMummy right! Know it from your writing style"... Good also... a relief, nothing to be ashame, at least we single mummy are brave enuff to face our mistake. I wonder how many pple can do that? We should be proud and I am
I'm getting pranoid I think... stay for bonus bonus, dont think so much 1st... $$$ is very impt. Cheers!
Last edited by JoyBliss; 02-07-2009 at 05:28 PM.
Perhaps it's because I'm married to an angmoh and exposed to his culture that I take a very liberal view about what & how people lead their lives. Over there, being single with a kid is not a big deal, and neither is having a kid without getting married (as a couple). It's not because morals are loose but because you achieve NOTHING by judging people. In fact, in France (where my husband is from), single mothers get more support and welfare than couples because the government realised that it's single parents who have difficulty providing a good life for their children. You dont't see kids rushing out every day to be single parents!
I believe that NO ONE starts out wanting to be a single parent and that life has a shitty way of throwing curveballs at us when we least expect it. Sometimes it's a small thing and sometimes it's a huge thing like a useless/abusive/crappy/etc partner.
IF being a single parent means taking responsibility for your actions in any way whatsoever, then you have my support and respect. It's not easy to be a parent, let alone a SINGLE parent.
Single parents especially single mothers are often judged to have loose morals and such but no one ever questions the responsibility or actions of the other party involved in the whole baby-making thing - the father. We are quick to label unwed pregnant mummies as sluts and make them feel guilty for wanting to carry a child to term and care for him/her but what about the father who refuses to do anything or be responsible? Most societies dont't even care to provide child support to single parents or make sure that the father pays some form of child support - this is wrong. It takes two to make a baby.
While we shouldn't encourage such practices openly, we also shouldn't sideline and punish those who have already made a mistake. Two wrongs dont't make a right. I feel that single parents should be given more protection and support legally as well as socially NOT just labelled as mistakes and then sidelined.
Last edited by meiteoh; 02-07-2009 at 08:20 PM.
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Yep, Mei, sadly it is still a very much asian culture here. Not to be political about it, but how many times i was knocking at doors that shut on me... But I respect the policy established, but I really hope there are more bodies that can help single parent, unmarried ones...
The special group set up here brings so much joy and relief to me really. Just the sharing of thoughts is already a big consolation... i suppose I should read up more on single parent parenting.... any good recommendation my dear friends?
my dear... you shldnt & muznt b ashamed dat you r a single mother, b it unwed or divorced... itz not your fault dat you choose 2 bcome 1... circumstances forced it...
my mum & my mother in law r also single mum bt so what? they still carry on w their lives & no 1 oppse or what coz other ppl know y they choose 2 b a single mum...
those ppl who despised single mums coz they dont know what gg on... they simply have prejudice against single mums...
so my dear dont b ashamed of it... if you r ashamed of bein a single mum then what will happen 2 your child when he/she grows up? you 1 him/her 2 hung their heads dwn when they walk? b brave... stand up w pride & then your child will feel e same 2...
no1 shld discriminate single mums... they r e bravest mothers...
I just realise that the thread started in flowerpod not here. Why not channel your views over there, at least let the TS over the other side hear your views. He/She cant see anything here, unless he/she is a member here.
Hi everyone... I just give birth to a lovely son and i am a single mom... And i really wish to know more and make friends with single mom out there... Being single mom is tough... we need as many friends as we can get...