Parents rejecting their special child

Just wanted to share a true story I read in a book written by medical social workers in Singapore.

There was this baby that was born with multiple genetic abnormalities at birth and had to be hospitalised for 6 months. The MSW wrote that the parents never came to visit. When she contacted them, they said they had lost their jobs and were busy finding new ones, and the husband had medical appointments to keep. They tried unsuccessfully to send the baby home.

She wrote that the parents once commented on the child "He's so ugly. The way he eats is like a dog."

When the child was in critical condition and passed away in hospital one night, the parents only came the next morning.

At first I was filled with disbelief when I read this. But on second thought it seems like rejection is not uncommon.

Nurses told me of a case in sg where the parents could deal with the Trisomy 18 diagnosis (Vera's) and left the baby in a hospice. The baby died shortly after.

Parents who love your special child, you have already done so much for them, because I believe these kids thrive on love.
 

Ting

Well-Known Member
oh my.. my heart goes out to those lil angels.
some parents r really so cruel.. even though the kids may be different, but its their own flesh n blood afterall. they r treating them worst than pets...
this is such cold hard facts of life...
 

Angelmum

Moderator
Probably knew they'll hv an unusual child but didnt expect so drastic + costly. Maybe rejection, couldnt accept the naked fact or plain heartless .... let the child breath his/her last alone 自生自灭.

maybe some dont wan to create a bond, see and remember their new born's face .... when real parting comes, the sorrow is even greater!

So in my opinion, if knew abnormal I would abort. If born long ago then diagnos, like my case, no choice lo, own flesh n blood. No such thing as reformat or recycle for better use.
 

Domique

Well-Known Member
hear already very heart pain....
sob sob

Just wanted to share a true story I read in a book written by medical social workers in Singapore.

There was this baby that was born with multiple genetic abnormalities at birth and had to be hospitalised for 6 months. The MSW wrote that the parents never came to visit. When she contacted them, they said they had lost their jobs and were busy finding new ones, and the husband had medical appointments to keep. They tried unsuccessfully to send the baby home.

She wrote that the parents once commented on the child "He's so ugly. The way he eats is like a dog."

When the child was in critical condition and passed away in hospital one night, the parents only came the next morning.

At first I was filled with disbelief when I read this. But on second thought it seems like rejection is not uncommon.

Nurses told me of a case in sg where the parents could deal with the Trisomy 18 diagnosis (Vera's) and left the baby in a hospice. The baby died shortly after.

Parents who love your special child, you have already done so much for them, because I believe these kids thrive on love.
 

gzifa

Member
That is very very saddening to hear.

My son was diagnosed with multiple genetic disorders too when I was mid-way through my pregnancy. Unfortunately, he never survived. Doctors foresaw that he would have the same plight as that little boy if he were born. Mine passed away when I was in my third trimester.

It's never been easy coping with the loss. I dont't know how can the parents simply abandon him, but perhaps they are in shock/loss/frustration/depression.

No words can describe the devastation I felt when I knew my child was going to die soon, the anguish was a lot worse than when he really died.

I spent my last few weeks with my baby meaningfully. Doing everything I craved (hoping it was somehow making my son happy), singing songs which made him kick and respond, and telling him how much I love him. While I can't understand their behaviour, my heart goes out to them and their baby.
 
i can't imagine what you must have gone through...to carry a life yet know that it won't live long. Coincidentally, Trisomy 18 (Vera's condition) most pass away in utero as well.

hope you are healing...

That is very very saddening to hear.

My son was diagnosed with multiple genetic disorders too when I was mid-way through my pregnancy. Unfortunately, he never survived. Doctors foresaw that he would have the same plight as that little boy if he were born. Mine passed away when I was in my third trimester.

It's never been easy coping with the loss. I dont't know how can the parents simply abandon him, but perhaps they are in shock/loss/frustration/depression.

No words can describe the devastation I felt when I knew my child was going to die soon, the anguish was a lot worse than when he really died.

I spent my last few weeks with my baby meaningfully. Doing everything I craved (hoping it was somehow making my son happy), singing songs which made him kick and respond, and telling him how much I love him. While I can't understand their behaviour, my heart goes out to them and their baby.
 

gzifa

Member
TQ 4 ur kind words. =) Very very much appreciated.

As for coping, it's a try, everyday. Helps that I have an superbly understanding partner and family.

i can't imagine what you must have gone through...to carry a life yet know that it won't live long. Coincidentally, Trisomy 18 (Vera's condition) most pass away in utero as well.

hope you are healing...
 

Angelmum

Moderator
My son was diagnosed with multiple genetic disorders too when I was mid-way through my pregnancy. Unfortunately, he never survived. Doctors foresaw that he would have the same plight as that little boy if he were born. Mine passed away when I was in my third trimester.

After my angel, I had a 3rd unplanned pregnancy. Discovered foetus abnormal thus aborted close to 12wks. Mummy had shortened its breathing time .... Was told foetus wont survive till full-term, did 2 scans (2 visits) to cfm.

Thou gone, this No3 will still have a place in our hearts (believe u too).

Did u do any test on the unborn to find out what caused that multiple genetic disorders? Hope u hv healed mentally n ready to try another.
 

gzifa

Member
Hi Angelmum, so sorry to hear you went thru the same thing. I know how hard it is. Hope you have begun to heal and move on.

Yes, I discovered the abnormalities at about 5.5mths, when I went for the detailed scan. Went to 3 or 4 different gynaes for opinions.. all said the same thing, that he cannot survive.

We're not ready to have another just as yet, his EDD was Aug 28th (just a few days ago). We want to be emotionally and mentally healed before having another. Scared with all these emotions, we place too much stress and expectations (or lack of) on the next pregnancy.

I hope to have a child next year though, work in early childhood field for more than 8 years now, being wanting a child of my own since I was 20!

Oh, btw, we decided against doing the testing. We had agreed on testing initially, but when I gave birth to him, he looked so 'normal' physically, like any other baby, we didn't have the heart to send him for 'testings'. So we named him, spent a few moments with him (I made sure I didn't cry those moments, wanted it to be a happy moment with my baby) and let him go.

After my angel, I had a 3rd unplanned pregnancy. Discovered foetus abnormal thus aborted close to 12wks. Mummy had shortened its breathing time .... Was told foetus wont survive till full-term, did 2 scans (2 visits) to cfm.

Thou gone, this No3 will still have a place in our hearts (believe you too).

Did you do any test on the unborn to find out what caused that multiple genetic disorders? Hope you have healed mentally and ready to try another.
 

Angelmum

Moderator
Hi Angelmum, so sorry to hear you went thru the same thing. I know how hard it is. Hope you have begun to heal and move on.

We want to be emotionally and mentally healed before having another. Scared with all these emotions, we place too much stress and expectations (or lack of) on the next pregnancy.
hi
Physical wounds easy to heal but no matter how bad memory or cheerful on the appearance, I know I lost somebody close 5yrs ago (so long but seemed like happened yesterday).

Not sure whether you in confinement cos my mum asked me to do a mini 2 weeks conf. During conf, I cried when there's nobody cos didnt want anybody to worry. I even rang SOS hotline for a listening ear... not really useful (maybe because I find it hard to share my pain or open the real ME) . I cant wait to get back home (husband took leave to babysit while I recuperate w/o the kids at my mum's place) as well as work cos I need to make myself busy and occupied. Realised 2 ways to 'heal faster' is to make myself busy and create my own pte sad inner feeling blog. I got kind of frustrated with ppl telling me 'what did you do/eat during your preg' or 'dont worry you still young to have another' . Maybe that's why I turned away from human .... kept typing and typing .... so when ppl talk to me or asked about no3, I no longer tear easily, I could finish 'my story' with sadness but not those uncontrollable tears.

Could b an coincidence cos that morning I did D&C, my niece was born. I treat it like my foetus has chosen a better 'body' to live in. My sister In law commented my niece resembles me when I was her age .... what a consolation! Too bad, my niece not very close to me (seldom see her cos dont live nearby).

Hope you will get over soon.
In my theory, get over doesnt mean I've or I'll forget what happened. It means I've accepted reality of loss, readjusting and reinvesting my energy and strength for my life ahead... my children needed mummy to be well for them.
 
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gzifa

Member
No, the EDD was 28/8, however, I gave birth to him on 24/4, that's when he passed away.

Yes, my mom did make me go thru a 2 weeks confinement too. For many months after that, I isolated myself from alot of people. I still am sort of. Don't socialize as much as I used to. Happens to be, I was pregnant around the same time as 2 cousins, and 3 friends. So all gave birth already, which makes me feel alot more worse.

Have thrown in all my energy and anguish into my business, it keeps me distracted and the exhaustion is the only thing that helps me sleep at night.

Yes, what you say is very true. We came to a conclusion that we will never outcome his death, but we are slowly accepting his passing and rejoice in the fact that he's found eternal happiness. =)

Any tips for good gynaes? I must say I was greatly let down by many gynaes thru this process. I was turned away by MANY gynaes who gave very lame reasons:
- I having complications
- I was a subsidized KKH patient, therefore they assumed I can't afford their services.
- Was finally seen to be a Thomson Medical gynae, who later refused to follow-up with my checkups, citing reasons that I wasn't his patient from day 1.

Hope to find a good gynae before I plan for my 2nd child.
 

Angelmum

Moderator
Any tips for good gynaes? I must say I was greatly let down by many gynaes thru this process. I was turned away by MANY gynaes who gave very lame reasons:
- I having complications
- I was a subsidized Kandang Kerbau Hospital patient, therefore they assumed I can't afford their services.
- Was finally seen to be a Thomson Medical gynae, who later refused to follow-up with my checkups, citing reasons that I wasn't his patient from day 1.

Hope to find a good gynae before I plan for my 2nd child.

My gynaes are a disappointment so wont recommend them. I guess how good the gynaes are also depend on our luck. My 1st gynae was highly recommended by my aunt and a lot of forumers.

1st gynae - Dr Wee, had clinic at Thomson Medical and Jurong Point. He let me tear badly/naturally when gave birth to a 3.4kg baby. Was a bad tear and I couldnt walk w/o feeling extremely pain for 3wks. He didnt provide a new mum enough info nor chat. My consultation + scan very fast. :117:

2nd - KKH, subsidised thus dont get to see a specific Dr. When I told gynaes I felt uneasy about pregnancy (b4 my angel was a foetus with no heart beat at 9wks :001_07:), REQUESTED for detailed test during 1st tri but they just brushed me off or pretend didnt hear :mad:. End up having a child with special needs.

My sis and SIL were seeing different gynaes at Mt Alveria. I think can screen/interview the gynaes that forumers recommend. A Dr who made u felt comfortable, knowledge, patient enough to answer all yr questions no matter how silly they seemed, looks approachable + pricing reasonable = green light. Shortlist 3 and 'Shop' for yr ideal gynae :D. Sometimes ought to show these so call professional, we paying for svc not for regrets. ;)
 

jasobias

Well-Known Member
Hi mummies,
decide to share my story with you guys here too.

I too lost a baby at 23 weeks.I had no choice but to terminate it.I had consulted 4 diff drs for opinions and it was all the same..my baby had no hope of survival at all.She was already dying.To be told something like tht is heart wrenching.I felt like someone had stabbed me in my heart.She had multiple defects.Firstly her bladder was grossly distended coz she was not passing urine.She had 3 kidneys which were muliti cystic.Coz bladder was pushing her organs upwards,her heart was out of place and her lungs were hardly noticeable even.Further tests showed tht she was suffering heart failure and was bleeding internally.Told drs to do something.But they said tht although tranfusion was a possibility they were not gonna do it as she was very sick.

I really really wanted to keep her.I told myself i wld be there for her no matter how many surgeries she needed but drs said she will not even make it to third trimester.I cld feel her kick in me and it felt so real.Couldnt believe i was losing her.No dr cld give me even the tiniest of hopes.They held a meeting with the other drs and then told me tht there really was nothing they cld do for her.

The birth process was very long and painful(both physically and emotionally).Took me 3 days to dilate.When i delivered her and looked at her,she was perfect in every way.Cldnt believe for a sec tht her internals were all messed up.She was a perfect little angel to me.I wish for tht moment tht my heart wld stop beating so i cld die with her and take care of her.I went into terrible depression.All those consoling me cldnt find the right words or any words i guess.I didnt want to be consoled ..i wanted my baby back.

My boys didnt understand why she had to die.But they were firm in their believes tht God wld heal her and send her back to us.Thts wht they wld tell everyone.

We had a little blessing for her by the priests,we named her,had her cremated and her ashes strewn into the sea.I told myself she is going back to God who wld heal her and send her back to me.

6 weeks later i was pregnant.Without a doubt my boys told me God has send back our baby and it is most definately a girl!I refused to go for any testings but my gynae insisted coz she said its still better to be informed.I would keep my baby no matter what.She is now 6 weeks old and she looks strikingly like the baby we lost.She has a very rounded head and the same bow shaped mouth.I do feel like God has given me a miracle.She is healthy.
On sept 19 wld be 1 year since baby jasmine passed away and i feel a sense of loss still.Post mortem reports showed tht she was really sick and wldnt have made it past a few more weeks but thts no consolation to a grieving mum.A child lost is a child lost.How can any mum get past tht?
 

gzifa

Member
My sis and sister In law were seeing different gynaes at Mt Alveria. I think can screen/interview the gynaes that forumers recommend. A Dr who made you felt comfortable, knowledge, patient enough to answer all your questions no matter how silly they seemed, looks approachable + pricing reasonable = green light. Shortlist 3 and 'Shop' for your ideal gynae :D. Sometimes ought to show these so call professional, we paying for svc not for regrets. ;)
Angelmum:
Yes, I feel that too, the gynaes (both private & govt subsidized) were always in a rush. They kept brushing aside every concern of mine. I was hugely disappointed, especially since the pvt gynae came highly recommended. Plus, the private ones kept emphasizing that they are EXPENSIVE and I won't be able to afford since I came from KKH. Although I had very different reasons for going KKH. The recession just started (early 09) and my business was just picking up. It was unplanned pregnancy, and we decided I'll go subsidized if I was having a healthy pregnancy (which I was) and keep the money for after-birth instead.

I think you're right, I probably will read more into the gynaes and visit a few before coming to a decision.
 

gzifa

Member
Hi mummies
Hi jasobias:
Thank you for sharing your experience. While 'happy' is not the right word, it feels a little heartening to know that there are other moms who have been through what I did. I surfed the i-net endlessly trying to find someone to relate my feelings to, and found no1.

While my birth process was relatively short (about 10 hours) I was having contractions non-stop through-out the time. The last 4-5hours, it went to every 30 secs. I was also very very disappointed that when I checked-in, they told me that I will be giving birth in the normal ward, and not delivery ward. Luckily, we took a single bedder. The pain was absolutely un-bearable that I was screaming my head of for hours end, and the nurses kept scolding me. The gynae who was supposed to be there at 12am, only came nearly 9am (the next morning). My baby was born at 8:22am. It was the ward's receptionist/clerk (not nurse) who was there when my water-broke and baby came out. I had to do the whole thing myself, and I was a first-time mummy.

I was initially very angry, and wanted to pursue the matter, but we were too upset over our loss, and now I can't be bothered anymore. I guess private doesn't really mean better service or quality. :(

I can't say much for KKH either. The sub-clinic specifically told me that my baby is dying, and she told me to come back 4 weeks later and "see what to do". Feeling lost, I went to the Private Suite to hoping get a pvt gynae and get another opinion. I was told, I quote, "If you miscarry/baby dies, you usually will know. So you can come back then to the 24hr clinic."

I too felt my son kicking me up till the time he passed away. I can almost know the exact moment he died. The kicking was fading, and then it stopped.

To make matters worse, I had someone spreading rumors that I was jealous of her baby, since I didn't attend her son's first birthday. Which coincidentally was the day after I found out my son was dying. She also tarnished my business, saying my son deserved to die because I was divorced before (I don't see how is that logical), etc... It just made everything harder, as I found out about it from a customer, just days after Isaac's (my son) death. It made me so upset, I think I was slipping into a depressive state. Thankfully, after fulfilling my mom's 2 wk confinement, we took a short vacation away from everyone. I think the trip really helped me gain my perspective again. I decided to put her ill words aside, and move on with my business and regaining my life.

So happy for you that you conceived again. Yes, I too feel in many ways, God sent her back to you, and it's so sweet how your boys believe in the miracle too. I'm sure u treasure her very much, I'm praying for mine hopefully next year, and praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby too.
 

susinlim

New Member
Just like to share this poem which will not fail to touch my heart whenever I read it:

"A meeting was held quite far from earth...
'It's time again for another birth...'
Said the angels to the Lord above,
'This special child will need much love'...

His progress may seem very slow
Accomplishments he may not show
And he'll require extra care
From the folks he meets way down there...

He may not run or laugh or play
His thoughts may seem quite far away
In many ways he won't adapt
And he'll be known as handicapped

So let's be careful where he's sent
We want his life to be content
Please Lord find the parents who will do
A special Job for you...

They will not realise straight away
The leading role they're asked to play
But with this special child sent from above
Comes stronger faith and richer love...

And soon they'll know
The priviledge given in caring for this
Gift from Heaven
This precious charge so meek and mild
Is heaven's very special child...

(Author, unknown)

A christian I'm not but I truly 'endorse' this reading very close to heart... hope you all find special meaning in it as well...
 

jasobias

Well-Known Member
hi gzifa,
its terrible tht u had to face such unpleasant pple.If it were me i wld confront them n kick their asses.No child deserves to die or be sick.Wht a horrible thing for tht moron to say.Wht the hell is wrong with these pple?
I too went away after 1 month.Me i went to USA with my family to stay with my in laws for 2 months.My hubby had told them prior to our arrival not to ask me anything abt our baby.By time i came back fr the trip i was a diff person coz i was already preggers. Heard some rumors too tht some pple were saying.."wah..so fast pregnant again ah?cannot wait is it?"I wish i knew who were those morons coz i wld go kick their ass.Some pple i realise just cant be happy or supportive of others.
N kk is the worst hospital ard.I delivered too in normal ward..4 bedder..during visiting hrs.Yelling n screaming.Though they say drs wld not be present during birth,2 drs came running to my aid,one of them heavily pregnant.
I hope God grants u your miracle soon!
 

Angelmum

Moderator
6 weeks later i was pregnant.Without a doubt my boys told me God has send back our baby and it is most definately a girl!I refused to go for any testings but my gynae insisted coz she said its still better to be informed.I would keep my baby no matter what.She is now 6 weeks old and she looks strikingly like the baby we lost.She has a very rounded head and the same bow shaped mouth.I do feel like God has given me a miracle.She is healthy.
On sept 19 wld be 1 year since baby jasmine passed away and i feel a sense of loss still.Post mortem reports showed tht she was really sick and wldnt have made it past a few more weeks but thts no consolation to a grieving mum.

Normally ppl say after a miscarriage or loss of foetus, better to let body recuperate and rest well for next pregnancy. I'm delighted u 'got back yr girl'.

Happy BD to her in advance :tlaugh::Dancing_wub:



A child lost is a child lost.How can any mum get past tht?
In my theory, get over doesnt mean I've or I'll forget what happened. It means I've accepted reality of loss, readjusting and reinvesting my energy and strength for my life ahead... my children needed mummy to be well for them.
 

Angelmum

Moderator
The pain was absolutely un-bearable that I was screaming my head of for hours end, and the nurses kept scolding me. The gynae who was supposed to be there at 12am, only came nearly 9am (the next morning). My baby was born at 8:22am. It was the ward's receptionist/clerk (not nurse) who was there when my water-broke and baby came out. I had to do the whole thing myself, and I was a first-time mummy.

I was initially very angry, and wanted to pursue the matter, but we were too upset over our loss, and now I can't be bothered anymore. I guess private doesn't really mean better service or quality. :(

..... I'm praying for mine hopefully next year, and praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby too.

Paid and get rotten svc. :mfrown::realmad:

Even thou we under subsidy, those gynae in C clinic still get same salary + there's std time for each patient (not pay more get more time), they dont suffer any pay cut due to our subsidy so I dont understand why we had to be treated like :9898: or not offered adequate care/attention:wemad:.

kk is the worst hospital around.I delivered too in normal ward..4 bedder..during visiting hours.Yelling and screaming.Though they say drs wld not be present during birth,2 drs came running to my aid,one of them heavily pregnant.
I hope God grants you your miracle soon!
What I understand for Kandang Kerbau Hospital is that no matter what class you are paying, gynae are only responsible to sew you or step in for complications, not to stay with you during delivery, the midwives do all these.

gzifa, good luck for your Plan B!
 
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gzifa

Member
Yes indeed. Paid for rotten serv. Was requested to write an article for Today's Motherhood about my baby, hope it creates more awareness, and a turn for the better in the future.
 
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