A secret of mine

[lipssmacker]

It will take me a lot of courage to type down all these.

It will. The fact that I've kept quiet, kept it to myself for so many years will tell how difficult it is to put it down here all at once & for all.

13 freaking years of silence!!!!

I am someone who loves to write down my feelings everytime something upsets me. But not for this incident. Never will I ever imagine myself telling these out.

No one knows a single bit of these. Not my best friend, not my husband, not my parents. NO ONE!

Because, HE is my cousin, my dad's nephew. And no one would probably ever want to believe what I say.

Actually I had very very bad childhood during my younger days.

Ranging from the constant beating from my dad to being abused by babysitter to being MOLESTED. Yes, molested.

(Well, this really take a toll on me because I just went on to surf the net for like 30mins before coming back to continue.)

As I was saying, yea, being abused by babysitter when I was in my kindergarden school days.

That aside because all of them know I'm being abused only after I am not under her care anymore.

So, this memory of it still lingers within me and is still vivid throughout this entire 13 years.

The start.

It was always a joyous stayover at my cousin's house in Jurong West. With my cousin Sharon who is 3 days younger than me & also her elder brother which I can't even recall his name. Well, I use to call him Korkor.

So 1 fine night when I'm sleeping on the floor in my cousin Sharon room, something woke me up.

Something caressing not my body BUT my private part. The side of my private part. *fuck, whenever I think of it, it just makes me feel so sick!*

Ok, the constant caressing woke me up and I was very very scared. I don't know what to do being just a 9 year old girl at that time.

My heart was racing fast. And he did not stop, he continue to chat with me while I laid there on the mattress under his mercy. I didn't dare to even scream because I'm so afraid of being accused of telling lies and will end up getting beaten by my dad if my aunt were to tell him.

I remember Korkor asking me this while still fucking caressing the same area. " Do you know what happen to the other part of the world when our side is night time?" Then he continue, " The other part of the world turns into day because the earth rotates."

After that, I forgot what happened.

Bolder.

Then the next day while we are playing, I became very wary towards him. Then, he offered to piggy back me. Well, what can I say? I stupidly agreed and once he piggy backed me, his both hands went under my private parts AGAIN. Instead of holding my legs for support, his hands went there.

Even till now, whenever I see anybody piggy backing my girl, I will still have the phobia of it and will always be reminded of the damn incident.

My cousin Sharon in fact, know what's going on. She even told me : " Orh, I tell your father that my korkor touch your "kai kai" (means private part for her in cantonese). "

I was very very afraid at that moment and just nice, my aunt was going for her dialysis at Clementi so I took the chance to say I want to go home.

After which, I never dare to go for any stayover at my aunt's house and never even dare to look into Kor kor's eyes. I just felt so ashamed. So embarassed.

Till now, I hate him for causing me all these phobias, all these lifelong memories that cannot be erased no matter how.

And now whenever I see my girl playing closely with my side's cousins, I will always be on a lookout fearing that the same thing will happen to her.

I suppose, all these phobias will not go away even till the day I die. And no one would probably know about this in anytime to come or future. They would probably think that I'm cooking up stories and not believe me.

Maybe some of you may ask, WHY AFTER 13 YEARS THEN SPEAK UP?

Easy, because it is really very vexing, tormenting to be reminded of what happen every now and then.

A simple action, can remind me of the incident.

 

[Ting]

sorry to hear what u've been thru...
it must hv been very traumatising..
for a young girl at such a tender age, how helpless u must hv felt..
it is something u will live with for the rest of your life, but something u must accept that hv happened b4 u can really move on with life..
it wont be easy at all..
i would suggest u speak to a professional abt this. counsellors or anyone else tts close to u in your family..
bcos, again, he might be doing it to another poor child in your family.. what if it happened to your own girl?
u nvr know, maybe some other relative (or cousin) in your family also went thru this shit from this sicko.


but, if u hv spoken up at tt point of time, maybe to a aunt, your mum or grandma, things might hv been different...
of cos, i know it would be very hard for u cos u were only so young..
be strong, n i hope u can move on n live a happier life.



also, since pin was only 1 year plus n can understand me, we've been telling her cannot let ppl touch her pte part. only me, my parents n sisters (besides her teachers who bathe her in sch) can touch there when we bathe n change her, n also i'm teaching her to clean her pte part herself now...
even her daddy also dun bathe n change her.. he let her wear her diapers herself.

 

[angelwendy]

It will take me a lot of courage to type down all these.

It will. The fact that I've kept quiet, kept it to myself for so many years will tell how difficult it is to put it down here all at once & for all.

13 freaking years of silence!!!!

I am someone who loves to write down my feelings everytime something upsets me. But not for this incident. Never will I ever imagine myself telling these out.

No one knows a single bit of these. Not my best friend, not my husband, not my parents. NO ONE!

Because, HE is my cousin, my dad's nephew. And no one would probably ever want to believe what I say.

Actually I had very very bad childhood during my younger days.

Ranging from the constant beating from my dad to being abused by babysitter to being MOLESTED. Yes, molested.

(Well, this really take a toll on me because I just went on to surf the net for like 30mins before coming back to continue.)

As I was saying, yea, being abused by babysitter when I was in my kindergarden school days.

That aside because all of them know I'm being abused only after I am not under her care anymore.

So, this memory of it still lingers within me and is still vivid throughout this entire 13 years.

The start.

It was always a joyous stayover at my cousin's house in Jurong West. With my cousin Sharon who is 3 days younger than me & also her elder brother which I can't even recall his name. Well, I use to call him Korkor.

So 1 fine night when I'm sleeping on the floor in my cousin Sharon room, something woke me up.

Something caressing not my body BUT my private part. The side of my private part. *fuck, whenever I think of it, it just makes me feel so sick!*

Ok, the constant caressing woke me up and I was very very scared. I dont't know what to do being just a 9 year old girl at that time.

My heart was racing fast. And he did not stop, he continue to chat with me while I laid there on the mattress under his mercy. I didn't dare to even scream because I'm so afraid of being accused of telling lies and will end up getting beaten by my dad if my aunt were to tell him.

I remember Korkor asking me this while still fucking caressing the same area. " Do you know what happen to the other part of the world when our side is night time?" Then he continue, " The other part of the world turns into day because the earth rotates."

After that, I forgot what happened.

Bolder.

Then the next day while we are playing, I became very wary towards him. Then, he offered to piggy back me. Well, what can I say? I stupidly agreed and once he piggy backed me, his both hands went under my private parts AGAIN. Instead of holding my legs for support, his hands went there.

Even till now, whenever I see anybody piggy backing my girl, I will still have the phobia of it and will always be reminded of the damn incident.

My cousin Sharon in fact, know what's going on. She even told me : " Orh, I tell your father that my korkor touch your "kai kai" (means private part for her in cantonese). "

I was very very afraid at that moment and just nice, my aunt was going for her dialysis at Clementi so I took the chance to say I want to go home.

After which, I never dare to go for any stayover at my aunt's house and never even dare to look into Kor kor's eyes. I just felt so ashamed. So embarassed.

Till now, I hate him for causing me all these phobias, all these lifelong memories that cannot be erased no matter how.

And now whenever I see my girl playing closely with my side's cousins, I will always be on a lookout fearing that the same thing will happen to her.

I suppose, all these phobias will not go away even till the day I die. And no one would probably know about this in anytime to come or future. They would probably think that I'm cooking up stories and not believe me.

Maybe some of you may ask, WHY AFTER 13 YEARS THEN SPEAK UP?

Easy, because it is really very vexing, tormenting to be reminded of what happen every now and then.

A simple action, can remind me of the incident.

It must have been hard for u for so many years.. i can understand ur phobias & ur worries when ur gal is playing with ur cousin.. cause in ur heart u still remember wat happen... & i know is not ez to forget... just keep a look out when ur gal is playing with other frenz or relative... if u reali think that this still bother u now... i mean if it really affect u alot now... u should talk to someone... like a counseller or someone that can help u to heal... i knw is hard to even not think about it... but i'm sure one day u will walk out of it...

 

[Phoebii Cheng]

Yes like what Ting & wendy says, talk it out to someone...open up ur heart and move on

 

[lipssmacker]

sorry to hear what you've been thru...
it must have been very traumatising..
for a young girl at such a tender age, how helpless you must have felt..
it is something you will live with for the rest of your life, but something you must accept that have happened before you can really move on with life..
it wont be easy at all..
i would suggest you speak to a professional about this. counsellors or anyone else tts close to you in your family..
bcos, again, he might be doing it to another poor child in your family.. what if it happened to your own girl?
you never know, maybe some other relative (or cousin) in your family also went thru this shit from this sicko.


but, if you have spoken up at that point of time, maybe to a aunt, your mum or grandma, things might have been different...
of cos, i know it would be very hard for you cos you were only so young..
be strong, n i hope you can move on n live a happier life.



also, since pin was only 1 year plus n can understand me, we've been telling her cannot let ppl touch her pte part. only me, my parents n sisters (besides her teachers who bathe her in sch) can touch there when we bathe n change her, n also i'm teaching her to clean her pte part herself now...
even her daddy also dont bathe n change her.. he let her wear her diapers herself.

Hi Ting,

Thanks for the encouraging words. Yes, it is VERY traumatise to me.

On and off, it just comes back to haunt me. And since it has already been so long, I am not sure what kind of reply or remarks will people give if I were to talk to them.

Me and my dad's side relatives hasn't been contacting since many years ago.

But I just went to attend my DA GU's funeral 2 years back. This DA GU is that beast cousin's mum.

I don't how to describe my feeling when I saw him at the funeral. The sudden gush of ANGER and ASHAME is so overwhelming that I feel like either digging a hole to hide or take a knife to stab him.

I got no choice but to attend because my dad wants us to at least show some respect.

It irks me so much to see that cousin.

Oh, I happen to be the youngest at that point of time. We're the only cousins. The rest of my dad's sibling never get married at all.

 

[Ting]

ic, but bcos it happened 13 years ago, whatever that is said now, perhaps wont be strong enough for ppl to take action.
but believe in karma, for this sicko will get what he deserve..
not tt i wanna be evil or curse him, but this shit might end up on his own kids.
but still, if u really need to speak to someone, seek professional help. they can slowly lead u out of this fear n then u will be able to move on n be happy.
i believe u r still very young, u wont want tt burden to be with u forever right??

be strong.

 

[apollo]

babe, sry to hear that.. i'm sure ur life isnt easy for the past 13yrs.. it is good that you r willing to tell us what had happened to u aft 13yrs. at least this means that u're willing to face what had happened. once u're willing to face it, u will be able to let go (sooner or later).

it is very sickening to hear tt there is such a beast ard! but lik wat Ting said, i also believe in karma. it's just a matter of time only.. but i hope the karma wont fall on his kids but on him instead.

mayb u can consider seeking a counseller lik wat other mummies suggested? counselling really helps. =)

 

[Renzie]

It will take me a lot of courage to type down all these.

It will. The fact that I've kept quiet, kept it to myself for so many years will tell how difficult it is to put it down here all at once & for all.

13 freaking years of silence!!!!

I am someone who loves to write down my feelings everytime something upsets me. But not for this incident. Never will I ever imagine myself telling these out.

No one knows a single bit of these. Not my best friend, not my husband, not my parents. NO ONE!

Because, HE is my cousin, my dad's nephew. And no one would probably ever want to believe what I say.

Actually I had very very bad childhood during my younger days.

Ranging from the constant beating from my dad to being abused by babysitter to being MOLESTED. Yes, molested.

(Well, this really take a toll on me because I just went on to surf the net for like 30mins before coming back to continue.)

As I was saying, yea, being abused by babysitter when I was in my kindergarden school days.

That aside because all of them know I'm being abused only after I am not under her care anymore.

So, this memory of it still lingers within me and is still vivid throughout this entire 13 years.

The start.

It was always a joyous stayover at my cousin's house in Jurong West. With my cousin Sharon who is 3 days younger than me & also her elder brother which I can't even recall his name. Well, I use to call him Korkor.

So 1 fine night when I'm sleeping on the floor in my cousin Sharon room, something woke me up.

Something caressing not my body BUT my private part. The side of my private part. *fuck, whenever I think of it, it just makes me feel so sick!*

Ok, the constant caressing woke me up and I was very very scared. I dont't know what to do being just a 9 year old girl at that time.

My heart was racing fast. And he did not stop, he continue to chat with me while I laid there on the mattress under his mercy. I didn't dare to even scream because I'm so afraid of being accused of telling lies and will end up getting beaten by my dad if my aunt were to tell him.

I remember Korkor asking me this while still fucking caressing the same area. " Do you know what happen to the other part of the world when our side is night time?" Then he continue, " The other part of the world turns into day because the earth rotates."

After that, I forgot what happened.

Bolder.

Then the next day while we are playing, I became very wary towards him. Then, he offered to piggy back me. Well, what can I say? I stupidly agreed and once he piggy backed me, his both hands went under my private parts AGAIN. Instead of holding my legs for support, his hands went there.

Even till now, whenever I see anybody piggy backing my girl, I will still have the phobia of it and will always be reminded of the damn incident.

My cousin Sharon in fact, know what's going on. She even told me : " Orh, I tell your father that my korkor touch your "kai kai" (means private part for her in cantonese). "

I was very very afraid at that moment and just nice, my aunt was going for her dialysis at Clementi so I took the chance to say I want to go home.

After which, I never dare to go for any stayover at my aunt's house and never even dare to look into Kor kor's eyes. I just felt so ashamed. So embarassed.

Till now, I hate him for causing me all these phobias, all these lifelong memories that cannot be erased no matter how.

And now whenever I see my girl playing closely with my side's cousins, I will always be on a lookout fearing that the same thing will happen to her.

I suppose, all these phobias will not go away even till the day I die. And no one would probably know about this in anytime to come or future. They would probably think that I'm cooking up stories and not believe me.

Maybe some of you may ask, WHY AFTER 13 YEARS THEN SPEAK UP?

Easy, because it is really very vexing, tormenting to be reminded of what happen every now and then.

A simple action, can remind me of the incident.

Dear gal, I can understand partly how you feel as I was molested by my babysitter's son when I was young. I was being taken care of her since I was just a baby til the age of about 8-9 when my family moved away.

As I was pretty young then, I didn't realised what he was doing was wrong. (He was in his teens then), and he had threatened me that if I tell anyone, my babysitter would scold me and punished me by standing outside of her flat. (she always does that when I cried or throw tantrums when I was much younger), and since I hated that, I kept my mouth shut. He would always touch my private parts and ask me to wash myself at times, when the babysitter is not home, he also got his 2 younger brothers involved by bringing me to him. By the time I realised what he was doing was wrong, I had already moved away for a number of years. Then I was tormented by the memories for a long time. It took me about 15 years to finally build up the courage to tell my parents, and they dismissed it as its just little kids playing and I might have misunderstood it.

Thus now, I have aversion to babysitters and have no plans to let outsiders to take care of my coming child. Hubby knows about my history and understands it. Now with my coming gal, I do not know how I'll react or what I'll do if people should come near my gal. but its understandable that you wish to protect your child from the same thing happening, especially more if its that cousin coming near your child.

 

[Fisherman's Friend]

Dear gal, I can understand partly how you feel as I was molested by my babysitter's son when I was young. I was being taken care of her since I was just a baby til the age of about 8-9 when my family moved away.

As I was pretty young then, I didn't realised what he was doing was wrong. (He was in his teens then), and he had threatened me that if I tell anyone, my babysitter would scold me and punished me by standing outside of her flat. (she always does that when I cried or throw tantrums when I was much younger), and since I hated that, I kept my mouth shut. He would always touch my private parts and ask me to wash myself at times, when the babysitter is not home, he also got his 2 younger brothers involved by bringing me to him. By the time I realised what he was doing was wrong, I had already moved away for a number of years. Then I was tormented by the memories for a long time. It took me about 15 years to finally build up the courage to tell my parents, and they dismissed it as its just little kids playing and I might have misunderstood it.

Thus now, I have aversion to babysitters and have no plans to let outsiders to take care of my coming child. Hubby knows about my history and understands it. Now with my coming gal, I do not know how I'll react or what I'll do if people should come near my gal. but its understandable that you wish to protect your child from the same thing happening, especially more if its that cousin coming near your child.

Haiz...girls always tend to be in a less fortunate position. We as the parents really need to not just protect our girls but always have to teach them how to protect themselves.:shyxxx:

 

[Renzie]

I guess, now what I want to teach my gal is that, its ok to tell us anything that had happened or anything that she's not comfortable with, and she wouldn't be punished. As young kids, they might not know what is right or wrong, and thus being threatened with punishment, they might not say anything.

 

[littlehelper]

To Renzi:How come your babysitter leave you alone with her son?
Isn't it her responsibility to take care of you? And how can leave you outside the house???

To Lipssmaker: do seek professional help soon.

 

[Renzie]

Littlehelper: She work part time job at times, helping those nearby shops shred coconuts or shell those eggs for the yong tau foo store, or else go marketing and such, I remember sometimes after kindergarten I would meet her at those nearby shops and wait for her after she finish working, so sometimes she will leave me alone with her sons.

As to how can she leave me outside the house...hmm good question. maybe she can't stop me from crying and thus the only way is to push me outside and shut the door, so I just sit there, til i calm down. Only then she'll open up and let me in. That time too young to know what is going on, only know that if I cry, I'll be outside on the corridor. Plus my parents only pick me up in the evenings, so they wouldn't know what happened in the afternoon/mornings.

 

[apollo]

I guess, now what I want to teach my gal is that, its ok to tell us anything that had happened or anything that she's not comfortable with, and she wouldn't be punished. As young kids, they might not know what is right or wrong, and thus being threatened with punishment, they might not say anything.

yup i agree with u! cos some kids will hav the mindset tt: later aunty complain to mummy, mummy tot i naughty, cane me!!!

 

[CanCanMum]

HUGS to Renzie and Lipssmacker babes~~~

sorry to hear about the unfortunate incident tat happened to both of u during childhood days~~~

its not easy to pluck the courage to speak up here in the forum, but i m glad both of u have taken the first step towards opening up

hope by pouring it out here would more or less make yourself feel slightly better or at least there is courage to face it more bravely.......

now that we are mothers, we do our best to protect our child from harm and external unfavourable factors, and by all means shower our love and concern towards our child.

but behind us we carry with ourselves past childhood memories, be it good or bad, as we see the way our children behave/laughs/cries/excited/nervous etc etc, all kinds of expressions will start to mirror in our mind, and revives our hidden childhood memories......hence we tend to relate them to our own experiences sub-consciously.

it can hurt at times but seeing the way our children grows up protected and their smiles from the efforts by us to try all our best to give them the BEst childhood that we can provide them for, will be the accomplishment and goal that a mother will and hope to achieve. This feeling will be strong enough to make u feel a mother's pride

Not everyone can have a good childhood, my hubby had a bad childhood too. But the most important thing is to pick yourself up from where u fell and stand up for yourself now. Because past is past, like wad Ting babe mentioned, karma will take care of things.

*Love + Hugs*

 

[CanCanMum]

I m not sure if i shared my story will be fine, coz this reminds me of my dad's childhood.......

my dad lost his mum (my grandma) after he was born (Year 1943), and my grandpa desserted him too..................... yes and my dad had a bad childhood too....sometimes gonna walk around starving......

he was left in the care of my grandpa's elder sister (we call her Gu Por in cantonese) as young as a baby.

Gu por has a few kids and they used to sleep together in a room (girls and boys) etc and i guess he was curious as a teenager so he actually wanted to touch one of the girls while she was sleeping..................

nothing happened becoz tat girl actually screamed and shouted and ran to her mum..................

But since tat incident she refused to talk to my dad, and whenever we went Gu Por's house to Bai Nian and when she happened to be there, she will still ignored us, even ignored my mum and us ...........

It was only during the recent years that she started to talk to us, not sure why. Anyway we oso didnt keep in touch with my dad's relatives anymore after my Gu Por passed away 2 years ago.............

 

[ping26]

hi lipssmacker

so sorry to hear abt the abuse.

Thnk you for sharing your secret with us. Emotional scars take a long time to heal. Often times, the 1st step is to learn to let go of hurt by confiding in someone.


After hearing your story, I will take extra extra precautions.

a) I will never let my daughter alone with any male from now onwards. I will instruct my maid to stick by her side at all times, esp during CNY. I have a teenaged step brother-in-law.

b) I will also warn all parents under my care to do the same.
I'm special needs therapist. I do know of a number of abuse cases. I usu warn parents of girls to take extra precautions. Think I have to get a checklist to be safe.

You have been a great help to me!

Don't let your past affect your current or future happiness. You deserve to be happy.

take care & I pray that u find peace in your heart, & Renzie too !

 

[Renzie]

Cancanmum

I guess she thought that your dad wanted to do something bad to her, and thus was afraid of going near him and such. And during that period, there's no sex education and such, thus your dad being a teenager would be curious especially when there's no adults to guide him on how to behave and how to conduct himself. (I'm presuming your GU Por, might be too busy taking care of all the kids to have time guiding him, plus the older folks tend to be more conservative and tend to avoid such topics)

lipssmacker
Sometimes, I wondered if my memories were real. And sometimes I wonder to myself, if I had said anything during that time, would anyone believed me?

It does help in opening up and talking about it. Its only when I started to confide in my best friend about it 10 years after it had happened, then I was slowly able to let it go and not let it torment me.

I can understood its even more so tormenting for you especially when its a relative, someone whom you and your family trusts, and even more so, if you have to face him during family gatherings. *hugs*

 

[CanCanMum]

Cancanmum

I guess she thought that your dad wanted to do something bad to her, and thus was afraid of going near him and such. And during that period, there's no sex education and such, thus your dad being a teenager would be curious especially when there's no adults to guide him on how to behave and how to conduct himself. (I'm presuming your GU Por, might be too busy taking care of all the kids to have time guiding him, plus the older folks tend to be more conservative and tend to avoid such topics)

yESH u r rite........and my GU Por was so busy taking care of her kids (i think got 3 girls and 3 boys) so tatz why such things happens loRrrr............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

[angelwendy]

yESH you r rite........and my GU Por was so busy taking care of her kids (i think got 3 girls and 3 boys) so tatz why such things happens loRrrr............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I think most of the case happen like that... i mean when their parents or adult is too bz to take care of them so things will happen...

 

[ohstrawberry]

This remind me of part of scary childhood as well.
When i'm in pri 1 or 2, my grandma will bring me along when she went playing cards at my uncle's house. This uncle is my mum's cousin.
Just beside uncle's house stayed his sister and her teenage son, uncle's sister is single mum, she always not at home, only left his son.
My grandma will always tell me to go to her hse to play with his son.
One day, he told me he got a new toy and is a driving game with the sterring wheel. I wanted to play, but he says it's spoilt and need ro repair. In order to repair must take off my panties and use a hammer.
I stupidly do so, he covered my head with the blanket and said will start repairing. I felt something poking into my private part, he kept asking if i painful or not. Then after a few attempts, he gave up and said the toy was repaired then let me play with it.
This happened not once but twice. Until one day when i'm in pri 4, when i get to know what is sex, i felt so shameful and dirty down there.
During my teenage years, i had the thinking that having sex is totally alright, since i'm not a virgin anymore. But lucky i don't have the chance to do it cause i'm not pretty, so no guy will approach me. Until 19yrs old, when i knew my hubby, we had sex after few weeks we met, then i bled and realised i'm still a virgin. So i told hubby the story, at first he thought i that type of easy woman, then he get to know me better and we together till now.
And last few yr i got to know from my mum, that my cousin's wife divorced with him after only 1 month they married.
Inside my heart, i think this is the retribution to him for doing those things to me, i suddenly felt relieved totally.

lipssmacker, i think it's just very unfortunate of us to experience such things, try to let go and enjoy our life now. Those ppl will get their retribution one day.