Do you spank? Disciplining Toddler

stonston

Well-Known Member
ouch! isnt canning too young for your boy?

We used to hide the cane at home, and when my mum starts threatening with cane we ( me n siblings) will burst into giggles knowing she will be looking high and low for it!
If you cane with controlled strength on the palm, it's not as painful as you think. That's why we only cane after reasoning with my boy (give ourselves time to cool down so we won't hit so hard also).

I rather use a cane than to use my hands. I've seen the effects of parents who hit their kids with their hands compared to with the cane. When their parents wanted to 'sayang' the kids, then kids shrink away in fear.

Anyway, we hardly cane now because he knows we mean what we say. If we are outside in public, we do give warning and if he misbehaves, he'll be punished when we get home.

I've a few friends who told me to use the soft-approach and after 1 day with my boy, they agree that soft approach will not work. Hahaha.
 

ping26

Member
you know ping, i was just asking my flat mate why is my dotter still mouthing so much at her age.. i thought dat around 12 mths babies should hav toned down mouthing... and she said that it could be lack of oral stimulation??? i mean what kind of oral stimulation is she suppose to have? I dont really stop her from putting things into her mouth although I am trying to discourage this "habit"?

Most toddlers will mouth less after 12 mth. Again, it depends on individual development. As they are also teething during this period, mouthing is unlikely to go away completely.
I give her Healthy Time teddy biscuits (gerber stars dissolve too easily) cos she seems to enjoy chewing a lot.

In children with special needs (esp autism), slower or disordered motor development (ie other areas), one can usu see intense mouthing or exploration by mouthing.

Maybe you can try to spend more time on other areas of development, esp touch & movement. My girl enjo
ys trotting ard the house, so mouthing has gone down a lot. S

Honestly distraction works best for my baby. Distraction can stop her tantrums instantaneously and I used distraction up till now and I feel the need to switch method because I dont't think distraction is a method to discipline. It merely switches her focus.

At this age, parents will prob have to phase out distraction gradually over 6-12 mth (maybe even longer). if Christine manages to get her hands on something inappropriate, I usu allowher to explore or touch for a fraction of second, then remove toy. She will fuss, but not for long. If she fusses for more than a few minutes, I will provide a distractor toy. Sometimes, I will give in to her demands for a while as I feel she has not had enough "fun". (who wouldn't be annoyed if play is stopped halfway?) I will also tell her it's last time. Like I said, she seems to be easily pacified. There are kids who can't be distracted & cry long & loud.

Fr my experience w special needs kids (esp autism), removing immediately will guarantee immediate & long-lasting tantums. The distractor toy is stop tantrum, so that the child does not develop habit of long tantrums which wears us down. It is impt to let the child fuss for a while so that she learns that she has to obey adult direction. All in, the therapist must be in control of situation & clear of objectives. I imagine parenting is much tougher cos fatigue & loads of hsework.

Nowadays she wakes up, look at the electric socket next to our bed and say "nono" while wiggling her index finger side to side. And when in the living room, she will look at the corner protector and say nono while wiggling her finger. But the thing that worries me is she sometimes in her sleep says "nono" and while wiggling her index fingers!!! eyes closed! I may have gone a little overboard with the "nos"! sigh!
yes, I would be guilt-strickened if baby sleep-talks like that. Don't worry, kids are really resilient. She'll be snoring in no time. Perhaps you can try time-out in her playpen for dangerous acts. If she has need to explore by pulling, opening, pressing, maybe u can get toys which involve those actions. Or show her how to play using fingers.

 

apollo

Well-Known Member
jojoki, ds also does tt!! when he drinks water, he will keep the water in his mought then spit out! if not will keep blow all his saliva out.. initially i got v fed up n irritated and will 'beat' his mouth. but the more i beat, the more he does that.. so what we do now is dun look at him, ignore him whenever he does tt.. and same as annie's girl, he will stop.. haha
 

ping26

Member
I havent tried time-out on her although my brother is using this method successfully on my nephew. Yes I must use different words di, cos she woke up this morning and her first word was "no-no".

Sadly I feel that my daughter doesnt sleep well at night, when she learnt to clap back then, in the middle of the night while sleeping she clapped, and now "no-no".
If she doesn't sleep well, maybe you can try slow rocking action, baby massage or soothing lullabies to reduce "emotional" impact. Avoid high stimulation 3 hrs before bedtime. Some children learn best when they are highly stimulated; however they have difficulties switching off so they don't get good rest. Poor sleep in young children will affect mood & increase stubbornness.

like what tika mummy said, it is impt to introduce concept of danger. U can still say no-no, but also tell her it's dangerous, choke-choke/pain. With each accident, make sure she hears words like, "danger", "accident", "fall down", "careful". But be sure not to overuse them, otherwise it'll lose effect.

If your girl is saying no-no as a form of interaction in the morning, just ignore or re-direct with appropriate communication. Don't worry, these things will usu pass.
 
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ping26

Member
My cousin's boys are the same as my boy, but her girl is totally different. There's no need to even be firm with her. You can tell her nicely and there's no need to get angry at all. Same parents, same environment but different characters.
{pats} we have lil girls. :001_302::001_302::001_302: Prob time-out will be enough.

Actually, if parents use too much aversive punishment, whether it's hand or cane, kids will shrink away. Scold too much, kids will not confide in them.

Personally, I prefer symbolic spanking on backside for younger kids & 'piak' hand for older kids (below 6). I think caning is too harsh.:embarrassed:

My lil nephew who's more difficult than stonston's kid, is no longer afraid of caning. He does listen to me cos I show him a lot of respect as an individual & he knows I love him a lot.

Ultimately, if a child can feel your love, he will listen to you but just not all the time. :tlaugh:

erm, I disagree on testy kids part. haa, cos I only teach difficult kids. No disrespect intended but some of them will be average citizens cos IQ.
 
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stonston

Well-Known Member
My lil nephew who's more difficult than stonston's kid, is no longer afraid of caning. He does listen to me cos I show him a lot of respect as an individual & he knows I love him a lot.
Easier said than done. You should try looking after him 24/7 instead since he respects you. Can give his parents a break too. It's always different when they are with outsiders. My boy is very well behaved with my brother but my brother also canes him when he does something wrong.

Anyway IQ does not determine if someone will be an achiever or leader. I know of many big bosses who hv low IQ but high EQ and leadership skills. You can hv high IQ like my boss but he's a very poor leader cos no one wants to work for him. And he's not showing any results as a leader.

Ultimately, parents will know their own children best. Whether they take hard or soft approach is for them to decide. Some kids need to learn the hard way. Why do you think caning is still carried out in school and in the SG court system?
 

tika

Active Member
Tika,
Do you mind sharing the name of the book, author and where to get it?
I am curious about the concept as like you, i was brought up the typical asian way, that is to be spanked!! haha... well..i think i grew up ok...so guess it worked to a certain extend..
Am just thinking, when do we draw a line that (if) the positive approach is not working anymore? My sister In law who was brought up with the 'love and positive approach', never been spanked or even shouted at her entire life, always boh hiew the parents when they try to talk reason with her now since from young, she never face any 'consequences' for her misbehaviour... To her, is talk only what... and talk is cheap?? Or maybe my in laws' love approach was taken to the other extreme end. *shakes head*
So i guess i will need to read more even i can comment even further... hehe
Stan,

Like yourself, I believe i turned out ok too! haha. However, I still think I would have been a more inquisitive and active person if my mother had had more patience in her to nurture that inquisitiveness in me when I was younger, instead of reprimanding me most of the time.

When do we draw the line? I feel only a parent would know that. I'll share the title and author only to those who wish to know. I'll pm you in awhile. Its always good to trial and error and experience it yourself the success or failures of adopting any particular approach. Even if it does fail, you would have gained knowledge more than none.

I think i shd make this clear, positive discipline DOES NOT mean you let your toddler step, shittt, pisss, spit on your head. PosDisc is all about being kind yet firm. There are consequences when you use the PosDisc approach. Just not physical or negative consequences. That's why spouse and I decided to give it a try.

The PosDisc approach to your child hitting another person is to take the child by the hand, kneel down to his eye level and say, "It is not ok to hit people. I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt and upset. You can talk about it or you can hit your pillow, but people aren't for hitting." It doesn't matter if your child doesn't understand your words, but he will definitely hear your calm yet authoritative tone. If your child is of verbal age, add "When you have calmed down, please give the other child a hug and apologise."

My dotter is only 22 months. The book i read is only for up to 3 year olds. She still has a 2 years before she reaches 4. So when the time comes, I probably will have to read on positive discipline for older children. I'm sure I would have to make afew adjustments, suited for that age up. :)
 

tika

Active Member
{pats} we have lil girls. :001_302::001_302::001_302: Prob time-out will be enough.
I'm starting to think so too. Maybe our dotters cooperate more often than not because they are girls. But I also do have nephews who cooperate with my spouse and I. So that theory is still questionable. We'll just have to wait for the day Science proves the theory to be true. Haha.

My lil nephew who's more difficult than stonston's kid, is no longer afraid of caning. He does listen to me cos I show him a lot of respect as an individual & he knows I love him a lot.

Ultimately, if a child can feel your love, he will listen to you but just not all the time. :tlaugh:
I agree with you on this. I've experienced it myself, with my younger cousins, older nephew/nieces and my own toddler. Spouse and I always make it a point to treat them with respect no matter how young they are. We lead by example, not by fear. :)
 

ping26

Member
Easier said than done. You should try looking after him 24/7 instead since he respects you. Can give his parents a break too. It's always different when they are with outsiders. My boy is very well behaved with my brother but my brother also canes him when he does something wrong.

Ultimately, parents will know their own children best. Whether they take hard or soft approach is for them to decide. Some kids need to learn the hard way. Why do you think caning is still carried out in school and in the SG court system?
hi stonston mummy,
ha, I wonder abt that too. But his mum prefers to scold or cane him. She seems to want to get everyone to agree that her son is naughty.

As a therapist, I can see that caning works very fast, much faster than counselling (many fathers think that way too) however some parents are not well-educated or very rational like you. Like my sis-in-law, they just pounce on small mistakes & then use caning rather liberally. She is very negative. Her warnings seem to goad rather than deter.

I have worked with some children with conduct related disorders. This grp of kids needs both counselling and some form of aversive punishment cos they learn things the hard way. Talking just doesn't work. They are basically difficult kids to rear, even as toddlers.

I agree for hard-core criminals, rehabilitation is prob difficult. The rotan is much scarier and effective deterent than jail term.

Pls let me clarify when I talk abt low IQ, it has to be ard 70s. 85 -115 is within average. I have 10 year-old kids in mainstream pri who take food from strangers' plates. Most bizman have average IQ as opposed to low or very high IQ.

I generally try to refrain from making sweeping statements cos so many things to clarify but sometimes, I'm a little concussed ...

I also agree that's nothing I can do abt parenting styles. Seen too much evil... anyway, most parents are not abusive in punishment. Most kids will forget canings if it's done before 6 years old.
 

Ting

Well-Known Member
for me, pin needs to be cane.
haha, or smacked rather.
yes i do smack her since she was like 2yo? cos she can understand me well alr.
when warning falls on deaf ears, the smacking will come in.
i only smack her hands when she touches or put things in her mouth after telling her upteen times NO.
as for canning, i usually scare her with it, only when she gets too stubborn n push her limits then one stroke is given on her leg/palm. (but i always cane lightly cos scared too pain :p )

each parent hv their own way of disciplining the child. some use soft approach, some use scare tactic, some use hard approach.
all depends on your child's character also.
pin is one lil girl who has a BIG mind of her own. n big guts too.
even after smacking her, she will still test water n push my limit a bit further.

to me, no disciplining is not just smacking n caning n scolding.
b4 the smacking/scolding i will tell n warn her. eg, if she climbs onto a chair n jump down, my first reaction is to be: careful pin! u'll fall n hurt yourself.
but she thinks its fun n contd to climb n jump. then my next instinct is to hold on to her n tell her firmly: NO, U WILL FALL N KNOCK YOURSELF, N WILL FEEL PAIN.
and then again she struggle to break free to climb n jump AGAIN.
tts when the warning of 123 comes in (with her counting to 3 with me) n she will give another big leap!
then i will tell her: OK, STOP. if u fall, dun come crying to me.
BUT then again, she will try her luck n climb again.
but this time, i will grab her, carry her down, smack her legs n she wont climb it again.
n if u dare her to climb, she will tell u : no, cannot climb, later i will fall hurt my head, pain pain, HOW?

but the next day (or maybe after an hr) she will pull the same stunt again. :p
 

diymummy

Moderator
I do spank my boy. He is 14 mths now. But I only spank when repeated teaching doesn't work. At his age, he can tell the difference. I will smack his thigh.

He likes to scream. Hubby and I will always tell him not to scream. Whenever he screams we will tell him no. We will repeat it a few times and he will still continue to scream. Then we will smack. He will stop screaming. But after that he will scream softly... Like testing boundaries. After that we will look at him sternly and he will get the message and stop screaming.

I feel that when you discipline your child, he must always understand what he did wrong, and what can he do abt it so that it will be right.

I've heard what stonston mummy said abt "difficult" children being natural leaders. Most importantly, discipline shouldn't be trying to "make" our children to become what our image deems as disciplined or "guai". They should be allowed to be themselves within boundaries and from there, their creativity will surprise you.
 

jasobias

Well-Known Member
I actually never spanked my oldest son when he was the only child.It was easy to discipline as i had the time n patience.It was only when the 2nd one came along n it got difficult juggling 2.
With my baby girl now i havent really "disciplined"her.She is the apple of our eyes.N since the boys r older n more indept i am able to be more patient with her.N my boys r fiercely protective over her.Once i raised my voice a bit to say "no!"n they looked horrified.They ran over to her n said i cannot shout at her coz she is a baby...i wasnt even shouting!!hahhaha
Its really heart warming to see stuff like this.I hope i will be able to guide her along without the need for spanking.Also hoping the boys wld be gd role models for her.
 

CanCanMum

Moderator
I rather use a cane than to use my hands. I've seen the effects of parents who hit their kids with their hands compared to with the cane. When their parents wanted to 'sayang' the kids, then kids shrink away in fear.
this one i agree totallyyyy

coz uncle nic was the one who used his hands to spank baber when we do not own any canes when baber was young, and whenever i used my hands to cup his cheeks that time to sayang him, he will get a little "shock" coz he thought he is gonna be spanked on the cheeks againzzz.....sad little thing horrr?

we have 2 canes at home, one behind tv (for use in the living room) and one above bedroom wardrobe (for use in bedrooms lOlzzz)

we not only have cane, we have designated ones too :p:p:p
 

CanCanMum

Moderator
theres something which i do not understand either

a) my mum and dad looks after Baber daytime, 12pm till 7pm (when i pick him up after work), Baber is very misbehaved and notty, he can hit my mum and screamed at her for instance

b) my MIL came over for a week last year to look after Baber, he was very well behaved, nebber throw tantrums at all and listens to instructions

why huhhh? Is it tat a) is ROUTINE and b) is the so called HOLIDAYS??????????????

and this thing makes my MIL very very proud of her "methods of handling baber", and she claims baber is very well behaved and listens to her, every CNY will kenna this remark :(

*shaKes Head*
 

Ting

Well-Known Member
cos he n your parents very "shou" (cooked :p ) alr mahs!
hahahaha!
same like, when they at home, like baby terrors, in sch they r angels..
hahahaha~~

pin also like tt, at home she hor, really naughty! but at my relatives hse she macham guai guai, /shy shy(act only lorr) like tt.
 

Phoebii Cheng

Well-Known Member
Haha CanCanMum,

My son oso like your baber, with my mum, he can oso hit her climb all over her, but with my in law he nv do tht....

I think my mum allows my son to do tht to her thts why he so daring.....told my mum many times nv allow my son to hit her or climb all over her, she would always say aiya nvm, he still young what.
 

Phoebii Cheng

Well-Known Member
I guess we should read more on ways to best discipline our child, cos' ultimately we want only the best for them....
 

Stan

Member
Feel like spanking and discipling my fren's kid yesterday!!
Was out with my 2 girlfrens... one has a 2 yr old..
Throughout the lunch...the kid was throwing napkins, spoons, chopsticks on the floor... hitting the bows against the table...clank clank clank... my fren just tell him nicely: cannot ok?? (the toddler continues his 'games' while my fren continues eating)... me and the other fren also keep quiet.
Then he started screaming... and since we were abt to leave...we got the kid of out his chair and he started crying and rolling on the floor before we could finish payment.... we half carried and half dragged the kid out of the place while the mum was calling the dad on the phone (very cool and calm!)... by then me and the other fren were squatting and trying to get the kid up to walk.... he was screaming even louder!!!!! omg.... i dont know if i shld cover my ears or face really...a lot of pple were looking at us...
We tried to put the kid in his pram and belt in him....he was kicking everywhere and slipped through the pram.... His mummy was just standing there laughing (still on the phone)!!
wah.....i dont know what to do and my other fren has no kid also just stared at me...
This kind can dont spank?? Zero discpline at all!!!!!!!!

disclaimer: if you happen to see this drama mama scene at orchard yesterday, is no me okok?? lol
 
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