Hubby giving too much to his mum

[charline]

Hi Mummies

I have a 4 month old baby and my mum takes care of him while I work.
My hubby and I earn above average pay and should do quite well except that he gives his mum a lot of money each month. While his siblings only give $200 each month, he gives $800 and that's not including paying for their insuarance, giving them treats, etc.

My mum gets $500 from him for taking care of our son and his parents did not offer to help. His parents work, so can't blame them but they are also incompentent in taking care of my son. When my son cried, they pushed him back to me, they did not know how to handle at all. When I offered to let them take care of him overnight, since they seemed to get jealous that my son liked my mother, they said they need their sleep.

Last night, I had a big fight with my hubby over finances. He doesn't save for the future and gives his parents a lot when they are not poor. And my anger had to do with the fact that my parents-in-law push baby to my parents because they don't want the 'hardship' of taking care of baby yet still want to say my parents this and that. I really hate it. My hubby and I are having cold war now, cos he thinks I am unreasonable. But I got to think about my son's future right?

 

[Edwinie]

some guys can only understand if you spell out black and white.

write down your expenses, needs, and future savings for your son and family on paper. then deduct from the total income and see how much is left. exaggerate your expenses and saving needs a little so that the money that your hubby earns seems to be tight if he gives that much amount to his parents.

however, i feel if all the expenses and savings are met, then any extra money, you should give him the liberty to spend it in any way he wants, including giving them to his parents. (i don't know how 'above average' your earnings are).

on the other hand, if such expenses and savings are not met comfortably, then you should have a good talk and write an accounting budget statement so it will look scientific and more convincing.

i see nothing wrong in giving money to parents, big or small (of course must be within our means). the debt we owe to our parents for bringing us up cannot be repaid, whether they take care of their grandchildren or not. (unless of course, parents take money to gamble or drink alcohol, then giving money or not is a different story)

 

[noelsmum]

My husband when he started working about 10 years or so ago used to give his mother 700 a month. Mind you, that was a lot in the past. I didn't say anything because that's is his money and he has the liberty to do what he liked with it. We were not married then too. Then, we got married and the amount reduced to 500 or something like that. Sure, I did think that it's too much. We have no kids and we dont't have dinner in their home. In fact we bring them out for dinner. So why give so much? And I didn't say anything. Hubby provided enough for the money. Yes, at that time, we hardly had savings but I kept my mouth shut. Primarily, my in laws paid for hubby's 4 years of education in Australia. And throughout the 4 years, he never worried about money. They paid for everything. He never had to work part time. And no, they're not rich people. Your average 4 room flat living in Bukit Panjang. They save and scrimped on every cent and penny to provide him that overseas education. He has a younger brother too. They made sacrifices for him and his brother. They've only taken the plane thrice. They paid for only one 'flight' holiday before hubby was married. And we paid for the other 2 for them to fly over to Hong Kong to visit us. I no longer bother about how much hubby gives his parents as I feel that they have done lots of him. And it is just gratitude that he's repaying his parents. By the way, his parents paid for a 30 table wedding dinner for us at a 5 star hotel. And they even gave us a huge red packet after that.

 

[momi]

I have to agree with what the other mummies have mentioned here, if possible try not to restrict what he's giving to his parents. It will only make you look unreasonable in his eyes. However, it's also not right that he isn't saving some of his income. So in that matter, you should take Edwinie's advice to work out the budgeting of his income.

In my case, my SO is also doing the same and let me tell you this: He gives 2k to his parents every month. He is still living with them though. In fact his parents are the ones to ask for his ATM card on his payday every month to cash out that amount. I used to be just like you, feeling upset that so much of his income goes to his parents just like that. Sometimes we even have to scrimp and save on our dates on those months that his parents decided they wanted more money So after nagging and complaining to him (which doesn't change anything because that's already a habit), I told myself that I can't also expect him to stop giving his parents that amount since he's already been doing it. But I started explaining to him from time to time why we'll need to save A LOT of money (for our future wedding, a dream house, for kids, etc.). It won't work the first few times, you need to do it constantly. Also I started budgetting that we MUST save at least about say 20% of his monthly pay. And I do that for him every single month without fail. I am still doing all of the above now. Because I've been doing this for quite a few years, he's already used to this habit. Surprising thing is nowadays whenever we run low of cash, he automatically tells his parents not to take out as much money for that month. I think he can see that I'm not doing this for my own benefit (e.g. nagging, complaining or saving for myself) but it's for our future and his savings. And of course it helps to show him from time to time how much you've helped him save

Hope this will help you a bit.

 

[charline]

We have to scrimp and save while his siblings who gave so little live it up. And on top of that, the whole family likes to boast about how much money they have. That is the part that really got to me. I really wonder why his mother so bias take so much from him and take so little from the other two. His siblings do not have children, and earn more than us. I believe it's my hubby wants to give one, but if I'm the mum, and I know he has a family, I would also take lesser. Despite our 5-figure combined salary, we only have less than 2k of savings per mth after all our expenses.

 

[Edwinie]

We have to scrimp and save while his siblings who gave so little live it up. And on top of that, the whole family likes to boast about how much money they have. That is the part that really got to me. I really wonder why his mother so bias take so much from him and take so little from the other two. His siblings do not have children, and earn more than us. I believe it's my hubby wants to give one, but if I'm the mum, and I know he has a family, I would also take lesser. Despite our 5-figure combined salary, we only have less than 2k of savings per mth after all our expenses.

comparing will make you feel miserable. let them boast whatever they want ba.. people will also think where they get the money from. money also cannot bring to the grave. (i don't like people who boast how rich they are..)

such factors you can't control. the only thing you can do is to convince your hubby. be logical, use logical reasons, be patient. if your reasons are good, you don't have to be afraid of your husband criticising them. if he does criticise and start defending, remember to keep your cool. quarreling don't solve problems. once you start a quarrel, or you retaliate if he starts, then you will be seen as unreasonable even though you have good solid reasons! once a quarrel starts, no one listens no matter how true the facts are. so keep your cool while you reason with him!

wish you all the best!

 

[Stormblessed]

We have to scrimp and save while his siblings who gave so little live it up. And on top of that, the whole family likes to boast about how much money they have. That is the part that really got to me. I really wonder why his mother so bias take so much from him and take so little from the other two. His siblings do not have children, and earn more than us. I believe it's my hubby wants to give one, but if I'm the mum, and I know he has a family, I would also take lesser. Despite our 5-figure combined salary, we only have less than 2k of savings per mth after all our expenses.

Charline,
2K/mth is still impressive!
If you invest the 24K/yr in relatively safe investments at 5% per annum, you should have accumulated over $1.6 million after 30 yrs.

 

[momi]

We have to scrimp and save while his siblings who gave so little live it up. And on top of that, the whole family likes to boast about how much money they have. That is the part that really got to me. I really wonder why his mother so bias take so much from him and take so little from the other two. His siblings do not have children, and earn more than us. I believe it's my hubby wants to give one, but if I'm the mum, and I know he has a family, I would also take lesser. Despite our 5-figure combined salary, we only have less than 2k of savings per mth after all our expenses.

I know exactly how you feel because my FMIL is always changing her bags every few weeks and they are not cheap bags as well. Although my SO gives 2k per month, they still take more sometimes. At least you can save 2k every month. Just be glad that your SO is a filial son because IMO a filial person cannot be a bad person

 

[charline]

I know exactly how you feel because my FMIL is always changing her bags every few weeks and they are not cheap bags as well. Although my SO gives 2k per month, they still take more sometimes. At least you can save 2k every month. Just be glad that your SO is a filial son because IMO a filial person cannot be a bad person

But this 2K is mainly saved by me. I eat little at work, don't buy new clothes, wear shoes until sole worn to save. You know when I was pregnant, I didn't dare to buy maternity clothes cos expensive and can't wear aft pregnancy, so I bought those big yoga pants that somehow can still wear next time. My MIL actually said that I look so un-glam! I never spent her son's money, I saved so hard for us and she still kept criticising me non-stop say I wear until cannot go out. I am really very angry.

 

[noelsmum]

But this 2K is mainly saved by me. I eat little at work, don't buy new clothes, wear shoes until sole worn to save. You know when I was pregnant, I didn't dare to buy maternity clothes cos expensive and can't wear aft pregnancy, so I bought those big yoga pants that somehow can still wear next time. My MIL actually said that I look so un-glam! I never spent her son's money, I saved so hard for us and she still kept criticising me non-stop say I wear until cannot go out. I am really very angry.

I would then tell her that, I've no money to buy clothes. Short and simple. Sometimes as much as we love the in laws, they do need some sense talking into them.

 

[Edwinie]

But this 2K is mainly saved by me. I eat little at work, don't buy new clothes, wear shoes until sole worn to save. You know when I was pregnant, I didn't dare to buy maternity clothes cos expensive and can't wear aft pregnancy, so I bought those big yoga pants that somehow can still wear next time. My MIL actually said that I look so un-glam! I never spent her son's money, I saved so hard for us and she still kept criticising me non-stop say I wear until cannot go out. I am really very angry.

hmm.. so the 2k that is mainly saved by you goes to your joint account? i prefer half half. make the effort together! tell him that it will be a more fair way. communicate with him more about it. no point harping on what ur in-law say or do. not going to change the situation. start with your hubby first.

from the way your in-laws talk to you and behave (from what you wrote), be prepared for nasty words if your hubby listens to you and gives them less money. just take it lightly.

 

[noelsmum]

My in laws already don't dare to mess with me. I'm very clear in some ways. If hubby would not listen and stand up for me, I'll stand up for my own rights and tell her off at times. I've done that on a few occasions and she knows me well enough. One day after we got married, we went over to their place. I called her but she couldn't hear and she of course complained to my husband saying I was rude. So the next time we met in the restaurant with some relatives, my husband's uncle and aunties were there too. I called her so loud that everyone, I mean everyone in the restaurant, turned and look at me. I was that loud. And that was just the beginning. I love my in laws but I will not stand for them to bully or trample over me. Sorry, that's just my character.

 

[momi]

Yes agree with noelsmum and Edwinie. You have to be a little bit more blunt and just say to your in-laws that you have no money to buy clothes. And get your hubby to contribute as much as you do. Really no use feeling upset, none of the in laws will feel sorry for you one fine day and stop what they're doing. As long as you're reasonable, your conscience is clear.

Like I said, my SO's mum always always buys new bags. And everytime she'll show me and then ask me how come I always use the same old bags. At first I used to be like you, too afraid/shy to answer her back but I'll let it out to SO. SO asks me to buy but I reason out to him that we can't simply spend money like that. Although he doesn't say much, I soon realise that it doesn't mean men don't think about these things because he was the one who one fine day told me 'If my mum asks again why you always don't buy things, tell her because we got so little money left every month'. And a few times, I overheard him telling his parents whenever they ask for his ATM card 'Don't take so much, I don't have enough money to use'. So what I'm trying to say is you need to take actions if it's really too much.

 

[noelsmum]

That's right, momi. Sometimes men don't say anything to keep the peace. And if you don't say anything and your husband don't say anything, then, who is going to stand up for you. You have to stand up and defend yourself. And if it offends, so be it. I've done the offending a couple of times. Hubby got mad, then I tell him my rationale and all is fine. When I stand up for myself, I am careful not to come across as rude or impolite.

 

[charline]

That's right, momi. Sometimes men dont't say anything to keep the peace. And if you dont't say anything and your husband dont't say anything, then, who is going to stand up for you. You have to stand up and defend yourself. And if it offends, so be it. I've done the offending a couple of times. Hubby got mad, then I tell him my rationale and all is fine. When I stand up for myself, I am careful not to come across as rude or impolite.

Actually you ladies brought up something interesting. Do you think that when we quarrel, men register what we said to them? Like they would actually reflect and act on it?

 

[Edwinie]

Actually you ladies brought up something interesting. Do you think that when we quarrel, men register what we said to them? Like they would actually reflect and act on it?

hmm.. when there is quarrel, both parties will have their defenses up. no matter how logical each other say, the other party will come up with a reason or excuse which might not make sense just to defend himself/herself.

it really depends on personality. if your husband is those kind who always think he is right and has high ego, then it's very difficult for him to reflect and act on it. then this case you need to use a soft approach.

my hubby is the kind that keep quiet and listen, even when i flare up. he will just shut me out and treat me as noise. lol! it's only when i cool down then he will listen and think through with me what is the problem.

the best way is to talk over coffee. i like to go kopitiam for supper with my hubby. not because i want to eat or i want a drink. it's the end of the day when we complete all our responsibilities and can relax. outside of home, there will be little distractions. no tv, no computer, no other family members around. plus i'll ask him put his mobile aside. then it will just be me and him talking out what is the problem, what should be done. and it is impt to listen to him and his point of view. having the discussion outside also can prevent quarrels as no one wants to attract attention. i don't know if this will work for you.

once a quarrel starts, nothing will be solved. no point quarreling. it's not the solution. don't think anyone will actually reflect and act on anything after a quarrel. they will think the other party is unreasonable and resent the tone, attitude and words spoken to them. quarrel makes things worse, in my opinion.

 

[noelsmum]

Actually you ladies brought up something interesting. Do you think that when we quarrel, men register what we said to them? Like they would actually reflect and act on it?

That's why sometimes or quite often when I'm upset about something, I send my husband an email. With an email, he has to read it and he can't interrupt my thoughts. And before I send the email, I can think and reflect on what I wrote before sending.

 

[Triquetra]

My husband when he started working about 10 years or so ago used to give his mother 700 a month. Mind you, that was a lot in the past. I didn't say anything because that's is his money and he has the liberty to do what he liked with it. We were not married then too. Then, we got married and the amount reduced to 500 or something like that. Sure, I did think that it's too much. We have no kids and we dont't have dinner in their home. In fact we bring them out for dinner. So why give so much? And I didn't say anything. Hubby provided enough for the money. Yes, at that time, we hardly had savings but I kept my mouth shut. Primarily, my in laws paid for hubby's 4 years of education in Australia. And throughout the 4 years, he never worried about money. They paid for everything. He never had to work part time. And no, they're not rich people. Your average 4 room flat living in Bukit Panjang. They save and scrimped on every cent and penny to provide him that overseas education. He has a younger brother too. They made sacrifices for him and his brother. They've only taken the plane thrice. They paid for only one 'flight' holiday before hubby was married. And we paid for the other 2 for them to fly over to Hong Kong to visit us. I no longer bother about how much hubby gives his parents as I feel that they have done lots of him. And it is just gratitude that he's repaying his parents. By the way, his parents paid for a 30 table wedding dinner for us at a 5 star hotel. And they even gave us a huge red packet after that.

I can emphathize if my in laws are like your husband's parents but they are far from being so selfless.
When my in laws had money, they used it to rent condo and redeem their rolex watch, jewelleries etc...
So my husband has to work to pay their debts and his own school fee.
Until today he is still paying their debts, they are still not holding a stable job and just ktv-ing and shopping while my mom is working and taking care of my daughter. She doesnt take a single cent from me and always offer to give me money instead becasue she knows our situation.

 

[Stormblessed]

I can emphathize if my in laws are like your husband's parents but they are far from being so selfless.
When my in laws had money, they used it to rent condo and redeem their rolex watch, jewelleries etc...
So my husband has to work to pay their debts and his own school fee.
Until today he is still paying their debts, they are still not holding a stable job and just ktv-ing and shopping while my mom is working and taking care of my daughter. She doesnt take a single cent from me and always offer to give me money instead becasue she knows our situation.

Sounds like your hubby spoils his parents, shouldn't it be the other way around? :001_302:

 

[Triquetra]

Sounds like your hubby spoils his parents, shouldn't it be the other way around? :001_302:

Yeah but all my husband can tell me is "they are my parents, what can i do?".
Sigh... Seeing how my mom is working herself to skin and bones really break my heart, my mil is twice her size!