Advice, I have some doubts feeling

Y

YanZee

Member
quincy1986 said:
YanZee

I am asking because if he still responds to your request, you can at least ask him go to the room and listen to you talk.

If you need his reponse to you, have you ever wonder is it something that you have done recently?
is it because you need to take care of your girls so you used to nag him a lot or something?

at this moment, we can't force him to do anything.
but just to say in a marriage, a lot of things take 2 hands to clap.
to be happy in a marriage, it takes 2.
to break a marriage, it takes 2 as well.

would like to suggest you give things 1 last try.
ask him to go inside your room. say you wish to discuss something.
maybe mention that you want to discuss about your girls will help.
so that you can talk to him about him being so cold.

first start by saying sorry although you dont know what you did wrong.

be prepared things might get worse.

after talking if he still does not open up after a few days, then maybe you just focus on your girls :)

if he opens up, then like what JuzAngel says, better to go for counselling.

Although we can go to FSC, but take note that some FSC their system is not good.
Maybe you can suggest go look up for a private counsellor.
I do not recommend Feiyue family services.
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he never respondsmy request, I already do what I do already e.g. talk to him, email, notes, sms,etc.
I not sure if I really did something wrong to him last time, I know I’m wrong in the 1st place when our 2nd daughter is born that time, no times with him as you know is not easy to take care 2 kids especially new born baby for working mom, I already ask for forgiveness from him if I really did something wrong that time.
already ask him, let discuss or talk what happening around lately, our daughter is really missing daddy so much, have your ever care what our daughter being doing lately, even our daughter is sick, I bring her to see doctor, even take leave totake care them, cool treatment to me etc.
I see that everything, the problems start after our 2nd daughter is born, do you all think so too ?
 
quincy1986

quincy1986

Active Member
when my i am having 1-to-1 counselling with my counsellor, i feel what my counsellor said is true.

she said:
i am now only talking to u. so i can only advise u what to do. i am not face to face with your husband, so i cant advise your husband. what u can do is to do your part as a wife for your kids and all. to say things in a bad manner, who knows someone might come your way, instead of your husband finding someone new.
 
R

raoow

Member
Is your husband having problems at work like got retrenched? He might be trying to look for another job so that he can carry on paying the bills.

You mentioned you don't have enough money to hire PI. Is money tight at home? I think it's worth hiring one to find out what is happening.
 
S

simon73

Member
quincy1986 said:
YanZee

I am asking because if he still responds to your request, you can at least ask him go to the room and listen to you talk.

If you need his reponse to you, have you ever wonder is it something that you have done recently?
is it because you need to take care of your girls so you used to nag him a lot or something?

at this moment, we can't force him to do anything.
but just to say in a marriage, a lot of things take 2 hands to clap.
to be happy in a marriage, it takes 2.
to break a marriage, it takes 2 as well.

would like to suggest you give things 1 last try.
ask him to go inside your room. say you wish to discuss something.
maybe mention that you want to discuss about your girls will help.
so that you can talk to him about him being so cold.

first start by saying sorry although u dont know what u did wrong.

be prepared things might get worse.

after talking if he still does not open up after a few days, then maybe you just focus on your girls :)

if he opens up, then like what JuzAngel says, better to go for counselling.

Although we can go to FSC, but take note that some FSC their system is not good.
Maybe you can suggest go look up for a private counsellor.
I do not recommend Feiyue family services.
Click to expand...
Agreed some of the counsellor at Feiuye are quite young in their mid 20s i guess...mostly are social worker assigned by MCYS

Try this....most of the counsellor are married with life experiences. Charges are $70 per hour

http://www.family.org.sg|
 
Y

YanZee

Member
to all, I have done what I should do already, still they is no respond from him, if you are me, what will you do ?
 
quincy1986

quincy1986

Active Member
YanZee i agree with simon73. u just take it that for some reason he no courage to face u. and then u just do your part as a mother.

i know how you feel inside. i have got almost the same experience.
 
Y

YanZee

Member
quincy1986 said:
YanZee i agree with simon73. u just take it that for some reason he no courage to face u. and then u just do your part as a mother.

i know how you feel inside. i have got almost the same experience.
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hi quincy, thanks for understand my feeling, nowadays my priority is my daughters then only him, as I say, I cannot no care him, he my husband, no matter what happern, even how cool he treat me now.
 
Y

YanZee

Member
I think 1 day I might over thinking myself somethings that I dont know what will happen to me in the future, I begining to do somethings I ownself also dont know what I'm doing also.
 
quincy1986

quincy1986

Active Member
we make sure he got food to eat got house to stay got clothes to wear got bed to sleep.

i think u know sometimes u try hard only make him further away from u.
 
Y

YanZee

Member
quincy1986 said:
we make sure he got food to eat got house to stay got clothes to wear got bed to sleep.

i think u know sometimes u try hard only make him further away from u.
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he saying me making his life so hard to live, I ask him back, do I ? no respond to him, with his cool treatments again.
 
JuzAngel

JuzAngel

Member
As the relationship progresses, or rather fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment and futility become entrenched, and faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.
Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed, which husband fail to supply that need. Many wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.
Women aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men, unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs, perch securely atop their own time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.
In our culture, the burden of a relationship typically falls on the woman, expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit; if he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on woman doorstep.
You'll need to learn what lies behind the scenes of your husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, you might come to realize that your husband’s behaviour is not your fault after all.
For starters, you might want to try getting in sights from his best buddies, kaki or friends. If possible, get his close male kaki to help you out by getting him to disclose his true fear (man to man talk).
 
quincy1986

quincy1986

Active Member
YanZee

the problem is you keep asking what to do?

answer is nothing for u to do only to wait.

the thing is even if u try to get him to respond to u, the further he will go away from u. 你越是想办法让他别冷漠，他越远离你。my translation in chinese hope u understand.

i know it is not easy and it feels terrible to be emotionally abandoned. if he never say anything, at least it means he is not taking action, like divorce.

go find things to do so that u dont focus on him. go out with friends. make yourself prettier every single day. not for him but for yourself.

我们先要爱自己，才有人疼爱我们。we should love ourselves before we get the love from others.

no matter what happen, we love ourselves 1st.
 
JuzAngel

JuzAngel

Member
Also, remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power, they must maintain control. However, men also realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability & openess, and that scares them (most men would refuse to admit that. Haha..). They falsely assume that openness invites problems (well, sometimes it does depend how supportive wivies are). An evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of, so he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can e.g. about his plans, his preferences, his feelings & etc. And by doing that, they have made a commitment to dishonesty e.g. a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not.

Both sides feel victimized. Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience, and the better they feel.

With the fear of accountability, evasive husbands fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. Men will do whatever they must to keep a safe distance.. Exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden, while we want that feelings brought into view (oops..). Needless to say, poor accountability works against the success of any relationship, for a thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit, a family.
 
JuzAngel

JuzAngel

Member
IMHO, he's either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he also sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. You as the emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized as well.
In a sense, there is truth to each spouse’s feeling of victimization. Both can probably show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. The blaming games starts, and neither sees the whole picture. Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating.
God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.
Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.
That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without becoming confrontational? e.g. you are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.
In short, to improve your own satisfaction and happiness, a major step is to put your own house in order. God bless.
 
Y

YanZee

Member
quincy1986 said:
go find things to do so that you dont focus on him. go out with friends. make yourself prettier every single day. not for him but for yourself.

我们先要爱自己，才有人疼爱我们。we should love ourselves before we get the love from others.

no matter what happen, we love ourselves 1st.
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he never appreciate or say a nice things about me even thou I change new hairstyle or color my hair, to him I'm the same OLD lady that he used to know or sleep with before, even I wear sexy clothes(inside the room only), no effect on him.

 
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