Any Stay Home Mum in the East with Teenage kids to share experience

eelynn

Member
I dnt stay in d east but i hv teens children n m having headache wif it.... D growing stage to watch out for... Freedom n BGR....
 

j&jmummy

New Member
I dnt stay in d east but i have teens children n m having headache with it.... D growing stage to watch out for... Freedom n BGR....
Driving me up the wall at times..! Was not expecting parenting to be this
TOUGH and MENTALLY TIRING...!!!!
Btw Thanks for responding.
 

eelynn

Member
Driving me up the wall at times..! Was not expecting parenting to be this
TOUGH and MENTALLY TIRING...!!!!
Btw Thanks for responding.
U knw, recently my 14yo boy cums n tell me he got a gf... Explained everything abt d right n wrong pros n cons at his age den he said he will go n talk it out wif tis gal. He came bk n told me they ended ugly but remains as friends..... But i found out dat he lied to me n they didnt breakup.... Tis issue has been gving me continuous headache dat i dnt even knw hw to solve....
 

wenz

Member
icic... mine is 10yrs old... had a crush with his classmate...
tat gal seems not interested in relationship and teacher was aware of his affections towards so teacher called me... i was informed but i knew it before she called...

Told my boy, its alrite to like someone... everyone will have a crush with someone nice... but let this admire be at the stage whereby u admire her as a wonderful and clever female classmate, anything beyond, can wait till both finish school and is old enough to be responsible with each other lesson.. i know when tat gal told him she dun like him.. it broke his heart... i tried my best to be there for him slowly explaning and open up his mind...

i'm a young mother too... i dont jump into all that will possible happen to teenage kids... i try to understand... i always put myself in his shoes... at this age, how i wan to be treated by my mum? and i will think thru before i approach my son...

try to be patience... be open.... instead of objecting... make fren with his gf... ask them home for dinner... tell son.. its ok to bring her hm to do homework together but not in a locked room.. teach him about safe sex... underage sex and wat kind of serious consequences will it lead to.. i.e. gf parent may charge him for molest or rape wheather its willing or not willing.. let him know that rape/molest can lead to canning and how serious it can be... unwanted pregnacy etc... its never to young to teach your kids how to protect themselves.. i started teaching my DD now and she is only 4...

cos the older they get.. the lesser they are willing to listen... but when start young... this thing will somehow imprint in their mind and remind them on and off when they are older....

anyway.. diff parent have diff menthod and belief... this is mine...
and u think wat is best for u and him...
good luck!
 

eelynn

Member
Hi wenz,

The prob is tis gal i dnt think she is a good good gal n she is influencing my boy which his frnd too felt dat it is nt right. She knws tis gal frm facebook 2-3 days only n they get 2gether... Nw he even lie to me. If she is a gal who knws wat is right n wrong n will study wan, i still nt dat worried but this gal hangs ard after school n i read tru her fb n found dat she abit nt right wan lor... Like once she posted "can someone gv me a penknife? I m so bored i wana cut myself" wich parents wnt b worried. I m a young mother n gave birth to my 1st boy at d age of 16yo dats y i dnt wan my son to follow my footsteps. He is totally like crazy over tis gal n he is nt in d right stae of mind coz he can tell his frnds dat we r ill treating him n all dat....
 

wenz

Member
oh dear... have u asked him wat he likes about her? wat she do to make him like her?
try to talk to him slowly like a fren advicing fren instead of a mother to child... cos usually mother to child tone will be more commanding and teenagers dont like to be commanded...

this will take time.. u cant cut him off just like tat... u need to talk to him nicely... advicing him... spend more time with him doing wat a family should do, like cook a nice meal and ask if he can have a meal with his mum?.. occupy more of his time like going out togther during weekends...
so he dont hangout too much with his frens..

kids at this age need company... and will usually sticking to people or fren with the same thinking....

dont lose heart.. dont give up on him... jiayou!!
 

eelynn

Member
Hi wenz
I ask him hw well he knws tis gal, he said her parents r separated n remarried. Wat i heard frm his church frnd is he likes a gal frm church but d gal dnt wan so i m juz afraid tis gf is juz a substitute n juz happen dat tis substitute is a no no gal for him. Sigh....
We hv dinners at home 2gether everyday but he is like avoiding. Like we said we go out hv dinner, he will say "huh??? I nt hungry. U all go eat i stay at home"
I hv been talking to him nicely but he juz dnt wana talk much. I wanted to ask if he is still wif tis gal. U think i shd. Coz he told me they ended ugly wich i think they didnt even talk abt breaking up.
Everyday he returns home frm school, bathe n hide in his room either playing iphone or listen music or lying on bed till fall asleep. I ask him to study or do work like hv to beg him coz i can say go n do some studying 4 or 5 times but he juz dnt do it. He is like alwaz on facebook.... N juz canot stop touching his iphone. He is like tis every single day except saturday he goes church n hang wif his frnd den cum bk home same thing... Iphone n music n lying on bed. He is really getting on my nerves so hw can i alwaz talk nicely n patiently to him?
 

stonston

Well-Known Member
Dealing with teenagers:
1. Let him know you are HIS PARENT. You think of HIS interest and future FIRST.
2. Treat them as adults who can think. They really can, if they want to.
3. Teenagers hate repetition. If you are thinking about repeating something, stop.
4. Walk in their shoes. How would you have wanted your parents to talk to you? In a commanding and condescending tone? Or as a buddy?


Honestly, parenting teenagers is not an easy feat. I deal with them daily and they have all sorts of thoughts.

Regarding BGR:
What is your stand? Have you ever communicated that stand to him right from the start, even before he started with this girl?
If no, then it's your fault for not talking about it in the first place.
If yes, then remind him of what you've told him.

What's his stand?
What's his objective or purpose for having a gf?
Does he know the meaning of having a gf?

At 14yo, you can explain to him:
1. GF is someone he loves from the bottom of his heart. How does he know that he loves her? He has to go out with her in big groups, see how she talks to everyone, how she treats everyone (including her parents and relatives), etc.
Is she a respectable girl that he is proud of? Cos his gf reflects his 'taste'.
Will he love her forever? Is he still thinking about another girl?
2. Does he have the money to date? Your allowance for him is purely for his own expenses, not for his gf. She is HIS gf, not yours or your hubs'!
3. At 14, studies is of upmost importance. Is she hindering his progress? If yes, then how is this girl helping him be a better person? Doesn't she want a good future with him?
4. After he met her, he started lying. It's a sign of negative influence. Does he really want to go that way? He is the eldest and has to set an example for all his siblings. Their eyes are watching him EVERYDAY.

If all else fails, you should try counselling.
I see BGR cases everyday and most of them know what to do after I've counselled them.
Sex education & teaching them about consequences (emotional baggage) will go a long way.
Some students I've counselled chose to remain together, but have been super good influences to each other to the point that their marks improved tremendously. Yes, they still have their 'high & lows in a relationship', but I've already taught them how to deal with that and they are free to find me if need be.
 

eelynn

Member
Hi stonston

R u a teacher of wich school?i m clear of ur elaboration.... I hv tried 3/4 of ur suggestions but no improvements...n guess wat....
My last resort nw is i m a bad person while my hubby plays the good wan nw. I forbide him abt hving gf... Whereas my hubby still dnt agree wif him hving gf BUT since they both dnt wana break up, i let them b 2gether but they canot go further den holding hands n he has to prove to us in return his behaviour n his studies shd improve. Only once a week he is allowed to go out wif tis gal for 3hrs but he must inform me where they go n he can oso go out to church n hang wif his church frnds w/o tis gal. There must b mutual trust n if he betrays it n i found out dat he breach wat he promised, i will take bk watever i agreed to let him do...
Funny thing is his church frnds oso dnt hv a good impression of tis gal n said dat she is a bad influence...2day i juz saw his wrist gt a cut mark perharps done by using penknife or metal ruler... My husband said dnt lie dat its a scratch mark coz we knw it isnt n dnt let us see tis doing again.... Wat my boy had done to his hand reminds me of his gf posted on her facebook saying " can someone gv me a penknife? I feel like cutting myself coz i m so bored" this really frightened me... Did tis gal taught him dat???? I really hv tis strong feelings dat tis is nt a right gal for him to mix wif.... He is willing to sacrifise his family juz to b wif her.... He chose gf over family... Tis is real hurting.... Tell him to breakup wif her, he juz said no!!!
Sad thing is his form teacher knws abt this issue n they cant do anything as its a trend in their class to hv gfs.... I m so sad dat teachers in school oso cant help in teaching them n guiding them wen they knw tis prob....until parents call n they juz tell me dnt b hard on him as a few of his classmates has gt gfs oso n its a trend.... Oh god!!!!!
 

wenz

Member
i agreed with stonston in many points...
i talked to my son abt BGR when he ever had any crush or gf before...
i always make it a point to start talking to my kids even way before something happens, dont think that they are too young to understand... they will understand one day... be be reminded of what you had mentioned...
to start drilling into the kids mind until something happen can be too late cos they wun wanna listen anymore...

i always joke around with my son like... " oh soo now u got ur frens u dun wanna eat out with mummy? tat's sooo sad... i'm gonna be a lonely old lady in no time..." etc... i do "sha jiao" to my son sometimes...

i try to keep him by my side most of the time doing things he like to do.. not i like to do... like when he played some games.. i will joined in and we start talking abt it... but when it comes to school work and study time.. i will be more firm to it.. i started this method when he was young... so its more easy for me to handle him now as he knows me..

i'm super frenly and outgoing but when i'm angry with something he does which is not right.. i'm more fierce and stern then he can imagine.. i dont always get angry over some matters so when i'm angry.. he gets the point and quickly do up his stuff...

i always tells him, if BGR bothers him.. never attempt to give up his life for a woman who dont loved him.. think of tat woman (= me) that had always loved him... how can he bears to hurt me like that?
he is always quiet when i teaches him all these and sometimes act like he never listen... but i knew he knows wat i'm talking about and he is actually absorbing slowly...
 

pokemon97

Member
Recently i'm very stressed with my 15 yrs boy, he knew this girl from their school exchange programme. From what i see, she is a playful girl, like to hang around outside. They went out 1st time last 2 week and came back quite late, i'm so angry. He told they went for movies and he taught him some schoolworks. He is angry with hub as he cut his allowance for coming home late. Hub blame me for letting him go out, i guess we can't control them if they really want to. If i stopped him, think next time he rather dont't tell me he is going out with her. I afraid this girl will affect him in studies as this girl is in normal. He told me he wants to go again this Sun. I really stress over this matter, he seldom go out with friends but now.... what to do?? should i stopped him from going out or ??? Any advise
 

j&jmummy

New Member
Recently i'm very stressed with my 15 yrs boy, he knew this girl from their school exchange programme. From what i see, she is a playful girl, like to hang around outside. They went out 1st time last 2 week and came back quite late, i'm so angry. He told they went for movies and he taught him some schoolworks. He is angry with hub as he cut his allowance for coming home late. Hub blame me for letting him go out, i guess we can't control them if they really want to. If i stopped him, think next time he rather dont't tell me he is going out with her. I afraid this girl will affect him in studies as this girl is in normal. He told me he wants to go again this Sun. I really stress over this matter, he seldom go out with friends but now.... what to do?? should i stopped him from going out or ??? Any advise

Hi, I been through what you are experiencing now.
To me it all depends on his attitudes and studies. If your son been coping well with studies and know
his priorities i feel is ok to let him out this Sunday BUT on the condition he is not allowed to go out anymore
till school holidays and must be back before XXXpm. Of course Is best your hubby can fetch him so that you guys will know exactly where he is and also no excuse from your son to prolong his outing. Ask him who are the friends he is going out with and get their mobile numbers.
He will start to detest you if you disallow him to go out straight off.
We have to be reasonable but FIRM!!!

Yes if your son did sound to you about the girl, is best you try to know her in person. You may have a different view rather that worrying now and then. Create an occasion n get your son to invite her.

Importantly do not let your son's issues jeopardised you and your hubby relationship...
 

pokemon97

Member
Hi j&jmummy, thanks for your advise. Actually all the while my son dun give me problem in studies but recently i see him always messaging while doing his work, that's why i worry will affect him. Have talk to him and he agree to let us fetch him home and send the girl back if she wants. My son told me she is a good girl as he believe in whatever she said but i doubt so, as i view her fb, she post a lot of outing pics with friends and most of her friend r in relationship and she ever stay overnight at friend house...hope this will over soon...headache :(
 
Top