Are you ashame that u are a single mother?

[SunShine07]

*hug*

family violence this kind of things, there is once, there will be twice.. actually, have you guys been to counselor and see if things can work out?

your son like to play with your brother in law doesnt simply implies he lacks father love.. kids are like that.. whoever enjoys playing them, they will enjoy playing with that person.. my dear daughter loves to play with my bro also.. maybe becoz guys are better with action funs? my dear daughter love it whn my bro throws her into the air, or let her ride his back like pony.. mummy and grandma surely won have this kind of stamina.. hahaa..

father role is important (especially to daughters), but if the father is absent in the family, as long as there is a male figure the kid can look up to (e.g uncle, grandpa, family friend), i believe they should be fine ..

seeing daddy always beating mummy and daddy is angry, mummy is sad doesnt makes the kid happier nor emotionally secured even if the 'complete family' image is there.. so if divorce is something you have to do to make everything better, you are not making the wrong move ..

JMHO

yeah i do hope that my son won't be angry with me in future. Like my husband keep saying : 'my son will surely hate me for leaving his father'
and what he said really keep me worry about this. Because my husband's mother left him for another man, so he hated his mother so much that he almost didn't get to see her mother on her death bed.

I am very worry that my decision is selfish.

Well, just hope myu son will understand when he grow up

 

[stonston]

Liang Jia, I believe it's a matter of what you tell your son and what he chooses to believe as he grows up. Some kids will resent not having a dad, especially when they see other kids having doting fathers.

My good fren grew up without her father as he was abusive. However, she does not resent her mum for walking out on her dad cos she knows that her mum did that to prevent her from growing up in an abused family. She does not hv any fatherly figure at home so she often comes over to my place to chat with my dad who is now her 'best dad'.

I personally think it's a matter of telling them the truth right from the start, but put it in simpler terms for them to understand.

 

[DodoTan]

I really think it's hard being a parent. Having to do it alone makes it tougher. Needing to face others' criticism only makes it even harder. So I don't think it's an easy decision for anyone to make to choose to be a single parent.

As long as we, the adults, do not bring our problems and mistakes upon our kids and make it their burden as well, we are doing the right thing. As a teacher, I've met kids from whole families and single families. It is how involved their families are that reflects on the child's confidence and success; not what kind of family (s)he comes from.

So, I'd say that perhaps you'll regret certain choices that you've made that led you to become a single parent, but you have no need to be ashamed of it.

 

[Ting]

I really think it's hard being a parent. Having to do it alone makes it tougher. Needing to face others' criticism only makes it even harder. So I dont't think it's an easy decision for anyone to make to choose to be a single parent.

As long as we, the adults, do not bring our problems and mistakes upon our kids and make it their burden as well, we are doing the right thing. As a teacher, I've met kids from whole families and single families. It is how involved their families are that reflects on the child's confidence and success; not what kind of family (s)he comes from.

So, I'd say that perhaps you'll regret certain choices that you've made that led you to become a single parent, but you have no need to be ashamed of it.

i agree to this.
i do regret the wrong man. if i had my eyes opened bigger, i wud hv realised tt it was a mistake frm the start, thus resulting in pin not having a complete family.
thank god i hv my parents, n my dad as a fatherly figure to her.
now, bf is pretty much doting her n she accepts him willingly.

 

[SunShine07]

Liang Jia, I believe it's a matter of what you tell your son and what he chooses to believe as he grows up. Some kids will resent not having a dad, especially when they see other kids having doting fathers.

My good friend grew up without her father as he was abusive. However, she does not resent her mum for walking out on her dad cos she knows that her mum did that to prevent her from growing up in an abused family. She does not have any fatherly figure at home so she often comes over to my place to chat with my dad who is now her 'best dad'.

I personally think it's a matter of telling them the truth right from the start, but put it in simpler terms for them to understand.

But if given a better choice, i hope not to let my son know that he got such a father.....

 

[stonston]

Liang Jia, sooner or later, your son will question. And it's always best to tell them the truth than to lie and have to use bigger lies to cover the original lie.

You dunnid to put it so cruelly tt his father is abusive. You can just say tt his father haven't learn how to control his emotions, so it was better to leave him for the safety of your boy. Tell him that he has to learn from his father's mistake and learn to control his emotions and treat everyone with respect.

I think it's good that you've chosen this path for yourself so that you do not need to live in fear
Maybe you can read some parenting books for single parents (I did see quite a few at NLB). I think the books will be able to help you through parenting your son singlehandedly

 

[Amulet]

Liang Jia, sooner or later, your son will question. And it's always best to tell them the truth than to lie and have to use bigger lies to cover the original lie.

You dunnid to put it so cruelly that his father is abusive. You can just say that his father have not't learn how to control his emotions, so it was better to leave him for the safety of your boy. Tell him that he has to learn from his father's mistake and learn to control his emotions and treat everyone with respect.

I think it's good that you've chosen this path for yourself so that you do not need to live in fear
Maybe you can read some parenting books for single parents (I did see quite a few at NLB). I think the books will be able to help you through parenting your son singlehandedly

agree.. the book i read all reccommand to try to put the truth simply and tactfully instead of lying or avoiding the topic..

 

[SunShine07]

Liang Jia, sooner or later, your son will question. And it's always best to tell them the truth than to lie and have to use bigger lies to cover the original lie.

You dunnid to put it so cruelly that his father is abusive. You can just say that his father have not't learn how to control his emotions, so it was better to leave him for the safety of your boy. Tell him that he has to learn from his father's mistake and learn to control his emotions and treat everyone with respect.

I think it's good that you've chosen this path for yourself so that you do not need to live in fear
Maybe you can read some parenting books for single parents (I did see quite a few at NLB). I think the books will be able to help you through parenting your son singlehandedly

oh thank you stonston for your kind advise. Have been guilty and worry about all these.

Infact, till now i still dun know how to face my relatives. I can tell frankly to my friends, but not relative. You know, CNY sure got to go visitation, then they will sure to ask. Sigh....dun know how to answer to them and how they look at me and my son....

Maybe it is because i have lot of pride...

all singel mummy here, how are you going to answer when you relative asked.

 

[Ting]

actually, my dad side knows im not married and they are okay with it cos they accepted it.
mum side only some of my relatives know, i think maybe already spread to all but no one said anything . maybe cos we dont meet up much also so doesnt bother me.
my cousin (mum side) also divorce cos her hubby hit her. but he still loved his son very much n take him out.
the real story behind, no one knows. but no one oso mention anything abt it.
maybe behind they will gossip, but this kinda things, u cant avoid, just pretend nvr hear lor.

 

[Amulet]

for me, i juz ans straight 'im not married'.. i tried to put it plainly across, w/o emotions, or any tinge of shame or wat.. normally, ppl juz take that and stop asking, unless people who are very close to me la..

my mum's relatives know mostly coz its my mum who break it to them.. i dunno how they react behind me, but infront of me, they are still very kind and nice to me and my girl, so i juz take it as that..

i dunno and dun care if my dad's relatives know coz i haven't seen them for years, maybe i couldnt even recognise them anymore! haha

anyway liang`jia, its not ur fault at all that u are divorced, so i don think u need to feel paiseh or worry how they see ur son..

*hug*

 

[JoyBliss]

Hi,

I agree totally that there is nothing ashame of being a single mother. I am 1 myself. I thought I was prepared to face the qn when posted to me. I always anticipate the qn and prepare my "answers"... until 1 day, I discover my mom told others that my "husband" was abroard working for 1 yr, so for the time being I'm staying with her...

I was disappointed, but my heartache for my parents... that in their old ages, they have to face the discrimination from others because of me... No amt of apology can amend the hurt I bring to my family. I'm not apologetic to my siblings, because they are old enough to handle their friends. But my parents... they are typical chinese... traditional ones... my heartache for them...

So gradually, I learn to align with their lies too... I was hoping to reduce the pressure they are facing... but again... paper cannot cover fire... 1 fine day the cat will be out of the bag.. then how....

I realise 1 thing, it is not enough for myself Not to be ashame of my single motherhood, but crucial to have my parents not to be ashame of me too... After all, my parents are the only support I have now... (I fell out with my siblings cuz of my BB...)

 

[Ting]

Hi,

I agree totally that there is nothing ashame of being a single mother. I am 1 myself. I thought I was prepared to face the qn when posted to me. I always anticipate the qn and prepare my "answers"... until 1 day, I discover my mom told others that my "husband" was abroard working for 1 your, so for the time being I'm staying with her...

I was disappointed, but my heartache for my parents... that in their old ages, they have to face the discrimination from others because of me... No amt of apology can amend the hurt I bring to my family. I'm not apologetic to my siblings, because they are old enough to handle their friends. But my parents... they are typical chinese... traditional ones... my heartache for them...

So gradually, I learn to align with their lies too... I was hoping to reduce the pressure they are facing... but again... paper cannot cover fire... 1 fine day the cat will be out of the bag.. then how....

I realise 1 thing, it is not enough for myself Not to be ashame of my single motherhood, but crucial to have my parents not to be ashame of me too... After all, my parents are the only support I have now... (I fell out with my siblings cuz of my baby...)

same here.
my mum also told her relatives tt i was married.
but i figured out that ppl hv known tt im not. wasnt too difficult to tell since my girl is alr 2 yr plus n they hadnt even met my "hubby" b4.
my colleagues know i hv a baby, n they think tt my current bf is my hubby, so i leave it as tt, dont wanna explain much also.
n bf is comfortable with it as we do hv plans to marry alr.
but i feel bad towards my parents too. esp my mum who fell out with her eldest sister cos she bad mouth abt me.

 

[SunShine07]

for me, i just ans straight 'im not married'.. i tried to put it plainly across, w/o emotions, or any tinge of shame or what.. normally, ppl just take that and stop asking, unless people who are very close to me ..

my mum's relatives know mostly coz its my mum who break it to them.. i dont know how they react behind me, but infront of me, they are still very kind and nice to me and my girl, so i just take it as that..

i dont know and dont care if my dad's relatives know coz i have not't seen them for years, maybe i couldnt even recognise them anymore! haha

anyway liang`jia, its not your fault at all that you are divorced, so i dont think you need to feel paiseh or worry how they see your son..

*hug*

Ya, thanks. after reading all these, i feel much better.

 

[SunShine07]

I think we shouldn't bother about what ppl say.....for me, i only meet up with those relative like once a year chinese new year.

But i think it is better to say the truth rather than if they found out themselve and that's when the starts to gossip and even laugh at us and our parents. But very sad to hear that our close relative to bad mouth us even when we are already going thru so much....

For me, i let my parent said the truth rather than i say out myself...i dun know how to face them.

To them, we maybe shameful of doing such. but as long as we are responsible to our dd/ds and as long as we do our best to give our child the best of life.

 

[SunShine07]

Hi,

I agree totally that there is nothing ashame of being a single mother. I am 1 myself. I thought I was prepared to face the qn when posted to me. I always anticipate the qn and prepare my "answers"... until 1 day, I discover my mom told others that my "husband" was abroard working for 1 your, so for the time being I'm staying with her...

I was disappointed, but my heartache for my parents... that in their old ages, they have to face the discrimination from others because of me... No amt of apology can amend the hurt I bring to my family. I'm not apologetic to my siblings, because they are old enough to handle their friends. But my parents... they are typical chinese... traditional ones... my heartache for them...

So gradually, I learn to align with their lies too... I was hoping to reduce the pressure they are facing... but again... paper cannot cover fire... 1 fine day the cat will be out of the bag.. then how....

I realise 1 thing, it is not enough for myself Not to be ashame of my single motherhood, but crucial to have my parents not to be ashame of me too... After all, my parents are the only support I have now... (I fell out with my siblings cuz of my baby...)

hi, i ready your thread previously, so you decided to move out? have you settle your problems with your siblings about the pet at home?

 

[Amulet]

Hi,

I agree totally that there is nothing ashame of being a single mother. I am 1 myself. I thought I was prepared to face the qn when posted to me. I always anticipate the qn and prepare my "answers"... until 1 day, I discover my mom told others that my "husband" was abroard working for 1 your, so for the time being I'm staying with her...

I was disappointed, but my heartache for my parents... that in their old ages, they have to face the discrimination from others because of me... No amt of apology can amend the hurt I bring to my family. I'm not apologetic to my siblings, because they are old enough to handle their friends. But my parents... they are typical chinese... traditional ones... my heartache for them...

So gradually, I learn to align with their lies too... I was hoping to reduce the pressure they are facing... but again... paper cannot cover fire... 1 fine day the cat will be out of the bag.. then how....

I realise 1 thing, it is not enough for myself Not to be ashame of my single motherhood, but crucial to have my parents not to be ashame of me too... After all, my parents are the only support I have now... (I fell out with my siblings cuz of my baby...)

actually, my mum also tell y neighbours that my hubby is working overseas.. i normally juz smile and go along with it lo.. thn maybe in future thn say divorce liao..

 

[Ashbaby]

Frankly speaking there is nothing to be ashamed of but seriously there is nothing to be proud of......

The writter come from the point of a basic society formation. Its just like Gays/Lesbian cant be going ard to say heh, there is nothing wrong abt me and Im so proud of myself.

 

[Ting]

well, all i can say is. we dont live in a perfect world where everything goes our way. but we try to minimise the damage n live the best out of it.

 

[Ting]

you're welcome amulet.

 

[JoyBliss]

hi, i ready your thread previously, so you decided to move out? have you settle your problems with your siblings about the pet at home?

Hi Liang Jia,

Ya, I'm still thinking of moving out. Still the same with my siblings. But with my brother, it's still managable. With Sis, it's a "Gone with the Wind". Her dog die on Father's Day. That's the point of no return for our sisters relsp.

Now, I'm just not thinking much. Just concentrate on getting a car licence first... My heart cheers all the way to moving out. But again, lots of logistics/finance to iron out first... working hard at it still...