Being better after a divorce?

star70

New Member
Hi

though i have yet to finalise the D, but i suppose its a matter of time. Never in my life did i imagine that a D would occur in my life, things have been smooth sailing all along, but yet i din see the red lights within the 1st few years of my marriage, until it came to a point of no return.

It's easy to say not to blame oneself, blame others, move on, move on...but alas how easy has it been to move on...i been trying to shift my focus but there are bound to be times when the unexpected just happen...like getting a call from the third party to scold me for still trying to tie down my to be ex with kids (since he still wants to go out with the kids once a while)..etc etc...sometimes i wonder..why and what in the world did i deserve all this? My bad temper? My arrogance? or My ignorance to a man's needs? Does a D really let me move on...or if i continue to hang out with that man because of our kids..actually i can never move on..but i can never agree for him to bring the kids out alone thus i follow all the time..i know i chose this type of misery..sigh.
 

1978

New Member
star70, u r not alone too.

I was like u also, still hestiating to step on to the point of no return too. Also got the other woman telling me to leave my husband and let him go since there were no love btw me and my husband. (all that happened two year ago in sept 2011 ) the next thing my life was on a roller-coaster too.. and now my husband himself chose to return back to me after he left the other woman last november 2012. and of cos after my husband patched back with me, the other woman also insisted that i shd have filed for divorce in order to prevent him from returning back and she could still be with my husband by now(to me she is actually unstable and unsound in mental shrugz.)

like other marriages that broke down due to the husbands' affairs everywhere, frankly i also lost feelings for him and without my realising he also lost feelings for me average same period. but now he insisted he woke up and was very remorseful and blind to have such thoughts that the other woman was better than me in many ways but hello, the other woman was still married at the time she had on-going affair with my husband and at the same time he thought the other woman had only her husband n him(my husband) but he never dreamt that she was still flirting and sleeping ard with other men too. as a result he regretted not trusting me and dumped me for her sake which was worse and it left my heart deeply scarred too even now.

Those other women will surely have their retribution somedays. Carry on what u deem fit and dun care abt the other woman shouting or confronting u..

U dun hv to stay in misery and carry on with your life without yr husband(nt sure if u divorced already). Just focus on yourself and your kids and u will be happier one day. Have faith.

for now he said he still got feelings for me and i am still his love but to me it was his way of sweet talking me and of cos i dun feel anything anymore for him except doubts and my mindset that he is a liar and actor forever.
 

star70

New Member
star70, u r not alone too.

I was like u also, still hestiating to step on to the point of no return too. Also got the other woman telling me to leave my husband and let him go since there were no love btw me and my husband. (all that happened two year ago in sept 2011 ) the next thing my life was on a roller-coaster too.. and now my husband himself chose to return back to me after he left the other woman last november 2012. and of cos after my husband patched back with me, the other woman also insisted that i shd have filed for divorce in order to prevent him from returning back and she could still be with my husband by now(to me she is actually unstable and unsound in mental shrugz.)

like other marriages that broke down due to the husbands' affairs everywhere, frankly i also lost feelings for him and without my realising he also lost feelings for me average same period. but now he insisted he woke up and was very remorseful and blind to have such thoughts that the other woman was better than me in many ways but hello, the other woman was still married at the time she had on-going affair with my husband and at the same time he thought the other woman had only her husband n him(my husband) but he never dreamt that she was still flirting and sleeping ard with other men too. as a result he regretted not trusting me and dumped me for her sake which was worse and it left my heart deeply scarred too even now.

Those other women will surely have their retribution somedays. Carry on what u deem fit and dun care abt the other woman shouting or confronting u..

U dun hv to stay in misery and carry on with your life without yr husband(nt sure if u divorced already). Just focus on yourself and your kids and u will be happier one day. Have faith.

for now he said he still got feelings for me and i am still his love but to me it was his way of sweet talking me and of cos i dun feel anything anymore for him except doubts and my mindset that he is a liar and actor forever.
1978 - my D is in process already, i doubt there is a point of return.
He has choosen to stay away from us (move out since Feb this year) and i believe has no intention of coming back anymore.
Probably he feels guilt after the countless affairs (not only 1) and that our marriage was a mistake from the start as he feels i m not compatible with him (after 2 kids..isn't it a shame)..
I have a lot of feelings + hate too...thus i think its also not healthy for me to go on in this marriage, i kept on believing on a complete family for the children, but i guess that could only be a misery for the children if this man is so heartless.
He has suggested a separation but i think he is still unable to settle the mistress, thus i tell myself..what for..just D..
nowadays i have to keep convincing myself my decision is correct, there are times i did silly things to hurt him, hurt myself further..really no end..
 

star70

New Member
pls dun mind me venting out..since i really dun have outlets to pour out to..
i have frens who support who standby me but i can't keep telling them how negative i am feeling, how actually like shit i am feeling..but i have to assure them i am fine, i am moving on, i am ok, i will be strong n positive for my kids...but i know i lied..i am just putting up a brave front, trying to put my family and friends at ease without them to worry for me...but deep down...i really feel dam sick n tired of how life has turn out...its tough to be putting up a tough front always too...
 

1978

New Member
star, dun worry abt it.. i was in your shoes before.. but.... have faith... time will absolutely heal everything in next 5-10 years.. who knows by then u might hv move on and live happily.

besides i also still hv my doubts and fears. these fears of betrayal and money blah blah... are still eating me up and so wat if i and my husband have already reconciled, we still argued and quarrelled and more and more anger words r exchanging now and then.. i dun know when this will stop and we are able to move on happily or not.. I myself dun know the answers too cos i am still struggling with these pains/hurt inside while on outer surface i may look happy and okay as if everything is okay loh.

babe, i do understand wat u r undergoing right now.. be strong. be patient.
 

star70

New Member
1978 - its a conflict isn't it. on one hand i hope that he can u-turn, but yet i know there will be lingering issues maybe never resolve for our characters are like that...to move on, takes a great leap of faith, losing a pillar which i have leaned on for so long..

i have seeked the various outlets too..haha...from chanting scriptures to now seeking psychic readings (from a fren who does so)...to duno what else....its the search for the unknown to trying to find answers..to what i also duno..lol..

from the way i hear from you, things doesn't look positive either, however since 2 of u are still together, i believe it could still be salvaged, but either u or him must learn to let go n gear towards a more positive relationship..otherwise what is the point of staying together?
 

1978

New Member
star70, yeah i must admit it was me who initated almost 90% of the fights. deeply inside i really cannot take it when i see him looking happy or behave normally.. and he even initated the act of holding hands too but avoided intimacy gosh... i guess i might knew by heart that we are not happy together. still have flashbacks of him and the other woman-what could they do? what topics they chatted, what style he did with her when hvg sex blah blah... i guess you knew what i was trying to say..

i really cannot take it in fact. all i wanted is to forget his affair totally n look forward to a happier life.. thus i really wanted to put a full stop to the torments and such a painful past and wanted to open my mouth n tell him nicely i wish and want a divorce and hope he can agree too since our lives are not in syn nor no point trying and trying to salvage the marriage without the feelings. i mean my feelings are almost dead .. he, i dont know how he really felt about me.. few years ago he felt his feelings for me was almost dead too .. if not dead why would he think of pursue love in another woman and felt happier with the other woman and dont care anymore about me . treated me as a pest.. all this while i did not realise it was her although i could feel very strongly that my husband could have affair with her.(guess women instincts are 99.9% right... amazing.) that time i could feel it that he already ceased loving me long ago. thru signs of his strange behaviour.

so for now i just want to have a honest heart talk with him if he is willing to open up about his feelings. and can discuss on the child custody peacefully. want to see if he is open to the divorce idea. i dont wish to carry on living with pain everytime i meet him outside. he still wants me to forget the past n move on happily.. yeah yah yah but how... see him avoid intimacy mean what... see him avoid behaving loving mean what... see him doing things against his own will and please me for what... all he does is just to appease my anger at him but not with his love or heart that he is willing to appease the anger... really enough of it .. why cannot we(he) brace up n move to divorce n forget it.. just stay as friends after divorce n carry on with parenting duties till he has found new love n can be ready to stop seeing my child anymore.
 

star70

New Member
star70, yeah i must admit it was me who initated almost 90% of the fights. deeply inside i really cannot take it when i see him looking happy or behave normally.. and he even initated the act of holding hands too but avoided intimacy gosh... i guess i might knew by heart that we are not happy together. still have flashbacks of him and the other woman-what could they do? what topics they chatted, what style he did with her when hvg sex blah blah... i guess you knew what i was trying to say..

i really cannot take it in fact. all i wanted is to forget his affair totally n look forward to a happier life.. thus i really wanted to put a full stop to the torments and such a painful past and wanted to open my mouth n tell him nicely i wish and want a divorce and hope he can agree too since our lives are not in syn nor no point trying and trying to salvage the marriage without the feelings. i mean my feelings are almost dead .. he, i dont know how he really felt about me.. few years ago he felt his feelings for me was almost dead too .. if not dead why would he think of pursue love in another woman and felt happier with the other woman and dont care anymore about me . treated me as a pest.. all this while i did not realise it was her although i could feel very strongly that my husband could have affair with her.(guess women instincts are 99.9% right... amazing.) that time i could feel it that he already ceased loving me long ago. thru signs of his strange behaviour.

so for now i just want to have a honest heart talk with him if he is willing to open up about his feelings. and can discuss on the child custody peacefully. want to see if he is open to the divorce idea. i dont wish to carry on living with pain everytime i meet him outside. he still wants me to forget the past n move on happily.. yeah yah yah but how... see him avoid intimacy mean what... see him avoid behaving loving mean what... see him doing things against his own will and please me for what... all he does is just to appease my anger at him but not with his love or heart that he is willing to appease the anger... really enough of it .. why cannot we(he) brace up n move to divorce n forget it.. just stay as friends after divorce n carry on with parenting duties till he has found new love n can be ready to stop seeing my child anymore.

1978 - i duno how true when you say there's no more feelings..i realise the more i hate, the more i irked at the thought of him n her is because i care, and the basis is love..if there's no love, there's no need to think so much of such negative thoughts..u would have just 看开and let it go..i am sure we all have feelings for each other...just that it has been so distorted...

if he even bothers to hold your hands, i am sure its a trying effort..unless u r very firm u can live without this man..by all means reject everytime he makes such a move but don't regret when ultimately he doesn't do it anymore...i regretted badly because i do love him very much still..but facts just present to me that it is quite impossible to move on with this man..or rather this man cannot advance with me anymore...

whether he has new love or not..the child is his..unless he is the very irresponsible type..i doubt he will let go of the child..thus the unbreakable bond is always there..i came to realise it after all these months...he does love his children very much...and its a fact that i will hv to be in this kind of unbreakable bond forever...
 

Pocoyo80

Member
Hi star 70, can see from your postings that u still have feelings for ur man and u are still hoping for him to return. I think he should be at least not an extreme jerk if he still love his kids and your love is still there for him. Hence, what are u waiting for? Pursue him back!!

I and my hubby have been married for 10 years and we do go through a rough patch before. There is no affair but he starts to go out very often with friens and colleagues during weekends which became our cause of quarrels that follows. His colleagues includes female married women which i really cannot stand it!! The good thing is he agrees to change and I also tried my best to change myself as well so that he is willing to stay home during weekends. Like u said, u regret going for D. And I believed that if you are willing to put in the effort, make full use of your time with him. Let those days be fun. U can also cook his favorite dishes, dress up and show to him that u still care for him. Who knows he may one day quarrel with the mistress and seek comfort from u?? Do something before u regret and live in misery..,

for myself, I have changed. I control my nagging towards the kids, read up cook book and cook his favorite food, Dress up..., I initiate dates with him as well. Once in a while, I will buy him gift to just surprise him. I have learned that although we are married for 10 years, we should not take each other for granted. I also love my husband a lot and I cannot bear to see him with another woman. I can understand how u feel and it is terrible to D over a third party. Be the gracious one, dun quarrel with the mistress when she called u. Instead, u should try your best and win ur hubby over.

I wish you all the best and hopefully one day, ur husband will appreciate what u have done and ur family is complete once again..
 
[FONT=&quot]Why dobreakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorceor breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of therelationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationshipsbegin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When theserelationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A breakupor divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: yourroutine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extendedfamily and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty aboutthe future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someoneelse? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappyrelationship.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]But thereare things you can do to get through this difficult time. Even in the midst ofthe sadness and stress of a divorce or breakup, you have an opportunity tolearn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person. You have to decide for yourself and not being influence by what others may say. At the moment you really need help. Talk to a counsellor is a good decision whether you plan for the D or to just stay where you are.

PM me if you are keen to seek a marriage cousellor.[/FONT]
 

star70

New Member
[FONT=&amp]Why dobreakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorceor breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of therelationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationshipsbegin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When theserelationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]A breakupor divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: yourroutine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extendedfamily and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty aboutthe future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someoneelse? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappyrelationship.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]But thereare things you can do to get through this difficult time. Even in the midst ofthe sadness and stress of a divorce or breakup, you have an opportunity tolearn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person. You have to decide for yourself and not being influence by what others may say. At the moment you really need help. Talk to a counsellor is a good decision whether you plan for the D or to just stay where you are.

PM me if you are keen to seek a marriage cousellor.[/FONT]
he has many other issues n i think he is very firm he can nvr be with me again..i tried many times but he is just rejecting times n times again..i dun wish to push it anymore...let him settle all the other issues first..if we can ever get together maybe its fate..if not just let it b..now he is just a confused man..
 

blurrymom

New Member
Sometimes I feel that although it is easy to mention the D word, it's very struggling in your mind and heart to actually process the D fact. I always told myself, yes, confirm, I have decided to get a D with my husband as he's hopeless, never to change.. But my mind and heart is struggling with this D fact. I always hope he will change and I always hope that there's a day when we can still stay together as a family, not only for us, but also our baby. It's confusing and frustrating too.
 

1978

New Member
hi Star70, how are you for the past 2 years since your last post.

now are you better? (hopefully yes)

I stil feeling sore but pretty okay for now after my D was completed since feb 2015. me and my son r doing good without an irresponsible man already.
 

star70

New Member
hi Star70, how are you for the past 2 years since your last post.

now are you better? (hopefully yes)

I stil feeling sore but pretty okay for now after my D was completed since feb 2015. me and my son r doing good without an irresponsible man already.
hi! been very long since i logged into forum.
life hasn't been very good, still in the midst of home ownership transfer (dam), and the loans and CPF are giving me headaches. i think i have moved on on on..been doing lots of yoga lately, it seems to zen out the mind. the x is dealing with crappy things now (his own personal issues), i can't really bother already, so i just happily lead my life now :)

Hope you are doing fine too. Life is tough, but i am sure we are tougher!
 
Last edited:

1978

New Member
Hi Star70. me too.. till now everything is running okay but .. hmmm altho already divorced, I thought the worst was over and yes the x really out of my life for half year afterwards, seems he changed his mind and tried to pave his way back into my and son lives. I thought so odd cos I heard he got himself a new love from overseas which i thought is good for him but last few months back he started sms me. arrgghh, my son told me since he disappeared from my son's life, my son almost forgot abt his daddy but now his daddy is back and put in more efforts to spend more with him, shrugs, I was hoping for the ex husband to give up his father rights and leave him alone. my boy is going on 11 this year.

yea I am doing fine but deep inside, I still miss my ex husband. I thought my love for ex is gone for good but however, no. the love for my ex husband is back again.
sigh,,,
 

1978

New Member
now cny is approaching soon, I am not sure if I wanna stay away from my home, feel so awkward without my ex. and my son is going to be with his daddy the entire cny.
 
Top