Do parents/mothers really know what's best?

[tika]

I had this discussion with hubby many times. most latest discussion was 4 hrs ago. And I haven't slept cos my brain is reeling with many many questions...(plus I can't get the tune touched by an angel by sezairi out of my head as well.)

We've heard the phrase parents/mothers know what's best for their child. How true is this? If it's really true, why do some parents end up going to jail for intentionally or unintentionally hurting their child. Were they really of unsound mind like most of us would say? And what about parents who work all day long, coming back only late nights. They could hardly spend time with their child even if they want to. Do they necessarily know what's best? Would a mother really know what's best better than the domestic helper, who takes care of the child the whole day, vs mother who only spends time after she comes back from work? Would the parents know their child better than their domestic helper? Quality time vs quantity time.. Which is better? Old experiences vs new information...If parents don't equip themselves with knowledge by reading or researching about something in particular, would they still know what's best? Should parents just rely on experiences? When should mothers truly trust our maternal instincts? How sure are you that your maternal instincts are always right?

My mother loves to say she knows what's best for me, even now that I'm a mother myself. But we had so many.....MANY disagreements when I was growing up because I felt she did not understand me. We still argue alot now because she thinks she has more experience with children so I should consult her when it comes to my child. So how true is this phrase parents, especially mothers, know their child best?

Your thoughts please.

 

[diymummy]

I feel for any relationship to work out, there should be humility as well as balance.

In terms of work, I feel that sometimes a line needs to be drawn when it comes to working OT. That's what myself, my husband as well as most of my friends do. There're certain days which are "untouchable" and they'll spend that time with their families.

I would think that yes, most parents would know what is best for their children when they think on behalf of the child. For parents who make use of their children and whatever else I feel they are either selfish or they themselves have been in such situations or they themselves have never experienced love and concern.

I also have many disagreements with my parents. But I know most times they say things because they feel that it was the best for me. I know that many people now also have many disagreements with their parents pertaining to how to bring up kids or what to feed and whatever else. For me, I try my best to explain to help them to understand what I am doing. If they cannot accept it, I would just have to remind them that my baby is mine and I will be responsible for my actions.

In our parents' generation, I would think that they would always feel that parents are always right. But for me, I feel that even as a parent I will still make mistakes. I wouldn't hesitate apologising to my child if I know that I have made a mistake. That's what I mean by humility.

 

[meiteoh]

I had this discussion with hubby many times. most latest discussion was 4 hours ago. And I have not't slept cos my brain is reeling with many many questions...(plus I can't get the tune touched by an angel by sezairi out of my head as well.)

We've heard the phrase parents/mothers know what's best for their child. How true is this? If it's really true, why do some parents end up going to jail for intentionally or unintentionally hurting their child. Were they really of unsound mind like most of us would say? And what about parents who work all day long, coming back only late nights. They could hardly spend time with their child even if they want to. Do they necessarily know what's best? Would a mother really know what's best better than the domestic helper, who takes care of the child the whole day, vs mother who only spends time after she comes back from work? Would the parents know their child better than their domestic helper? Quality time vs quantity time.. Which is better? Old experiences vs new information...If parents dont't equip themselves with knowledge by reading or researching about something in particular, would they still know what's best? Should parents just rely on experiences? When should mothers truly trust our maternal instincts? How sure are you that your maternal instincts are always right?

My mother loves to say she knows what's best for me, even now that I'm a mother myself. But we had so many.....MANY disagreements when I was growing up because I felt she did not understand me. We still argue alot now because she thinks she has more experience with children so I should consult her when it comes to my child. So how true is this phrase parents, especially mothers, know their child best?

Your thoughts please.

I think it all depends on what you feel is the best for your child - this is, assuming, of course that you are not busy trying to look for your next addictive fix. Most of the time, drug addicts, gamblers and so forth are just too busy looking out for themselves to care about their children. You cannot put them on the same level as other non-addicted parents.

The definition of what is best varies from individual to individual. Some think that financial stability is good for their child; others feel that it's one-to-one attention. Your outlook and past experience in life will colour the choices you make for your child.

Also, it is about finding that balance.

Every child is unique and therefore every experience you go through with each of your children is different from the experiences that others would go through. Your husband, by virtue of a different mental thought/frame would see things differently and so forth. This is one of the reasons why a traditional family unit comprises of a male and female lead figure plus external social figures like grandparents, cousins, aunts/uncles and so forth. The child will experience different things with each of these figures. This includes how they deal/react with a helper versus a parent. I do believe that while a child may bond closer to a helper in the initial stages, ultimately, they'll fall back to their parents to fulfil their necessary emotional and mental needs.

There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to parenting just as how there is no right/wrong book to advise on parenting. So in other words, it's about balance between experience, instinct and new information. IMHO, you cannot rely solely on one of these alone - instinct is bad if you're a paranoid mum, experience is bad if you're ignorant and new information is bad if it's out of perspective. But if you put all these together - instinct tells you that something is not right, so you look for past experience and verify it with new information - you may find yourself coping with parenthood a little better.

The older generation here in Asia view age as the final authority on experience and decision but often fail to realize that experience is based on exposure as well, not just age. A mother who has had many children will undoubtedly experience more than a mother who just has a child. Also, each baby and individual is the same. Yes, some patterns may be similar but ultimately they are all unique so you cannot use old methods for current times. Current times need current answers. So I do believe that what my mum knew to be the so-called best for me is perhaps only appropriate during her time when I was growing up.

Sometimes my parents too will have comments about how I raise my baby especially my decision to not work and raise her in Singapore instead of sending her to KL. But I always remind them that their role in my daugther's life is as grandparents and not her caregiver. That job falls on my hubby and my shoulders.

Like diymummy, I often find myself having to remind them that this isn't their child but mine. Often, I noticed that grandparents find themselves calming the right to educate their grandchildren - I supposed it's mostly due to our culture and longstanding practice of getting your mother/MIL to take care of your children. It is something that I'm struggling to change in my family. =.=

 

[Ting]

i agree with meiteoh, there is no right or wrong in parenting, its all abt perspective.

we hv our own prespective in life, n to us, certain things r what we wanna acheive n some r not what we feel we need to achieve.
n some tt we do not hv, we would want our children to hv.

financial wise, im sure every mother/parent would want to hv more than enough for their kids. they wanna make sure they hv the best n able to live comfortably.
some parents, who perhaps when young was living a "poor" life, meaning, they only able to wear hand me downs, play used toys, share toys among siblings, only eat veggies for meals, no meat, etc, in short, no money.
so they would wanna work hard, strive hard for their kids n make sure they hv good food, a good environment to live in, a good learning environment. etc.
but perhaps of this urge to give their childrent the best, they sometimes "forget" to give their children extra quality time tgt.

to adults, maybe 3-4 hrs a day to spend time with the kids r sufficient, but to the lil ones, given 12 hrs a day is not enough, they would want 24 hrs (or more if possible) for their mummies n daddies to play n be with them.
but who, has so much time to give their children????

as of experience, each n every mum hv different experiences with their kids, cos every child is different. we cannot use the same method on each child. so what mummies (be it mummy,grandma, greatgrandma, aunty, cousin, etc) do is they share their experiences n exchange advices n gives suggestions. but of cos, most of the older gen, they r more conservative n do not dare to try new things, thus hv disagreement with the younger gen. n also, the younger gen r more stubborn n a mind of their own, thus they also do not listen to some valuable advices from the older gen.

n also, there r new discoveries everyday..
even if u know this info now on the internet, perhaps after a mth or two, the info changes, or more solutions r given... so like meiteoh mentioned, we need to look thru past experiences n also update on new info to come up with solution, if not, a better one.

as of motherly instinct, some part of me feels its in-borne.some ppl hv stronger ones, some do not.i know my motherly instincts r right, is when my mind n my heart tells me, it is not wrong.if i feel uncomfy doing something (or feeding anything) to pin, i wont. i will go n ask, find out, confirm my doubts b4 executing.


parents who neglect their children, those r parents who care n love themselves more than anything. they r ppl who werent brought up properly by their own parents, thus the karma falls on their kids. its like a cycle.
if a mother always hits her kids, then the kid is growing up in such a environment, when he/she becomes a parent, they will also hit their kid, bcos this is the way they were disciplined n the idea is input into their mind, IF they do not hv proper teachings along the way.
same as if the mother teaches her child well, bring them up well, her children will be well mannered n kind, n they will teach their kids the same thing.

BUT, having said tt, we would need to bring in peer pressure too. sometimes, even if the parents r bringin up their child well, we mustn't forget they also hv a rebellious age to deal with.


just feel that, go with your heart n thoughts n if u feel tts the best way to bring your child up, then go ahead.
this is the reason why everyone is different, or else, u will be seeing alot of "you"s on the street.

 

[CanCanMum]

We've heard the phrase parents/mothers know what's best for their child. How true is this? If it's really true, why do some parents end up going to jail for intentionally or unintentionally hurting their child. Were they really of unsound mind like most of us would say?

a) not sure why some parents end up hurting their own child, whether or not its unintentionally or intentionally....i believe this group of pple either suffers from some poor childhood memories, come from broken families or is a different batch of parents from the norm.....not biased but normal parents would not have hurt their own child out of wadever reasons or mistakes tat they have made? This is just some reasons i could think of........

(just to add on, some parents who suffered from poor childhood memories or came from a broken family would instead, learn to LOVE their child MORE than anyone else becoz they do not want their own children to fall into their own footsteps, these are the group of special and strong willed mummies/daddies)

OR

b) think of this another way, we came across news about Children who has grown up, end up murdering their own parents (there was a news report from japan about a guy who killed his own mother, not a recent info but i think was several years ago), we do not know how in the hell this could have happened?

OR

c) there were a period of time when Baber was a cranky noisy cry baby, and he often wakes up during middle of the night when he cried nonstop and refused to sleep for 2-3 hours straight, an evil thought of spanking him or dumping him and locked him up alone in the room came across my mind but the angel side of me tells me this is WRONG and it keeps me in the right state of mind and the motherly love in me creeps in and makes me soothe him down......human thinking is very complex, its just about the right thing to do at the right time. U noe, like we sometimes see in the movies/cartoons we see the EVIL side and the ANGEL side of a person's thinking flashing in a thought bubble haha~~~

sorry but i only talked honestly about how i felt............. no stereotyping or biase-ness

And what about parents who work all day long, coming back only late nights. They could hardly spend time with their child even if they want to. Do they necessarily know what's best? Would a mother really know what's best better than the domestic helper, who takes care of the child the whole day, vs mother who only spends time after she comes back from work? Would the parents know their child better than their domestic helper? Quality time vs quantity time.. Which is better?

a) parents who spend very little time with their children will not know their child well. that is why all working mummies like most of us are so tired out, always not enough time to do this, do that, all weekends burnt......i have seen so many cases whereby the child prefers the domestic helper more than their parents, which is indeed very sad i feel. There was once when i witness a toddler cried nonstop for 1 hour just because the domestic helper went away to run errands, even her own mother was not able to calm her down.

b) no matter how tired or how busy with work, our children MUST always be priority in our life.

Old experiences vs new information...If parents dont't equip themselves with knowledge by reading or researching about something in particular, would they still know what's best? Should parents just rely on experiences? When should mothers truly trust our maternal instincts? How sure are you that your maternal instincts are always right?

a) i must say my way of interacting with my son is influenced mostly (almost 90%) by how i was brought up by my mum. I relate tat to how i was treated when i was a little girl, meaning my childhood memories.

My mother loves to say she knows what's best for me, even now that I'm a mother myself. But we had so many.....MANY disagreements when I was growing up because I felt she did not understand me. We still argue alot now because she thinks she has more experience with children so I should consult her when it comes to my child. So how true is this phrase parents, especially mothers, know their child best?

Your thoughts please.

a) when u r young, everything was decided by your parents and u will have no say in anything. But when we started to get influenced by the external factors like friends/social factors etc, we will have our own thoughts. I guess up to certain age, parents do have to make the most decisions for their own child, until whereby u have the good reasons to justify your decisions, its time to let go?

b) i dunnO how will i react if Baber next time tells me "Mum, i wan to start a business instead of continuing my studies??????????"

OMG..............

 

[camom]

I tell you, life as a parent is not easy. We effectively hold a few jobs at any one time - work all day in the office if you are a FTWM, handle the household chores, baby sitting/child minding duties, marketing and revise schoolwork with sch going kids, chauffeuring, etc. Day after day, even people with sound minds will snap one day esp if they have other worries to boot, if they do not have an outlet to release their stress.

I will be the 1st to tell you I don't know everything about "what's best" for my kids. That's why I am constantly learning new things, techniques on handling them, etc on the internet, through friends and forums. I can tell you what I'll like my kids to be but I can't make them become what I want them to be. I can only aspire for them, I can't force my aspirations on them, neither would I want to force my kids to do something they don't like so that I can live my aspirations through them. Who doesn't want their kids to grow up to be a successful professional, or even the President of S'pore like 1 kid said during last year's NDP?

As a FTWM, my time with my kids are limited. I have to make the best of it and spend quality (as opposed to quantity) time bonding with them. Ideally, I also want to spend most of my time with my kids rather than spend 10+ hours working in an office every day. But I know myself, if I were to stay at home, I will have quantity but not quality, sigh...

I do not agree with some methods my parents/ILs uses on my kids. I usually close 1 eye unless it involves some physical danger. I'll expend that effort and work on my kids instead. For eg. FIL loves to buy sweets & tibits for my gal. Can't stop him though we've told him many many times. What we do is "educate" our gal on the cons of taking the tibits and to tell Ah Gong that papa says no. Also, even if she does like it very much, if we don't nod our heads, she can't take it. If she refuses to take, FIL can't do anything. She'll even tell him to bring it back.

 

[apollo]

i think it depends on whether the mother is the main caregiver for the child. but even so, i dun think the mother/parents noe what's the best for the child at certain times.

and i agree with meiteoh, every child is diffe and unique.. it does not mean we hav 2 kids, we must use the same method of displinary, or gif the same things just becos the 1st one was brought up in this way. =)

 

[CanCanMum]

actually sometimes i am also confused myselfffff

dunnO if i m a good motherrrrrrrr

dunnO if i really know wadsss best or not

dunnO if i followed my mums way of teaching is correct or am i wrong to sometimes give him the easy way out???????????? Like doing homework later............let him play first?

aiyozzzz the more i read the title, the more confused i get tsk tsk tsk

my friend told me tat i m wrong not to send Baber to any enrichment classes, she said Baber will suffer next time when he enters Primary 1............

*shakes head*

discuss with uncle nic he will always say "Anything he do wrong, juz spank!!"

hard to discuss thingsss wif him sometimes muz catch him in the right mooddd zzzzzzzz