Do you spank? Disciplining Toddler

tika

Active Member
Hi jojoki,

Your thread will bring in debates on whether spanking is ideal or not. haha. Get ready for many opinions from many mothers here. (altho i won't be surprised if many say spare the rod? spoil the child! :p)

I discipline my children the moment I sense that they can understand me. However, I do not physically punish them.

I am a firm believer of Positive Discipline for children age 3 and below (title of a book). The book discourages spanking, screaming, belittling (labelling), and other negative ways of discipline towards a child.

(an excerpt taken from the book)
Positive Discipline is effective with children from birth to 3yrs old because it is different from conventional discipline. When ppl talk abt discipline, they usually mean punishment cos they believe the two are one and the same. Real discipline, however, involves teaching. Positive Discipline is all about teaching, understanding, encouraging and communicating - not about punishing. Much of what your little one does in their early years (0-3yrs) has more to do with emotional, physical and cognitive development and age appropriate behaviour than it does with 'misbehaviour'. Babies and toddlers need nonpunitive discipline that enhances their development - not blame, shame and pain.

After reading afew chapters, I was reallllly, trullllly, superrrr skeptical with their approach (mainly because I was brought up the typical asian way, spanked, belittled, ridiculed, shamed, etc). But hubby and I decided to give it a try.

Its been almost a year since we bought the book. We have never spanked our 22 mth old girl yet her teachers and a mother of another toddler (she was in class everyday cos her son kicks and smacks the teacher when he's upset) kept exclaiming how well behaved, smart and independant she is for her age. She listens to instructions very well too. When they asked how we discipline her, we just said we do it positively.

But I have to say, it was truly difficult for spouse and i (ok me especially) to be positive ALL THE TIME. A tremendous amount of patience is key. I can only say so much. I think for someone to really understand what i'm talking about, they would probably have to read the book. But like me, you will definitely ask... surrrre or not this author. Never spank can be obedient mehhh???

:tlaugh::tlaugh::tlaugh:


(disclaimer: I wasn't paid to promote this book. Just sharing my knowledge and what I've learnt through trial and error. I've read many and this one works best for my child. Different child, different ways of upbringing, different levels of patience, will produce different results horrr. parents shd always find the best methods for their child. never follow blindly. :))
 
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Phoebii Cheng

Well-Known Member
Yes I do discipline my child, by giving him boundaries. And yes I do beat him, on the hand or palm rather.....next time will upgrade probably use the cane, but of cos when he does really really bad or wrong things then cane him.

My brother uses the positive approach like Tika, but both my nephew, in front of the parent behaves positively, but behind them, behaves otherwise....

I am not saying positive approach is no good, don't get me wrong......
 

annie

Well-Known Member
i do shout at my girl sometimes n then hit her hands at times too. i dun really know how i can discipline her other than these. how to use a soft approach n make her listen? i do praise n all too when she do things right n of cos i do tell her wat not to do n wat to do(as in wat is right n wat is wrong etc) but at times she really piss me off eg pushes off the spoon and drop all the food onto the floor during meals, purposely throw her cup or bowl of food on the floor when throwing a tantrums.. these, i will hit her hand n tell her not to throw things onto the floor..
 

jojoki

Well-Known Member
Yes I do discipline my child, by giving him boundaries. And yes I do beat him, on the hand or palm rather.....next time will upgrade probably use the cane, but of cos when he does really really bad or wrong things then cane him.

My brother uses the positive approach like Tika, but both my nephew, in front of the parent behaves positively, but behind them, behaves otherwise....

I am not saying positive approach is no good, dont't get me wrong......
haha u r funny "upgrade to cane" but u noe, i have the book too. And initially I used to use positive discipline, but maybe I am weak, my dotter outlast me. If i tell her no firmly (for taking the corner protector and putting into her mouth) 20 times in a row, she will do it 21 times in a row. And yes i truly LACK THAT kind of patience leh

so nowadays I've started spanking her arms n thighs... n i did it softly initially, but she boh hew me so i do it harder,, and she cries... but it WORKS! since that day I ambushed her with a hard spank when she removed the protector, she have NEVER touched it again. And nowadays when i tell her nono she will hesitate touching something.

But the past two nights she wakes up wailing, the kind of wail like she got spanked and i wonder if it was some bad dreams of me spanking her? sigh so heart pain.

But she is one willful and bad tempered child and I know that if I dont discipline her from now.... I cannot imagine the days to come with her in a shop, in a class, in public and when she is a teenager. So I must learn to pull the reigns now.
 

jojoki

Well-Known Member
Hi jojoki,

Your thread will bring in debates on whether spanking is ideal or not. haha. Get ready for many opinions from many mothers here. (altho i won't be surprised if many say spare the rod? spoil the child! :p)

I discipline my children the moment I sense that they can understand me. However, I do not physically punish them.

I am a firm believer of Positive Discipline for children age 3 and below (title of a book). The book discourages spanking, screaming, belittling (labelling), and other negative ways of discipline towards a child.

(taken from an excerpt of the book)
Positive Discipline is effective with children from birth to 3yrs old because it is different from conventional discipline. When ppl talk about discipline, they usually mean punishment cos they believe the two are one and the same. Real discipline, however, involves teaching. Positive Discipline is all about teaching, understanding, encouraging and communicating - not about punishing. Much of what your little one does in their early years (0-3yrs) has more to do with emotional, physical and cognitive development and age appropriate behaviour than it does with 'misbehaviour'. Babies and toddlers need nonpunitive discipline that enhances their development - not blame, shame and pain.

After reading afew chapters, I was reallllly, trullllly, superrrr skeptical with their approach (mainly because I was brought up the typical asian way, spanked, belittled, ridiculed, shamed, etc). But hubby and I decided to give it a try.

Its been almost a year since we bought the book. We have never spanked our 22 month old girl yet her teachers and a mother of another toddler (she was in class everyday cos her son kicks and smacks the teacher when he's upset) kept exclaiming how well behaved, smart and independant she is for her age. She listens to instructions very well too. When they asked how we discipline her, we just said we do it positively.

But I have to say, it was truly difficult for spouse and i (ok me especially) to be positive ALL THE TIME. A tremendous amount of patience is key. I can only say so much. I think for someone to really understand what i'm talking about, they would probably have to read the book. But like me, you will definitely ask... surrrre or not this author. Never spank can be obedient mehhh???

:tlaugh::tlaugh::tlaugh:


(disclaimer: I wasn't paid to promote this book. Just sharing my knowledge and what I've learnt through trial and error. I've read many and this one works best for my child. Different child, different ways of upbringing, different levels of patience, will produce different results horrr. parents should always find the best methods for their child. never follow blindly. :))

lol i like ur disclaimer :001_302:
 

jojoki

Well-Known Member
i do shout at my girl sometimes n then hit her hands at times too. i dont really know how i can discipline her other than these. how to use a soft approach n make her listen? i do praise n all too when she do things right n of cos i do tell her what not to do n what to do(as in what is right n what is wrong etc) but at times she really piss me off eg pushes off the spoon and drop all the food onto the floor during meals, purposely throw her cup or bowl of food on the floor when throwing a tantrums.. these, i will hit her hand n tell her not to throw things onto the floor..
my dotter likes to play with water. she suck a lot of water n puuuuuuu puuuu out! :bmad:
 

annie

Well-Known Member
whahahah. my girl used to do tat too but i just ignore tat.. she stopped eventually.. my girl... she dun cry even though i hit her so hard! she will make funny face at me instead!
 

Ottermum

Member
I've already started spanking my boy when he's around 8 months old!!

I'm not an abusive mum but i admit i lack patience too...super hate it when he throws tantrums and screams at top of his lungs!

But i don't spank him when we're out...he seems to sense that and is even more atrocious when we're outside...and he's incorrigible when grandparents are around!!!

Sometimes spanking helps... my boy loves to fiddle with power switches and sockets...after a few spankings he's learnt not to do it...when adults are around...once in a while he forgets and still does that and i'd firmly say NO to him 10 seconds to let him back off before i spank him...

No spanking under few circumstances; he breaks a glass, spills his drink or throws his toys around etc...all these are either accidents or can be told off verbally...if not he'll be confused why mummy beats me up at whatever things i've done??
 

ping26

Member
haha you r funny "upgrade to cane" but you know, i have the book too. And initially I used to use positive discipline, but maybe I am weak, my dotter outlast me. If i tell her no firmly (for taking the corner protector and putting into her mouth) 20 times in a row, she will do it 21 times in a row. And yes i truly LACK THAT kind of patience

But she is one willful and bad tempered child and I know that if I dont discipline her from now.... I cannot imagine the days to come with her in a shop, in a class, in public and when she is a teenager. So I must learn to pull the reigns now.
I thought picking corner protectors & mouthing things are developmental behv for children below 12-15 mth. My 10-mth old does that too. I just fixed corners with very strong foam tape (rubber was too attractive material) and remove toys from her.

She's also into throwing stuff now. Everyday, I'll allocate some throwing time in specific area, so that she can throw to her heart's content. Luckily, she also likes picking up stuff too. Hopefully, she'll outgrow that in a few weeks' time.

What I'm trying to say is babies will do things like throwing, mouthing. Such behv is normal development. Most normal toddlers will learn rules after firm daily reminders in abt 1-2 mth. 20x per day is normal.:001_302:
(they outgrow certain tendencies within that timespan too).

My baby's also spitting water too. I'm hopeful that she'll speak more words with increased oral-motor awareness. haa
I hv thought of hitting her hand too cos she wanted to pull the window blinds. I didn't. I pulled up blinds and put a distractor toy below it. Perhaps u can put her in the playpen everytime she does something dangerous.

I must say I'm blessed with a good-tempered baby. She responds to no-no from a few mths ago. She doesn't fuss very long. I'll let her fuss a while, then give a distractor toy. Or maybe, I read her behv well?? But throwing things would be unacceptable at 2 years old. I'll definitely do time-out at the very least.
 

jojoki

Well-Known Member
u noe ping, i was just asking my flat mate why is my dotter still mouthing so much at her age.. i tot dat around 12 mths babies should hav toned down mouthing... and she said that it could be lack of oral stimulation??? i mean wat kind of oral stimulation is she suppose to have? I dont really stop her from putting things into her mouth although I am trying to discourage this "habit"?

Honestly distraction works best for my baby. Distraction can stop her tantrums instantaneously and I used distraction up till now and I feel the need to switch method because I don't think distraction is a method to discipline. It merely switches her focus.

But at this point what I want is for her to learn to obey me. I want to instill obedience in her. I want her to learn to control her temper... well it does seems a bit young for me to demand this of her.... I am hoping that by starting early I wont really need to go through the terrible two phase with her.

Nowadays she wakes up, look at the electric socket next to our bed and say "nono" while wiggling her index finger side to side. And when in the living room, she will look at the corner protector and say nono while wiggling her finger. But the thing that worries me is she sometimes in her sleep says "nono" and while wiggling her index fingers!!! eyes closed! I may have gone a little overboard with the "nos"! sigh!
 

jojoki

Well-Known Member
I've already started spanking my boy when he's around 8 months old!!

I'm not an abusive mum but i admit i lack patience too...super hate it when he throws tantrums and screams at top of his lungs!

But i dont't spank him when we're out...he seems to sense that and is even more atrocious when we're outside...and he's incorrigible when grandparents are around!!!

Sometimes spanking helps... my boy loves to fiddle with power switches and sockets...after a few spankings he's learnt not to do it...when adults are around...once in a while he forgets and still does that and i'd firmly say NO to him 10 seconds to let him back off before i spank him...

No spanking under few circumstances; he breaks a glass, spills his drink or throws his toys around etc...all these are either accidents or can be told off verbally...if not he'll be confused why mummy beats me up at whatever things i've done??

Most of my mommy friends spanks. And their kids are obedient. I do agree with you, no spanking when he spills, etc. and most importantly no spanking when I am very angry. May whack too hard. haha. and spank only on permitted areas.. thighs and arms. butt she no feeling la cos got diaper. BUt spanking her really breaks my heart!!!!!!
 

tika

Active Member
Lol jojoki. you know I know why disclaimer is there!

Spanking doesn't gurrantee that your child won't misbehave behind your backs either. Children age 0-3yrs are naturally inquisitive and are constantly learning, but previously, before I decided to take the positive approach, I would punish my dotter for exploring and learning because i lacked the patience to (for example) clean up the mess my girl made when she makes art decorations (with her food) on the floor. I used to equate that exploration and learning to misbehaviour when really, she's just exploring and learning.

For me, if it's safe and doesn't cause harm to anyone (especially to my dotter), i will let her carry on with her exploration. if it's dangerous, I'll just tell her it's dangerous, remove the dangerous object and distract her with something else. This 'kind yet firm' (firm in the sense that she has no choice but to explore something else because mommy says it's dangerous) approach seems to work really well with her.maybe like ping26, I'm also blessed with a mild tempered dotter. :)

And I agree, some explorations are not acceptable. Usually I will Tell her 'this is not acceptable', give a warning and if she does it again, I'll give her a time out.

Haha jojoki. so cute ur girl Sleep talks. Maybe instead of saying no, u can say it's dangerous? I use words like 'dangerous' and 'dirty' more than 'no'. I try not to use the word no to my girl so she won't say no back to me haha.
 
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Stan

Member
Tika,
Do you mind sharing the name of the book, author and where to get it?
I am curious abt the concept as like you, i was brought up the typical asian way, that is to be spanked!! haha... well..i think i grew up ok...so guess it worked to a certain extend..
Am just thinking, when do we draw a line that (if) the positive approach is not working anymore? My SIL who was brought up with the 'love and positive approach', nv been spanked or even shouted at her entire life, always boh hiew the parents when they try to talk reason with her now since from young, she nv face any 'consequences' for her misbehaviour... To her, is talk only what... and talk is cheap?? Or maybe my in laws' love approach was taken to the other extreme end. *shakes head*
So i guess i will need to read more even i can comment even further... hehe
 

jasobias

Well-Known Member
As for me..spanking starts at 3 yrs old.B4 tht just scold only.caning only 5 yrs old n above..thts the guideline for my kids anyways..hahhah
Coz by 5 yrs old a child can differentiate between whts wrong n right so if he purposely misbehaves..then its the cane to the calling.I usually give 3 warnings b4 they get the canning.
 

stonston

Well-Known Member
Every kid is different and there is no 'one method fits all'. If there is, the govt would hv prescribed it in a compulsory manual/user guide when we have kids, isn't it? hahaha. That would be interesting to see!

My boy is absolutely stubborn and the 'soft approach' which we tried before he turned 2yo never worked. He was only caned on the palm less than 5 times and he understood what it means. Give him 3 warnings and carry out punishment. He knows what is coming.

But hb & I have a rule about physical punishment. NEVER USE YOUR HANDS. Hands are for caring, hands are for stroking your child's forehead when they are sick, hands are for giving high-fives during fun. Never let your child associate your hands with pain or punishment. & our punishment is carried out after reasoning and explanation on why he needs to be punished.

My cousin's boys are the same as my boy, but her girl is totally different. There's no need to even be firm with her. You can tell her nicely and there's no need to get angry at all. Same parents, same environment but different characters.

In one of my psychology classes, my lecturer told us that kids who like to push and test their parents limits are usually born leaders. It's part of their character traits. If groomed and nurtured properly, you'll get a wonderful kid who might be the CEO of a big company in future. :p Or maybe even a political leader in SG.
 

jojoki

Well-Known Member
My boy is absolutely stubborn and the 'soft approach' which we tried before he turned 2yo never worked. He was only caned on the palm less than 5 times and he understood what it means..
ouch! isnt canning too young for your boy?

We used to hide the cane at home, and when my mum starts threatening with cane we ( me n siblings) will burst into giggles knowing she will be looking high and low for it!
 

jojoki

Well-Known Member
Haha jojoki. so cute your girl Sleep talks. Maybe instead of saying no, you can say it's dangerous? I use words like 'dangerous' and 'dirty' more than 'no'. I try not to use the word no to my girl so she won't say no back to me haha.
I havent tried time-out on her although my brother is using this method successfully on my nephew. Yes I must use different words di, cos she woke up this morning and her first word was "no-no".

Sadly I feel that my daughter doesnt sleep well at night, when she learnt to clap back then, in the middle of the night while sleeping she clapped, and now "no-no".
 
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