Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me crazy!!!

[mich_liu82]

Hi,

As I mention in my previous thread, my #2 DD is attending school.

She now refuses to eat when she is at school and even at home. Lunch dun 1, tea break dun 1. Milk oso dun 1. But during lesson, the principal told me she is ok. I;m worried she will get gastric, is this normal? Her way of not eating is like on strike dun wanna go school.

Lately her behaviour is really horrible n out of hand. She demands for this and that, and if she dun get it, she screams on top of her voice! If I scold her, she runs to Daddy. If Daddy scolds her, she run to me. And she seems to be making life so difficult for us, for a moment she says she wants "A", den when give her "A", she twist her word, say she want "B", den give her "B"oreadi, she twist her word again, say want "C", so when I give her "C", she suddenly dun 1. Den cry, throw tantrum, scream...

She always want her comfort toy which is her teddy bear. I dunno if she is feeling insecured or wat. I recently just gave birth to my #3 DD. B4 I was preggy with #3, #2 was ok. Den during my pregnancy, her behaviour changed. Now its even worse!!!! She will cry and scream to demand what she wants, den when give her liao, keep twisting her words around.

I was driven crazy by her last night and this afternoon. That I actually hit her on her thighs till its all red with my hands. Then I scream n shout at her at her face! Then just now I told her not to call me mummy bcoz I dun have such a notty daughter. Den I tell her, every moment I see her I will scream n shout at her. I even take her comfort toy and throw it on the floor, den when she came to my bedroom, I shouted at her to get lost.

But now I'm filled with guilt and pain... I dunno what to do, I am so lost... Den see her cry, I so heartpain. But her behaviour really beyond control and I really cannot take it...

Help, Help, Help... I''m losing it...

Or anyone knows where I can get professional help? Should I stop her school. I really dunno wat to do anymore... :embarrassed::tconfused::teek::tno:

 

[stupidyeye]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

Hmm...maybe is becoz of ur 3rd dd come out liao???did u ever tell ur 2nd dd dat gt 1 more mei mei for u to play wif???actualii kids are easily jealous de...u must tell her and also in behaviour let her know dat actually all 3 are e same...mummy also sayang..bt just a little more on e youngest one...coz dey still young....and let her know...dis is how mummy treat u wen u are dis young too...eveyone equal....
no one wants to shout at their own child de...but just sometime reali out of it...and u just venger out....wad i think now is have a proper tok wid ur 2nd dd and apologise to her and i'm sure tell her everyting liao she will apologise too...all kids want attention from their parents...but is just how we as a parent....go and divide our time and care to dem....
ma little bb brother also like dat....i'm now preggy...and he knows abt it...coz ma mum had a tok wid him...tell him dat jie jie gt bb den must tk cr bb in future wen bb cum out....and he now also start to attract attention...he kep on stick to ma mum...dats why sometimes reali nd to spend a little time tokin to ur littles one....they know wad u tok abt..and they understand...

 

[VroomVroomBoys]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

I was driven crazy by her last night and this afternoon. That I actually hit her on her thighs till its all red with my hands. Then I scream and shout at her at her face! Then just now I told her not to call me mummy bcoz I dont have such a notty daughter. then I tell her, every moment I see her I will scream and shout at her. I even take her comfort toy and throw it on the floor, then when she came to my bedroom, I shouted at her to get lost.

But now I'm filled with guilt and pain... I dont know what to do, I am so lost... then see her cry, I so heartpain. But her behaviour really beyond control and I really cannot take it...

Help, Help, Help... I''m losing it...

Or anyone knows where I can get professional help? Should I stop her school. I really dont know what to do anymore... :embarrassed::tconfused::teek::tno:

Darling ... as discussed, take care of yourself & your newborn first ... since you're still very much in your confinement. Leave the teaching & disciplining to your husband for this period ... after your confinement, if it still doesn't work, then you can step in with more drastic measures.

On your end, PLEASE try hard not to lose it again. My wifey sometimes instinctively raises her voice & scold here scold there ... I understand it's all a natural progression from the stress she gets in the office, but such illogical/emotional harshness on the young ones can be both traumatic & ever-lasting.

I'm not saying we should close one eye & condone their misbehaviour ... but I choose to exercise discipline in the "quiet stare" manner, such that I rarely have to even raise my voice or my hands to impress upon my kiddos that this is not what they are supposed to do.

On top of that, I am also inclined to think that Xaria's misbehaviour has something to do with her wanting to seek attention ... very likely due to the new arrival at home. In the meantime, be more sensitive about what is said & done about Zyan to Xaria ... life's sometimes tough, but everything will turn out okay at the end of the day.
:wink: :wink:

 

[Lotus]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

Mich,

I can really hear the desparation and frustration in your post. First of all, do you have anyone who can help ease some of your burden, even in a small amount?

I do believe the new baby is having some effect on your daughter, although her behaviour is also normal for a child her age. Children seek any attention from their parents - good or bad attention they don't care.

At about your daughters age I started a reward chart, as I was getting tired and exhausted of constantly arguing with her about everything. This therefore highlighted her positive behaviour and she could she how well she was going every week. If she was good for 5 days every week then she got a reward - usually something about $1, going to park or special night out alone with mummy. The reward was something she would pick, with my help, as it needed to be something I could find time to do.

Agree about her going on a food strike about school. I know you worry, but no child will starve themselves. In the meantime maybe cook your daughters favourite meals, have her help cook or ask her to choose what she wants for dinner. Also if she eats only one bite then great, give her lots of praise and don't bring up the fact she is not eating as much as you would like.

About her crying and screaming, I assume she's able to express herself enough for you to understand her and she understands your requests. I would say to my daughter that I do not understand the noises and that if she wants something or is not happy she must use words. I would then pretend to ignore her until she comes to me using words.

Irrespective of the methods you use, your daughter wants your time and will take time to change her behaviour.

 

[shaynamommy]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

Mich liu, when both you and your daughter have calmed down, give your darling daughter a hug lasting for more than 8 seconds and tell her that you really love her. best time to do this is when she is about to sleep.

I rotan-ed my 5 yo dd before (but not during my confinement) and she drove me nuts during my confinement as well (she's feelin insecure cos she has been princess for 5 yrs b4 2nd one came along 2 mths ago). However, I kept on assuring her that she is my favorite daughter and for the past week, she has been doing really well in helping me with the chores. Just be patient, you can discipline her by sending her to the time out corner and i have tried to refrain from hitting her these days. Sometimes I just ignore her and she feels really bad. I also set up the good girl chart which I complete on a daily basis.

Girls are especially sensitive and you dun want to end up hitting her and hurting your own heart and your bond with her.

 

[mich_liu82]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]My hubby and I tried bringing her out w/o the little baby just to make time for her alone. But she is also the same. Demanding for this and that.

I tried talking to her nicely that was after me screaming at her the night before, but it doesn't help. It bcums worse and when I talk to her, she just keep answering "NO, I dont want" then she will scream and roar also. then gimme 1 face to see also. That was why yesterday afternoon I snapped.
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Earlier on, when my hubby scold her, she run to me to complain. So I asked her why Daddy scold, she dont 1 to answer me and just keep whining and crying, then she never talk nicely and demanded for me to go to her. So I told her to talk nicely, she didn't want and bang my door and said I dont want mummy. Then I just ignored her...

[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]I am so lost and confuse, I know she is insecured but giving in too much to her spoils her as well. But yet at the same time if dont give in to her or ignore her, im worried she think we dont love her.

My hubby tell me to leave her to him, den when she get scoldin from my hubby, she run to me. I dunno if I should talk to her nicely, or ignore her...
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[stupidyeye]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

hmm..well since ur hubby say leave her to him...den just leave her to him bah...and also jz ignore at e very startin....mayb aft awhile den try tokin to her again??and ask her question again wen she cool down???

 

[Daddy D]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

Hi Mich,
perhaps try changing approach... scold less...use positive words... give her rewards when she's good, in order to encourage positive behaviors... easier said then done though... needs lotsa patience on adults...
e.g.
Mummy/Daddy loves u...
Mummy/Daddy will bring u swimming/shopping after u eat your meals...

Use less of "NO, CANNOT, WRONG, DON'T,..." cos' the kids also imitate the adults...

Me n dw always see this mum bringing her 3 kids to class... she will carry the baby, walk fast with her eldest boy (abt 5/6yrs)... with the 2nd gal (3yrs)running/chasing after... during class, the mum will carry the baby/sayang the baby... but talk harshly or scold the 2nd gal when she cannot follow the class... my dw always pity this 2nd gal... says she's the "forgotten" child.

 

[shaynamommy]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

I'm not sure if this will help... My sister once drove her kids to the orphanage and told them that if they misbehave, she will open the car door and drop them there. The cousins' scary encounter was shared with my dd and she was terrified. Sometimes, I threaten her with that also when I'm at wit's end. Told her that mummy's dAughter dun bhv so badly and so she would be better off wout us at the orphanage. It scared the shit out of her and she'd say sorry and lose her defiance immed. When we're calmer, then I explained to her that she's much more fortunate than the orphans cos we love her.

Another tip that I was taught, tell her that you are sending baby away to your sister or teen nthe elder one will get v possessive is reverse psychology.

Btw, when my dd runs to me to complain that dad scolded her, I always bring her to my dh and ask for the facts. If she has misbhved, I'll then tell her that her dad was correct in scolding her. This allows her to build up the trust in me and also allow her to know that she cannot play the parents agst each other if she's the naughty one.

 

[mich_liu82]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

Last night she seems to be alright with me after bringing her to my DH grandma's place. Den when we came home, she was telling me she dun 1 to go school again so I asked her why, she says school notty.
I told her school misses her, school says shes a clever n brave girl, school wants her to play at the playground. Den she says ok she will go school.

But I know later on she sure got excuses dun wanna go school again, I told my hubby to handle... I cannot stand the heartbreaking part...

 

[Ting]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

did u try asking her why she doesnt wanna go sch?
is someone in sch bullying her?
or is it she is worried tt being in sch= lesser time with mummy?
n ya #3 will hv more time with u so she is jealous??
get her involve more in u n ya #3.
eg, help u take diapers, take clothes for meimei.
play with her n meimei tgt, eg, sing songs, read books.
also, ask her abt her day in sch, like, what she did, what songs she learn, what she ate in sch, her frens? try to get her interested n she may look forward to go sch so tt when she comes home she can tell u and meimei her "stories".

try to put in more patience, after all, she is only 3.

 

[mich_liu82]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

I will be patient with her. She just dun wanna go school bcoz she dun wanna have lunch there...

At least now she is eating... but still very little... Sigh... Today 3rd day never go sch liao... Headache...

 

[choiceessentials]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

Take it easy.

Be patient.

When the child sees so much anxiety ... she will also be affected.

Know it is difficult, believe all parents would have gone thro' .. one way or another.. some ' nightmares' coming from their kids. Growing pains, you know??

So, the consolation is, you are not the only one. It's just some people gone thro' much earlier than you... while others are in the queue.

By then, you will be ready to advise them. Ha.. ha... c'mon CHEER UP!!:tlaugh:

 

[huiling]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

hi,my gal e 1st go sch also dun eat e food there everyday.bt once she get use to it,she start to eat.so u dun worry about her eating lor.ancing_tongue:take it easy.......

 

[mich_liu82]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

Thank you all... At least I feel better...

I was so worried bcoz my #1 DD was not like this...

 

[Funz]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

You have a few things working against you.

1. she is in her terrible twos
2. you started her in childcare only after the birth of #3
3. you are going thru a stressful period with the new baby
4. maid going off soon

Usually, it is advisable to put the child in childcare at least 2-3mths b4 the arrival of the new baby. Starting childcare or school is a major adjustment period for a kid. By starting them b4 the new baby arrives, it gives the parents time to help settle her in. And avoids the possibility of the kid feeling that they are sent to away bcos of the arrival of the new baby.

Right now, if you can afford the help, put her in 1/2 day instead of full day childcare. But never use the threat of putting her in fullday childcare as a punishment if she misbehaves. Especially if you want her to be in full day childcare eventually. Be the one the pick her up, if possible, without #3 and bring her for a little treat. That will be the highlight of her day. At home, involve her in little tasks to help with the baby so that she does not feel excluded.

I went thru something similar with DD when DS was born. She was 2yrs old then. She was totally disagreeable and difficult. And I was also guilty of spanking her, screaming at her and pushing her away. But at the end of the day, all she really wants was mummy's attention and she was feeling threatened with the addition of DS. It takes a lot of effort and is draining. But DH and I have to start anticipating all the things that could go wrong and pre-emt her. For instance, if we are heading out shopping, we have to sit her down and go thru what to expect, the reward if she behaves and the punishments if she fails to behave. And at home, instead of me telling her that is the notty corner, I told her to pick her own notty corner. Of course with conditions that it is not in her own room or play room. We explained to her what that corner is for and got her to tell us what she thinks are behaviours that will get her into that corner. We also agreed on how many warnings she will be given b4 she will be 'banished' to the corner. I even have an egg timer to be used for getting her into and out of the bath or bath time is another battle for us as well.

Not sure what your girl's character is like. My girl even at a very young age has a mind of her own. She does not respond well to being told wat to do. She also has a very volatile temperament. If anything were to set her off, it will be hell for the rest of the day. Teaching her to verbalise her emotions as well as to manage it was also a challenge. We realise that she is unable to let go of her anger or fear or even sadness over an incident. So we had to help her verbalise it and we did funny things like get her to draw the 'bad' feelings and throw it away or shout her anger into a plastic bag and throw it away to symbolise letting the feeling go. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. We were also grasping at that time.

At the end of the day, your girl is 'crying' out for your attention. Things will not improve overnite but it will get better over time. It is afterall an adjustment period for all of you.

 

[pink_daisy]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

y not take her out from the cc/ school for the time being?
she was sent there after your newborn arrived.. so she might be thinking she lost all her daddy's n mummy's love n attention to the new baby.. she might b thinking u don wan her anymore coz u send her to school n only care abt the newborn. might b tough for u since your maid is leaving but mayb just for a month or so until your #2 is more settled down? while she's at home, u can ask her to do 'errands' for u...fetch diapers, feed baby (but with u or your hubby around), read stories to baby etc...does she play with barbie dolls? if yes, u can tell her tat she has a real baby sister now n is time for her to play her role as the 'mummy'... give it a try n c how...

 

[mich_liu82]

Re: Help!!my coming 3 yr old DD behaviour is really out of hand n its driving me craz

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]I guess nowadays kids are all like that... Sigh...

My daughter seems to be beter now, but last night she didn't allow me to carry the baby sister and even hit the baby sister's head...

But at least she is not as temperamental as last week...

My mum in law have helped me to bring her to school these 2 days...

No choice, I gotta bear with it... I wonder how long these terrible 2 or 3 will last...
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