How would you feel or what will you do...?

[Triquetra]

If you try very hard to help your husband to save money but he ends up buying an authentic LV bag for his mom?

My MIL is a very "face-saving" person who insisted on getting more expensive catering during dd's baby shower and more quantity despite that hubby and I tried many times to explain that it's not just money but the food will also be wasted.

Kinda feel that marriage isn't just about 2 people but 2 families, I really don't know how long can I endure. I really hate being forced to do things against my will, especially stupid things.

 

[Ting]

honestly, when you marry, it is really not just involving 2 person, but 2 families.
even in the fufure, your life wont just revolve arnd your hubby and kids.
if your husband is using his money to buy a bag for his mom, let him be, take it as an act of filial piety.
for the catering for baby's shower, just go ahead and order then amt you want, i dont think need to inform your mother in law since you are the one paying.
unless she wants to fork out, then let her order more.

 

[Triquetra]

My MIL always wants to get involved in making decision or wants to be in control. Even like the date of our wedding photoshoot, she kicked a fuss just because we never consult her first.

Despite that I haven't been working since March, I have not asked dh for a single cent because I know how much he has to put up at work and it's really mentally draining for him. I feel bad enough each time he pays for our (including bb) expenses, how could I take or ask him for money? All along I have tried to save money in every possible way. Even when I shop for groceries, buy food for his family etc I also use my own savings and never ask him for money.

MIL insisted on choosing the more expensive caterer no matter how we tried to persuade her. She will say it's "throw face", "shabby" or "people will laugh" etc. She got 'irritated' when we kept saying that no need to order so much and said that she will pay for the excess but it's stupid because she very often ask dh or his brother for money (hundreds or thousand), so in the end it's still his own money.

It's not like dh has excess to splurge. I rather feel drained and exhausted than to let hubby spend on getting a confinement nanny for me. I have no one to help me at all (MIL doesn't know how to take care), have to take care of dd, breastfeed and do houseworks. I told hubby that I am not comfortable with stranger so that he doesnt feel bad.

Even though I am demoralized by my enlarged size but still I decide not to get a massage lady. Throughout my pregnancy I take only public transport no matter how tired, unwell I feel or crowded it is. Eat also order cheaper food, sweat like mad also reluctant to on air con for myself (hubby paying the utility bill).

My mom is helping me to pay my phone bill and helping me to take care of dd when I have to run some errands. She is working herself to skin and bones, I feel extremely guilty towards her. If I can go to work then I would be able to provide her (even being able to buy a non branded bag for her will be great).

I feel really unfair.

 

[MomoMummy]

Seriously, theres not much to do. if its your mum, you can say her. mother in law how to say? i also like you, i dont dare to take hubby money. smtimes when hubby say i will pay you back, i say nvm slowly. but then he forget i also dont want to open mouth to ask.

onli one time when i really short of cash i hint him say " my account lesser and lesser money, haizz.. " then he say ok he transfer money back to me.

when buy groceries or order food, i also use own money. i dont dare to ask hubby for money. onli if he say take money from my wallet then i will take.


hubby send a lot of money back home. mother in law will call him to send money back. before we married its like 80% of his salary. i not happy about it. but i never say. in the end, baby expenses not enough and i have to use my own. paid $1000 from my cash, $1000 from him when deliver. minus all of my medisave.

onli when before i deliver, i told him very seriously. dear we must save money. put some money aside for baby and future. not all you must give to your family. not i dont allow but for our future.
if hubby know you are a thrifty person and not spend on branded stuff or use money like water, he will understand.

do you all have joint savings account? i dont know if i shud open mouth to ask my hubby for joint account.

 

[jal]

My mother in law always wants to get involved in making decision or wants to be in control. Even like the date of our wedding photoshoot, she kicked a fuss just because we never consult her first.

Despite that I have not't been working since March, I have not asked dear husband for a single cent because I know how much he has to put up at work and it's really mentally draining for him. I feel bad enough each time he pays for our (including baby) expenses, how could I take or ask him for money? All along I have tried to save money in every possible way. Even when I shop for groceries, buy food for his family etc I also use my own savings and never ask him for money.

mother in law insisted on choosing the more expensive caterer no matter how we tried to persuade her. She will say it's "throw face", "shabby" or "people will laugh" etc. She got 'irritated' when we kept saying that no need to order so much and said that she will pay for the excess but it's stupid because she very often ask dear husband or his brother for money (hundreds or thousand), so in the end it's still his own money.

It's not like dear husband has excess to splurge. I rather feel drained and exhausted than to let hubby spend on getting a confinement nanny for me. I have no one to help me at all (mother in law doesn't know how to take care), have to take care of dear daughter, breastfeed and do houseworks. I told hubby that I am not comfortable with stranger so that he doesnt feel bad.

Even though I am demoralized by my enlarged size but still I decide not to get a massage lady. Throughout my pregnancy I take only public transport no matter how tired, unwell I feel or crowded it is. Eat also order cheaper food, sweat like mad also reluctant to on air con for myself (hubby paying the utility bill).

My mom is helping me to pay my phone bill and helping me to take care of dear daughter when I have to run some errands. She is working herself to skin and bones, I feel extremely guilty towards her. If I can go to work then I would be able to provide her (even being able to buy a non branded bag for her will be great).

I feel really unfair.

Oh dear, I am really sorry to hear that. It must be very frustrating to see people undoing all your hard efforts. I do not know what else to say to help you. I hope you will find comfort in venting online.

 

[pink_daisy]

ya sometimes my mil oso spends money like nobody business although the money comes from my hubby, her son...
no matter how he tried to tell her to cut down on unnecessary spending, no words seem to get into her.... if can, best to close both eyes.let her be... she's spending his son's hard earned money which we as his immediate family oso would think thrice abt spending. just take it as he's repaying his mum for bringing him up...some filial act... as for the baby's full mth thingy, tell her it doesnt mean most expensive is the best or that they taste better... mayb can tell her that the caterer u intend to get gets very gd recommendations from alot of ppl n sure wont make her no face..

 

[Ting]

My mother in law always wants to get involved in making decision or wants to be in control. Even like the date of our wedding photoshoot, she kicked a fuss just because we never consult her first.

Despite that I have not't been working since March, I have not asked dear husband for a single cent because I know how much he has to put up at work and it's really mentally draining for him. I feel bad enough each time he pays for our (including baby) expenses, how could I take or ask him for money? All along I have tried to save money in every possible way. Even when I shop for groceries, buy food for his family etc I also use my own savings and never ask him for money.

mother in law insisted on choosing the more expensive caterer no matter how we tried to persuade her. She will say it's "throw face", "shabby" or "people will laugh" etc. She got 'irritated' when we kept saying that no need to order so much and said that she will pay for the excess but it's stupid because she very often ask dear husband or his brother for money (hundreds or thousand), so in the end it's still his own money.

It's not like dear husband has excess to splurge. I rather feel drained and exhausted than to let hubby spend on getting a confinement nanny for me. I have no one to help me at all (mother in law doesn't know how to take care), have to take care of dear daughter, breastfeed and do houseworks. I told hubby that I am not comfortable with stranger so that he doesnt feel bad.

Even though I am demoralized by my enlarged size but still I decide not to get a massage lady. Throughout my pregnancy I take only public transport no matter how tired, unwell I feel or crowded it is. Eat also order cheaper food, sweat like mad also reluctant to on air con for myself (hubby paying the utility bill).

My mom is helping me to pay my phone bill and helping me to take care of dear daughter when I have to run some errands. She is working herself to skin and bones, I feel extremely guilty towards her. If I can go to work then I would be able to provide her (even being able to buy a non branded bag for her will be great).

I feel really unfair.

omg, didnt know your MIL also so extreme.
n i salute for being able to save on so much!
u're like my mum!! (not saying u old hor!)
as in, my mum is also very thrifty!
but she spend all on us. hehe.:shyxxx:

 

[apollo]

My mother in law always wants to get involved in making decision or wants to be in control. Even like the date of our wedding photoshoot, she kicked a fuss just because we never consult her first.

Despite that I have not't been working since March, I have not asked dear husband for a single cent because I know how much he has to put up at work and it's really mentally draining for him. I feel bad enough each time he pays for our (including baby) expenses, how could I take or ask him for money? All along I have tried to save money in every possible way. Even when I shop for groceries, buy food for his family etc I also use my own savings and never ask him for money.

mother in law insisted on choosing the more expensive caterer no matter how we tried to persuade her. She will say it's "throw face", "shabby" or "people will laugh" etc. She got 'irritated' when we kept saying that no need to order so much and said that she will pay for the excess but it's stupid because she very often ask dear husband or his brother for money (hundreds or thousand), so in the end it's still his own money.

It's not like dear husband has excess to splurge. I rather feel drained and exhausted than to let hubby spend on getting a confinement nanny for me. I have no one to help me at all (mother in law doesn't know how to take care), have to take care of dear daughter, breastfeed and do houseworks. I told hubby that I am not comfortable with stranger so that he doesnt feel bad.

Even though I am demoralized by my enlarged size but still I decide not to get a massage lady. Throughout my pregnancy I take only public transport no matter how tired, unwell I feel or crowded it is. Eat also order cheaper food, sweat like mad also reluctant to on air con for myself (hubby paying the utility bill).

My mom is helping me to pay my phone bill and helping me to take care of dear daughter when I have to run some errands. She is working herself to skin and bones, I feel extremely guilty towards her. If I can go to work then I would be able to provide her (even being able to buy a non branded bag for her will be great).

I feel really unfair.

if ur hubby has the ability to but a branded bag for his mum then u dont have to wry much.. BUT from ur post, seems lik u're really v thrifty... ur hubby shd be able to see that!

i've not been wking for quite sometime too... have been spending hubby's money but we only spend on what we need... during mil's bday, she didnt ask for much, only want us to go out for a dinner as a family...

if ur mil dont mind paying FULL amount for the expensive buffet, let her order. if not, stand firm! sometimes u really have to stand firm and tell them "we're not rich! we still need to save for our baby!"

is ur hubby scare of his mum? if he's not, pls ask him to keep quiet on certain things... not all things have to inform ur mil...

 

[Triquetra]

do you all have joint savings account? i dont know if i shud open mouth to ask my hubby for joint account.

I dont have any joint account with dh, only yesterday went to open one with dd... the money in that account will be used for dd's expenses.

 

[Triquetra]

Oh dear, I am really sorry to hear that. It must be very frustrating to see people undoing all your hard efforts. I do not know what else to say to help you. I hope you will find comfort in venting online.

Yah I really feel a lot better letting it out because I have been enduring all these and crying to myself.

There is no point in talking to dh about his mom as he will only get offended and defensive.

 

[Triquetra]

omg, didnt know your mother in law also so extreme.
and i salute for being able to save on so much!
you're like my mum!! (not saying you old !)
as in, my mum is also very thrifty!
but she spend all on us. hehe.:shyxxx:

She also gambles frequently etc.
Sigh...

 

[Triquetra]

ya sometimes my mother in law also spends money like nobody business although the money comes from my hubby, her son...
no matter how he tried to tell her to cut down on unnecessary spending, no words seem to get into her.... if can, best to close both eyes.let her be... she's spending his son's hard earned money which we as his immediate family also would think thrice about spending. just take it as he's repaying his mum for bringing him up...some filial act... as for the baby's full month thingy, tell her it doesnt mean most expensive is the best or that they taste better... mayb can tell her that the caterer you intend to get gets very good recommendations from alot of ppl and sure wont make her no face..

My hubby is very filial but I feel he is blindly filial.
Many times I really cannot understand how his mom would bear to waste money and not spare a thought for him since she knows how unhappy he is with his work but continues working to support everyone.

The full month celebration is already over (last Sunday). In the end she chose the more expensive one, insisted that it's recommended by hubby's aunt and that ordering the cheaper will only let ppl laugh and say. She ordered more quantity despite our persuasion and when hubby told her some of our friends wont be able to make it so no need to order so much, she said that already ordered and makign changes will only make things difficult for my hubby's aunt. It was days before the actual day, payment not made and food not cooked... I really dont see why cannot change.

Hubby is already grateful to his mom for bringing him up even though his mom also reminded him. Once hubby tried to explain how tight he is when his mom tried asking for money, she unhappily 'shot' him that she used to spend a lot on his education etc.

That incident made me learn and see that she is the sort of person will ask for repayment in a way or another if she does something for you.

 

[jasobias]

I am really sorry for ur situation Triquetra.Ur mother in law is really terrible.N u just gave birth,ur hubby buy his mum expensive bag for wht?Shld buy for u instead.
I think u no need be thrifty since it seems like all the "savings" u making for ur hubby goes to his mum.If hubby sees less extra money then maybe he give less to his mum or learn how to budget his own expenditure.U shldnt be made to suffer like tht.I hope things get better for u soon!!

 

[apollo]

Triquetra, it's time to keep some si fang qian! since ur hubby is so filial to his mum... what if one day his mum spend ALL ur hubby's money??? we women must not only know how to scrimp and save, also must save some si fang qian...

 

[Triquetra]

if your hubby has the ability to but a branded bag for his mum then you dont have to wry much.. BUT from your post, seems lik you're really very thrifty... your hubby should be able to see that!

i've not been wking for quite sometime too... have been spending hubby's money but we only spend on what we need... during mother in law's bday, she didnt ask for much, only want us to go out for a dinner as a family...

if your mother in law dont mind paying FULL amount for the expensive buffet, let her order. if not, stand firm! sometimes you really have to stand firm and tell them "we're not rich! we still need to save for our baby!"

is your hubby scare of his mum? if he's not, pls ask him to keep quiet on certain things... not all things have to inform your mother in law...

I really dont know, if he knows then why does he still waste money like that.

Really no use telling her and dh is very afraid of upsetting her. Even if she pays the full amount, eventually the money is still from hubby. We dont even need to inform, my mil will keep asking on her own. Come Oct I am sure she will keep asking about flat application again.

 

[Triquetra]

I am really sorry for your situation Triquetra.your mother in law is really terrible.and you just gave birth,your hubby buy his mum expensive bag for wht?Shld buy for you instead.
I think you no need be thrifty since it seems like all the "savings" you making for your hubby goes to his mum.If hubby sees less extra money then maybe he give less to his mum or learn how to budget his own expenditure.you shldnt be made to suffer like tht.I hope things get better for you soon!!

Thanks jasobias.

There are a lot of reasons why there is a need to save, really long story... Furthermore I feel more secured if we have some savings in case of emergency.

I also dont want dh to feel lousy which he does when he is unable to financially help his family members. His parents took a lot of money from his brother as well and his brother was stressed as he needed money for his education then dh got rather depressed that he couldnt help his brother.

Hubby also feels bad when he couldnt afford to give the amount his mom wants and she would start crying. He feels bad that he couldnt do provide the kind of lifestyle his mom wants. I am quite annoyed at this as his mom isnt working (couldnt find a job as she wants high pay and little work kind of job), just gambling, partying and shopping. Even houseworks are done by me and my fil.

I can ignore his parents' constant request for money but it really hit me hard that instead of saving the money for the next time his mom or dad wants, he and his brother voluntarily got her a branded bag.

 

[MomoMummy]

Thanks jasobias.

There are a lot of reasons why there is a need to save, really long story... Furthermore I feel more secured if we have some savings in case of emergency.

I also dont want dear husband to feel lousy which he does when he is unable to financially help his family members. His parents took a lot of money from his brother as well and his brother was stressed as he needed money for his education then dear husband got rather depressed that he couldnt help his brother.

Hubby also feels bad when he couldnt afford to give the amount his mom wants and she would start crying. He feels bad that he couldnt do provide the kind of lifestyle his mom wants. I am quite annoyed at this as his mom isnt working (couldnt find a job as she wants high pay and little work kind of job), just gambling, partying and shopping. Even houseworks are done by me and my father in law.

I can ignore his parents' constant request for money but it really hit me hard that instead of saving the money for the next time his mom or dad wants, he and his brother voluntarily got her a branded bag.

admit that your mil is realli horrible + terrible. are you all living under one roof? dun wan work but spend so much. GAMBLE somemore.

when u complain, yah they will say i brought u up lei, i give birth to you blah blah blah.. just hav to tahan..

hope that this wont affect your relationship with yr hubby. he also bo bian.

 

[Ting]

wah triquetra, your MIL is HORRIBLE.
nightmare!

hugs to u!
i think like regina said, keep some money for yourself, in case of a rainy day.
dun even let your hubby know! if not later his mum wanna buy this n tt or sustain her gambling habits then he take to use how?
if he found out then say its for your DD future. like education n all.
well, its better u keep it for u n your DD rather than letting your MIL waste them!

 

[Ting]

but, for me, if my mum tell me the i bring you up, spend so much on you bla bla, i will just tell her, hello, you CHOSE to give birth to me, its your job and responsibility to RAISE me. and you chose to spend all those money on me mah, i never force you!!
hahaha, oops, tts what i told my mum once in a heated arguement, and she kept quiet. LOL!


but make sense right?:mtongue:

 

[jal]

Yah I really feel a lot better letting it out because I have been enduring all these and crying to myself.

There is no point in talking to dear husband about his mom as he will only get offended and defensive.

My hubby behaves in the same way too whenever I make some comments about his mother. Since I know there is no way I can change things, I try to change my way of thinking. In this way, I am more at peace.