I felt so helpless and have lose my trust on my hubby. Before marriage, I agreed to share on studio album taking (S$2k). It was later that I found out it should be paid by the guy and I told my hubby about this. Instead of offering to return me the money, he said I was unfair to ask him to pay all. I told him to check with other couples and he asked me why he should verify. He was disappointed that I did not value fairness and ask me what will I feel if I am treated unfairly. I cried and he did not console me and said that if he console me, its like agreeing to the behaviour of a spoilt kid. I was then on silent war with him. This is not the first time that we quarrel over finances. He also did not offer to pay all for the gynae fee and delivery. After I told him and all silent war, he agreed to pay medisave in full and cash equally. Even the confinement and tonic he said he share equally. Sometimes I would imagine my hubby treating me nicer but he lived by "principle" of fairness. I really hate him talking about fairness. I was upset that he did not care about me crying when I was pregnant. He said I was unfair to him if I ask him to pay all. Do you think I am asking too much? Because of this, I have lose my trust in him. He did not care how I feel. How I wish he is like any other husband out there who loves their wife.
Hubby did not console me when I cry.. now on silent war
- Thread starter pucca
- Start date
nyati22
Member
Hi Pucca, u need to haf a heart to heart talk with your hubby and ur finances. Both of you need to come up with an agreement on how the expenses of both of u should be divided, be it equally or he should be paying more.
I would like to apologies first and foremost if what I am gonna say here will make you angry or hurt but in my honest opinion, you have both agreed to share the studio album, why listen to others and insist on him paying for it?
At the end of the day, it is the both of u who will make the marriage work, not the others.
We are living in a modern society and we need to banish all those old ways/stigma of the responsibilities of the husband versus wives.
For Instance, the husband should also contribute in the daily chores and taking care of the kids.. These of course applies to those couples who are both working.
Hope everything will turn out well for u! Cheers!
)
I would like to apologies first and foremost if what I am gonna say here will make you angry or hurt but in my honest opinion, you have both agreed to share the studio album, why listen to others and insist on him paying for it?
At the end of the day, it is the both of u who will make the marriage work, not the others.
We are living in a modern society and we need to banish all those old ways/stigma of the responsibilities of the husband versus wives.
For Instance, the husband should also contribute in the daily chores and taking care of the kids.. These of course applies to those couples who are both working.
Hope everything will turn out well for u! Cheers!
)As a husband, I believe that certain items should be bore by him like gynae, children's expenses, utillties etc. If not, what should I marry him? Might as well stay together and everything half half. You also got to see his income, if he can afford paying, you should let him know your feelings and insist he pay for it. If he cannot afford then I guess no choice have to half half lor.
angiebaby
Member
i think your hubby did nothing wrong, you are his wife, not his kid, why can't you pay 50% when you and him are both working adults? why some women have the idea that man should pay everything when family is made up of 2? my and my hubby everything 50/50 and we pay our own bills, for baby expenses we will share 50/50 also.
i think it will give a couple equal position when both are financially independence, why wife must live on hubby when you can earn your own livings? we are at modern world now, if we are requesting fair treatment on everywhere else like working environment, i dont see why we are shouting men should pay all the family expenses unless the wife is not working.
the baby is not solely his, you are carrying him/her in you, so why cant you just pay half if you can afford since it is your baby too?
getting married is not to have a long term rice bowl and eat for free, its for start a family and live with them for the rest of your life, if who pays what become so important than the relationship, the stay away from marriage might be a better choice.
live on you own will give you max freedom, that what i believe.
i think it will give a couple equal position when both are financially independence, why wife must live on hubby when you can earn your own livings? we are at modern world now, if we are requesting fair treatment on everywhere else like working environment, i dont see why we are shouting men should pay all the family expenses unless the wife is not working.
the baby is not solely his, you are carrying him/her in you, so why cant you just pay half if you can afford since it is your baby too?
getting married is not to have a long term rice bowl and eat for free, its for start a family and live with them for the rest of your life, if who pays what become so important than the relationship, the stay away from marriage might be a better choice.
live on you own will give you max freedom, that what i believe.
Thanks everyone for sharing their views. Hi nyati22, I agreed to share with him because i din think much about it when we happily sign up for studio photos..but when I found out from other couples that guys are the one paying, I told him nicely and he was unhappy that I checked with others. From his response, I kinda disappointed that he just want me to share his finance equally. And I dun feel loved after he ignored my feelings when I cried. Hi esoterice, I have agreed to share with him on child expenses and confinement already. It was like if I dun share with him equally, he will not be happy. But deep within, I am upset that he is so calculative and I dun feel special.
I know what you mean, I also ever before on some item I can't rem what. After agreeing, like u, I found out that other friends hubby are paying. Well, I did tell him (but must be tactfully) the reasons and why I feel that way and then in the end I did contribute but he paid more than me, something like 3/4 to 1/4.
In the beg, we always half half, but now, his income has increased quite a lot and he will pay more. I just just him to pay and he also nvr decline. Its not about calculative-ness I think, but just a gesture that he is providing for the family lor.
In the beg, we always half half, but now, his income has increased quite a lot and he will pay more. I just just him to pay and he also nvr decline. Its not about calculative-ness I think, but just a gesture that he is providing for the family lor.
I married my hubby not that I want him to support me. My savings are more than him, though now he earns slightly more than me. But I become worried that he married me because he want me to share his financial burden. I am upset because i did not feel that he dote me when I am pregnant and he is only agreeable to share equally in almost everything. Am I thinking too much and shall I just agree to sharing everything to make our marriage works...but there is still this heartache inside me that he is not like any hubby out there who makes their wife special.
Hi pucca, didn't u know ur hubby is such an "equal" person before marriage? Y do u have to feel sad when u found out that others husband r paying full for the album... Some of my friends pay half for the banquet...
My hubby did not pay for my gynae visit as well but he pay for other things such as grocery, food n car... Sometimes i paid for the food as well... We take turns paying for the baby stuffs... But cause he is earning more, he paid for big items... He had never pay for my shopping.
I think u got to find a way to work out with your husband. Since he is a man with principles, u got to check with him what is his expectation n what is ur expectation ... Otherwise how r u going to continue on with him.... Think back, what is the reason u marry him....
My hubby did not pay for my gynae visit as well but he pay for other things such as grocery, food n car... Sometimes i paid for the food as well... We take turns paying for the baby stuffs... But cause he is earning more, he paid for big items... He had never pay for my shopping.
I think u got to find a way to work out with your husband. Since he is a man with principles, u got to check with him what is his expectation n what is ur expectation ... Otherwise how r u going to continue on with him.... Think back, what is the reason u marry him....
nyati22
Member
Hi pucca, I know it sucks that he did not console u when u are down.. But I think he has his reasons.. U went back on ur words. U said share, but coz of wat u found out from others, u now wants him to pay.
I feel that you really need to find out where both of u stand finance wise.. Like wat tannie has mention, u need to sort this out ASAP! How to carry on morever with the baby otw..
I feel that you really need to find out where both of u stand finance wise.. Like wat tannie has mention, u need to sort this out ASAP! How to carry on morever with the baby otw..
Mandy Wong
Member
Hi pucca, did you not talk to him before you get married? I always feel that it is good to have a talk on financial and other stuff before deciding to step into a marriage... Is he like this even before you all get married? I usually will observe my bf behaviour before deciding to be with him... Before getting engaged, he already told me everything will be borne by him and he is fine with it... But if i shop a lot then i have to take care of my own shopping expenses..
I think your husband is just a bit calculative? Hmm... some mummies here think it is ok to go 50-50 but for me, i still think the guy should pay for the family... maybe not 100% but at least most of it?
I think your husband is just a bit calculative? Hmm... some mummies here think it is ok to go 50-50 but for me, i still think the guy should pay for the family... maybe not 100% but at least most of it?
yes, it may be his fault tat he nvr console u when u cry. but maybe u should understand why this happen? talk it out.
but to me marriage is not just abt $$. whoever earn more or less, i feel is a must to borne the expense together. both hubby n me nvr talk abt who take $$ out more or less. we got our own bank account, but when it come to our daily expenses, or gynea visit or even now w/ a little one coming, we just take our cards out to spend.
we dun really care who spend more or less. wat we earn is our $$, we nvr divide it. watever his is mine, watever mine is his also. we married to be together as family not as individual person.
every family is diff, nvr compare.
but to me marriage is not just abt $$. whoever earn more or less, i feel is a must to borne the expense together. both hubby n me nvr talk abt who take $$ out more or less. we got our own bank account, but when it come to our daily expenses, or gynea visit or even now w/ a little one coming, we just take our cards out to spend.
we dun really care who spend more or less. wat we earn is our $$, we nvr divide it. watever his is mine, watever mine is his also. we married to be together as family not as individual person.
every family is diff, nvr compare.
It will be sad if the guy get married jus to share half the burden... hence the gal have to make her own judgements why she wana marry him... some gals r ok with the idea of sharing while some not... it is no point feeling sorrowful, things hv to be communicated...esoterice:641803 said:
I agree that he is insensitive that he didn’t comfort you when you are crying, but guys are typically more insensitive human beings and some men might actually be afraid of women crying.
As for finances, I think there is no one absolute correct method in how you want to split up the finances. Essentially both of you have to agree on how both of you want to work out the shared finances for the family and that will become the correct method.
However, once both of you have come to an agreement on the finances, NEVER COMPARE with your friends. To put it in another way, how would you feel if your husband agrees that he will share the housework with you. But after a get-together session with his guy friends/colleagues, realize that most of them don’t do housework at home and then try to push everything to you, how would you feel?
As you are pregnant now, your feelings might also be partially influenced by hormones… I know that as I sometimes go through a roller-coaster emotional ride myself…so think it through how you want this marriage to work out and have a good talk with your hubby.
It might not hurt to tell your hubby that you are feeling more emotional nowadays because you are pregnant and would like more TLC from him. Sometime men just don’t get it as they don’t go through that. Remember communication is the key.
As for finances, I think there is no one absolute correct method in how you want to split up the finances. Essentially both of you have to agree on how both of you want to work out the shared finances for the family and that will become the correct method.
However, once both of you have come to an agreement on the finances, NEVER COMPARE with your friends. To put it in another way, how would you feel if your husband agrees that he will share the housework with you. But after a get-together session with his guy friends/colleagues, realize that most of them don’t do housework at home and then try to push everything to you, how would you feel?
As you are pregnant now, your feelings might also be partially influenced by hormones… I know that as I sometimes go through a roller-coaster emotional ride myself…so think it through how you want this marriage to work out and have a good talk with your hubby.
It might not hurt to tell your hubby that you are feeling more emotional nowadays because you are pregnant and would like more TLC from him. Sometime men just don’t get it as they don’t go through that. Remember communication is the key.
littlematchgirl
New Member
In my opinion, I think guys should be the one who contribute more to the family. This practice has been going on since centuries ago. The wife can work and earn money too but most of her income should go to her own savings, jus in case hubby or wife lost their job or if her marriage doesnt work out and she will have some money to start all over again. If the hubby refuses to contribute more to the family, I find him very useless and calculating. This will cause a strain on the relationship in future. If he insists on fairness, ask him why do you have to be married to him and take his surname and why do you have to bear his baby, go through pregnancy and labour pains only to have the baby take his surname too? It's because you are married to him and is a member of his family so he should show that he is willling to provide for his family and not be so calculating and insists on fairness. There is really no fairness in this world, only choice. He can choose to be more generous and giving if he wants to and on your end, if you can accept his 'LOGIC' then accept it and make the marriage work, if you can't, i suggest you look other alternatives, maybe talk to him to make him change his viewpoint etc....
we contribute half half for our marriage & family, too... i even contribute more coz i used to earn more than my hubby... he still contribute the same amt though he has a pay rise... i don mind so much as long as he is nt so calculative with other stuffs such as ah-hoc treats & etc...