Hubby that cares for himself only

[kikotecho]

i have 2 kids - 3yrs (girlgirl), 3mths(meimei)
its getting on my nerves and consider to leave him in few years time when my kids gets older.

dont help to take care children
since the 1st kid, he dont't play or carry girlgirl. even meimei he also seldom carry. as my elder wants to sleep with me, hubby slept in other room.
so when comes to middle of the nights, i am only one who woke up to settle their milk time and diapers changing.
After reach home from work, he can play with his mobile all night and not play with kids.

Share cost
how do you handle hubby who share cost? if we are eating restaurants, for sure will be on dutch. and he is the one who suggested.
he is very calculative, even if buying fruits. in the past, he would treat me to movie, but i will have to buy popcorn set. i think its ridiculous.
only recent years, i will get his treat only on 2 or 3 special occasion. fyi, he earn much more than me.

there are more incidents that i think he should think for the family and not himself. communication doesn't work for us. i had used email, letter, sms, talked, shouted, cold war, attitude, bang table, but listen only for 1 week and become old self the next week. Recently, we had hired a maid, housework issues is temporary in peace, else it was used to be me.

i think with all the actions above had clearly shown him i am very pissed off with so many things handling alone. but seems he is like a stone or is really testing where actually my limits are?
now the last resort i may use is to leave the children and walked out, uncontactable for 2 days.

with all the above, i sometimes rather prefer that we dont't see each other as much as possible to avoid quarrels. i always say him,"eveything you want to share cost, why not you share to help take care children?! the children doesn't belong to me only!". Now, i uses alot of SMS to communicate to him, reducing face-to-face talk. becuz outcome will be quarrel.
i end with something for all unmarried ladies. dont't ever think you'll change your partner characters if marry or bear children for him. i really believe that a leopard never changes it's spots. and dont't be soft hearted.

 

[HoneyLicious]

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation.

firstly, does your hubby not like children from the start? After you get married did both of you planned on having babies?


I heard similar situation with couples who have children from "accident" or those had children without mutual agreement e.g wife more keen on baby than hubby vice versa. Both party must know that bringing up children is a shared responsibility, so you have to sit down and talk about it in terms of duties and cost. Set some rules between you and him like mine are: no me-time until the kids are asleep, meaning no using phone, Internet or tv. I have 2 kids that are close in age, so their schedule are alike, during daytime I have a helper to help me but once hubby is home he takes over. Usually when he comes home he handle 1 i handle 1 we will bathe, feed, play, change clothes and put them to sleep. So it's fair as we take 1 each. The 4 of us sleep together although my kids seldom wake/ask for milk at night they occasionally does so our deal is if its our boy my hubby handle and our girl me handle.

But let me share also, there are few period where my hubby is just like yours for short while, mostly when he just changed job, he will be stressed out and pressurised by it, when he got home he needs his "me time", usually he watch his shows or play with his phone and leave the kids to me. I tolerated it and understands what he went through, but I give him max 2 month and I expect him to resume him parental duties. Like most men sometimes they get carried away, so instead of confronting him which mostly end up arguing, I would talk to him during our dates when we are in good mood and without the children interrupting us. I would say that couple time is important too we date twice a month with the help of my in laws and helper on alternate Saturdays. Sundays is helper off day so we work hand in hand caring for the children so he totally understands how tough it feels being a stay home mom.
So whatever issue I have with my hub, anything I'm not happy with I would keep and have a heart to heart talk with him during the date, as talking with him on weekdays will mean we go to war as we both are tired so tend to be sensitive.

for the cost issue, you can try suggesting putting a percentage amount from salary into a joint account, so by percentage means he will contribute more but not feel unfair. Money issue is a sensitive one, make financial planning early and revise every now and then. For me I have my own income although I'm a homemaker, I don't divide 50 50 on our expenses but I pay for big ticket items like hdb down payment, I also bought our car in cash and paying for children school fees. Hubby pays for day to day expenses like groceries, house bills, car petrol and maid expense. On our date he pay for everything too but he has since we dated.

its important for couple to communicate well, face to face talk is best, timing is important too, don't talk about serious stuff on weekdays when both of you are tired from work instead wait til weekend. Make time for dates, once or twice a month at least as I felt it makes a difference for me and hubby, we feel closer therefore easier to communicate.

hope that helps.

 

[Alisa]

my husband will not always pay for meals, sometimes i pay for it. tho we are both working but we are don earn much, in fact, we are consider below average... We have a joint account, what we buy for our hse, our baby or any expenses for both, we will use joint to pay. We will put equal amount into the joint mthly and if not enough or like now bcuz of my preg, we need more $$ in the joint for my check up, we will add on equal amount into it too.

u will need to sit down with yr husband and ask him, what he thinking. u may need help from your parents, his parents and even relative on this. maybe he will listen more to his parents. do only keep the problem to yrself, it is not healthy and if u walk away, who will take care of yr children?

 

[kikotecho]

Percentage is a no no. He dun even dare to let me know his income. Don't misunderstand, I don't spend his money. I had also "feedback" to in laws abt him not helping out on taking care kids. Hubby only said by them and he kept quiet but still old self. Now got helper around, it only ease my load. He still the same. Thanks Honeylicious and Alisa, I thot of fwd ur msg to show him. Let him know his thoughts are not common. He is the man of the house so show me he can handle responsibility.

 

[HoneyLicious]

Sometimes my hubby get too comfy with helper too, sometimes ordered her to change/bathe the kids but I will remind him afterwards(not in front of helper of course) that we had agreement that he should do his part when he came home for the kids and leave the helper to do housework. So yeah, men will be men not like us.. They do better with rules and constant reminder. Like I said earlier, spend some time outside with him and talk it out. Did u and hubby have regular date?

 

[kikotecho]

@ Honeylicious

No, no dates. Only occasionally meet for dinner after work. When thot of go out and will spend $ on food, he will start to divide. Simply no mood already. He not foodcourt type. He picky on food. 1 simple meal can cost abt $7 above.
Sometimes when I good mood, I will talk to him nicely abt daily events. But instead of also into discussion, he will be sarcastic or "suan" me. Piss off leh. Eg. "U not clever wat so blah blah blah..." then kept repeat. If many times a person talk to u like that, wont u stay away?
I also had raised this issue before, but outcome same. So now I oso not interested if he tells me what going on at his work place. I just kept quiet & play games on phone & dont comment.

Sometimes I thought was it me who has high expectations from him? But I don't think so...

 

[Alisa]

do u wan to go to counseling with him?

 

[HoneyLicious]

Was he like that when u guys still dating? My hub sometimes goes through a period of being sarcastic heck-care-everything-else attitude, but it usually last 1 week. It's work related stuff. But I know my hubby well, he's very caring and helpful and wonderful father so after awhile I will talk to him and he cool off, back to original self.

im sure your hubby not like that otherwise u won't marry him right? If he choose the restaurant he wants he should pay for it. And it's so so common for men to pay for meal, some even feel good as traditionally man brings home the bread. Say thank u when he treats you, make him feel good. Most men needs prompting, in order to give us what we want we gotta start 1st.

if nothing else works please seek counseling, don't give up yah.

 

[kikotecho]

Thanks ladies for the valuable comments. Haha. I think I should be the one to go for counselling instead. =)

 

[roudx]

I think most guys need to be reminded. I'm due 2 months later. Not yet encounter this problem YET. However, we have a chihuahua dog at home. And I always have to remind him to do this do that. Very simple stuff like, clearing / washing our dog's pee tray because she poo poo or urine inside. But he takes his own sweet time to do it till I get fed up.
Example : I asked him to clean it 2 hours ago, and he's still sitting infront of his computer playing games or watching video. So I always tell him off saying, he can delay when I ask him to help as I can't bend down to clean (too tiring for me)
If next time our daughter is born, i ask him help me change her diaper... Is he going to wait 2 hours later??
I am worried about this problem too.
But I think it can be solved as hubby listens to me alot (other than cleaning dog peetray lol)

 

[raoow]

Kikotecho: Sorry to hear about your issues with your hubby. I agree with what you say, don't expect to change the guy after marriage or bear his kids. So must know how he is like before marrying him. Else will suffer next time.

Have you asked him what his rationale is for splitting everything? And was he already like this when you were dating?

Sorry to probe but would it be a good time already to let your elder daughter sleep in her own room? A couple sleeping separately isn't good in the long term.

Actually counseling is a good idea. If he isn't ready for it, you might want to see a counsellor first, then get him to join in other sessions, if he wants the marriage to work out.

 

[Xuda]

i think the most important is communication

 

[Mandy Wong]

Money is really a sensitive and tricky issues. Before married, I actually discuss about how are we going to handle our financial issues. He say he can give me all his pay and I only need to give him a small portion for his transport and food. But I only requested him to give me half of his pay. The rest of his pay he will keep for his own stuff. When we go dating, he will also pay for our meals and such. Basically his money is my money.

 

[Xuda]

a person's character changes with times.

My husband have also changed to someone so different from the time i know him.

 

[kikotecho]

yes, he was like that when before marriage. and i give in becos that time i start working 1st while he is still studying. like i said, i thot he'll change after marry and be more sensible. but... haix. really getting tired to try to get things better. and its like whatever things i try to do, doesn't work. so i just move away from it.
i know sleep separately is a damage to relationship, but i feel better not to face him. i think i've done enough of initiatives, that's enough. now i walk one step see one step.
those ladies who had discussed whatever issues with hubby before marriage is a good move, honestly i didn't.

maybe some ppl will say, at least ur hubby doesn't flirt around or having affair, that's a plus point.. but then want me to be tired till die meh? sorry, if i side track.

 

[kikotecho]

oh ya.. personally i dun really trust counselling... cos i feel they also comment base on their "feel/think". they may be right or wrong.

 

[nicepeople]

The problem is between two of you and your marriage. It has nothing to do with the children but so often children got dragged into the problem – and that is unfair for them. They are innocent and when adults making such negative decision they are the one have to face with the consequences. You give them a visual image of a mother out of control. This image is extremely difficult for children to process.
By walking out, even for one day, now he can blame you rather than himself because your behaviour has demonstrated that you are an unreasonable, uncontrolled person. Removing his guilt or giving him the opportunity to shift the guilt to you is not a part of the recovery process; it pushed him further away from you.
Have you try going for counseling sessions? If you can’t afford, try to google for free counselling services in Singapore or just call FSC near you house.

 

[mrinstinct]

yes, he was like that when before marriage. and i give in becos that time i start working 1st while he is still studying. like i said, i thot he'll change after marry and be more sensible. but... haix. really getting tired to try to get things better. and its like whatever things i try to do, doesn't work. so i just move away from it.
i know sleep separately is a damage to relationship, but i feel better not to face him. i think i've done enough of initiatives, that's enough. now i walk one step see one step.
those ladies who had discussed whatever issues with hubby before marriage is a good move, honestly i didn't.

maybe some ppl will say, at least your hubby doesn't flirt around or having affair, that's a plus point.. but then want me to be tired till die meh? sorry, if i side track.

Pardon me if I say in a nasty way... Out of so many men you chose him and is not like after marriage or after giving birth he change. Given his personality before marriage and you accepted him willingly thus there is no one you can blame.

I am speaking from my personal experience.

i still feel that communication is the best way... Explain to him the extreme part if nothing gets resolved and emphases the outcome if there is no sharing of burden or each responsibilities. Is not threaten is when the rubber gets overstretched it will break. Now is the ultimatum - time.

Make sure that both of u have real time together and talk over it. Send ur kids to ur parents house or in law hse to have quality talk time.

If the above really fails, then u think about separating cos at least u try...

if he really treasure the family and u or the marriage, he shld listen but then that also depends how u talk to him.... How u drill the message across into his head.

All the best.

 

[Justwantsimple]

Hi kikotechno
i am in similar thoughts as you. I want to divorce after children grown
up else i pity my children who will always be with maid. My hub do help to take care but only awhile and can doze off kind. I cannot stand it. He is a weekend dad because he does not go home on weekdays until wee hrs. So weekdays dinner is always alone for me and children. Weekends nite is out for entertainment as well. His thinking with me in terms of raising a family is different so different. I want a man who is a family dad and a husband who can entertain me at home not one who say need to earn money. No counselling would be useful for is because i have told him these and he havent change since. I have given hope and staying only for children. I do feel very lonely at times and hope i can find a friend who can talk
and relate to.

 

[pehliping]

Agrees that communication is very important in relationships. kikotechno and Justwantsimple, are you positive that the issues have really reached the stage where the only solution is divorce ? i am just thinking for your kids. i mean regardless of how old they are, they are still likely to be affected mentally should their parents decide to split. Of course, not implying that you have to hold on and suffer. Just feel that maybe there is still hope ? Perhaps you can still make an attempt to connect with your hubby. I have seen friends going for seminars and workshops with their spouses just to make things right ... just a suggestion ...