Fact: People compliment you in front of you... but behind you, they are gossiping about how old you were when you gave birth and wonder if it was shotgun/unplanned.
i'm confused :(
- Thread starter pipi
- Start date
LOL... the cruel truth!
For me I just admit cos people will sure calculate when you were married and how months later your baby is borned... I do think there could be people gossip behind my back but heck I don't owe them anything... Cos they don't pay for our baby's expenses also...
You should SERIOUSLY think what you want in life. If you decide to have the baby, then, it is also YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to raise the child. Don't shift the blame to other people or push it to other people. And, yes, getting pregnant and having a baby is a joy. But, you need $. Basically in this world, everything needs $. Don't you want to give your child the best?
Yes, with your qualifications, it is hard for you to find a job. How about going into sales line? For example working as a waitress or at mcdonalds? The pay is low, but at least you can gain some experience and hopefully can get a chance to upgrade yourself later and get better pay.
You asked us for "advice" and now you say that we are against you. Everyone has their own views and it is ok if you do not want to "heed" or listen to our views.
Ultimately, this is your life and I hope you won't regret when you look back because, you can't go back to past and change things.
Yes, with your qualifications, it is hard for you to find a job. How about going into sales line? For example working as a waitress or at mcdonalds? The pay is low, but at least you can gain some experience and hopefully can get a chance to upgrade yourself later and get better pay.
You asked us for "advice" and now you say that we are against you. Everyone has their own views and it is ok if you do not want to "heed" or listen to our views.
Ultimately, this is your life and I hope you won't regret when you look back because, you can't go back to past and change things.
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I don't know if Pipi is going to read this or not. But I'm going to to write anyway. We adopted a baby boy recently. His 18 year old birth mum gave birth to him and gave him up for adoption. I applaud her for not going for an abortion but giving him up for adoption. It must have been a difficult decision for her. She was 18, working in a hair salon, kicked out from her family, living on her own, boyfriend dumped her. Basically, she had to fend for herself. Is the baby boy in a better situation by being with us? You decide. He has parents that love him to bits. Planning his 1st birthday 6 months ahead. Grandparents that totally dote him. He's not going to be worried about having shelter, food or education. His basic needs will be met. What would his life be if he stayed on with him mum? I don't know. I can only guess. I'm not saying that young single mum will do a bad job. Don't get me wrong but it takes sacrifices. Is Pipi willing to make the sacrifices? I doubt it. Even as adoptive parents, we make sacrifices for him. Yes, it's hard to give your child up but think, what is the best for you and your child. If you're willing to make sacrifices and change your life. Do it. If you still want to smoke, drink and party, well, then motherhood is not for you.
Fisherman's Friend
Member
Hmm...its seems like nothing will get into her head, coz i dun think she remembered having this thread already!
Lets not judge her too critically by what she says and how she reacts to comments? We all have been 17 once and we know how it is like. The fact that she comes to this forum and seeks for advices shows that she is more sensible than how we think she is.
I have to admit it would be tough on me to give up my entire social life at 17 to take care of a kid. So kudos to you for making it this far (if you are still following your thread). However i must admit you have to change your life to adapt as a working mummy, esp if you wanna keep your second child. You cant have the best of both worlds. It is a give-and-take.
I was turning 22 when i got pregnant. I had to give up my flight stewardess job because same like pipi, abortion was never on my mind. Can you imagine the stark contrast my life before and after pregnancy? Days of clubbing, drinking and hanging out late with my same-age-group friends are gone. No more flying to different countries around the world. No more salary. Sometimes i even got jealous of my hubby cuz he could do those things i could barely.
But do i regret? No at all. I do admit i gave up on what a typical 22 year-old finds impossible to live without. But no one else can find the excitment of my darling kicking my tummy time and again, the anticipation to visit my gynae so to look at her one more time in the ultrasound scan, the joy of browsing forums like this to look for mummies with common interests, similar problems, and sharing experiences with each other.
I am in my third trimester now and have 2 more months before i welcome her to the world. I spend as little as possible, so to save as much for my darling. I still do dinners with my peeps but no more drinks-after-dinner as i get tired easily. I recieve baby hand-me-downs from relatives. I am lucky as my less-than-sensitive hubby learns to care for me more and stays at home to accompany me more often. My mom too, is excited for her grand daughter and would ask me to go home and drink tonic soups.
You may not have a supportive partner, pipi. But i am sure your parents are around for you, seeing that they take good care of your darling miaa. There are lots of kids doing great with single mothers. For me, I rather no partner at all than having an unsupportive one. I know it is very difficult to look for jobs now that you are pregnant. Do you think you can live on your savings for a few months before you give birth? Just be more thrifty? I am sure you can find a job after that, whether of not psle qualifications. If you really wanna keep your child, you really gotta control your clubbing and drinking. It is expensive and not good for health.
It is your call to decide on the fate of your second child as you know whats best for yourself and your child. I believe despite being 17, you are more matured than your peeps for being a mother.
I am sorry if i sounded harsh or preachy anywhere. Just my 2 cents worth.
I have to admit it would be tough on me to give up my entire social life at 17 to take care of a kid. So kudos to you for making it this far (if you are still following your thread). However i must admit you have to change your life to adapt as a working mummy, esp if you wanna keep your second child. You cant have the best of both worlds. It is a give-and-take.
I was turning 22 when i got pregnant. I had to give up my flight stewardess job because same like pipi, abortion was never on my mind. Can you imagine the stark contrast my life before and after pregnancy? Days of clubbing, drinking and hanging out late with my same-age-group friends are gone. No more flying to different countries around the world. No more salary. Sometimes i even got jealous of my hubby cuz he could do those things i could barely.
But do i regret? No at all. I do admit i gave up on what a typical 22 year-old finds impossible to live without. But no one else can find the excitment of my darling kicking my tummy time and again, the anticipation to visit my gynae so to look at her one more time in the ultrasound scan, the joy of browsing forums like this to look for mummies with common interests, similar problems, and sharing experiences with each other.
I am in my third trimester now and have 2 more months before i welcome her to the world. I spend as little as possible, so to save as much for my darling. I still do dinners with my peeps but no more drinks-after-dinner as i get tired easily. I recieve baby hand-me-downs from relatives. I am lucky as my less-than-sensitive hubby learns to care for me more and stays at home to accompany me more often. My mom too, is excited for her grand daughter and would ask me to go home and drink tonic soups.
You may not have a supportive partner, pipi. But i am sure your parents are around for you, seeing that they take good care of your darling miaa. There are lots of kids doing great with single mothers. For me, I rather no partner at all than having an unsupportive one. I know it is very difficult to look for jobs now that you are pregnant. Do you think you can live on your savings for a few months before you give birth? Just be more thrifty? I am sure you can find a job after that, whether of not psle qualifications. If you really wanna keep your child, you really gotta control your clubbing and drinking. It is expensive and not good for health.
It is your call to decide on the fate of your second child as you know whats best for yourself and your child. I believe despite being 17, you are more matured than your peeps for being a mother.
I am sorry if i sounded harsh or preachy anywhere. Just my 2 cents worth.
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meiteoh
Well-Known Member
Okay, I just have to say this - I was 17 once but I have enough cow sense to not get myself into ANY form of trouble which involves a penis. And I didn't go around calling people mean for giving me advice that I didn't want to hear.
Not everyone who comes to a forum take advice well - some are here more to find support and "yes" men. We don't live on an island and really, lets call a spade a spade. It's the truth - that she got pregnant twice with babies from two different BOYS, both are not married to her and she gets all huffy puffy when people get honest with her. Sorry la but life is like that.
If she was matured enough, why hasn't she shown up to follow up on the advice - against or for her? Noooooo, instead she berates SG mummies for being "mean". Aiyo.
BeingSingle
Member
hmm...really..gals..i am surprise that this thread is still alive.
obviously she is here for attention and not advise. this shows her immaturity.
she wants everyone to 'sayang' her and say how brave she is but she doesnt want to face the fact that she is immature and selfish.
yes..i say selfish. her parents are paying and looking after her baby and soon, yet another baby, simply because she thinks she is the heroine by keeping a baby. but did she consider her parents and the fact that she is not able to maintain, bring up and guide her babies properly? She cant even afford to keep herself alive by herself w/o her parents!
i call it selfishness and irresponsibility. its out here point blank.
not mean but factual and real.
anyone can have babies and keep them but its the bringing up and ensuring the babies' well being is the most important.
look at india, look at the children all starving to death...they have no problems having babies..in fact, they churn out babies after babies..but look at those babies...
to keep a baby (because of her own foolish and irresponsible act of not being responsible enough to ensure safe sex) and get angry when someone suggest adoption (for the good of the baby's well being)...really? whats there to even discuss or advise anymore when she does not see this???
obviously she is here for attention and not advise. this shows her immaturity.
she wants everyone to 'sayang' her and say how brave she is but she doesnt want to face the fact that she is immature and selfish.
yes..i say selfish. her parents are paying and looking after her baby and soon, yet another baby, simply because she thinks she is the heroine by keeping a baby. but did she consider her parents and the fact that she is not able to maintain, bring up and guide her babies properly? She cant even afford to keep herself alive by herself w/o her parents!
i call it selfishness and irresponsibility. its out here point blank.
not mean but factual and real.
anyone can have babies and keep them but its the bringing up and ensuring the babies' well being is the most important.
look at india, look at the children all starving to death...they have no problems having babies..in fact, they churn out babies after babies..but look at those babies...
to keep a baby (because of her own foolish and irresponsible act of not being responsible enough to ensure safe sex) and get angry when someone suggest adoption (for the good of the baby's well being)...really? whats there to even discuss or advise anymore when she does not see this???
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lydiaveroni
Member
you are just like my elder sis. she is 22 with 2 kids. go drinking and clubbing and keep telling me she has no money. lucky for her, her in-laws are willing to take care of the kids. but my sis still has to pay for their education and medical. she got married 4 yrs ago but moved in with my eldest sis right after she gave birth to her second child last year cos her husband was cheating on her.. but recently she's been seeing so many men that i cant even remember their names. at first i was happy that she was ready to move on. i helped her financially or in whichever way i can. until i realised shes been going out clubbing and drinking till 4 am(i stayed with my bf and didnt know till i moved in together). she broke her promise to her son to take him to macdonalds for breakfast on his 4th bday. so the night before he waited and waited at my place for her till 1am, holding on to my phone hoping that his mum will call and come home soon. the next day we woke up and she wasnt around. my bf and i took him to macs in the end. and the mum was DRUNK so didnt come home. my goodness. can u imagine how disappointed my nephew was?
that was a too much. and i feel occasionally drinking with friends and collg is fine. really, once a week is more than enough. nightlife cost alot. so only go if u can afford it. if you're still relying on your parents financially for your kid, pls stop your nightlife and use the time to earn some money working at cafes or something constructive. else to me, in other words, you're relying on your parents money to go out drinking and clubbing as well. i have cut giving my sis money and demanded her to return all the money she owe me if she continues her life this way.
ultimately, the one who suffers is the kid, not you. if u think you're in a bad state, how bout orphans like us who have no parents to rely on.
that was a too much. and i feel occasionally drinking with friends and collg is fine. really, once a week is more than enough. nightlife cost alot. so only go if u can afford it. if you're still relying on your parents financially for your kid, pls stop your nightlife and use the time to earn some money working at cafes or something constructive. else to me, in other words, you're relying on your parents money to go out drinking and clubbing as well. i have cut giving my sis money and demanded her to return all the money she owe me if she continues her life this way.
ultimately, the one who suffers is the kid, not you. if u think you're in a bad state, how bout orphans like us who have no parents to rely on.
Amulet
Active Member
OMG.. that is so sad....
MyHappyKids
Member
Giving up 2nd baby for adoption is not advisable.
Either continue the pregnancy and give birth to a happy baby or go to the gynaecologist and terminate the preganancy.
If you like baby and kids so much, then obviously the former choice is suitable.
The next issue after you decide to keep the baby is how are you gonna give them a heathly life?
Can your mum help you to take care of the baby when you go and work to find bread and butter?
In singapore, if you have a job then I believe you and your baby + kids lives will more or last be guranteed.
As for your bf, support him mentally for his pursue of academic attainment.
However, he had to find means ($$) to support his fees while you support the kid and baby.
That's what I thought of for now..
Why do you say that giving up 2nd kid for adoption is not advisable? So it's better to terminate which is to kill than to give the baby a chance of happy life with a family who will love and support and care for it even though it's adopted? I adopted my son. We love him like our own. He goes to a private pediatrician for his injections, eats organic food, has lots of clothes and what's more important is that he has parents, grandparents, aunties and uncles who love him. When we adopted him, friends and relatives around the world sent presents to him. So isn't he in a better situation than being dead (aborted) or with his teenage mother who have no idea what's going on and probably getting drunk and every weekend?
MyHappyKids
Member
I understand yo stance and views on adoption. Saving a life is better than killing it. But my view differ frm you becoz how sure r the foster parents r like u? Material comfy is secondary then the mental and psychological connectiong. Wil the foster parents take gd care and nourish him into a useful and caring adult? It wil even b worst if the foster parent suddenly have their own offspring.
In another angle, hve u think about the "loss" that the mother who gives the baby up for adoption? Frm wat we can see, thread starter loves baby and kid alot. Wil u allow the mother to visit the baby as a friend?
Moreover wat I port r my own opinions in the hope tat I can persuade her to give birth and take care on her own. Coz I had suggested way so she can work and take care of the baby.
Do read and try to understand where I put my emphasis.
1 successful story doesnt guarantee another.
I can only say yo son/daughter is lucky to b adopted by both of u.
In another angle, hve u think about the "loss" that the mother who gives the baby up for adoption? Frm wat we can see, thread starter loves baby and kid alot. Wil u allow the mother to visit the baby as a friend?
Moreover wat I port r my own opinions in the hope tat I can persuade her to give birth and take care on her own. Coz I had suggested way so she can work and take care of the baby.
Do read and try to understand where I put my emphasis.
1 successful story doesnt guarantee another.
I can only say yo son/daughter is lucky to b adopted by both of u.
I really feel sad for people who think like you. I hope and sincerely hope that the rest of the young ladies in Singapore WILL NEVER think like you. Gone is the era where adopted children are treated badly. I've met many adults who were adopted and were sent abroad to study. Their parents love them with no difference from their biological children. If the mother had brains for mental and psychological connection, do you think she would get pregnant in the first place? By the way, the poster's first child is not by the same father as the second child. And the boyfriend that she has now is not the father of her second child. I find it hard to believe that you think that killing the baby is the easier way out of pregnancy. I would allow my son to meet his biological mother if he so wishes to when he is 18. But this is his choice. If you have read the poster's blog, you would understand why there are people who encourage her to give up her child for adoption. By the way, I work as a teacher. I've seen kids that are raised by teen mothers. Pardon me for saying this, 8 out of 10, these teen mothers do not do a good job. The job is done by kid's grandparents. Very often these teen mothers and fathers are out of the picture. I sincerely hope that this poster will not end up like the teen mums that I get in contact with.
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MyHappyKids
Member
So u think giving up to adoption is the correct and natural path for young unmarried parents to take?
Frankly, have u think of the social impact if all unmarried mother does your way? U r encouraging irresponsible acts for youngsters. U make it like its the best way for her.
We, singaporean r being trained by our 1st world government to b independent and self independence unlike those in hongkong.
Frankly, I am offended by the way u put it as singaporean r immatured being.
Who in tis world beside u think its a non-brainer choice for thread starter?
There wil always b two sides to a coin. It wil land either sides. It is not a simple rite or wrong in ts choice. She has to decide whats more appropriate.
Frankly, have u think of the social impact if all unmarried mother does your way? U r encouraging irresponsible acts for youngsters. U make it like its the best way for her.
We, singaporean r being trained by our 1st world government to b independent and self independence unlike those in hongkong.
Frankly, I am offended by the way u put it as singaporean r immatured being.
Who in tis world beside u think its a non-brainer choice for thread starter?
There wil always b two sides to a coin. It wil land either sides. It is not a simple rite or wrong in ts choice. She has to decide whats more appropriate.
initially, i started my reply of this thread with hope that the thread starter will change her character, her lifestyle, take up her responsibility for her current child and her coming pregnancy. i gave lots of encouragement (if you read my threads) despite all the very discouraging comments towards her. i had hope that through this experience, she would change and become more mature. so i wanted her to give birth to her child and look after herself and was against the idea of other forumers who suggested adoption.
however, as time passes, and feedback from some of the forumers who have read her blog, she has not learnt her lesson and in fact said that the thread replies here were mean to her. majority of the thread replies i felt were not mean but painted a picture of the reality of this world and the consequences of choices. the harsh reality made her feel that the replies were harsh. so i read some of her blog posts and i felt greatly disappointed.. i really did hope she would mature out of it but no..
we encouraged her to work. she said she only had psle. so her job opportunities are very limited. we suggest those low requirement ones like waitressing, etc but it seems like she doesn't really want to take on those jobs. at that point of time when she found out she was pregnant, she was disturbed and she went to drink with her boyfriend.. from this u can tell that she is not that mature already.
so from such a background, it will not be a wise choice for us to advise her to take care of her child.
in addition, she said she love kids and is pro-live. so an abortion is most likely going to harm her psychologically and make her feel guilty since she is steadfast in her stand of no abortion.
hence, the best option is to choose adoption. yes, i agree with you that there are risks involve. i'm sure MCYS would have the safeguards and checks for such adoption schemes. i might be wrong, but i don't think people would want to spend money to adopt a child, incur all the expenses of raising a child and abuse him. sure, it's a possibility but it's a small percentage. from the news, i usually see sexual and physical abuse by mothers' boyfriends, lovers, etc etc happening in Singapore. I rarely see reports on abuse on adopted child (actually, i never see it before at all).
i hope this gives u a good summary of how our thought process of this thread issue goes.
and i also hope individual attacks would stop as of now and deal with the matter alone. =)
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MyHappyKids
Member
I said mine, my very own advice. Others had theirs.
To each their own. Past experience usually shaped our outlook of lives.
When the issues dealing wit life and death, its never gonna be a simple right or wrong.
To those majority who advise her to give bb up for adoption, pls put yourself in any mum shoe. Carry the pregnancy for 10mths then give bb up for adoption upon delivery. Wat wil u feel?
If its only 1st trimester, wont u feel it better to terminate? Stop the psychological pain nw?
I am just being objective in my advice. Getting agitated over other advices is so meaningless.
I end my case here.
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To each their own. Past experience usually shaped our outlook of lives.
When the issues dealing wit life and death, its never gonna be a simple right or wrong.
To those majority who advise her to give bb up for adoption, pls put yourself in any mum shoe. Carry the pregnancy for 10mths then give bb up for adoption upon delivery. Wat wil u feel?
If its only 1st trimester, wont u feel it better to terminate? Stop the psychological pain nw?
I am just being objective in my advice. Getting agitated over other advices is so meaningless.
I end my case here.
-End-
Firstly, let me say that I'm a Singaporean who used to work as a teacher in a neighbourhood primary school and am working in HK now. I'm not encouraging irresponsible acts. The irresponsible act is not to use contraceptives while engaging in sex. That's number one. So, abortion is being responsible? Killing a life is being responsible? I find that hard to belief. For your information, in HK, to get an abortion, you need to go to a private hospital which would cost above Sin$2000. Therefore abortion is not common. If you read my comments carefully, I'm not saying that Singaporeans are immature but rather your comment that abortion is better than adoption is. Yes, there are 2 sides of a coin. I do not deny it. But do you know that if a 13 year or 14 year walks into KK for a abortion, her parents will not be notified? Have you watched Get Real? Apparently the rates of teenage abortion is very high? And that teens use this as a method of contraceptive? I do encourage young ladies to keep and be responsible for their children if they can. Go and have a look at the thread on 'young mothers fall in'. I adopted not because we cant have kids but rather I want to help a child who is born into such situation. Yes, Singapore govt raised Sporeans to be independent. There's no doubt about it. My parents stopped supporting me when I was 20 and I put myself through university in Australia through a scholarship and by working part time. Being independent is having the kid and not asking for support from parents. I mean monetary support. Sure, everyone who is of age is entitled to have sex if they so wish to but be responsible and use protection. These are my thoughts and I shall stop. My aim is replying to your posts is to change the minds of young ladies of abortion. There are women shelters that readily take in ladies in such situations and help them out. They give them counselling and work out with them if they want to put their child up for adoption or to have the child and keep them. I've work with a couple of these organizations and know that they are lovely people who welcome girls with open arms. If you're offended, I'm glad because it shows that you're thinking about these issues.