Angelmum
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Someone loses a child
8 things you can do to help a friend through their grief
It's heartbreaking when someone loses a child. So heartbreaking that well-meaning friends are often at a loss as to how to help.
When it happens, the sympathy felt for the family is often great. But perhaps because of the acute anguish people know the parents must be going through, they are sometimes at a loss as to what to say or do to comfort them.
There is no need to say too much as no words can assuage the pain, say parents who have gone through this terrible ordeal.
A heartfelt "I'm so sorry", or even a wordless hug, is all that is needed to show you recognise how devastating the loss is. And that is appreciated.
While there is little you can do to lessen the heartbreak, you can help the family through the grieving process with some sensitivity and thoughtfulness.
Take it from parents who have been through the anguish – there are at least eight things you can say and do.
1. Offer practical help in the early days
In the days immediately after the child’s death, don’t just descend on the family to offer your condolences and leave. If they have no one helping out, the family will have to get food and drinks, attend to the many visitors and clean up at the end of the day, on top of dealing with their grief.
Friends can be of tremendous help by organising themselves and taking over the mundane chores from the family.
"It's just trying to think what tasks I can take away from these people so that they have some time and space to grieve," says Sonya Szpojnarowicz, president of Child Bereavement Support (Singapore), a new charity support group.
2. Be gentle
Stephanie Zagrodnik, 34, who lost her three-week-old son Daniel in 2003, recalls with anguish her experience at the hospital after he died, when the staff rushed her to pay her bill because they were changing shifts.
On the other hand, she speaks gratefully of the kind pathologist who listened to her sometimes incoherent questions, waited while she cried and patiently answered all her queries.
Bereaved parents only ask that people be gentle with them and show compassion during their ordeal. You may not be able to take away the pain but do not add to it.
3. Never say "Never mind. You can have another child"
Many young bereaved parents have heard this from people who mistakenly believe that having another child will be a source of comfort. In fact, grieving parents are often deeply hurt by the suggestion that the child they lost is replaceable.
"It's like saying, 'Your kettle broke, never mind, you can buy another kettle.' It trivialises the loss," explains Sonya, 37, herself a bereaved mother who lost her first-born, Max, three years ago when he was barely two.
Never try to minimise the loss. Says Stephanie, "I was very hurt by people who seemed to infer that just because he was so young, my pain was not as great."
Bereaved parents say they would rather people just acknowledge their loss. "'I'm sorry.' That's all you need to say," says Jeanne Tan, 42, mother of Ryan who died last year aged four.
4. Don't fear the tears
If the parents burst into tears, you have not failed in comforting them. "We're crying anyway. It's not something you say that makes us cry," says Sonya.
And don't be afraid of crying yourself – your tears are usually appreciated. "It shows you realise how important the loss is and that you care too," she adds.
5. Take your cue from the parents as to what to say or do
People deal with death differently. Some want to be left alone, some want people around. Some want to talk about it, others don't. Or they may feel differently about it from day to day.
"For me, it's okay if people want to ask what happened and then it's up to me to tell them how much I want to tell them," says Raouf Yeo, 33, whose twin boys, Kareem and Shakeel, were born premature and survived less than six months.
And after the parents have shared their story, curb the urge to probe. "Don't go on and on, asking for details about what happened. Most of us don't particularly want to go into that," says Sonya.
6. Don't judge or draw conclusions from the death
One bereaved mother had an acquaintance wag her finger and say to her: "That's why you have to take care of the immune system." Another had to deal with a policeman muttering his disapproval when he learnt that her son slept in an air-conditioned room.
Others had people questioning their choice of hospital or the mother's diet during pregnancy.
"That can be so hurtful when you are feeling so much pain, to have someone trying to blame you," says Sonya.
"Sometimes, things just happen. It has nothing to do with what we did," adds Aida, 32, mother of Kareem and Shakeel.
7. Continue supporting the family after the funeral
After the initial flurry of activity has died down, some parents find themselves completely alone with their grief. Friends keep away, perhaps because they feel awkward or because they think the family prefers privacy.
"After the funeral and in the early days, when you're left on your own and you've got this enormous loss, you need your friends even more," says Sonya.
"Friends are so important," adds Valerie Lim, 42, who lost her 17-month-old daughter Ning in 1999. "You can rely on family, but they are also grieving. Friends can help to lighten the load a lot."
She had friends who called her every week and took her out for meals, and she found them a great comfort.
Realise, also, that the hurt never completely goes away. Says Ryan's father Nicholas, 43: "Friends tend to think that after a while you get over it, that this episode is history. But we will never forget."
8. Remember the child
Many bereaved parents nowadays would like to cherish the memory of their children rather than suppress thoughts of them.
They are saddened by well-meaning people who advise them not to display pictures of the much-loved child, or urge them to keep busy so that they can forget.
Valerie is touched by friends who send her text or e-mail messages in remembrance of Ning on her birthday or death day. Parents like her appreciate people who are able to share their memories of their children’s short lives without awkwardness or aversion.
"They are our babies. We are never going to forget our babies," says Raouf.
extracted from Family
8 things you can do to help a friend through their grief
It's heartbreaking when someone loses a child. So heartbreaking that well-meaning friends are often at a loss as to how to help.
When it happens, the sympathy felt for the family is often great. But perhaps because of the acute anguish people know the parents must be going through, they are sometimes at a loss as to what to say or do to comfort them.
There is no need to say too much as no words can assuage the pain, say parents who have gone through this terrible ordeal.
A heartfelt "I'm so sorry", or even a wordless hug, is all that is needed to show you recognise how devastating the loss is. And that is appreciated.
While there is little you can do to lessen the heartbreak, you can help the family through the grieving process with some sensitivity and thoughtfulness.
Take it from parents who have been through the anguish – there are at least eight things you can say and do.
1. Offer practical help in the early days
In the days immediately after the child’s death, don’t just descend on the family to offer your condolences and leave. If they have no one helping out, the family will have to get food and drinks, attend to the many visitors and clean up at the end of the day, on top of dealing with their grief.
Friends can be of tremendous help by organising themselves and taking over the mundane chores from the family.
"It's just trying to think what tasks I can take away from these people so that they have some time and space to grieve," says Sonya Szpojnarowicz, president of Child Bereavement Support (Singapore), a new charity support group.
2. Be gentle
Stephanie Zagrodnik, 34, who lost her three-week-old son Daniel in 2003, recalls with anguish her experience at the hospital after he died, when the staff rushed her to pay her bill because they were changing shifts.
On the other hand, she speaks gratefully of the kind pathologist who listened to her sometimes incoherent questions, waited while she cried and patiently answered all her queries.
Bereaved parents only ask that people be gentle with them and show compassion during their ordeal. You may not be able to take away the pain but do not add to it.
3. Never say "Never mind. You can have another child"
Many young bereaved parents have heard this from people who mistakenly believe that having another child will be a source of comfort. In fact, grieving parents are often deeply hurt by the suggestion that the child they lost is replaceable.
"It's like saying, 'Your kettle broke, never mind, you can buy another kettle.' It trivialises the loss," explains Sonya, 37, herself a bereaved mother who lost her first-born, Max, three years ago when he was barely two.
Never try to minimise the loss. Says Stephanie, "I was very hurt by people who seemed to infer that just because he was so young, my pain was not as great."
Bereaved parents say they would rather people just acknowledge their loss. "'I'm sorry.' That's all you need to say," says Jeanne Tan, 42, mother of Ryan who died last year aged four.
4. Don't fear the tears
If the parents burst into tears, you have not failed in comforting them. "We're crying anyway. It's not something you say that makes us cry," says Sonya.
And don't be afraid of crying yourself – your tears are usually appreciated. "It shows you realise how important the loss is and that you care too," she adds.
5. Take your cue from the parents as to what to say or do
People deal with death differently. Some want to be left alone, some want people around. Some want to talk about it, others don't. Or they may feel differently about it from day to day.
"For me, it's okay if people want to ask what happened and then it's up to me to tell them how much I want to tell them," says Raouf Yeo, 33, whose twin boys, Kareem and Shakeel, were born premature and survived less than six months.
And after the parents have shared their story, curb the urge to probe. "Don't go on and on, asking for details about what happened. Most of us don't particularly want to go into that," says Sonya.
6. Don't judge or draw conclusions from the death
One bereaved mother had an acquaintance wag her finger and say to her: "That's why you have to take care of the immune system." Another had to deal with a policeman muttering his disapproval when he learnt that her son slept in an air-conditioned room.
Others had people questioning their choice of hospital or the mother's diet during pregnancy.
"That can be so hurtful when you are feeling so much pain, to have someone trying to blame you," says Sonya.
"Sometimes, things just happen. It has nothing to do with what we did," adds Aida, 32, mother of Kareem and Shakeel.
7. Continue supporting the family after the funeral
After the initial flurry of activity has died down, some parents find themselves completely alone with their grief. Friends keep away, perhaps because they feel awkward or because they think the family prefers privacy.
"After the funeral and in the early days, when you're left on your own and you've got this enormous loss, you need your friends even more," says Sonya.
"Friends are so important," adds Valerie Lim, 42, who lost her 17-month-old daughter Ning in 1999. "You can rely on family, but they are also grieving. Friends can help to lighten the load a lot."
She had friends who called her every week and took her out for meals, and she found them a great comfort.
Realise, also, that the hurt never completely goes away. Says Ryan's father Nicholas, 43: "Friends tend to think that after a while you get over it, that this episode is history. But we will never forget."
8. Remember the child
Many bereaved parents nowadays would like to cherish the memory of their children rather than suppress thoughts of them.
They are saddened by well-meaning people who advise them not to display pictures of the much-loved child, or urge them to keep busy so that they can forget.
Valerie is touched by friends who send her text or e-mail messages in remembrance of Ning on her birthday or death day. Parents like her appreciate people who are able to share their memories of their children’s short lives without awkwardness or aversion.
"They are our babies. We are never going to forget our babies," says Raouf.
extracted from Family
any explanation from doc?
