mums = friendless?

[apollo]

after talking to you mummies about my feelings I feel so much better!
These days no choice if I cant realy go out then I just invite ppl over to my place.. it's not a Shangri- of sorts but at least still can play a hospitable host and catch up with friends if they dont mind.

Recently, my bestie got proposed to and she said her proposal story and her engagement ring with me. I sincerely feel so happy for her (at least she is getting married and can understand what married life is like!), but I admit initially I felt a small tinge of envy and even jealousy because here I am, Mrs Frumpy old wife.

But after sharing with you all my feelings I feel so much better and not alone.
Im the only one among my close friends to have a baby (some are pregy, some dont want kids, most not married!) so it's really kinda tough.

but sometimes u think another way, actually one day they will come to u when they are preg, asking u which brand is better, which gynae u seen, which hospital u think is better etc etc... haha

 

[meiteoh]

I think all those mummies who suggest giving your baby to your mum or maid to care for will know what it's like when their turn comes.

To be honest, I feel that when you have children, it's YOUR responsibility to care and educate your child NOT your parents or in-laws. They've had their turn so give them a break. Babysit your kids once in a while is okay but not 24/7 like what some of my neighbours and relatives do. (Otherwise, don't have kids.)

This has become such a norm among my family members that my parents expect me to do the same - give Eva to them to take care and only see her during the weekends (they live in KL). Nuts or not? =.=

Having said that, if you have a maid or helper OR am planning to get one, for crying out loud, don't let your helper/maid babywear your child! Babywearing promotes bonding between the wearer and your baby. And for pete's sake, don't allow your maid to be the one who comforts your baby. I have seen children reject their mums for the helper!!!! This is shocking! =.=

 

[apollo]

I think all those mummies who suggest giving your baby to your mum or maid to care for will know what it's like when their turn comes.

To be honest, I feel that when you have children, it's YOUR responsibility to care and educate your child NOT your parents or in-laws. They've had their turn so give them a break. Babysit your kids once in a while is okay but not 24/7 like what some of my neighbours and relatives do. (Otherwise, dont't have kids.)

This has become such a norm among my family members that my parents expect me to do the same - give Eva to them to take care and only see her during the weekends (they live in KL). Nuts or not? =.=

Having said that, if you have a maid or helper OR am planning to get one, for crying out loud, dont't let your helper/maid babywear your child! Babywearing promotes bonding between the wearer and your baby. And for pete's sake, dont't allow your maid to be the one who comforts your baby. I have seen children reject their mums for the helper!!!! This is shocking! =.=

i totally agree with what u said!

my ex-neighbour leave their 2 kids with a maid. one was 5yr old another was 1yr+ and the 1yr+ baby rejected her mother cos her mother went out early in the morning and come bk at midnight, sometimes in the morning. it was themaid who taught her baby how to say 'thank u', 'byebye', 'please', 'jiejie', 'auntie' etc etc...

 

[Frenchkitty]

Meiteoh, I agree with you too.. I also believe it is MY and Hubby's responsibility towards our baby and not our parents...
no choice I have to return to work this week because when I told HR I wanna resign, I realised i still have outstanding 1yr contract with them.
if i break that contract I have to pay them huge amount of $$ so I cannot leave.. No choice gotta work finish the remaining 1yr then think of being SAHM for my baby

 

[jasobias]

I too have the mindset tht if u want kids then take care of them on ur own.Know alot of people who always say"ooh when i have baby my mum can take care..etc"..then why even bother.
I have too seen many kids who r so close to their care givers tht it amazes me.Mum dad brings family out but its the maid who feeds the kid,carrys it , calms it while crying..for f***! sake shld have just left the maid n the kid at home then.If the family is out why bring the maid?..parents got no hands to look after their 1-2 kid is it?Its crap when they say.."oooh so my maid gets to go out also mah"...pls..she hardly has time to look ard her surroundings..she cld be in a middle of a field for all she knows as her attention has to be totally on the child.
I have 3 kids n i am not friendless.I have a group of close knit frens who though not married dont mind when i bring kids along.So while kids r at play we can catch up.Of course i do go out alone with them too..movies,pubs etc.My interests remain varied even though now i am a housewife.I think we just need to stay with the times.Cant just be obsessing over baby stuff.I read when i am feeding baby milk or b4 i go to bed even if its just a while.I catch movies either with kids or frens n if really cannot..rent dvd then invite close frens home.
But i cant stress how impt it is to bring up ur own kid.No doubt some may be time stretched but if there is a will there is a way.

 

[Ting]

for me, not really. i still spend time with my gfs.
maybe now my bf is not arnd so i hv time for them, but when he is back, its always just us. so sometimes i will insist i spend time with my gfs, if he wants, he can join me.

 

[thepinkdot]

yesterday a very close gf of mine.. asked how was i and stuff.. the next minute, she plunged into her favourite topic.. "so are you intending to work?".. i jokingly said "obviously you've not been hanging out much with tods".. then she was a little offended (knowing her) and said "not even PT?".. i said "nope".. and laughed (forcefully). and left the convo as it is.

firstly.. financially, we are doing okay. not kick ass rich. i do admit my parents do help out a little but they see it as a gift for my girl. secondly, my daughter's health is really weak. when i was working, she would fall sick for half a month, i switched from FT to flexible hours to PT (i had an amazing employer who was really understanding).. just to look after her. yet inevitably, she still falls sick.

recently, i decided that she really needs me as a stay at home mum which her health has improved a little and enables her to attend school much more frequently. as a mother, i put the needs of my child first even. she has been my first priority and will continue to be for all the growing yrs.

i won't say i'm friendless.. but sometimes, it irks me when a friend especially a good one, thinks that my life should work the same way as theirs. i've always made it clear my family and love ones come first.

i rather be comfortable and happy.. than have a broken family and wealth off. i come from the latter family.. and always felt something has been missing in my life. until i had my own family. i count my blessings frequently for having a happy family.. things between my parents (mum and stepfather) has also improved vastly.. what more can i ask for?

seriously it hurts a lot when she put it in such a way.. especially when she's an extremely close friend. but friends come and go, only the real ones stick around when you need them.

 

[jasobias]

Hey pinkdot,
yes thts always the million dollar question"r u gonna go back to work?"..my answer has always been "no".
I cant just leave my kids with others.My kids my responsibility.We r doing ok..not well off..but wont die kind either.Money is not a big factor in our lives.
Now esp since with all the disasters reported in news makes me wanna hang on to my family more dearly.We dont know when life ends but i sure want to be with family when tht happnes rather than die in the office..if u know wht i mean.
Everyone always regrets not spending enuf time with family when something bad happens.

 

[meiteoh]

I have to put up with the question since I was pregnant and with some people, it wasn't even a question but an order - "you should go back to work, you know, instead of sitting home and doing nothing". Another person even said that I should go back to work because it's the norm in Singapore and because everyone is career-minded. SO WHAT? I'm not "everyone". Besides, do these people honestly think that caring for a baby is that easy?

And guess who was one of the people who said that? My parents! Of course life would be so much easier if I worked but bugging me to ditch Eva with you in KL while I go to work is stupid, especially considering that I plan to BF her exclusively for 6 months. How to breastfeed her if I go back to work now? Ship the BM via plane izzit? =.=

And already, my hubby doesn't like the idea of them taking care of Eva because 1) my hubby wants her to speak French and 2) he thinks that my parents, well, don't make very suitable caregivers for Eva when it comes to things like manners and such (my dad eats salads with his fingers and my parents open up the cupboards & snoop around when they visited my ILs' place).

I can't even begin to talk about the dilemma I'm going to face come next year when Eva is six months old and my "official BF" excuse is going to expire. Come CNY, those aunties on my mum's side are going to go "So you going back to work?" and blah, blah. =.=

 

[apollo]

I have to put up with the question since I was pregnant and with some people, it wasn't even a question but an order - "you should go back to work, you know, instead of sitting home and doing nothing". Another person even said that I should go back to work because it's the norm in Singapore and because everyone is career-minded. SO WHAT? I'm not "everyone". Besides, do these people honestly think that caring for a baby is that easy?

And guess who was one of the people who said that? My parents! Of course life would be so much easier if I worked but bugging me to ditch Eva with you in KL while I go to work is stupid, especially considering that I plan to BF her exclusively for 6 months. How to breastfeed her if I go back to work now? Ship the breast milk via plane izzit? =.=

And already, my hubby doesn't like the idea of them taking care of Eva because 1) my hubby wants her to speak French and 2) he thinks that my parents, well, dont't make very suitable caregivers for Eva when it comes to things like manners and such (my dad eats salads with his fingers and my parents open up the cupboards & snoop around when they visited my ILs' place).

I can't even begin to talk about the dilemma I'm going to face come next year when Eva is six months old and my "official BF" excuse is going to expire. Come CNY, those aunties on my mum's side are going to go "So you going back to work?" and blah, blah. =.=

meiteoh, i totally understand how u feel! cos to my parents and relatives, being a SAHM is a SIN! to them (esp my relatives), i'm nth but just a burden.

they often give hurting comments lik: "u at home so free, u shd.........." "u v busy mehh??? u v tired mehh??? everyday at home, how tired can u be?" "when r u going bk to wk? dont tel me u're going to stay at hm forever"

the most insulting part is, some of those who commented, was/were once a sahm!

they dont give my cousin, who is also a sahm such comments becos her hubby can afford to give their 1year+ baby to go for classes.. they seem more 'rich' and 'highend'. while me, a typical mummy, spend on baby scrimp on myself.

sometimes i wonder, why shd i go out to wk, sacrify seeing ds's growing up process just becos of those 'extra' things? if i go out to wk and causes me to spend lesser time with ds, who is going to 'compensate' me? while the money issue can be solve by being scrimp and save on unwanted things...

 

[Domique]

sigh..... people do not understand us SAHM woes. esp for those whom are the only caregiver at home.

For me, sometimes I am all alone at home with Alaric and go toilet also no time not to mention about calling friends and chit chat.

Talking about close friend, I am really disappointed with my so called childhood friend since primary 1. We had really been close all the while til I have Alaric. She never contact me until I do and now I also dun bother to call her already. She is not a baby person so also do not enjoy playing with Alaric.

When i was still working, I have a lot of acquaintance but only her as my true friend. Now that I am not working, I seems to be living within my own family and virtually - facebook, forums, blogs, msn......

Gosh.... i think we SAHM sacrifice for our baby lots....

3 cheers for all SAHM!

 

[candy_ian]

i settled down at 21 and now at 23 my bb is 6 months plus in comparison to my friends ard me they are enjoying their colourful life outside with soo much time for themselves although i do envy them at times but i think it's difference in piority. they choosed their careers and colourful lifestyle while i choosed family.
i dun go out with my friends now ever since my bb came along but we keep in contact via sms n occasional dinner at my place..

 

[july-winter]

yup i agree... my friends (those who are still single) feels that i'm always buzy and sometimes they will just say "aiya, you're always busy...." some will say "you must have your own time mahh..." but they just dont understand that i dont bear to just 'throw' dear son at hm with my hubby... i can but i will feel bad doing that...

recently my friend even ask me why i dont hire a maid to ease my burden... OMG!!! sometimes i feel that they really behave like KIDS when they said such things... think they still dont know how tough it is to maintain a household expenses etc...

but those friends who are married with kids, they understand and know that i should put my baby & hubby on top priority so sometimes i actually prefer hanging out with mummies than those single friends...

I strongly agree with reginakoh's post..

there are many times i do feel lonely even though i am a full time working mum.. My circle of friends is rather small now as I seldom find time to meet up or hang out with friends nowadays due to my son and husband. Yes gradually lose contact with many friends over the years. Now i only mix with few friends who are mummies who can understand my feeling as a mum to a young boy.

Anyway i do still find time to meet up with my gfs(whom are mummies) for clubbing once in a while. :embarrassed::embarrassed:

 

[xr0109]

Hi all mummies, do you all find that once you have kids, your life revolves around your babies and family.. and slowly, you are drifting apart frm your gal friends?

Like they are still in the game of dating diff men, shopping, enjoying the high life, sharing their hugeass engagement rings etc.. and there you are, too tired looking after your kids to bother about anything else.

Then slowly you see less and less of your gal friends.. and you start thinking how mundane and lonely life is.
Do you all feel this way too? Becos I do. I love my baby and hubby very much of cos, but on the other hand I also feel very bored and drifting apart frm my friends.

i do envy all mommies, can get help from MIL or mom. For myself, basically really no1 to help out. 1stly both side parents are busy looking after brother or sister's children. how to look after mine. thats y sometimes, i really couldnt fall sick. especially when my hubby is not in town.
so of coz to me i have no more friends... coz i really put 24/7 ..365days to my kids. this happen when i am away in states.. when i am back all my friends are gone...
thats y hoping to find friends or a place for me to pour out things...tats y i am here...hahha

 

[taffilya]

i will be a stay at home mum comes end of the year. I have been thinking a alot about all the tasks that have to be met and on how to go about doing the daily routines without losing touch or losing my sanity :-/
I am planning to be a stay at home mum till my 6mths old daughter turns 4..? hahah and I have heard of pple telling me that SAHMs will either be one for a very short time or they will be one till forever...

Anyone knows of any stay at home mum gatherings, meet-ups etc?

 

[apollo]

i do envy all mommies, can get help from mother in law or mom. For myself, basically really no1 to help out. 1stly both side parents are busy looking after brother or sister's children. how to look after mine. thats why sometimes, i really couldnt fall sick. especially when my hubby is not in town.
so of coz to me i have no more friends... coz i really put 24/7 ..365days to my kids. this happen when i am away in states.. when i am back all my friends are gone...
thats why hoping to find friends or a place for me to pour out things...tats why i am here...hahha

same as u, i always envy mummies who have mil or mum to help to take care of their babies full time BUT aft seeing many thread saying that hw their mil deal with thier babies, i started to feel that my choice for being a sahm is right! :001_302:

 

[shulyn]

Hi all mummies, do you all find that once you have kids, your life revolves around your babies and family.. and slowly, you are drifting apart frm your gal friends?

Like they are still in the game of dating diff men, shopping, enjoying the high life, sharing their hugeass engagement rings etc.. and there you are, too tired looking after your kids to bother about anything else.

Then slowly you see less and less of your gal friends.. and you start thinking how mundane and lonely life is.
Do you all feel this way too? Becos I do. I love my baby and hubby very much of cos, but on the other hand I also feel very bored and drifting apart frm my friends.

Hi Frenchkitty,

For me, im always with my hubby, my dearest son and my families! Ever since im pregnant, i seeing less of my single friends...What we did is contact via msn, facebook and email etc Ever since i have a baby, my life is all about motherhood, when i got free times i will call up those mummy friends for chat, talk abt baby stuffs etc....As im a working mum, weekends i always reserve for my hubby and dear son...I would say for this 1 year, i didnt meet up my friends for dinner liao... Luckily my friends are all quite understanding, they understand i need time for my family so once a while they will come by my place for a chat while hubby take over my duty looking after dear son...

You a SHM right? Its easier to make more friends, eg, friends from mummy forum??? Cos all of us share the same common topics which is 'KIDS'!

 

[v_ni]

another stay at home mom to be reporting in!

i really hope i'm up to the challenge to face my bb 24h a day, i know it's not going to be easy! i haven't worked for a while, so i'm quite used to my own lifestyle and schedule and all that's going to change when the bb comes!!

and to all the friends who keep asking when i'm going back to work, i think they gave up when i just smile and go "heheh...dunno....."

 

[jtay72]

most of my friends work, and it is hard to get together at times. i am also a SAHM and in my thirties. my son is now 19 mths and everyday is so tiring coz he is in his active stage. good to know that i am not the only one who feels tired or having less time with girlfriends or friends with different priorites...and i take care of my son on my own since my family are in another country so it is a 24/7 job for me. no maid for me coz i don't like the idea of a stranger in my home. how do you ladies find the energy for your days? i try not to drink coffee, just swim and exercise, hopefully to feel energized but nah, doesn't work for me.

 

[mummii_elaiine]

most of my friends work, and it is hard to get together at times. i am also a stay at home mum and in my thirties. my son is now 19 mths and everyday is so tiring coz he is in his active stage. good to know that i am not the only one who feels tired or having less time with girlfriends or friends with different priorites...and i take care of my son on my own since my family are in another country so it is a 24/7 job for me. no maid for me coz i dont't like the idea of a stranger in my home. how do you ladies find the energy for your days? i try not to drink coffee, just swim and exercise, hopefully to feel energized but nah, doesn't work for me.

same same . most of my friends work and hard to get together .