Need Advice for Emotionally Battered Stay Home Mum

[mich_liu82]

Hi All,

I am writing this on behalf of my god-sister.

She is 31 this year. Married with 2 lovely boys. She has no next of kin in Singapore as the rest of them are in London. I am the closes to her now.

She got married in Jan 2012. Her husband is self employed but business is not doing well. As for her, she gave up working for the sake of her 2 boys. She currently have a maid as it's not easy for her to handle both boys especially when their age are like 2 years apart and further more the elder boy is hyper active.

Ok so here is what happen.
2 months ago, her husband confessed that he has detached emotionally from the marriage and is on a verge of falling into an affair. My god sis is of course really upset but she thought about it and decided to salvage the marriage. She spoke with the husband and guess what his stupid reply is.
He says that he will not want to salvage the marriage as there is no more love but he will want them to stay married because of the kids as he does not want the kids to grow up without both parents.
This B*stard refuse to let her inform his parents nor her family in London up till today. And my god sis listens to him as she still wants to salvage the marriage.

I have tried speaking to him but it did not work and it made me blew up in a rage. I am so freaking angry with this stupid idiot and I really do wanna bash him up if the law allows me to. He is one stupid Ah Beng and definitely the worse I have met.

So recently, they did mention about divorce, he told my god sis, "If you really want to have a divorce, you are not going to get the kids for sure, 1stly, you have no income and no next of kin. 2ndly, I have income and I definitely can give the best to the kids."
Anyway they just got the keys to their new place about 4 to 5 months back.
He further told my god sis, "In regards to the terms for divorce, I will not give you the kids, but I will give you the property."

I really need advices and help of any for my god sis.
She has been looking after the 2 kids on her own with the help of the maid now, she have been going for interviews for jobs as well but to no avail.

In any case if the marriage is impossible to reconcile and she decides to file for a divorce, is it really true that the 2 boys will go to their stupid father just because my god sis is jobless currently and have no next of kin in Singapore?

FYI, the irresponsible idiot is hurting her with stupid words every single day and by not going home early until wee hours in the morning and he is also brain washing her to give up on the kids as he keep insisting there is no way she can provide for the kids.

Please help!!!

 

[Triple]

Firstly, marriage takes 2 hands to clap. If one party wants out, it's between the 2 of them. There are many reasons why marriages fail. Outsiders can't force anyone to carry on loving others. so let's not assume that marriages die die must last till the end. In my opinion, whoever files for the divorce.. is the true cause of the marriage failure, not about who did what previously.

In my opinion, kids shd always stick to the mom, as women are the natural caregivers. But I also understand not all women make good caregivers.

She is below 35, so if it's HDB, she can only keep the flat only if care and control of the kids is with her.

If its BTO, can only surrender the flat if is under MOP.

Under a contested Div, judge will almost always grant JOINT CUSTODY in line with govt policy.
It is common to see ppl throw in the towel and go for uncontested when it gets draggy.

She needs to know what she wants in life. If she can't tink rationally for herself, she is better off staying in a unhappy marriage.
A Div is a very difficult episode. She needs to be strong and rationale before embarking on this journey.

 

[quincy1986]

mich_liu82 just out of curiousity, are you yourself married with children?
no offense to this question. just purely my curiousity.

regarding your god sis' situation, it is possible for 2 person to live together for the sake of the children only.
being a parent and a wife myself, i feel, i could not be sure where my own marriage will go.
but for sure i know i can provide unconditional love for my children and live happily about it.

as for men, the same thing goes.
even they themselves could not guarantee they could be faithful for life.
but they know they can be committed fathers.

the important thing here is your sister's choice and how she can manage it.
there is little that we as bystanders can help, except be supportive of whatever decision she makes.

 

[mich_liu82]

Hi Triple,

I totally understand what you are saying.
I just found out from my god sis that now he wants the property and also the kids. He is asking her to transfer her shares to his name and insist that the kids will have to go to him as he also need their care and control so that the EC will not get forfeited.

He also told my god sis that he will allow her to stay in the EC so that she can look after the kids even if when they are divorced.
He just want the best of both worlds, the EC and the kids. But my god sis? He is not gonna leave anything for her.

I think she's really strong, shes the source of looking after the kids well being. Almost 24/7 everyday. I seriously salute her.

 

[mich_liu82]

Hi Quincy1986,

No worries. Yes I am married with 3 beautiful girls.
I think it is senseless to stay married because of the kids. Especially when only 1 party is doing everything. What kind of example is the father showing to the kids?
That its ok to act as if they are happily married in front of the kids and relatives? But yet have another woman outside?
And also to go home at wee hours in the morning almost every single day?

Some men seriously dunno how to be fathers. Letting the son drink beer from his beer can at the age of 2 is fine? Not looking at the kid's welfare and the wife point of view, I dunno how should I describe this?

For sure, I am supportive of whatever decision she makes. But I cannot just stand by and see her being bullied all these while.

 

[sleepypiggy]

this guy is a total asshole! how could he do that to your godsis! *angry*

actually, my suggestion is other than get your godsis to get evidence that this man is having an affair, get your godsis to try to find a job even if the job doesnt pay very well.

it is not up to this stupid man to say he wants the custody of the kids. Ultimately, if your god sis have a job, she can also file maintenance orders against him for herself and her kids, it is in woman's charter that in case of divorce the husband is suppose to maintain the wife's lifestyle as well as pay for the kids. she has a high chance to get the care and control of the kids.

this asshole doesnt know the law and yet he try to threaten ur god sis and u?! tell him to go read up women's charter before sprouting nonsense!

 

[JaryS]

the law is on your side!

 

[mich_liu82]

this guy is a total asshole! how could he do that to your godsis! *angry*

actually, my suggestion is other than get your godsis to get evidence that this man is having an affair, get your godsis to try to find a job even if the job doesnt pay very well.

it is not up to this stupid man to say he wants the custody of the kids. Ultimately, if your god sis have a job, she can also file maintenance orders against him for herself and her kids, it is in woman's charter that in case of divorce the husband is suppose to maintain the wife's lifestyle as well as pay for the kids. she has a high chance to get the care and control of the kids.

this asshole doesnt know the law and yet he try to threaten ur god sis and u?! tell him to go read up women's charter before sprouting nonsense!

Hi sleepypiggy,

He is and he insist on a divorce now. I told her to get a job already, just that there's no one helping her to look after her kids.
Now worried that he play tricks on his income and also for the fact that she have no next of kin in SG, she is Singaporean by the way.

He now keep trying to brainwash her that she can't provide for the kids.

 

[mich_liu82]

the law is on your side!

Thanks Jarys

 

[Triple]

Let's not try to badmouth anyone here.
Imagine if your lady friend decides to throw in the towel and both of them decide to patch back.
Do u tink u can remain a family friend if nasty things were said in the past?

We all might think the guy is bad, My own experience is that some guys are simply late bloomers in husbandhood.
Then it's like scolding a Pri 4 kid why he can't understand Sec 4 Additional Maths.

 

[quincy1986]

when i encounter this type of problem, what i desperately need is a place to stay and someone i can trust to help me tk care of my kids.

the husband becomes totally out of my problems now.

although i told my friends i do not need help and they are all married with families, i still pray for a miracle that a kind soul with come help me.

 

[mich_liu82]

Let's not try to badmouth anyone here.
Imagine if your lady friend decides to throw in the towel and both of them decide to patch back.
Do u tink u can remain a family friend if nasty things were said in the past?

We all might think the guy is bad, My own experience is that some guys are simply late bloomers in husbandhood.
Then it's like scolding a Pri 4 kid why he can't understand Sec 4 Additional Maths.

Hi Triple,

Yup. I agree.
There's some updates to the situation now. He refuse to reconcile and insists on a divorce and have informed that he will be serving the lawyer letter to my god sis next week.
And that he wants the kids and the property. And also told her that she have hands and legs and can start afresh again without any burden.

Somehow yes it might be true to a certain degree but tell me a mother carried her kid for 9 months and have been taking care of the kids on her own and should just agree to his ridiculous terms?

 

[mich_liu82]

when i encounter this type of problem, what i desperately need is a place to stay and someone i can trust to help me tk care of my kids.

the husband becomes totally out of my problems now.

although i told my friends i do not need help and they are all married with families, i still pray for a miracle that a kind soul with come help me.

Hi Quincy1986,

Hmmm... The thing is now she also cannot just move out of his place, she needs to account for these if she just takes the kids away.
Further more, the guy is gonna serve her the lawyer letter soon.

 

[quincy1986]

Hi Quincy1986,

Hmmm... The thing is now she also cannot just move out of his place, she needs to account for these if she just takes the kids away.
Further more, the guy is gonna serve her the lawyer letter soon.

even though now cannot move out, it will still become a worry.
because the man is already firm.
finding a place to stay will become a problem.
so naturally it will be my first worry out of all problems.

 

[quincy1986]

cursing and swearing or discussing how heartless the man is...does it solve the problem at hand?
does it help your god sis in anyway?
no matter what the guy wants to do, doesnt matter anymore, does it make sense to you?
u see what i am trying to tell u?