pissing off with the in laws

[sgmel]

Here's my story. I am married to my husband for about 6months. Relationship with His parent before marriage was so far so good. Now that we're married and We are staying with them. They have this "house rules" of their own. They expect me to call them whenever I see them. I understand that this is basic manner, but I Just don't have the habit of calling. These 6months had been difficult for me. I work from home and both of them are working..however,they will be home by 4pm each day. I will make sure I go to the toilet before they come back as I don't wish to call them If I walk pass them. They are not friendly people. Unlike my husband who goes back to my own house with me over the weekend. He dosent have to be those obident kind to call my parents,my parent will automatically talk to him and my parent did not even complain about him not calling them. So these few weeks, I had my work done at my own place, I'm doing come online business by the way. I have too much things to do and ended up not back to that shit hole about a week and my husband was with me too. Ended up we went home one Sunday and the argument began. My Mil complaint that I wanted to steal her son from her. She's childish or what, her son is already married. In this case,what happened If our BTO are here? Install a cctv on his son body to track his movement? We aline this agurment by some peacful talk and things somehow go back on track. However, I was wrong. Same thing happened one week later. Usually I will go back my own house from Friday to Sunday. Last monday, she bought up this issue to argue again. This time round,I just told her I feel more comfortable staying at my own house instead of their house as I don't have the habit of calling people which what they had insisted. They allowed me to go back but my husband cannot follow me along. If not will throw face as guys can't stay over at girls' side. My hubby is also another one who think face is more important than anything else,refused to go back with me..I decided to give in once again. I tried to stay at this house until yesterday which I did my usual routine to go back on Friday and come back on Sunday. Yesterday when We reached home at about 12am, upon reaching home and switching on the light, we saw my mil sitting at the sofa. Obviously she is trying to disturb me,wanting me to call her, which I didn't. She get so crazy and argument starts again. The FIL join in aftermath. I didn't bother much about what they said this time round as I was so sick of listening to them saying the same thing over again. I am 36weeks pregnant now. I really feel like going back to my parents house otherwise things will still be the same if I continue staying here. But my hubby how? Hope to seek advise from all mummies out there. Thanks

 

[KiBin]

Here's my story. I am married to my husband for about 6months. Relationship with His parent before marriage was so far so good. Now that we're married and We are staying with them. They have this "house rules" of their own. They expect me to call them whenever I see them. I understand that this is basic manner, but I Just don't have the habit of calling. These 6months had been difficult for me. I work from home and both of them are working..however,they will be home by 4pm each day. I will make sure I go to the toilet before they come back as I don't wish to call them If I walk pass them. They are not friendly people. Unlike my husband who goes back to my own house with me over the weekend. He dosent have to be those obident kind to call my parents,my parent will automatically talk to him and my parent did not even complain about him not calling them. So these few weeks, I had my work done at my own place, I'm doing come online business by the way. I have too much things to do and ended up not back to that shit hole about a week and my husband was with me too. Ended up we went home one Sunday and the argument began. My Mil complaint that I wanted to steal her son from her. She's childish or what, her son is already married. In this case,what happened If our BTO are here? Install a cctv on his son body to track his movement? We aline this agurment by some peacful talk and things somehow go back on track. However, I was wrong. Same thing happened one week later. Usually I will go back my own house from Friday to Sunday. Last monday, she bought up this issue to argue again. This time round,I just told her I feel more comfortable staying at my own house instead of their house as I don't have the habit of calling people which what they had insisted. They allowed me to go back but my husband cannot follow me along. If not will throw face as guys can't stay over at girls' side. My hubby is also another one who think face is more important than anything else,refused to go back with me..I decided to give in once again. I tried to stay at this house until yesterday which I did my usual routine to go back on Friday and come back on Sunday. Yesterday when We reached home at about 12am, upon reaching home and switching on the light, we saw my mil sitting at the sofa. Obviously she is trying to disturb me,wanting me to call her, which I didn't. She get so crazy and argument starts again. The FIL join in aftermath. I didn't bother much about what they said this time round as I was so sick of listening to them saying the same thing over again. I am 36weeks pregnant now. I really feel like going back to my parents house otherwise things will still be the same if I continue staying here. But my hubby how? Hope to seek advise from all mummies out there. Thanks

you need to have a good discussion with your hubby... from the problems you mentioned, it's dangerous when your bb comes out as it's easy to fall into depression if you have more arguements..

 

[Alisa]

i would feel that, go back to yr hse if you are more comfortable. if yr husband still feels that his face is more important then let him be. will you be getting yr own flat?

 

[Missy10]

Sorry to state the fact, respecting elderly isnt very hard......

I understand the frustration of them being unreasonable at times.....

Im a only child.... im also like you at your own home...
My hubby can sit there and let my parent serve him dinner without complain..... my hubby side must address one by one to have dinner, but i dun have this habit too.... and hubby understand and always just act blur....

but now you are a Daughter-in-law to his family, and you are staying with them.... why dont you just address them and make them happy.....

As wife, we really shouldnt be making hubby in difficult position.... and of cos.... now you are pregnant..... have a good chat with your hubby behind closed door, what your hubby wants and intend to do.... as PIL make scene like that doesn't benefit your pregnancy

Sorry if im harsh........

 

[Joellejell]

If u greet your in laws, which in this case will solve most of the argument part.. Why not do it?

Now already like this, when bb arrives will have more problem.

Have to think long term, moreover your flat is not here yet.
I don't think u & your hubby can leave separately each in your own house right?

Have a good discussion with him & see what works.

 

[Mandy Wong]

I totally understand how u feel becus I am also the kind who not used to the greeting part. Like I don't even have to greet my parents at home. Very free n easy one but my hubby parents prefer greeting so I just greet lor. Old people usually care this kind of greeting part a lot. So what to do? Just greet lor to make them happy. But since now u all already start having conflicts so I understand its even harder for u to greet them.... I think u need to have a discussion with ur hubby n make him stand by ur side.

 

[diza]

I would go back to my parents' house but again you need to talk to your hubby. Depression is no joke and most mummies experience baby blues coz u need time to adjust to the whole new routine. I'm an only child and my parents stay with me. I have wonderful parents and a wonderful husband. Even then, I experienced baby blues which can lead to depression. Having a lot of unnecessary stress after birth is definitely not good. I can foresee more problems frm ur in-laws if u stay with them. To me, it's unreasonable that ur in-laws don't allow ur husband to go back to ur parents place. Can u imagine when ur baby is born?? I have a feeling she won't allow ur child to go back either. If u still stay with then after delivery, I suggest u opt for total breast feed so that u can bond with ur child and feeding time means baby will always be u. Never resort to formula even if they say u don't have enough milk coz baby keeps crying. If baby keeps crying just latch. This will help to boost ur supply and also keep ur baby close to u.

 

[Jouline]

Hi sgmel, I will also agree with most of the ladies here. If just simple greetings like calling ma and pa will make them feel happy, do it. 为人媳妇，礼德必要。It means as daughter-in-law, respect is a must have. Whether your in-laws is the type of traditional or not, greet them. I believe greetings like pa and ma don't cost you a cent. And you may also have peace at least for the time being right?

Ladies here are right. If you have problems now, more problems will roll and pile in less than a week after you have given birth. We hope you trust us. No offence though.

 

[CherryFrozz]

Yah, my in laws also liddat... also strange coz their own son (ie my hubs) don't have habit to calling them. Plus whenever I call them, very often they ignore, do their own stuff or talk to their son. Yet once I stop, complains abound (to my husband).

So end up continue calling lor... since they feel is so impt...even if I feel I like I'm calling the wall sometimes! Consider duty of daughter-in-law.

 

[Missy10]

Yah, my in laws also liddat... also strange coz their own son (ie my hubs) don't have habit to calling them. Plus whenever I call them, very often they ignore, do their own stuff or talk to their son. Yet once I stop, complains abound (to my husband).

So end up continue calling lor... since they feel is so impt...even if I feel I like I'm calling the wall sometimes! Consider duty of daughter-in-law.

CherryFrozz - agreed... even they ignore also greet.... i always believe filial is very important, this will reflect to our next generation.... nobody will pissed when kids greet you.... same goes to them..... not just becos they are old... then no need to greet..... 人在做天在看

 

[busygal]

What's your husband doing? What does he say? If he wants to keep both fish and prawn, he should do a proper job to convince both. When a person is brought up not to greet people, it takes time. I would say, having baby is the "biggest". Just go back to yoour mum's place and rest....you need that. Let your husband have some time to think about how to solve the issue

 

[Acy]

If they want u to greet dem even thou at times they might ignore, if I were u, I will just greet as a respect. Greeting them won't cause me to lose a hair or anything, old people is like that. The more you treat them good, they will realize one day and treat u well back. Elders is like children always remember, we all will become old one day and become other people mother in law too. If one day, our daughter in law doesn't even greet us, what is your feels? For me, whatever I just put myself in other people shoes and feel how they feel. Unless if they are really very very unreasonable and wicked, then is time to pay them back in their own coin. Beside, now you are expecting, is not good for the baby to get involved in your emotions. Take good care & be a happy mummy to be smile and greet doesn't cost and it makes your hubby not caught in between too

 

[lynnliew]

Maybe ur mil feel u r disrespecting her thats why she dunlike u? Sorry to be direct but as a mother myself, I agree with the rest... jus greet her politely. You do your part. what can she say? Actually its only polite/right of u to greet her since u r her daughter-in-law. People wif good manners even greet their neighbours 'gd morn'...wads more mil! Whether u like to greet her or not is another matter - you dunlike to greet doesnt mean you dont have to greet. How would you feel if your child next time treat u as invisible & tell u or his/her elderly.. "i dunfeel like greeting u dats y i dun greet u!" Basic manners is impt... =X

 

[Dragontail]

sgmel, there will be no sugary words here. I read the first 10 lines and I dont want to read further.

I overhead radio today about handling a marriage and/or child. "Put away all your differences, your unbringing. And think of what's best for the marriage/child".

If you do not start off with doing the "right" things yourself, things dont turn right by themselves. If your folks-inlaw prefer you to greet them, then do it. It just takes a second of your time a day. Ok make it two, since you have to address both. Yes, it's not your in upbringing perhaps. Yes, your parents are "nice" to not mind your hubby not greeting them. I cant stress enough no two parents are the same. What you have been practicing at the comfort of your own home, I am afraid you cant do that wholesale in another home, especially your hubby's.

2 seconds a day is all it takes to show respect to the elders. You will be a parent one day. Put yourself in their shoes.

I have been living with my inlaws for 28 months now. Everyday without fail, I address them. Sometimes, for some reasons, they couldnt hear me and I will greet again even louder until they acknowledge me. And they like it. Simply.

They are your senior. The more you need to put away your indifferences. And no, they will never be "friendly" like your parents. Because that's the way they are. Greeting is a form of respect, regardless they are "friendly" or not. It's not too late to start. Fix it and the rest will be solved in time.

 

[June2012]

Hi sgmel, I totally understand what you are going through. You should go to the place that you feel most comfortable, especially now you are pregnant. I experience the same too and my case is worse, this is my story:

My hubby is the only child, and we used to stay in mil house. In mil house, I try my best to respect her and just treat myself as a tenant. This year, we finally got our own house and mil move in with us, rent out her own house to have some income. I thought all is good, until she started to interfere with my baby things.

Mil insist to cook baby porridge everyday (my baby girl is 8 months old), so I let her. One day, she cooked fish porridge with fried onion. Note: FRIED ONION. The porridge ended with a layer of oil on top. I ask her 'why put friend onion?', mil said is to remove fish smell. Then I said oil is no good for baby, fresh onion, can? how about ginger, can?
From here, she start shouting. 'I raise my son also like that, he also grow big and healthy now...last time I also cook like that, no problem...bla bla bla.....'
Mil continue shouted 'you don't respect me, you treat me no good, you bad heart, I know son grow up belongs to wife' bla bla bla.....
It has reached my limit and I fight back. I said how I treat you no good, your went China for holiday last year, I arrange. She said we force her to go. I said I gave you angpow with my bonus, she said she doesn't want one....I said when move to new house, you want steam washing machine, I bought, she said only to wash my clothes. I said you wanted new high bed and big wardrobe, I buy and do everything for you; she said, all we did it on our own, nothing to do with her.

Another classic example, my mil complain I don't allow her to take care of my baby. So one day when she wants to feed my baby, I let her do it while playing my handphone by the side. I thought that will make her happy. But later she complain, I only play know how to play handphone.

Whatever I do is wrong to mil eyes. Seriously, what does mil wants from me? why can't mil just keep their mouth shut and be happy with their life, why does she has to find trouble with daughter-in-law? I am already very tired from work, can't I have a peace of mind when I go home!

sgmel, I totally understand your frustration; but this is just life. Sometimes just have to live with it and think of the positiveness. For me, I try to focus on my baby and care nothing else. So far I am surviving la...sighhh....

sgmel, be strong. For your baby and yourself *jia you*

 

[quincy1986]

sgmel: i didnt like it either. to be frank, i forced myself to say or do things. i am super not used to it because i was brought up differently.

my hubby respected that i did that. so he also pointed out to his parents that we are all not perfect. afterwhich his parents did not expect much from me.

sometimes for your hubby to be anxious for u, u will need to 'sacrifice' yourself at such things.

it is silly to us but some sacrifice are worth it. to men, their parents are very important. could be more important than wife. can be considered 'sad' news to us but we need to accept the fact.

u will realise for somethings that come out from your mouth the effect is different from coming out from your hubby's mouth. try it.

 

[Qookie]

I know what you mean about greeting your in laws. I feel weird to greet them because in my family we're all very casual about this. I find myself having goosebumps when i try to greet them. I don't think i can bring myself to call them 'Mum and Dad'. Not even being married for 5 years. I don't even greet my parents in that strangely formal way. I guess the younger generation will always have that problem with the older generation.

From all my friends, i only know 1 daughter-in-law and mother-in-law pair who are chummy enough to go shopping and holidaying together AND stay happy with each other.

My mother-in-law made a big deal about my husband staying with me when we got married. She kept quiet and everyone thought she was fine with it. Till 1 day she burst out saying all that 'i don't want to loose face' talk. Her husband was okay with it. And at her house, she still had 2 other children (clearly space was an issue).

Oh well...

 

[venussnow]

If greeting is the issue they are picking on u all the time, just address them. I do it all the time too whenever I go over to my pil's place. I will even specially walked into the kitchen to greet them first thing i stepped into the hse. Seriously, greeting is no big issue. Why let them think that our parents din educate us abt manners?

I totally get it that mils like to interfere / comment on the way we bring up our kids. My mil does the same everyday too. But I just smile and act dumb coz I know no pt to reason with someone who wun get ur reason. It is not easy but it is better than quarreling with them. My mil not only comments on my dayghter's health but also said she's weak coz of me. I just couldn't be bothered anymore coz I know she wun be able to help me to take care of my gal so who cares what she say. One ear in one ear out is the best way to handle relationship with mil.

 

[raoow]

My friend had the same issue and she started doing something.

Everything she sees them, she will greet them. When they walk out of bedroom go kitchen, greet them. When out of kitchen, greet them. As long as she sees them, she greets them. Until the in laws cannot tahan. LOL.

Try that!

But honestly, if greeting is the only issue, I really would suggest just greeting them. Even with house mates when we studied overseas, we will "inform" them when we are back or going out. It's actually courtesy. And someone said something which I agree: " why let them think our parents didn't teach us manners? "

 

[ewen]

Sgmel, why dont you discuss with your hubby on moving out? I am facing the same shit here and worst part is I cant even go home to stay. Hubby is not siding me. Whatever my in laws say will directly affect him like eg they say I dont listen to him. Which pulls down his ego and now he will control me whatever I do. Even how much to eat. Now I am worried that the house will come to no end of fights after baby is born. Different opinions of bringing up the kid is stressing me.