Scared and depressed and on the verge of divorce

Lot85

New Member
am trying but not coping too well. Mil? am trying to exclude her in our " fights" but alas she had been staring at me n givg me cold shoulders too. did i say she stays w us? ... Now my clamp up mechanism worked again n refused to go the motion of greeting her n of couse effectively i had started anthr cold war in the same roof.

I hope u sort the root cause out as early as u can when u n hubby can talk no
discuss thgs amicably. I was usg ur approach for many yrs n u will find it harder n
harder cos not ur natural self n starts bottling up. I happy when thgs r " normal" n refused to ack the underlying issue n now ..... More than 2 mths not talkg n will
continue cos he will not n never be the one that starts the talk when in arguments n
it was not an argument in the 1st place...
 

Carabella

New Member
am trying but not coping too well. Mil? am trying to exclude her in our " fights" but alas she had been staring at me n givg me cold shoulders too. did i say she stays w us? ... Now my clamp up mechanism worked again n refused to go the motion of greeting her n of couse effectively i had started anthr cold war in the same roof.

I hope u sort the root cause out as early as u can when u n hubby can talk no
discuss thgs amicably. I was usg ur approach for many yrs n u will find it harder n
harder cos not ur natural self n starts bottling up. I happy when thgs r " normal" n refused to ack the underlying issue n now ..... More than 2 mths not talkg n will
continue cos he will not n never be the one that starts the talk when in arguments n
it was not an argument in the 1st place...
Yeah I totally know what u mean! It wasn't an argument in the first place!
That sounds so familiar. I choose my words carefully now when I talk to him. Coz he also made me realize some things... If I can b polite and nice to my friends, why can't I speak nicely to him....Sometimes I was asked to slap myself too in order for him to forgive me for being 'rude'! Other times he will threaten to divorce and I was really on ye verge of saying yes to him!

Now that we have a baby, it makes thins more difficult.... I don't regret my decision... I know I have to stick w it do I m trying my means to make everyone happy.

Mil is another issue. It's such a pain to have her under ur roof. And yes I know v well how the clamp up mechanism works! Coz I am practicing that too! :( I refuse to meet her unless my hubby says we have to meet. I used to treat her v nice but I really regretted doing it coz she nb appreciates. So now I don't bother to do anything for her.

How many years have u been trying to make everyone happy? For me... It's 7 years of dating and 10 months of marriage. I rem when I was pregnant, he made me kneel down to say sorry to him too. And he pushed me when I told him it was his issue of ange management. But I dunno why I just sucked it up and forgive him...
 

PinkDiamonds

Well-Known Member
I believe your husband just likes to feel that he is in control and has the power in the marriage, so instead of going head on against him, how about trying the soft approach?

I am not saying that you have to be submissive.

Carabella has a couple of good ideas. If "hard" one don't work, then go "soft." Talk to him nicely. I know it is hard, but perhaps when he is angry, ask him if he is done scolding you? If he is done, then just smile at him and tell him "I love you." or just smile and walk away. He will be wondering how come he scolded you but you still look so happy? This is like a technique to bring him out of what he expects. Instead of showing that you are upset when he scold you, change and smile at him.
 

Carabella

New Member
I believe your husband just likes to feel that he is in control and has the power in the marriage, so instead of going head on against him, how about trying the soft approach?

I am not saying that you have to be submissive.

Carabella has a couple of good ideas. If "hard" one don't work, then go "soft." Talk to him nicely. I know it is hard, but perhaps when he is angry, ask him if he is done scolding you? If he is done, then just smile at him and tell him "I love you." or just smile and walk away. He will be wondering how come he scolded you but you still look so happy? This is like a technique to bring him out of what he expects. Instead of showing that you are upset when he scold you, change and smile at him.
Yeah yeah Chrystal, I also tried ur technique and somehow it seems to b working!
I read online too that the tone speakibg to hubby is v impt. I know sometimes it can b hard to do it coz u r already not happy w him but then if u think big picture ( also to convince my hubby that I can nb stay w his parents) I have to do that! For the sake of my dearest daughter too! I mean ppl may think or view that we are lying to ourselves but think again, if we are prepared to marry this guy, it means that he has some qualities that we are attracted to. If not why bother falling in love w him in the first place... Root cause can't be solved for me coz it's really my hubby's ego that needs to be toned down. If I keep pointing fingers at him that all was his fault , we will End up quarreling more.... So to put a stop, I try other ways.
Sometimes I cook special dishes for him hoping he will like it but. To my disappointment he will criticize the dish n makes me sad. So initially I quarreled w him n told him that he doesn't appreciate. We ended up quarreling again. He says that I am v narrow minded and not open to suggestions. So I got tired of quarreling and now I change tactic. Whenever he says not nice, I ask him to gve constructive feedback. How should I cook and all, then I improve the next time -and guess what... He praised me the next time.... So things have slightly improved after I consciously remind myself to speak to him nicely.

I know u have been trying many years already. Probably u are also tired of trying to make him happy coz u are immune to it, to the treatment and his abrupt behavior. I too, was like that. He even pissed me off when it's so late at night and he wanted to get intimate. I am still breast feeding my baby so it's really tiring. When I reject him he threw tantrums and scold me for not being a wife. Only a mother to the child. I was so hurt but telling him there and then makes it worse. He say I am acting pitiful when I explain thins to him and he will start to hurl vulgarities at me.
So I am sick an tired of these (plus I don't want to scare my dd) I fave in. Everytime he wants to get intimate, I agree. Then these few weeks I relative he doesn't want it so often anymore....
And some day he even sleeps earlier than me! Giving myself some me time!!!

Lot85, I know is hard an I totally understand how u feel. Tired and lost hope. But if u can persist on, instea of showing sulky face, be more proactive. He might just be surprised w ur reaction and positive attitude towards him. Things may not change overnight , surely takes time. So u should try and see how things go if u are willing to try again! :)
I am still learning and practising too! Jiayou!
 

noelsmum

Member
How many years have u been trying to make everyone happy? For me... It's 7 years of dating and 10 months of marriage. I rem when I was pregnant, he made me kneel down to say sorry to him too. And he pushed me when I told him it was his issue of ange management. But I dunno why I just sucked it up and forgive him...
So you think it's ok for your husband to make you kneel to apologize to him when you were pregnant? Aren't you giving him the sign that yes, go ahead and ill treat me even when I'm pregnant? Sorry, I don't agree with this. Makes me sick actually
 

noelsmum

Member
Sometimes I was asked to slap myself too in order for him to forgive me for being 'rude'! Other times he will threaten to divorce and I was really on ye verge of saying yes to him!
Isn't this abuse? And you allow him to do this to you? If you allow yourself to be a doormat, then he will work all over you. I seriously hope that no other ladies follow what you say and allow their husband to ask them to slap themselves. Did your parents do that to you when you were a kid? I don't think so. Your husband is f@#king smart. He asked you to slap yourself so that even if you report him to the authorities, there's nothing that they can do to him because you hit yourself. So he is using you to hit you. Seriously how can you be so stupid? Pardon me for being upfront. Love is not wanting to hurt others or making your spouse suffer. That's not love. That's being selfish and controlling. And you are allowing your spouse to treat you like crap. If you don't stand up for your rights, who will? And are you telling or showing your daughter that it's fine for her future husband to treat her the same way as her father treats her mother? Please wake up and stop telling other to be a submissive wife and telling others to be a doormat like you. You don't know how dangerous your advices can be for some.
 

Carabella

New Member
Hi noelsmum
Not saying that others have to follow me... Just that I tot things have changed for the better, after all these episodes... I know he is abusin me and in fact I have wanted to leave him but I told myself to give that last chance.
So things have become better after I tried out this technique. Go the soft approach. I know many ppl will not agree to that and I hate my dad for doing similar things to my mum in the past.
But after using the soft approach to my hubby, things have become better and he has not been violent anymore! So isn't that better?
 

Carabella

New Member
Plus I don't have evidence to show that he has abuse me.... I don't know what to do then and don't wanna tell any friends about it. So I read online and change my way of talking to him.

I know I am stupid but I really love my daughter that I worry if I divorce, he will take her away from me. Plus my mil she also wants my dd too..... So who can help me besides me being brave myself to change and turn things over?
 

noelsmum

Member
Hi noelsmum
Not saying that others have to follow me... Just that I tot things have changed for the better, after all these episodes... I know he is abusin me and in fact I have wanted to leave him but I told myself to give that last chance.
So things have become better after I tried out this technique. Go the soft approach. I know many ppl will not agree to that and I hate my dad for doing similar things to my mum in the past.
But after using the soft approach to my hubby, things have become better and he has not been violent anymore! So isn't that better?
Isn't that better? That's the question that only you can answer yourself. No one can answer that question. You mentioned that you hate your dad for doing similar things to your mum and now, these things have happened or are happening and I don't know if they will happen in the future to you, do you wish for that to happen to your daughter too? Victims of spousal abuse live in vicious cycles. Very often daughters or even sons from families that have witnessed abuse in their families became either the abuser or the victims. In your case, you became the victim and there's a huge chance that your daughter might be a victim too.
 

noelsmum

Member
Plus I don't have evidence to show that he has abuse me.... I don't know what to do then and don't wanna tell any friends about it. So I read online and change my way of talking to him.

I know I am stupid but I really love my daughter that I worry if I divorce, he will take her away from me. Plus my mil she also wants my dd too..... So who can help me besides me being brave myself to change and turn things over?
What makes you so sure that he will gain custody of your daughter? Have you spoken to a lawyer? Do you know that verbal abuse is also a form of abuse?
 

Carabella

New Member
No I have not but I really can't lose my daughter. I am scared too if I really divorce and he gets the custody of her. What shall I do?
Plus I have no evidence of him abusing me too....

After reading online, and me trying to make things better, life has changed for the better now so I would think I wanna give him another chance.

Plus no one will believe me coz to everyone he is mr goody man and moreover he is a professional, everyone thinks he is mr nice daddy and hubby....
 
Carebella, my heart really goes out to u...can see that whatever you are doing is to make sure ur daughter is still with you and maybe coz you love your hubby too much. But look, you may think that things had got better after all those you had done, but can you continue and be like that for the next 5 - 10yrs? When your daughter grows up, she saw what you doing and how your hubby is treating you, as in the way he talks to you etc, and she ask you y daddy is treating you like this, how are you going to answer? Are you going to tell her cause you did something wrong so daddy is punishing mummy? or daddy is just having a bad day? Hope you get what i mean.

As a mother as well, i will want my kids to grow up in a healthy and happy family. And of coz most importantly will be teaching them the values of life. Kids will always see us as their role models. Imagine if your girl sees the way your hubby treated you and think that it is ok, it is right, then she will be like you when she has her own family. Do you want her to be like you too?

As for the custody of child, maybe it will be better to seek a professional's advice before letting your imagination runs wild. In most cases, if the child is still so young, mothers normally get the custody. Furthermore, you are also working, so still financially abled. But best is to seek advice from them.

Don't be someone that you are not, don't allow yourself to be treated the way you aren't supposed to be treated. Wives are meant to be doted on, not to be abused or be a clown like that. Think of your future and your child's future.
 

faganbabyjul

New Member
unhappy marriage

There seems to be many little grudges that adds up to the current situation. I would rather not dwell into them but to ask you what does your heart wants you to do at this juncture. To stay and try to make things work for the family or do you really want a divorce? Communicate with him to find out what he wants too and then go and see a marriage councillor together. Speak with him with an open and sincere attitude for a good start and make known to him you expect the same treatment. Let him know it matters a lot you that you want things improved at home for the marriage and your kids if these are your objectives. Lastly, have faith that things will get better eventually if that is the common objective between you and your husband. Take care
 
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lsy

Active Member
Mental illness . Using weak family members to release anger. Advice is to see psychiatrist.
 

woofy55

Member
Ladies, just a quick check with yrselves.. what makes you marry yr hubbies initially.. Many a times, whatever you love abt him previously turn out to be a reason you hate now. Eg.. Then: He's so man.. Help to solve my problems. Now: he's so unreasonable.. Everything also make decision leave nothing for me to comment.

I was reading the book call "Secrets" and I've learnt about "Gratitude" recently. And it makes my hubby n me appreciate each other. And accept how each other is... Not tolerate. Tolerate will hv volcano eruption.. But acceptance will appreciate. (接受不是忍受)

You can start with both of you writing n listing down the things you are grateful abt each other. Starting the sentences with: "I am grateful with xxxx for ..... "

Post here whether it works for you guys.
 
you have married a chauvinist. he can't put down his pride. Hard against hard, this will go on forever. as a woman, willbe the loser as time pass. record down all or some of the happenings as proofs, whether hidden video or voice recording and let your elders, family members know and pretend to seek their opinion. Let them speak to him. You can't deal with him, he will never never say a sorry to you nor apologise, he will find all kinds of reasons to support his superiority and right decision making. the only way to shut him is when you make a mark in your work life and prove that your decision making has brought you to certain success or status....otherwise, you can forget about getting him to ever listen to your suggestion. No choice....just happened that you picked a CP. Either you pretend or psycho yourself to be a submissive slave or show him some colors. this type of guy only eat soft jello. Whether you can carry on with this marriage depends on how much he values the courtship foundation. If not strong, god bless you.

i remembered one of my friend also had about same experience like you. Then one day when she was again told to shut up, she screamed and wailed so hard and blamed herself for causing him bad luck that he changed to a softer stance. CP like weaker woman.
I applied the same for my kid who kept throwing tandem non-stop until one day I also threw a big tandem right in the public that my kid became stunned for quite sometimes......yeah later still tandem came back but.....I love the shock in his eyes....haha
 
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