Will u allow MIL to cane your kids?

maca

New Member
Hi, I am a new member. A brief intro of myself. I am a FTWM of 3 kids.

Would like to ask all of you out there, will you allow your MIL to cane your kids when they are naughty?
 

cn211279

New Member
Hi,

If my children are taken care of by my MIL and they tend to be the mischievous kind, I would allow my MIL to discipline my children in my absence. However, if I'm around, I would ask her to let me to discipline my children.

I believe if you put your children in the care of others, then you have to allow the caretaker some autonomy in terms of the level of care and the method of disciplining. However, if I don't agree with the caretaker's method, I will withdraw my children and look for alternative care which matches mine in order to avoid conflict.
 

maca

New Member
Thanks for replying.
I am firm believer of no caning and have requested no cane. Initially, she bought a cane without my knowledge and hide it. Recently it is out in the open and cane till my child have cane mark. I am so sad that as a mum i cannot protect my own child.
 

mtan

Member
Thanks for replying.
I am firm believer of no caning and have requested no cane. Initially, she bought a cane without my knowledge and hide it. Recently it is out in the open and cane till my child have cane mark. I am so sad that as a mum i cannot protect my own child.
certain times, the child needs to be disciple if not they will be beyond control.
 
I don't believe in caning too, the more you cane the child, you are only instilling fear in that child towards the care taker. And i felt constant caning will make the child a very angry kid. Instead of becoming a more well-behaved child, caning is like turning him/her to an angry monster. But that is only in my opinion. :)
 

Tannie

Member
I do not believe in over protecting the kid. If the kid is misbehaving, I will not mind MIL to cane, she is the kid's grandma, she has all the rights to.
 

maca

New Member
Based on my observation when home, there's lots if screaming and shouting going on at home. My kids had also shown signs of imitating what my mil does. ie. they will shout/beat/scream back at my mil. I tried stepping in by telling them its not appropriate but the cycle just went on n on. (my kids don't do that to me n hubby thou) So i sort of conclude it's the way they are handle. However, i hate to think that they will grow up to be violent people. Some may think that it's cos my mil can't handle 3 but in fact we have a live in maid and the 2 older kids goes to childcare.
 

cn211279

New Member
Although I have never caned my son so far (he is turning 4 this year) but I won't say that I totally opposed to caning him just that like you I believe violence begets violence and would probably use the cane only as a last resort.
My mum believes in caning though as that's the way we were brought up and we turned out fine. Hence, I send my son to childcare from 18months.
I don't see a point in asking the older folks to strictly follow our beliefs as they being parents themselves are entitled to their own practices and beliefs. And moreover, being elders, they are less likely to take our advice because they are more experienced than us. However, I believe that as the mum, I have the choice to choose who should take care of my kids and would chose someone whose beliefs generally matches mine.
Would talking to your MIL help? Try to understand the circumstances that your child was caned and propose alternative disciplinary action which works to your MIL? Maybe she does not know any other methods other than caning because that was "the way" in the past... Do try to be more understanding towards your MIL as it can get quite frustrating when trying to handle a young kid's tantrums.
If despite all attempts at communication your MIL still insists on caning your child resulting in violent behavior in your child. You might want to consider alternative childcare arrangements.
 

xiaodaisy

Active Member
since my kids are under the care of my mom , i would allow her to cane if there's a need when they are naughty , however my mom would give 3 times warning before she really cane =)

for mil , i'm not sure cos my kids not under her care =)
 

tania10

New Member
They misbehave with your MIL because she is caregiver . They hear most of NO and thousand of requests from her . That is why they ignore her , get on her nerve . It is kids psychology. If you were caregiver , few days later they will not listen to you anymore most probably . Because you would be bad and nagging person who try to discipline them. Kids are very smart.
 

maca

New Member
The whole issue is really bothering me. I can't stand my kid being cane n feels terrible as a mum. What do all of you think will be the best way to ask my mil to stop doing that without sounding offensive? Idea please.
 

Tannie

Member
The whole issue is really bothering me. I can't stand my kid being cane n feels terrible as a mum. What do all of you think will be the best way to ask my mil to stop doing that without sounding offensive? Idea please.
Ask ur hubby to talk to her nicely... Own son tell her is btr thn u tell her, I think...
 

littlena

Alpha Male
Hi, I am a new member. A brief intro of myself. I am a full time working mum of 3 kids.

Would like to ask all of you out there, will you allow your mother in law to cane your kids when they are naughty?
Depends, if your MIL is educated and knows what's she's doing including carry through her punishment then it's fine.. but if the MIL is those BTC type ..then better leave the "kid education" to the educated
 

Rukia

Member
I dont oppose to my mother or mil caning my kids. But it depends on how they are being caned. If its anyhow whack the whole body then i dont agree. But if the kid is naughty and my mil or mum gives her a few strokes on the butt or hand i think its ok.
 

littlena

Alpha Male
For me it's not the action of caning that is important but the "message" and how the person "Teach and educate" some MIL abit not educated ones tends to talk nonsense and cannot really convey the meaning ...so ...
 

maca

New Member
Hi, just a quick update. Manage to stop the caning for now after voicing up to hubby. Hopefully can continue.
Living under the same roof with MIL really is a form of art, especially with interfering ones.
 

felicity

Active Member
I'm living under the same roof as mil. My worry is pil spoiling my bb. I dun mind caning if a good reason is given. I rather that than to hv my bb become a spoilt brats like some other nephews brought up by pil.
 

felicity

Active Member
My mum herself is nt much educated but she has brought us up in a v good way n I hope to bring my bb up the same way. When we do the wrong things she will reason with us and make us see that we did the wrong thing and will hv to face the consequences.. And we will end up willingly stretch up our hands to be caned in our palms... She would not just cane us all over... No violence at all, and we were v good kids with minimal caning.
 

Frenchkitty

Member
Discipline is always a tricky issue- more so if the main carer is not the parents (ie ourselves) but our inlaws ...
For me, my in-laws don't cane , and don't even beat /smack my son, resulting in him being terribly spoilt becos he's the only grandson/ great-grandson & our so-far only child... So u can imagine how spoilt he is...

I think if a child is crossing the boundaries then disciplining is necessary - though we personally don't use canes (there r no canes in our homes)... But should scold / smack hands/ butt...

Why don't u outright tell yr mil to stop using cane or u will throw it away?? Sometimes "outsider" say is more effective than own child say becos she may be those stubborn type that won't listen to family advise..
That's what I did - I told my MIL to back off when Hubby & I are disciplining our son because he is our child , not her child. She's had her fair share bringing up her own kids (my hubby & his bro) so don't interfere with my child's discipline.. Surprisingly it worked though I sound like I'm very rude. She stopped "coming to the rescue"..

For yr case is she discipline "overboard" .. Lol
 
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