Would you allow your Hubby to go for Overseas business Trips?

[crystalpink]

Gem, I think perhaps you can start changing your mindset a bit. From reading your posts all I saw was, "I can't do this, I can't do that." You are a mom now and your daughter relies on you, so you need to start telling yourself, "I can do this, I can do that." I am seeing a lot of negativity and doubt.

If you are going to doubt your husband, thinking what if he stray, go out with his guy colleagues and do "evil things," then honestly I don't know why you chose to get married with him. Like a PP said, if he really wants to stray, even if he stays in Singapore he will do it. And I want to emphasize that you shouldn't let your fear and "what ifs" control you and make it lose trust in your husband. So what if other people end up in divorce because the wife trust her husband too much? Does this mean the husband have an affair because it's the wife fault? There are also couples who end up in divorce because the husband feel that his wife control him too much, even though he never do anything unfaithful. You are only digging a hole for your own marriage for something that hasn't happened.

He has not even done anything unfaithful to you yet. If he has done before then I would understand your doubts and worries. Marriage is all about trust, loyalty and communication.

I know it's not an overnight thing, but do make an attempt. I think as time goes by and you slowly gain more confidence in being a mommy, you will believe you can. You can constantly remind him that now his role is not only as a husband, he is also now a father and things will change.

Don't forget that all mommies here have a superpower, we're all very strong people! With the right mindset, I'm sure you can do a lot of things too!

I strongly agree with PinkDiamonds! My hubby has been travelling for many yrs since our courtship days till married. I don't think he has the time to build a new relationship in such a short period of time like 5 days or a wk. Plus minus off the 1st 2 days of travelling time left abt 3 or 5 days..but frankly speaking i will only get "a bit" concern if he is to travel with his female colleague 2gether. But most of the time he is travelling alone..n some more is for work not holidays. Maybe i hv already got use to this lifestyle so now im not in doubt with him, since he always has a "clean record" unless i discover any unusual sms..then that is another story.

 

[Gem2505]

I strongly agree with PinkDiamonds! My hubby has been travelling for many yrs since our courtship days till married. I don't think he has the time to build a new relationship in such a short period of time like 5 days or a wk. Plus minus off the 1st 2 days of travelling time left abt 3 or 5 days..but frankly speaking i will only get "a bit" concern if he is to travel with his female colleague 2gether. But most of the time he is travelling alone..n some more is for work not holidays. Maybe i hv already got use to this lifestyle so now im not in doubt with him, since he always has a "clean record" unless i discover any unusual sms..then that is another story.

my hubby gets to travel with another guy colleague. hmm.. dunno is good or bad. hope that guy dont give evil ideas all that. so far, my hubby been really nice to me n bb. he does most of the house chores at home. i appreciate all that. just that how to switch my mindset in getting used to the frequent travelling is the main thing i have to overcome.
on the short period of time to start a new relationship, i think it need only a second to do that. ha. maybe i very imaginative coz watched too much tv drama and movie. haha. only exchanging contact number is all it takes.

i m a VERY IMAGINATIVE person. haha. think if i go be producer, can really make up a good drama mama show. LOL!

 

[crystalpink]

my hubby gets to travel with another guy colleague. hmm.. dunno is good or bad. hope that guy dont give evil ideas all that. so far, my hubby been really nice to me n bb. he does most of the house chores at home. i appreciate all that. just that how to switch my mindset in getting used to the frequent travelling is the main thing i have to overcome.
on the short period of time to start a new relationship, i think it need only a second to do that. ha. maybe i very imaginative coz watched too much tv drama and movie. haha. only exchanging contact number is all it takes.

i m a VERY IMAGINATIVE person. haha. think if i go be producer, can really make up a good drama mama show. LOL!

Don't think too much.. just focus on yr baby, at least u r better than me rgt?? im worse than u after i married, feel that frds geting lesser n lesser. I normally don't take initiative to ask frds out n some of them not married but seldom get to gather for tea , dinner or shopping which we normally do b4 i married... so I normally stay at hme during wkends if hubby not ard, if im like u, keep thinking, i think i will surely suffer fm anxiety or depression. So i guess yr baby can at least keep u occupied n its easier to kill time.

 

[kittyyeo]

hm... my partner went to ROC for 1 mth when my first child is 4+mth going to 5 mth old... i am a working mummy... during his absence... i send my daughter over to my dad's place when i am working... fetch her back after work... during my off days... i will bring my gal out with friends/family... u will enjoy having ur very own time with ur gal... hahaha... during that time i also send him the progress of my gal... he miss out her first turn... he kinda feel disappointed that he cannot see... but i get to follow her growing process... isn't it very sweet... take it as a advantage... u have more time to bond with ur lil precious... she will be closer to you...

anyway... guess there are certain things that guys will like... ie... be supportive... guys will wish that their partner to give them support when comes to work... if u can let him go without worries that u may not be able to handle... he will be even more happy... and he will be able to concentrate on his job... anyway by being independent will some how make him worry to lose u... cuz he know u can handle everything by ur own... thus will treasure u more... sayang u more...

talking about trust and all... well... once i had a talk with some friends... and we realize that regardless guy go astray or the other way... both party is at fault... many a times pple go astray when they are down... so let ur partner feel the "warm"/passion in ur relationship... he will not wanna destroy the good relationship he has...

dunno if u all agree... a relationship takes 2 to maintain... you cannot let ur partner feel that he is not being treasured... at the same time... u cannot make him feel that u cannot survive without him... difficult... i am learning too...

 

[Gem2505]

Don't think too much.. just focus on yr baby, at least u r better than me rgt?? im worse than u after i married, feel that frds geting lesser n lesser. I normally don't take initiative to ask frds out n some of them not married but seldom get to gather for tea , dinner or shopping which we normally do b4 i married... so I normally stay at hme during wkends if hubby not ard, if im like u, keep thinking, i think i will surely suffer fm anxiety or depression. So i guess yr baby can at least keep u occupied n its easier to kill time.

meeting up with frens getting lesser but still i make the effort to meet at least once a month. sometimes weekday after work, sometimes weekend noon. coz they wanna see my bb. told my jie mei about this, they volunteer to acc me as much as they can for that 3 weeks. thankfully. since my mum will be looking aft bb for me, i can go out during weekends. my parents confirm will have plans to go out coz they same like me, itchy butt, cannot stay at home type. glad my parents always be there for me and help me. they can come all the way to my place to pick my girl when im going out type.
actually its good that i move home for 3 weeks and get pampered with good food + i dont have to be so tired looking aft bb alone. my mum used to be my girl's care given before she starts infant care. so my whole family ( parents & 2 sibilings ) had v close relationship with my girl. i can relax more staying over. hehe!

 

[Gem2505]

hm... my partner went to ROC for 1 mth when my first child is 4+mth going to 5 mth old... i am a working mummy... during his absence... i send my daughter over to my dad's place when i am working... fetch her back after work... during my off days... i will bring my gal out with friends/family... u will enjoy having ur very own time with ur gal... hahaha... during that time i also send him the progress of my gal... he miss out her first turn... he kinda feel disappointed that he cannot see... but i get to follow her growing process... isn't it very sweet... take it as a advantage... u have more time to bond with ur lil precious... she will be closer to you...

anyway... guess there are certain things that guys will like... ie... be supportive... guys will wish that their partner to give them support when comes to work... if u can let him go without worries that u may not be able to handle... he will be even more happy... and he will be able to concentrate on his job... anyway by being independent will some how make him worry to lose u... cuz he know u can handle everything by ur own... thus will treasure u more... sayang u more...

talking about trust and all... well... once i had a talk with some friends... and we realize that regardless guy go astray or the other way... both party is at fault... many a times pple go astray when they are down... so let ur partner feel the "warm"/passion in ur relationship... he will not wanna destroy the good relationship he has...

dunno if u all agree... a relationship takes 2 to maintain... you cannot let ur partner feel that he is not being treasured... at the same time... u cannot make him feel that u cannot survive without him... difficult... i am learning too...

wao! u're definitely a very strong mum. hmm. i agree on the part we have to show that, without hubby, we alone can handle everything so the guys wont have the impression that, without him, woman cannot live on well. i believe many of such happens to SAHM where they rely alot on hubby coz of the income and seldom have time to mingle around with friends and lost touch on the society. life is a challenge. we all have to overcome it. jia you!

 

[xiaodaisy]

i tend to rely hubby quite alot sometimes so i wont really like the idea of hubby going oversea for so long

cos he's the one who do everything for me , wake the kids for sch , bring them thro and fro sometimes .. do housework , preparing food for us ..

if he's not ard , i think i will be total mess

but unless its a must and no choice den bobian .. but if can choose , i wont ..

for him , he is someone very scare of being alone , sometimes wen i go mom's place , he will keep calling and ask when i gonna be back

or when i go out and he reach home before me , he can call every hr to ask wen am i home

but when i got home , all he do is SLEEP !!!! just SLEEP !!

how annoying rite , rush me back to see him sleep =.=''

so maybe let ur hubby know u and baby need him and he will reject the next time or will discuss with u and get ur permission before he agree =)

but its a good ting now that u enjoying the 3wks in ur mom's place !! blink blink and time will pass very fast =)

 

[keefu]

As per title, yes i will allow and as long as it concerns his job prospects, go ahead. Unfortunately now his job doesn't requires him to travel. Anyway biz trips are not for fun like going for holidays.

 

[apollo]

Gem2505, you said it is not easy for the one staying in SG. I think is becos you are afriad that you cant handle ur baby alone. But at least ur family is there to help you during this period. But how abt ur hub? He is going there alone w/o any family members with him. I think he too, wants to stay in SG to have more time with your but he is going also becos of your, he wants your to have a better life. And you said, he has rejected a few trips alrdy. Do you think it is good to keep rejecting his boss?? Yes you are willing to quit ur job anytime for ur baby. But if your hub is someone who will just quit and leave, ask urself, will you feel secured?

I have to agree with Mamapenguin. There is no such things that: Men can't be trusted. Cause if one wants to change, he will change, even a woman will change..

Since you cant change anything now, why not just accept it with positive mindset? Instead of keep telling urself you cant do it, you cant handle ur baby, why not do the necessary arrangements? Things will not turn that bad unless you keep telling urself: I CANT DO IT!

 

[Ting]

erm, my husb is away in aussie for 2.5 yrs studying. though he does comes back to sg during hols, but each time when he is away, it will be for months.. yours is ONLY 3 weeks.. whats so difficult?? i just moved from my mum's place to my own place in SKa couple of months ago. every morning i gotta wake up an hr earlier and prep me n my girl MYSELF (without the help of my parents anymore) and carry her big sch bag + hold on to her n squeeze with the morning crowd. gotta walk 6-7 mins to the LRT, squeeze, change to MRT, squeeze again (we get a seat if we r lucky, if not i need to carry her thru out the journey, yeah a 4.5 yo weighing 18kgs at least) , then walk another 8-10 mins to her CC and then i head to office. my parents and husb was damn worried i CANT do it. cos at my mum's place, its only a less than 5 mins cab ride away from my girls' CC). but hey, i proved to them (n everyone else) i CAN do it. becos i believed in myself n i make sure i do it. yes, there were a couple of hiccups on the way, with my girl being uncooperative on some mornings, cry n whine n take her own sweet time to stroll n stuff. but still, i manage it well enough..

and YES i will allow my husb to go overseas to work, and IF he plans to continue his studies overseas for another yr or so, i would allow it too. trust him? yes, why not? like mamapenguin said, not ALL men are the same, not ALL men stray. its a matter of choice. i do not deny that i worry (on my own)sometimes, but til now, 2 yrs+ over there, he hasnt done anything that made me worry at all. so trust is very impt , if i dont trust him, i think i would have gone insane a long time ago.

oh ya, my husb might need to be posted overseas after he comes back from studying for a couple of yrs, and i gv him the green light alr. i dont intend to go over with him due to our child(ren)'s education n stuff. might be tough on us again, but at least it is a better prospect in his career n he can put more $$$$ into our bank account.

 

[blackpiggy]

if its required for his work then no choice have to let him go right? i think it'll pressurize him more if wife quarrel over this with him. best to be nice to him and let him feel 'guilty' about leaving you both at home and will treat you better when he gets back. lol. Absence does make the heart grew fonder.
my husband job also requires him to travel very frequently for at least a week each time, at short notices, I can say that for a year he's in sg only for 6, 7 months.
He started to fly regularly again right after son turns full month. I'm alone taking care of son as my parents live far and are both working and my parents-in-law don't live in sg. Lucky thing is I can drive, although not very gd and I drove his car to send son to infant care then take mrt to work when he's not in sg.
I try not to argue with him before he leaves for overseas, least he gets upset and go 'tan2xin1' (talk-heart) to his females counterparts while he's alone there (my own imagination)
it's really tiring sometimes but i'm sure it'll pass, at least you got parents' help.

 

[Gem2505]

hmm... thanks all for your input.
i guess its a barrier i have to cross and get use to it. need some time to accept something "new".
this whole incident made me think twice whether i should go for #2.
i felt, seeing the kids growing up process is very important and no matter dad or mum, need to give the best of everything to them ( quality time, care, love, etc ).
im afraid 1 day, when he flys too often, his relationship with the kid would be distance, etc.
reading from all inputs, i see many mums have done it. its very encouraging to me and made me think i will be able to do it too. before the arrangement of going to my mum place, i told him i will carry my girl to the bus stop, take bus, change to mrt, walk to infant care centre, everyday, to n fro. but he just didnt allow it. insist that i have to move to my mum place, no 2nd choice. =_=" i want to be independant but how to train myself if he didnt allow it at all.
so now, its gonna be like, every trip he goes, no matter how many days, i have to move to my mum place. like im going for a trip too? i have to pack many days stuffs to my mum place. its a chore.
well, i just felt that i need to let him know that i simply Don't like him to go for overseas trip and hope he know my concern. if he can reject it then good. if cant, den no choice.
talking about going stray, ya, maybe one day, i am going to be the one. who knows. when he didnt have time for me etc. cant predict the future.
now, only can walk 1 step see 1 step lor. cant be bothered too much. think so much also no use. just accept the fact, go ahead and live with it. thats life. full of obstacles.

 

[Ting]

actually even if he insist u stay at ur mum's place, u can refuse? not like he will know.. just do it n PROVE to him u can do it. then he wont disallow u to stay at ur own hse alr.

 

[keefu]

HoW abt just taking a cab to work? At least save the inconvenience and u can be at work on time...

 

[Gem2505]

actually even if he insist u stay at ur mum's place, u can refuse? not like he will know.. just do it n PROVE to him u can do it. then he wont disallow u to stay at ur own hse alr.

he is afraid i cant cope with bb at home. then say me n bb at home only for 3 weeks, later anything happen, nobody can help. if go my parents place, then everyone can help. coz of the travelling to work with bb on hand ( i cant bring pram to take bus n train, alone cant bring up n down in bus ), he say v xin ku. he just dont want me to suffer physically.
but my concern is like, marry out liao, got own house, still want to bother my parents. like marry out de daughter still go home trouble them. but my parents are supportive that i go back their place. not about me, but more like wanna play with my girl. hehe! before my girl was borned, im their fave. now im second. haha!

 

[Gem2505]

HoW abt just taking a cab to work? At least save the inconvenience and u can be at work on time...

yah. calculated the cab fare ( 1 day about $60, which is quite alot ) n im staying at ulu place, no cab will come in type. have to walk a distance to the main road. carry bb n pram up n down the cab not easy. unless cab driver helps. yest i took cab, the drive ignore in helping me to put the pram into the boot. so angry. luckily my colleague helped me to the taxi stand and carry bb for me while i keep the pram.

 

[apollo]

he is afraid i cant cope with bb at home. then say me n bb at home only for 3 weeks, later anything happen, nobody can help. if go my parents place, then everyone can help. coz of the travelling to work with bb on hand ( i cant bring pram to take bus n train, alone cant bring up n down in bus ), he say v xin ku. he just dont want me to suffer physically.
but my concern is like, marry out liao, got own house, still want to bother my parents. like marry out de daughter still go home trouble them. but my parents are supportive that i go back their place. not about me, but more like wanna play with my girl. hehe! before my girl was borned, im their fave. now im second. haha!

Sry to say that, but i feel that you really THINK ALOT... I dont believe that daughters that are married OUT shd not go back to their parents' place to stay.. And like what Ting said, if you really dont wanna trouble them, then just stay at home and LEARN how to cope with everything. If you are afriad that you cant handle, then just take ur hub's advice. I think ur hub knows that u might panic easily over how to handle ur 7 mth old alone, how to bring her to infant care via public transport daily etc etc.. tt's y he suggested u to move over with ur parents. Actu I dont think this is a bad idea, u can spend more time with ur parents and slowly get used to ur hub's job scope. And when ur girl is older, able to walk alrdy, u can just bring her to take bus w/o the pram.

And did you ask the taxi driver for help? you have to ASK. and I think becos he saw ur colliq tt's y he assume that ur colliq will help (which is true), tt's y he didnt offer his help. next time just say "Uncle, do you mind to help me with the pram?" I used to bring my son to see dr in hospital and my hub who is always in SG can just tell me he is busy with work, cannot take leave even my son really need a pd. I just carry my son in a carrier, grab his big diaper bag and pram and go to the roadside to wait for a cab. He was btwn 2-6 mths old then. Sometimes if taxi uncle not keen to help, I also have to close the pram on my own. I wasnt an independent person but as my son grows, I become much more independent.. All thks to my hub "SRY I AM BUSY NOW!" LOL!!!

 

[Gem2505]

Sry to say that, but i feel that you really THINK ALOT... I dont believe that daughters that are married OUT shd not go back to their parents' place to stay.. And like what Ting said, if you really dont wanna trouble them, then just stay at home and LEARN how to cope with everything. If you are afriad that you cant handle, then just take ur hub's advice. I think ur hub knows that u might panic easily over how to handle ur 7 mth old alone, how to bring her to infant care via public transport daily etc etc.. tt's y he suggested u to move over with ur parents. Actu I dont think this is a bad idea, u can spend more time with ur parents and slowly get used to ur hub's job scope. And when ur girl is older, able to walk alrdy, u can just bring her to take bus w/o the pram.

And did you ask the taxi driver for help? you have to ASK. and I think becos he saw ur colliq tt's y he assume that ur colliq will help (which is true), tt's y he didnt offer his help. next time just say "Uncle, do you mind to help me with the pram?" I used to bring my son to see dr in hospital and my hub who is always in SG can just tell me he is busy with work, cannot take leave even my son really need a pd. I just carry my son in a carrier, grab his big diaper bag and pram and go to the roadside to wait for a cab. He was btwn 2-6 mths old then. Sometimes if taxi uncle not keen to help, I also have to close the pram on my own. I wasnt an independent person but as my son grows, I become much more independent.. All thks to my hub "SRY I AM BUSY NOW!" LOL!!!

ha. i think alot one.. n i rely on my hubby ALOT ( other than $, everything else i will rely on him ). =x this is the first time he is going away on a trip on his own. thats why things arises. all along dont have such problem. guess i have to learn, grow and get used to it. after talking to my colleague, she also understand my situation and said hubby will also miss me n bb when he is away. if really had a choice, he would rather stay in sg with us. i totally agree. he is not that kind of irresponsible person.
its not that i dont trust him all that. just that, he just agree to go without any discussion. its not like asking permission from me or i still reject him on the spot. i just need some communication and discussion coz need to make arrangement etc. we are living as 1, so everything have to talk and discuss.
if i didnt tell him beforehand i m going out with my friends (for a few hours), leaving bb n him alone at home, he will make a big fuss. so now, i will tell him in advance ( as soon as the outing is confirmed )

talking abt that taxi driver, at first my colleague not there to help. coz she is going for lunch. just that she see nobody help me, then she help. so far, i've met many nice driver that will auto help me to keep pram even if someone is there to help me carry bb all that. the one i met yest maybe mood not gd. the way he drive also dangerous. speed, cut lanes and keep stepping on brake v hardly. scared my bb will fly man. i carried her v tightly and reframe her from moving too much. my cousin say, nx time must open mouth to ask, if they still nv help, take down the cab no. and complain. haha! complain queen~

 

[Gem2505]

i felt so much better now. took many advises and gonna learn from all your experience n grow up.
dunno tear how many time over this issue..
have to give n take and cherish every moment now.

 

[diymummy]

Glad to hear you're feeling better and happy to see that you're taking in comments positively.

A positive attitude to life will definitely help! All the best!