Would you rather be home ALONE with baby or with parent/inlaws around as well?

[cocraze]

Hi all,
I'm a first time mummy. girl now coming to 2.5 months. I've been her main caregiver since my confinement lady left in late Jan 2010. I'm a brand new stay at home mum as I resigned mid last year.

Just been feeling so frustrated (at others and especially at myself) the past weeks cos I've been feeling so inadequate at taking care of baby and perhaps ultra-sensitive to others' comments and actions around me. I feel as if advice given to me has the intonation/tone of someone chiding me, as if they mean "I told you so!". Initially, I also grudged that inlaws would hurry to pick baby when she fussed, cos I hated that it would become a habit which I can't keep up with eventually when me, hubby and baby move to our own place.

Sometimes, I wonder whether I flare up more because of the people (not my baby) around me. The pattern seems to be that I flare my temper or say something sarcastic/insensitive/disrespectful, and then later, I get so angry with myself for doing so... But I can't seem to get out of the pattern even though I KNOW, deep within myself, that Im WRONG to be so rude. I feel so negative sometimes about this that I cry... I feel as though things are made worse cos there is an adult around me to vent my frustrations and anger upon, rather than if I were alone at home with baby.

If given a choice, would you rather be a stay at home mum ALONE with your baby, or with another/other caregiver(s), e.g. your parent(s) or parent(s)-in-law. I mean during the daytime, assuming hubby is back from work at night.

ps: Im just posting this to see if anyone else had the same experience, and whether its something that we women feel as a result of being stay at home mum.

 

[PinkDiamonds]

I've been a SAHM ever since my pregnancy, and my mom only helped me for a week with confinement as she had to go back to work. For the rest of the time, I'm always alone with my daughter as we are staying in our own place. My in-laws sometimes come over and they also fuss very easily over my girl. I didn't understand at all, and wanted everything to be my way. Of course with my in laws, it's a bit harder to tell them in the face. With my mom, it was easier to tell her and she also respected my views. But she also had her own thinking, believing that i'm inexperienced and know nothing about caring for my baby.

I cherish the quality time I have with my girl alone at home, but sometimes I also like my parents to come and look after her, while I go out alone, or go pak-toh with my husband. It gives me a good break from everything and helps me to relieve stress.

After a while, I learnt to let go about certain things/ways they look after my girl.

 

[Mummy to Baby V]

I have been an SAHM since pregnancy too, and relocated to Malaysia (KL) at that time. It is great comfort to stay with my hubby's family as they can help me out with baby for a short while when I need to bathe and eat. My boy was very fussy, so having extra hands at home is a relief.

Of course, as the main caregiver, I decide the way to take care of my boy. If there are differences, I would explain to my hubby and he would explain to his family our preferences.

When I return to my parents' home for vacation, I love it when they can help me play with my boy while I have some me-time, even if it's just surfing the Net in peace at home.

Fortunately, my parents and in laws respect the way my hubby and I bring up our boy. Perhaps it is because I have experience taking care of a young sibling, read up a lot on babycare and attended lessons during pregnancy and have been confident in taking care of my boy. They see my confidence and trust me to take care of the baby without intruding much.

I appreciate having others at home to help out and to chit chat with during the day.

 

[fioncess]

cocraze. i used to be like you n shoot back watever they say, and i stay with my mil. till i dun even wan to go out my room with baby. then things will get hot... but when andrea is older 3 months onwards. then will kan kai le...
i keep telling myself baby is mine i have the right to decide wat to do. so whenever they say someting i disagree i will tell them how i feel. i used to keep quiet n feel very angry or i shoot them in the face.
but now when i tell them how i feel or i disagree but tell them nicely n things get better.

 

[apollo]

i'm currently staying with my parents.

living with inlaws/parents hav pros n cons. u have someone to help out if u need to bath, take a short break, hav ur meal, go out alone to run some errands etc..

but when it comes to handling babies, it might not be as smooth. conflicts comes from here.. at times, my mum doesnt agree with my ways of handling ds. she keep saying "last time i also used this method, also able to bring u n korkor up so well" etc etc..

lik recently, ds's tummy was v dry. and pd told us not to apply too much ru yi oil on him. but my mum dont listen. so whenever she bath for ds, she will apply for him, when i bath for ds, i will not. she like to put ds in walker and let him zoom ard, i dont like. i rather sit with him and play with him or just let him leopard crawl ard.. so when she is taking care of ds, she do it her way, when i take care of ds, i will follow my own way. but the only thing i INSIST she must listen and follow is: NO SEASONING in ds's food! NO junk food! anything tt goes into ds's mouth, must go thru me 1st, let me QC! haha!

i'm still pretty lucky. cos i stay with my parents, so they can take my 'nonsense'.. cos when i say NO, means NO. but if i treat my inlaws this way, my hubby will suffer.

staying alone with baby has good points too. no one will interfere hw u going to handle/bring up ur baby. no one will nag n nag n nag!

bad point is, u got no one to help u when ur hubby is wking. but i'm sure u can handle it. at 1st definitely u'll feel stress and hav to re-schedule everything. but aft sometime, u'll get a hand of it and everything will goes on smoothly..

dun be lik me, i'm too used to my parents' help-out, ya very good cos less stress but lik tt i cannot be independent =)

 

[STmummy]

me too... had been stay at home mum since pregnancy.

I am the main caregiver for my son (13 month), and we are staying by ourselves. My mum is working and my MIL is taking care of my hubby's 3 yr old niece & 9 month old nephew.

During the 1st 3 months, it's very challenging and tough. As first time parents, we are still learning how to care for this young baby. It gets kinda overwhelming for me at times. With no one to talk to as it's only me & my baby. My shower is never more than 5 minutes. Lunch can be at 3pm or 4pm, cos baby always want to be carried. Thankfully my mum will come over to visit me during her off days. Finally I have someone to talk to, and she will help me tend to my baby while I take a breather. Sometimes she will help us take care of him so that I can go dating with my hubby!

I am really lucky that my mum will always seek our approval and when it comes to handling my son or feeding him. She totally supports BreastFeeding! Now that my son is on solid, she will always be saying "Baby you so lucky. Mummy cooked such yummy food for you!".

But when it comes to my MIL (she is not those shrewd type), but maybe cos she had been taking care of my BIL's kids, she will make certain comments, or give suggestions which does not work anymore. We will explain to them that PD said this & that, their method is not really correct. (One of the reasons I dont really want to take in her suggestions was because of how the 3 year old niece turn out to be.) We will go back to my in laws' place for dinner once a week, and the comments are always coming every week, till I dread going over for dinner.

Now that my son is 13 months old, I think my MIL has finally seen that I can make a good mummy too. I dont hear much comments now. But on & off she likes to compare the 2 babies (my son & the nephew). I hack care the remarks anymore, cos hubby & I know that our son is developing much better both physically & mentally. :001_302:

 

[jojoki]

i'll def prefer to be alone with baby. tht i can spend more quality bonding time, raise her the way I want to. When i go back to msia, wth all those extra pair of hands around, i noticed i'll stay glued to the tv the whole day n keep pushing her to those extra hands.

bck in sg, i'm ALL alone with her n i notice i will spend more time with her, reading to her, playing with her etc. so if u ask me i would rather be alone with her. i dun mind having my mom around... but def not my IL!!!

 

[woofy55]

i was taking care of louis alone after confinement and because it was inital months, it was more stressful then enjoying. I appreciate my parents popping by at times. But sometimes I feel irritated easily when I was told to do this to do that ie. powdering louis. Esp my dad, tell him thousand times the reason, but he'll still ask about powdering him. until he gave up now - hee... But ever since after my operation in feb, i went to my parents plc daily (my dad came and pick us up) so that someone can help me while I can rest. But like jojoki, when someone is around to help out, i'll also laze around be couch potato and watch tv.. haha.. especially my parents plc got mio tv and i can watch the drama series in advance..

but 1 thing i cannot stand my dad is he'll imagine what louis is telling him.. ie. saying louis is angry with him cos he didn't go and pick us up... (???!!!) but duno why that day louis kept looking away from him and don't wanna coo with him - hehe.. maybe really angry? Then also tell louis later will bring him down walk walk.. and when louis fusses a while later (to me is cos of fatique), he will say.. "oh oh.. i promise to bring u down and haven't bring you down issit... okok, let's go let's go... " Then i will tell him, louis is tired la.... but will still let him bring him down - but i will follow.. haha.. then behind him nagging that louis is tired.. he wants to zzz...

i find he imagine too much until my hubby sometimes, though didn't say anything, find it unbelievable of what he says. haha.. And he don't believe that babies need to be "taught" ie. sitting in car seat and sleeping. He will tell me that he is still so young, teach what?.... etc... but i still insisted my way. hehe.. And dad is super optismistic in the way that.. when he find that i worry too much. ie. Louis sleeping problem when IL take care of him next time and Louis' detesting carseat - how is hubby going to concentrate driving with a screaming baby behind?!.. etc. he keep telling me that he will outgrown one. I find, i really can't stop worrying... and I just find that he think things too simply!! haiz... whenever he come and pick us up, louis is screaming behind, he will ask me to pick him up.. I find sometimes talking to him will make my blood pressure rise. But he loves louis too much la.. so i also just leave it. But many times, i'll follow his pattern and tell him THRU louis... ie.. "aiyoh louis.. gong gong think too much hor?? kept imagining what you say" or "aiyoh louis.. u think i duno what ur little mind is thinking? u are very clever oredi hor? gong gong still think u small small duno how to think"... hhehehe..

My mom is better, she'll listen and follow my way though she was a nanny last time and loads of experience. She will give me advices but will also listen to me cos she know that now things are different. But i guess, if there isn't a lot of comments and "imagination tales" - i appreciate the fact that someone is there for me to pass over louis to and give myself a break.

 

[diymummy]

I was alone for a full 15 weeks of maternity leave apart from the first 4 weeks when my hubby was around.

I agree that it was tough after my hubs went back to work but I would prefer to take care of my son alone. In-laws and parents are too strong in opinion and they like to compare with what they did with their children more than 20 yrs ago. They refuse to accept what we want to do with our son and keep nagging at us and tend to be like "I told you so.. If you listened to me earlier... blah blah blah".

I can usually tahan the nagging when I am not sleep deprived but being tired all the time, handling "adult babies" is the last thing on my mind. I was more concerned of setting a routine for my baby before letting him settle in the infant care.

I think if my in-laws or parents were less demanding, I wouldn't mind having an extra set of hands.

 

[Feliz]

Hi all,
I'm a first time mummy. girl now coming to 2.5 months. I've been her main caregiver since my confinement lady left in late Jan 2010. I'm a brand new stay at home mum as I resigned mid last year.

Just been feeling so frustrated (at others and especially at myself) the past weeks cos I've been feeling so inadequate at taking care of baby and perhaps ultra-sensitive to others' comments and actions around me. I feel as if advice given to me has the intonation/tone of someone chiding me, as if they mean "I told you so!". Initially, I also grudged that inlaws would hurry to pick baby when she fussed, cos I hated that it would become a habit which I can't keep up with eventually when me, hubby and baby move to our own place.

Sometimes, I wonder whether I flare up more because of the people (not my baby) around me. The pattern seems to be that I flare my temper or say something sarcastic/insensitive/disrespectful, and then later, I get so angry with myself for doing so... But I can't seem to get out of the pattern even though I KNOW, deep within myself, that Im WRONG to be so rude. I feel so negative sometimes about this that I cry... I feel as though things are made worse cos there is an adult around me to vent my frustrations and anger upon, rather than if I were alone at home with baby.

If given a choice, would you rather be a stay at home mum ALONE with your baby, or with another/other caregiver(s), e.g. your parent(s) or parent(s)-in-law. I mean during the daytime, assuming hubby is back from work at night.

ps: Im just posting this to see if anyone else had the same experience, and whether its something that we women feel as a result of being stay at home mum.

cocraze.. so glad that you started this thread!! COs I'm feeling what you feeling!!! It all started since edlycia was born!! totally same feeling!! YES!! Im not alone!! :tlaugh:

I feel irritated whenever my in laws are around, they always like to "snatch" edlycia away frm me.. When edlycia was just born, my in laws will 24/7 stand at her cot to stare at her, YES i mean STARE..! When edlycia move a lil' or trying to stretch, they assume that she wants to be carried! I told them SO many times not to carry edlycia so frequently as she might get use to it, they say ok ok but still do it.. :bmad:

n also when i want to do something like feed edlycia eat medicine cos she was sick at that time, they would say "HUH? eat medicine again? dont't give her eat cos not good eat too much" I was like ?????????? medicine not good then y e heck doctor gave her medicine right? another was they always insist that they want to do things for me like feeding, putting her to sleep etc etc (LOT MORE).. n also whenever i wanna bring edlycia out, they will keep repeating to leave her at home w them. My purpose of goin out was to let edlycia see outside rather then stay at home only.. The best thing is they dont even know how to make edlycia milk, bathe her, change her diaper when she poo so how can i put my mind on ease to leave edlycia w them?
plus whenever im putting edlycia to slp or even if edlycia wakes up at night for dream feed, they like to call out her name so loudly to wake up her.. I was like $#%@$$@, i'm here tryin so hard to put her to slp n u a**hole makes her wake up!!

especially at e time when my hubby was oversea.. I suffered for 8 weeks with them and every night i would cry cos edlycia want to be carry n shake to sleep cos she already uses to it.. My temper was so so bad that i would scold my hubby when on skype even thou he's not in e wrong.. :001_302:

even now edlycia is 15weeks old, my in laws are still e same "pattern"..their sights just irritate me so much that i would lock myself n edlycia in e room whenever i can.. sometimes i really wanted to scold them but due to respect i keep my mouth shut..


My days with them are really torturing.. :wong21: whenever they are at home, i will find excuses to go out n come back at night so they dont hav e chance to touch edlycia.. HAHAHA..

i feel so happy when they all went to work.. in e day, i got e whole house by myself but when comes to night... AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(sorry very long.. just need to vent!!)

 

[angelwendy]

Yes thanks for starting this thread.. haha.. actually me now is staying with my parents & granny.. me & hubby is waiting for our BTO flat.. this year end then can collect keys....

Actually the only things i don't like is.. when they open my room door.. they will open untill quite loud... cause my baby is easily scare by sudden noise.. but i did remind them about this.. but :err: guess wat.. same thing happen.. untill i was so angry.. i scolded them.. & now whenever my dad see me.. he feel unhappy... but i don't wanna care anymore abt his feeling.. & i tell myself his unhappiness is not going to affect me...my dad is that kind that love to play mental game when he is angry...Let me explain y... when that day he is angry with the door thing... Benson Stroller was deliverd to us... then hubby got diffculty fixing it.. dad is sitting down in front.. but refuse to give a helping hand... even dad knows that i'm bz giving benson a bath... when there is quarrel i do feel bad.. but i feel that sometime is about consideration... can u imagine when u sleeping & someone make sudden loud noise?? how would u feel?? & also wat i feel upset is that... one day i was in shower.. my mum offer to feed Benson... then after feeding... she come outside toliet to tell me to burp my boy & wipe his poo??:embarrassed: in my heart i was thinking.. since i was in the shower... y can't u help me burp & change his diaper? instead of waiting for me to finish my showe?? i was a bit shock... but anyway.. wat can i expect from them?? Benson is my son.. i got no complain...

But one thing that i'm happy about is that granny has been very helpful to me.. from the first day i was home.. she cooked confinment food for me.. & make sure i don't go hungry... & also will offer to help me shower my boy as i don't really know how to do it... cause i'm a first time mum... :001_302:

I don't wanna say that i dislike my family due to all this things.. but i actually expected that there will be conflict even before Benson was born... so i was quite prepared... but trying to avoid... cause don't wanna make myself & others in the family unhappy also...

I was telling myself... just to bear for another 1 year.. & i'm out to my own flat.. so think after that our relatioship might be better... & i hope so...

 

[Renzie]

I've stopped working since pregnancy. And currently staying with in-laws but will be staying with my parents when the baby is born and at least til after my confinement.

My ILs are really nice people, and I know I can count on them to help me with my baby and during my confinement, however I also can predict that we will probably clash on how the baby should be taken care and on my confinement as husband's parents are very traditional. Which would mean no air-con and fan..and our room is super stuffy if we don't on them. My MIL have a tendency to go...."last time we also like that etc etc" Like during the recent CNY dinner, they kept pestering me to eat more prawns, and I didn't want to as doc had said to avoid shellfish. And when hubby defended me, she whispered to grandma saying that "last time when I pregnant I also eat everything..." Sigh...

And grandma had told me recently that next time, whatever we cook just put rub abit on the baby's lips, so that the baby can get use to the food and will not be fussy about it. And she says can start from 2-3 months onwards! So yeah, I'm already kind of mentally prepared with the clashing if we continue staying with them.

Whereas with my parents, its easier for me to tell them off, and they wouldn't go.."last time..." They'll just complain.."wahhh so troublesome" haha. But I know that in the end, they'll still help me out. At least I don't need to worry about hubby being sandwiched between me and his parents. I think I would prefer to stay with my parents then alone til I get the hang of taking care of my baby, especially during the confinement stage, since I'm a first time mom and will have lots of learning to do.

Cocraze: you can ask your parents or ILs to drop in once in a while to help with your child as you are a first time mom. To give you some time alone and to do your own stuff. Sometimes it'll be good to get out once in a while with hubby, spend some couple time, clear your head. Maybe you can reach an arrangement like weekends leave your baby with the grandparents, at least you can take a break once in while.

 

[Judy]

I have voted for option 2 because some time it is good to have someone ard especially if you want to go take a short break for meals or take a shower or something that requires your attention away from baby.

I too stayed with my ILs and also faces what many of you faces abt the different approach to bringing up my baby etc. However I have since learnt to give and take and close an eye to things that I cannot see just so as to maintain my sanity as well as to uphold peace in the house. After all, both of us love the bb deeply and wants the best for him as well.

 

[Hwei2]

I would choose to stay away from my in-laws.

Currently, I'm staying with them as our new house is not ready yet. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and things that my in-laws do or say really do make me very depress and upset. Recently, I had booked a confinement lady to help me out. My in-laws were very unhappy and insist me to cancel the booking, claiming that the house is theirs and will not torelate stranger in the house. They even told me that their family doesn't practise confinement period & told me its unnecessary.
(Too bad my parents' place doesn't have extra room for my hubby, me & baby to move over)

Few days ago, my in-law told me that she needs money as she had been spending alot during her outings. (My hubby does give her mthly household income but only for her to cook our meals) I told her nicely that I can't give her spare cash as I've been saving up for my coming baby. My hubby just started his own business and can't give her spare cash too. She is very unhappy and told me that my baby is here at the wrong time. She also complained that my hubby should work for others & shouldn't start his own business & said bad things about her own son.

ystd, I took a day leave to rest at home. she started to tell me that when she was young, she had to take care of a family of 15 ppl even when she was pregnant. She had to wash clothes, cook for them & expect me to do the same.
I explained to her that due to my job nature (as I have to go to construction site almost daily), I will be too tired to do all these after I knock off from work. And I do not expect myself to do all these when I'm on leave resting my swollen feet. Anyway, I do my own washing every weekend.

When my hubby is at home, her attitude is totally different. She will turn into an angel.

Initially, I took 2 weeks leave in advance, intending to rest at home. However, I've cancelled it knowing that I won't able to rest at home even I took the leave.

Feel really depress. I rather stay in office then to go home. :embarrassed:

If you have in-laws like mine, you will never want to stay with them.

 

[SH74]

i prefer to b home alone w baby. parents ard still ok. as for in-laws, once a while, i dun mind. haha...

 

[xue]

Currently im staying with my parents and they have no opinion in the way i bring up my children. Sometimes, my mum will give me advises on how to discipline my boy but she will still follow the way i want to bring up my kids.

But, i definitely will NEVER want to stay with my in laws.. We have too much conflict and i dread going over to visit them.

My second child was admitted to hospital last mon due to acute bronchitis and my father in law ask did the doc SUCK out her phelgm? Hello, how to suck out?? LOL!! i told him they will do pysiotherapy to loosen the phelgm n she will cough out the phelgm n swallow to the stomach n poo it out. He laugh at what i said n comment that the doc dont know anything. I think he is MAD man!!
And i enjoy bfing cause whenever i bf, i can bring my baby away from them..
hahhaha.. i know im bad...

 

[ling.er]

Currently i doin confinement @ my own hus.. When my newborn full month will move to MIL place .. I nv stay with them b4 so i duno hw thing go... If can i will rather stay away lo.. I mean have own hus.. Is better.. can teach kids on my own way ... :wong19:

- If MIL is easy goin i dun mind ....

 

[meiteoh]

I prefer to be alone.

My reason is not so much that I want to avoid clashes with my parents or in-laws - that will always happen irrespective of whether we stay together or not - but because taking care of my child is my responsibility as well as my hubby's. The sooner we adjust to being the sole caregivers of our children, the better it is for everyone in the long run.

By adjusting, I mean this - getting to use to no movies, no dinner dates alone with the hubby, a day and night schedule around a baby, lack of sleep and so forth. It forces us to relook at our lifestyle and be more creative, plus it allows us to bond with our daughter. Of course it'd be nice to be able to watch a movie but hubby and I have come to accept that it's no longer about the two of us anymore...so we make do with a movie at home instead.