Settling vs marrying for love

Red

New Member
As my title suggests, instead of marrying someone due to love, I settled and marry someone who is 'nice'. He loves me to bits but unforunately I don't love him to bits. I know it is terrible to say that of my husband but it is the truth and it has been bothering me lately. That's why I am writing. Not sure what I hope to achieve - getting it off my chest, seeking advice on what to do etc. So please feel free to respond any way you like. So this is the story:

I was afraid of not being able to find someone as I was already 35 years old and didn't have a magnatic personality. Also, I was somewhat poor so felt very conscious of that. Couldnt really engage in social activities over long periods to build up relationships as I just couldn't afford to go out. Further my job was demanding so was working long hours. Was also afraid that if people found out how poor I was, they would dump me like a hot potato. In addition, the men I like didn't like me and those that I don't like, liked me. Was also afriad that men would use me as I am attractive. Finally one of my chief concerns was that if i started something I would like it to lead to marriage but most times I was attracted to guys who were not my religion which meant that they had to convert to marry. Most guys wouldn't want to do that.

One fine day, my my husband came along and proposed, I accepted as he was willing to convert. We had a very short courtship and so perhaps that's why I didn't see his shortcomings.

We do have very different personalities and interests. Basically he is a quiet and a nerd. I like to talk (but I'm not a bubbly personality at all) and flirt but he doesn't do that to me. When in a crowd, he doesnt make much effort to be social whereas I do and I don't liek people saying my husband is not very proud and unfriendly as this is how it comes across. And also I was shocked that he is not so gentlemanly. Even my acquaintances will help my mother carry bags but not my husband. This is quite a big thing for me. We are both skinny but when I see him carry heavy things, his whole face makes me just want to ask him to pass it to me as I dont' think he is strong enough. This annoys the hell out of me as all me very skinny friends are very strong and can lift heavy things and never ask me to so do. And they are just friends.

He is so fusy about eating junk food and I am a food junkie.

I do like outdoor activities like running, cycling, dancing etc and never tire doing strenous exercise from day to night. He is not like that. he doens't seem to have any hobbies and tat actually makes it great to have him around the house as he does the cooking and laundry and can do things whenever I want. But it is boring.

The worst is his physical abilities. I know about 'staying together in sickness and in health' but it gets to me as he keeps getting back ache ,leg cramps and diarrhea and then has to lie down the whole day or even longer. Even my mother can see that he is not very healthy. In our family, we do what we have to whether sick or not. He also gets tired easily. This 'weakness' gets in the way of lookign after our children. I end up carrying them and taking them out while he rests. And he was the one who wanted the first one. I said we can't have just one, it's too lonely so we have two children. But even so, he doesnt play with them like most fathers do. He is so boring. And that annoys me to see our children prefer playing with their uncles than with their father.

Another problem is that my dream is to start up a business but every time I bring potential ideas up, he shoots them down. In the end I don't feel like telling him even or starting my ideas.

Basically, I feel like I settled for the wrong guy. Maybe that's why he wasnt married until he met me. He is well off but not well off enough. Not the physically strong guys I like to date or teh chatting ones I dated.

And so now, I keep thinking about all the other guys I like in my life. I was really crazy about a few of them. Seeing them made my heart miss a beat. I would do anything for them. With my husband I would also do anythign for him but more out of obligation rather than raw love.

I keep thinking about the really physcially fit guy, A.
I keep thinking abotu the really flirty, v. good conversationalist and warm R.
I keep thinking about the rich, W.
I keep thinking about the fun and social guy, C.
I keep thinking about... all the guys i dated as most of hte qualities I like are absent in my husband except that he is faithful and l loving.

Your thoughts please.
 

Red

New Member
Maybe you could suggest how I could love him. I want to love him to bits too. But I just don't.
 

Edwinie

Member
I think the first step to start loving him to bits is to stop thinking of better guys out there and comparing to your husband. You knew what you have gotten yourself into when you first married him. So I can say just compromise. Get into his world. Don't focus on his bad points but his good points. Someone has got to give in.

I like dance but my hubby don't. Tried to get him to learn with me but he is not willing. I just keep thinking about what activities we can do together. So we end up eating, which is the most common thing. There are quite a few restaurants that market themselves as being healthy. Maybe can try going to each one once per week?

Since he is into healthy food, why not go to the library and borrow recipes on health food and cook together?

I think the main point is not to compare to anyone or family. Comparing will never end and wot make u happy. So u have to stop that first!
 

diymummy

Moderator
A lot of people enter marriage asking themselves, "What do I want from this marriage?". Though this is not the wrong question to ask, it cannot be the only question to ask yourself. To make a marriage work, it takes two hands to clap. Apart from "What do I want from this marriage?" you also have to ask "What can I give to this marriage?". At least you are honest, truthful and aware of your feelings, which is a good starting point.

From what I read, I suppose your husband is the kind who likes routine and certainty. Why not set aside the weekends to do sthg which both of you like? Or you could do your hobby with him on a sat and you do his on a sun, together and with mutual friends. Since he is "shy" when he's with your friends, why not you try to hang out with his? Make it a routine, make it something to look fwd to.

Since both of your are of the same religion, I'm sure you go to the same place of worship (church/mosque/temple, etc). Why not start off from there, eg engaging in activities.

I agree with Edwinie that you have to stop thinking of "what would have been" because they will never be. No one anyone marries is gonna be perfect. There's bound to be strengths and weaknesses. That's why many times you hear that that your spouse should complement you and you complement him.
 

noelsmum

Member
I believe when the 'what ifs' starts coming along, that's when trouble starts to brew. What were your expectations in getting married? And maybe it's time to stop comparing him with other men. How would you feel if he did the same to you? Everyone has a different personality. I disagree that it was a short courtship and therefore you didn't see his shortcomings. I think there was a possibility that you ignored the shortcomings because you wanted to get married and therefore you had the blinkers on. A year or so after my best friend got married, he shared with me his marriage woes. Quite similar to what you shared but he's the husband talking about his wife to his best friend who is a female (me). After hearing what he said, I told him, didn't you see all her flaws before getting married? He sheepishly said he did but he didn't want o acknowledge them. Then I told him, you married her. You knew what you were getting yourself into. Yes, she's not the prettiest, she's a nerd and she's on her way to starting her PHD. But she's who you chose. Surely she has her positive points. So focus on those points and make the marriage work. Focusing on the negatives will be make the marriage crumble. He took what I said. They visited us 3 weeks ago and yes, they are making it work. He is putting in the effort. I'm glad for them. It always takes 2 to clap in a marriage.
 

Udayavani

New Member
maybe he is having mid-life crisis...bring him to a consellor or sit down n talk to him. A heart to heart conversation is the best.
 

Red

New Member
Thanks.

Ting - precisely my point. I felt that I was at others' mercy so when he chose me, I jumped in.

I seem to try to convince myself that I should write to 2 of the guys I liked before to tell them that because they didn't choose me I am now in an uncontented marriage. Hopefully that I would get over it and..
 

noelsmum

Member
Thanks.

I seem to try to convince myself that I should write to 2 of the guys I liked before to tell them that because they didn't choose me I am now in an uncontented marriage. Hopefully that I would get over it and..
Write to them for what? To blame them for your unhappy marriage? To hope for them to rescue you from you unhappy marriage? What's your purpose in writing then?
 

rainbow123

New Member
Actually i think you and hubby should be a good fixture .
What the point of having another "mirror" image of yourself ?
Me and my hubby is pretty different . I can down a 3/4 of a bottle of vodka by myself in a night , but my hubby cannot even drink . I like to talk loudly but he is very soft-spoken .. Good right ? I meant if I talk , he talk then who listen ? If i drink and he drink then who take care of the baby ? hahah .. Get what i meant ?

I guess just a little "devil" tots in your mind ... Time to be postive about your hubby. Amplify the good things and minimum the bad stuffs ...

Also you mentioned u want to write to the guys that you once like , what the point of doing that ? You are just simply a unhappy person right now and by doing all this useless stuff will not get you Snap out of it , it might backfired as you will feel guilty and stupid after doing it .
My best take , talk to doctor or counsellor.
 

noelsmum

Member
Actually i think you and hubby should be a good fixture .
What the point of having another "mirror" image of yourself ?
Me and my hubby is pretty different . I can down a 3/4 of a bottle of vodka by myself in a night , but my hubby cannot even drink . I like to talk loudly but he is very soft-spoken .. Good right ? I meant if I talk , he talk then who listen ? If i drink and he drink then who take care of the baby ? hahah .. Get what i meant ?

I guess just a little "devil" tots in your mind ... Time to be postive about your hubby. Amplify the good things and minimum the bad stuffs ...

Also you mentioned u want to write to the guys that you once like , what the point of doing that ? You are just simply a unhappy person right now and by doing all this useless stuff will not get you Snap out of it , it might backfired as you will feel guilty and stupid after doing it .
My best take , talk to doctor or counsellor.
That's right! If you want to save the marriage, focus on the good and not on the bad
 

Red

New Member
sorry but baby started crying. I had wanted to add that hopefully if they knew how much I enjoyed certain aspects of their person it would help me move on. However when I re-read my post just now it sounded like I was trying to assign blame to people for my uncontendment.

Thanks to those who offered some suggestions on 'spicying things up ' in my marriage. I will definitely not leave my husband as I did know what I had signed up for. Just disgruntled that I didn't pick someone I really connected with.

I really wish that I would come to love him with time.
 

Ting

Well-Known Member
sorry but baby started crying. I had wanted to add that hopefully if they knew how much I enjoyed certain aspects of their person it would help me move on. However when I re-read my post just now it sounded like I was trying to assign blame to people for my uncontendment.

Thanks to those who offered some suggestions on 'spicying things up ' in my marriage. I will definitely not leave my husband as I did know what I had signed up for. Just disgruntled that I didn't pick someone I really connected with.

I really wish that I would come to love him with time.
actually, the way u say it. i find that your husband is very pitiful. u mention u r the one who is afraid to be left on the shelve yet blame ur husband n everyone else after that. in the beginning, u got married for the wrong reasons.u mention he didnt get married til he met u, so i assume u r trying to say he has some issues thats why? but... arent u the same? thats why u r still unmarried at 35 and panicked? perhaps u need to consider deeply, what does a marriage mean to u?
there is forever a better person out there. but have u thought, so what if u hv been with those "better" guys? what makes u think u would be happier? to be honest, i just feel that u r not contented with what u hv and u just want something better, thats why, no matter how good is the person u r with, u will still find faults and complain that he is not gd enough n u could hv been with someone better. all u do is look at his flaws, but have u seen yours?
writing to those guys who didnt choose u to blame them? this is so immature and childish! it has nth to do with them right.. i think if i rcv such a letter from my ex, i would be thinking : "yah, thank god i didnt choose you!"
my advice is maybe u can consider seeing a marriage counsellor to help improve your marriage life.
 

edy

Administrator
Staff member
Hi Red,

You might want to watch this (the moral of this video is - you gotta find what you love, keep looking - don't settle).

I am not encouraging you to divorce considering you have 2 kids now but it was a mistake that you married your husband because you want to settle and not due to love.

As you might realize now that all these issues is your expectation, perhaps you could change your expectation and live everyday as if it was your last day and be thankful on having a faithful/loving husband and healthy kids. :)

[video=youtube;UF8uR6Z6KLc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc[/video]
 

Edwinie

Member
step 1: stop thinking about those guys so that u will not compare them to your husband. this is very important. if you don't do this, you can't move on.

step 2: list down the good and bad points about your husband. and think through the bad points and look at it in a different perspective. what is bad to you at first might actually be good.

step 3: make an effort to spend time together. if possible, let someone look after your kids and have a romantic day out just both of you. get ready to talk. like what i've suggested earlier, maybe u can cook healthy food together and eat it with candlelight. or maybe, if you like dance, you can sign up for trial classes, just convince him to do it just once (who knows, he might like it, although it can be quite hard to get him to say yes. i have yet to succeed.) you can also hire an instructor to do a one off private lesson.

step 4: see his hobbies, learn just enough to talk about it. as much as you want him to connect with you, you must connect with him. e.g. if he likes to read a certain genre of books, then maybe ask him to recommend you to read one and then after reading it, you can have a similar topic. something on that line.

my friend recommended me this book and i find it very interesting. The 5 Love Languages | Five Love Languages
buy one for your husband and you must read it too! learn how you can both express your love better. it can be a marriage savior!

BUT PLEASE DO THE FIRST STEP FIRST!!! IF YOU DON'T DO IT, YOU CAN NEVER MOVE ON!! sorry for the caps, but i think it's a very very important point that i can't emphasise enough of it.
 

apollo

Well-Known Member
What if one day your hub tells you "I woo-ed you not becos I like you, I married you not becos I love you. I did it cos I was afriad I will be left on the shelves". How would you feel if he tells you that??

You dont even make an effort to try to love him!! I know we cant force one to love another but since you chose to marry him, you have to love him! Love is so impt in a marriage yet you're saying you dont love your hub and you married him just becos you want to settle down.. Pls do something, If not just divorce and dont waste your hub's time! This is life, you have to do something, not acting in a drama which the lead actress will get a happily ever after life after telling everyone she married someone she dont love at all.

I'm not someone who encourage divorce of cos BUT if u carry on to behave like this, it will not only affect ur r/s with ur hub, will affact the kids too. pls, go thionk about it. whether u wanna do sth to save this marriage or continue like this. end up ur kids will be the ones suffering.
 
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noelsmum

Member
One can fall in love with the man and marry him and yet fall out of love in 5 to 6 years' time. That can happen. But at the same time, if there's no effort made to keep the marriage alive, people can fall out of love with each other. I do not have a perfect marriage. Mine is far from it. But we acknowledge each other's weaknesses and strengths and build upon it. A few years ago, my hubby decided that he wanted a few months of break from work. He quit and I became the sole bread winner. Was I mad with him, no. No, because when I left Spore to go to Sydney to do my masters, he supported me financially and emotionally. A marriage is a partnership. It takes 2. Everyone has their ups and downs in their marriages we just have to work on it. I've never regretted marrying my husband. We're complete opposites from each other. I like travelling but he hates long haul flights. He likes junk food and I hate it. He loves watching silly Chinese comedies and I find them a waste of time. But with every friendship, relationship, it's always a compromise. You can't win it all. Yes, you can but you have to work really hard at it and accept the weaknesses and appreciate the strengths.
 

yumitan

Member
I totally agree with edwinie.

I'm in the same situation as you. My husband is really weak and he gets tired and headaches easily. He loves veggie and hates meat and I'm the other way round. So whenever we eat, I will pass him my vegs and he will give me all the meat on his plate. My kids prefer to play with the uncle as well, initially I was so pissed but I try to look at the bright side. My hubby dont't play with the kids, then I'll make him teach the kids abc123.
He doesn't wash, cook or even change a diaper.. I did those and make sure him treat me to a meal or buy the kids something. I make sure I'll substitute something for him to do so that I feel there's fairness..

Well I used to think to myself why I married my hubby who is so poor now >.< and not choosing other rich guys who can buy me lots of branded goods or guys who are good at sweet talking so that he can sweet talk me to sleep every night but hey, my man loves me and he always put me on top of all others.. Can the rich guys and honeyed mouth do the same? I don't think so.. They might be typing sweet messages to other girls or busy buying branded goods for other woman while I'm typing this post. I can fall asleep within 5 mins and not get worried about my husband having affair because i know he loves me to bits.

Cherish him !!
 
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caramelpopsicle

New Member
While its true that marriage is a commitment, one must also think very very carefully about the trials it will bring. Which is exactly what you are facing right now and alarm bells are definitely ringing with the way you're describing your current situation. For starters, you're very blessed to be in a position where your partner loves you more than you do for him. Instead of being so myopic with his 'shortcomings', why not ask yourself...do you deserve the title of being a great wife when you're harvesting such thoughts on other people? That's almost as good as adultery.

Life isn't perfect. The reason why we say our vows is for exactly this stage you're at, to be able to gather strength from whatever little of each other's good points and compromise for a better tomorrow.

I have faith that you will do the right thing.
 

shopaholic

Member
Those men didnt choose you, so there's no point thinking about them. Your husband chose you to be his life partner. Although he has his shortcomings, I suggest you try to work things out in the marriage and like the others suggest, look at his positive points... like how he works hard to provide for the family, his willingness to convert shows how much he loves you, his faithfulness etc.
 
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