Single Mom To Be.

[AlongTheWay]

My ex-boyfriend and I are in our early 20s. I am still schooling, and he had just started on his career earning at least S$3k. I have been together with him almost for a year. I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant and the both of us are still living with our parents.

I was happy while I was with him. There were many ups and downs in the relationship, there were some things I was unhappy about him, and him, unhappy about some parts about me and my behaviour. He gets along fine with my friends, and I was alright with his friends too. My parents loved him, and I've gotten along fine with his family members. Of course sacrifices were made between us in the relationship. He's a great guy who treats me with respect and never has he been unfaithful to me, white lies were inevitable to prevent me from getting hurt over small issues. While pre-marital sex was a big no no for us in our religion and culture, we did it anyway, without thinking of the consequences.

Things were going smooth, or so, I thought. He had asked for a break up, his reasons were unclear. While still with him, we talked about our relationship, that we needed to stop committing "sins" and improve on ourselves first before being together because he felt that the both of us were not ready for a relationship. I was upset because I thought that I was ready, but gotten to an understanding that he's not ready and I tried to absorb all that in.

I had friends who "cared" too much about my life, I had tried my best to explain to them about the break up, but they had made conclusions on their own - that he's a jerk. They talked to him into trying to work things out, but things just got worst between me and him.

Ever since I broke up with him, things have just been negative for me. My best friend had passed away, I had to choose my friends wisely, trying to find a pillar of support while entrusting myself to God.

It's not as if we've not tried to work things out after the relationship. He said he had tried, but said that he had lost all feelings for me because of my behaviour and the "black face" that I always give. He wanted freedom, space, everything, away from me. What could I do? I've always love him....and I still do love him now.

I got to know that I was pregnant 2 weeks ago and broke the news to him. I asked him if he was happy, and he smiled and said "Yes, I'm going to be a father". A week ago, I found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant and we began to discuss about the future of the baby. He wants to be responsible for the baby.

He does not wish to marry me, because marrying someone he does not love is a mistake in his life. He wants the baby to live with him because he felt his family and him could do a better job in taking care of the baby (rather than my family) since I will be occupied with my studies and work after my confinement. All check ups, hospital bills and expenses related to the baby will be paid by him, he said. Whenever I miss my baby, I could come to his house to visit the baby.

My parents are disappointed and angry with him now, knowing that he is not going to marry me but wishes to take care of the baby at his house because they wish to take care of their grandchild too.

At the same time, I worry too. What if one day his parents will not let me see my baby? What if they stop me, and if I try to get custody of my baby, I will be refused because he has been taking care of the baby all those times?

All of us are still in the midst of discussing about the future of the baby.

I'm at crossroads in my life, thinking of the future. My parents have been extremely forgiving, loving and caring towards me for the past weeks, and just the thought of their love makes me cry because I want to be a good parent to my child too.

I'm scared to love anyone again...or even want to think of entering another relationship in the future. I still love him deeply now and have always dreamt to be his wife and live together under one roof, but it's all one-sided now. To ask him out for a simple dinner with me, it's hard as he will always have 101 reasons not to meet me, unless it's to discuss about the pregnancy/baby. I don't know how to make him less important in my life when I know of the fact that he wants to be responsible for the child. It makes me fall in love with him more that he's a responsible man. I wish to see him happy. At the same time, it hurts me because I know we will never be together... (from his own words). He seems to have moved on perfectly in his life, but not me. I have to put myself in his shoes and understand him... it's not easy but I have to get over him....

Came into this forum to find out more about pregnancy and to gain more motivation to be a single mother-to-be... Omg, this is so lengthy. Hahaha..

 

[hpc]

Hi how many months preg,if need any help or someone to talk can pm me.Don't think too much,since ur parents are supportive then be firm n think postive.My niece also have the same ,just gave birth to a baby girl.ancing_tongue:

 

[AlongTheWay]

Yep, trying to love myself more to think positive......

 

[Ting]

in what way is he responsible? if he was responsible from the beginning, he would not hv had premarital sex with u since he did not intend to marry u from the beginning, irregardless of having the baby or not.
honestly, he is just a selfish person, first he used u then dumped u, and when u get pregnant, he just wants the kid (or perhaps, his parents r the ones who want the child).

first and foremost, think abt it yourself, do u want to hv this child now? if u do want this child, yes keep the baby. but to give it to him n his family to look after? u think it is wise? honestly, learn to protect yourself n your own child. like u mention, u r worried that he might not let u see the child in the future, n it is a fact, u will NVR know what will happen in the future. what if in the near future, he finds someone he wants to marry? will he still let u keep coming over? if he can find 101 reasons not to see u now, he will give u 1001 reasons not to let u come near the baby.

IMO, if you n your family can afford to bring this child up, do it yourself. im a single mum myself. i was preggers at 19, gv birth at 20, dumped the useless man a few mths after my girl was born, we nvr married cos i knew somehow (after i got preg) he can nvr be the one who can give US (yes, me n my girl) happiness. only regret i had was to include his name in her BC, other than that, nvr regretted a moment of having my babygirl and leaving him. after my confinement, i looked after my girl during the day n evening time work PT at my cousin's shop til she was 18 mths. then i placed her in full day CC n worked FT. i just started PT night classes half a yr ago, my family helps me to tc of her when im not available. honestly, what your bf say is CRAP, i dont believe u cant find time to tc of your child. of cos, sacrifices hv to be made. instead of taking my dip immediately after i gv birth to my girl, i postponed my studies for 3 yrs. i dont see it as an issue, bcos i weigh my priorities. it's hard to make choices at times, bcos i want a better life for both of us (=better education) but at the same time i need to look after her first.
my take is, discuss with your parents ONLY on what u want to do with the baby. if keeping the child, what r the future plans with regards to your studies, n taking care of the child. i believe if your parents n u can compromise, im sure things will turn out fine.
good luck~

 

[kchiah]

Hi, like what Ting said, discuss with ur parent first..... U will never know ur ex boyfriend will let u see ur baby in future.... I believe ur parent will support u, listen to their advise. Take care of urself first, dun let ur loves one worry so much..... Show to ur ex that... Without him, u can live better life too. Now ur baby n ur parent are ur greatest support, Jia Yu .

 

[soapsoap]

If u have the mean to take care of ur baby, don give to him, I am sure u will do a better job in taking care of ur baby than him

 

[Ting]

oh ya, just to add, u wil be the one carrying the child, getting all the "bad things" (ie,pregnant symptoms like nauseousness, vomitting, leg cramps, weight gain etc), bringing the child to full term, and of cos, going thru labour and delivering the baby. SO ASK HIM, WHAT RIGHT DOES HE HAVE TO THINK THAT U CANNOT TAKE GOOD/BETTER CARE OF YOUR OWN CHILD THAN HIM?! WHEN U R THE ONE DOING IT FROM THE BEGINNING SINCE U R THE ONE PREGNANT WITH THE BABY? mother instincts develop the time she knows she is pregnant n comes naturally n immediately when the baby is born, a father's instinct can even take up to 1-2 yrs to develop! well, he might just probably dump the baby to his parents to look after instead!
he wants a baby so much? go hv his own then!

 

[hpc]

I have 2 baby bath tub,a portable sarong stand,simple baby-carrier to give away ,if u interested pm me.Self-collection at EAST side.

 

[AlongTheWay]

Dear ladies, thanks for all the advice given.

I don't really know why I am confused right now. Partly because I know his family members well enough to trust them to take care of my Baby. He was convincing, telling me that I ought to go back and concentrate on my studies after giving birth, while he takes care of the Baby. It just hurts my feelings...when he asks about the Baby's health, and not about my health in general. Like a few hours ago, he asked to meet, because he wants to see the Baby (ultrasound photos) and not me. The way I see it, it could be a high possibility that he's not going to let me see our baby in the future when he's giving me signs like this....

I really want to keep this baby, as expected of my parents. Financial wise, we're doing okay..

Thanks to all the views given here, I appreciate every single opinion.

 

[diymummy]

I think right now you should cut him out of your life. I agree with your other friends that he IS a jerk. And I agree with Ting too that he is selfish and making use of you - using you and then dump you. Don't continue to go down the wrong path with this man.

Do you think he will allow your own flesh and blood to call you "mummy" when he decides to marry someone else? Like seriously... So what if he's working and so what if his family can take care of your baby?

You can check with your school if they allow you to take a yr out. Ie, let's say school year starts in Jul, maybe you can stop for a year and then continue again when your kid is 1 yo? Since your family is doing ok financially and has already accepted the fact of your pregnancy, then why do you need his help?

I cannot understand how a man can love a child and do not love the mother of the child. I just can never square that.

And how can he be a responsible man when all he thinks abt is money and his future? Saying things like to marry a woman he doesn't love is the worst mistake of his life. Then if he doesn't love you, why go to bed with you?

Focus your energy now on taking care of yourself, remaining studies and making room for a baby in your life. Don't waste your time any longer meeting with a man who totally doesn't deserve any more of your time and emotions.

If I were you I wouldn't list his name in my child's cert. I'd avoid all his calls from now on and cut him out of my life. IF... he really loves the baby, he would love you too. He will regret that he didn't take you for his wife.

 

[Gluttonish]

Why not just keep the baby at your place, since your parents are happy to help you take care of him/her?

Your bf is just proposing that he and his family can take care of the baby, but you have every right to reject.

You are a mum-to-be now, love. Must learn to fight for yourself and your baby. He has already made it clear that he will not be with you, now and forever, why cling on the hope?

 

[Amulet]

I think right now you should cut him out of your life. I agree with your other friends that he IS a jerk. And I agree with Ting too that he is selfish and making use of you - using you and then dump you. Don't continue to go down the wrong path with this man.

Do you think he will allow your own flesh and blood to call you "mummy" when he decides to marry someone else? Like seriously... So what if he's working and so what if his family can take care of your baby?

You can check with your school if they allow you to take a yr out. Ie, let's say school year starts in Jul, maybe you can stop for a year and then continue again when your kid is 1 yo? Since your family is doing ok financially and has already accepted the fact of your pregnancy, then why do you need his help?

I cannot understand how a man can love a child and do not love the mother of the child. I just can never square that.

And how can he be a responsible man when all he thinks abt is money and his future? Saying things like to marry a woman he doesn't love is the worst mistake of his life. Then if he doesn't love you, why go to bed with you?

Focus your energy now on taking care of yourself, remaining studies and making room for a baby in your life. Don't waste your time any longer meeting with a man who totally doesn't deserve any more of your time and emotions.

If I were you I wouldn't list his name in my child's cert. I'd avoid all his calls from now on and cut him out of my life. IF... he really loves the baby, he would love you too. He will regret that he didn't take you for his wife.

actually, i beg to differ..

to TS's ex now, she is simply the mother of his child.. something like a surrogate mother to him..

fathers who are divorced from their children's mother love their kids all the same although they don't love the mother anymore..

he is an irresponsible bf, but he is trying to be responsible to the child..

what i feel is that TS and ex should try their best to be rational about this and seek the best way out for the benefit of the child..

they can work out a schedule to who will care for the child, ect.. something like what the law/family court would give.. and how much expenses will he pay for the child monthly, ect.. Keep the child by her side, but let the father be a part of the child's life where possible..

coz we all knows, even if TS cuts him off, he can always fight for the child's custody and visitation rights through the family court.. and he could have all the evidence that he wants the child right from the start.

JMHO

 

[diymummy]

actually, i beg to differ..

to TS's ex now, she is simply the mother of his child.. something like a surrogate mother to him..

fathers who are divorced from their children's mother love their kids all the same although they don't love the mother anymore..

he is an irresponsible bf, but he is trying to be responsible to the child..

what i feel is that TS and ex should try their best to be rational about this and seek the best way out for the benefit of the child..

they can work out a schedule to who will care for the child, ect.. something like what the law/family court would give.. and how much expenses will he pay for the child monthly, ect.. Keep the child by her side, but let the father be a part of the child's life where possible..

coz we all knows, even if TS cuts him off, he can always fight for the child's custody and visitation rights through the family court.. and he could have all the evidence that he wants the child right from the start.

JMHO

I'm sorry, there's no family court case here. They aren't even married. Even if he wants to fight for rights, he cannot do so. He can prove that he is the biological father but that's about it.

 

[Amulet]

I'm sorry, there's no family court case here. They aren't even married. Even if he wants to fight for rights, he cannot do so. He can prove that he is the biological father but that's about it.

as long as he is able to prove that he is the biological father, he have the paternal rights to the child and he can fight for visitation rights and custody even if his name is not in the birth cert.. this is why even for children to unwed mothers to be adopted under the future father's name, the biological father need to sign the form of consent for him to give up all his paternal rights to his child before any adoption can take place..

 

[masayuki]

Hi All,

Uncle is back after all the ups and downs in life....

My view on the whole matter is as such:

The ex bf will not be taking care of the child, his parents will be.... will he wake up at night to feed the child? Will be stay awake at night to soothe the child when he/she cries?

From all the information that I can see here, not a shred of responsibility can be seen. He does not seem to understand the pains, sacrifices and time a parent needs to take care of a child....

As stated, he wants his own space and freedom.... That's the first to go for a parent who is the primary caregiver.... I have serious doubts about his "responsibility"....

On the part of friends think that this guy is a jerk, perhaps so.... perhaps not.... We have never seen or talked to this guy....

The TS would most likely be viewing him in the best possible light as she says that she still loves him deeply.... Imperfect love as we know it can blind but the truth can set you free....

If they are both Christians, I suggest that the both of them with their parents, sit down with a pastor and have good talk.... The burden is not for the girl alone to bear, why must only one person go through a pregnancy alone if the other party claims to be willing to be responsible? Show it through actions....

It would be good if TS and the ex bf can sit down with some of us for a short chat over coffee and list down what they truly want.... If they insist on going the above mentioned path, then on the matters of custody, care and control, i will draft a legal document for both of them to sign, then get it sealed and stamped by a commissioner of oaths.... This will protect the mother and child....

If anyone needs more info or help, they know how to get me.... if not can ask Amulet

 

[mag_huiling]

There is no court case here. But even if there is, it will be TS and her ex bf. Every mother will want to fight for the child to stay by them. For same that the TS would want to, just that she hoped for another person to stay by her too, her ex bf.

Agree with Amulet, that the father of the baby can still fight for custody whether his name is in the BC or not.

In my Point of View, this guy isn't totally irresponsible. At least he took the initiative to pay for her expenses for the baby, even during pregnancy, but with attached conditions. Just like what Uncle Sam said, we don't know this guy, what we're listening to is one one-sided story, cant judged much by that.

TS, contact Uncle sam, he might be able to help you along the way and give you advices and be your listening ears. =)

 

[apollo]

Same as Ting, I dont feel that he is a responsible guy. And i STRONGLY DISAGREE that the baby shd be passed to his family, neither do i agree that they can tc of the bb better than u and ur family! I always feel that a mother's love can overcome everything. Yes, you might not be able to give the child the most exp stuffs as you're currently studying and might need your parents' help on the financial part. But so what? At least the child is with u, u can tc him etc. Do u think few mths/yrs aft u gave birth, ur bf (or his family) will let u see the child? if so, why he is not willing to marry u in the 1st place?

I know some mummies might not agree with me, but IMHO, i would rather u stop schling aft giving birth, find a job (be it PT or FT), and raise up ur baby 1st. Studies is impt i agree, but if u intend to keep ur baby, u might wanna consider this option, unless ur family's financial is okay and ur parents is also okay to help u with all the finance expenses until u complete ur studies and come out to wk.

There are many single parents out there. I believe that when they 1st know that they are going to be a single parent, they are like u too, dont know what to do, fear of the future, or even cant let go of the r/s. But they all made it!!! I have a few single mummies, and they are all doing well, their kids are well brought up etc. Since they can do it, u too! =)

 

[Ting]

TS, read thru the different advices, talk to your parents abt it, and see what options u have.
have an open mind and not jst follow your heart, also follow your mind. whatever decision u r going to make, just make sure u r willing to follow thru n bear the consequences ahead, be it good or bad.
i've come across some single parents, who boasts on how they can can tc of their child, bla bla bla... say til really "nice" but end up? they just dump the poor kid to their poor parents. be sure of what u want.it takes alot of effort, commitment n some sacrifices. not just a simple "i want to keep this baby".

 

[hpc]

U have to think,u're keeping this baby 4 who ,yourself or ex-boyfriend.As long ur parents support u,keep the baby to urself,don't give it to him unless he give u a proper status.All these people say one thing do another pattern.What promises are empty after take baby over.

 

[shi_san_yee]

as long as he is able to prove that he is the biological father, he have the paternal rights to the child and he can fight for visitation rights and custody even if his name is not in the birth cert.. this is why even for children to unwed mothers to be adopted under the future father's name, the biological father need to sign the form of consent for him to give up all his paternal rights to his child before any adoption can take place..

what if like my son's BC doesn't include father's name, i don't have to worry abt the adoption thing right?