Am I requesting too much to my MIL?

[sjchan]

I’m a full time working mother and my baby is 8 months old now. During weekday, I send her to baby sitter house during day time then fetch her after work. Of course weekend, my husband and I take care of my baby. Sometimes I want my own time then I ask my husband to request MIL come to my house to stay for 1 week and help to look after my baby so that I can have some own time (may be few hours only of 1 or 2 days of the week) to go for facial, shopping or meet up my friend. My MIL is helping my sis in law to guard her maid look after her 2 gals. But she only needs to help my sis in law alternate month (because MIL of sis in law take turn). So actually she has 1 month free time every alternate month. So far I’d requested 2 times but end up she stay for about 3 days then say want to go back Malaysia earlier. In the end I got no chances to have my own time. That 2 times my MIL only inform us she wants to back Malaysia last minutes (inform today, go back tomorrow) without any reason (she just said she want to go back earlier than plan). Some more 2 days out of 3 days stay, she went out whole day to visit her relative or go shopping.
Because of this I got grumble a bit to my husband, end up quarrel with him. He thinks that I may request too much. He offers himself to take care baby while I not at home but actually he not able to handle it alone. He got 1 time take care baby by himself, in less than 1 hour my baby falls down from bed! He also doesn’t know how to prepare food and feed my baby.
How can I have my own time? I only need few hours during my off day (may be every 2 months). Too bad my mother can’t help me because she is busy to take care her business (she owns a shop) in Malaysia. I don’t want to quarrel with my husband on this topic anymore but I really feel want to have some won time to release my stress. :we2arghh:

 

[paulinepoh80]

I feel that we can't expect too my h from mil because we are not their daughter, if they help it might seems like chore to them. Some more ur mil from Malaysia she may feel even more reluctant?
I suggest train your husband to take care ur baby. Start by while both of u at home ur ask him do then u monitor. Slowly he will pick up n practice make perfect. My baby is 3 mths now and is my second child. My husband never know how to sponge baby. He never did that for my eldest son. During my maternity, I everyday busy like mad with my eldest son n baby during evening. There is once I ask him help to sponge baby, since then he always help me. He don knownbut he learb.Finally I can more time to do my things like pump milk, hv dinner, shower etc.
Try to learn to let go so that others can help to ease ur burden.

 

[pixie]

First and foremost, I am also a full-time working mum and I don't stay with my own mother nor my mother-in-law. My own mother has medical history of hypertension, gout and slight diabetic.As for my MiL, she lives abroad.

Hence, when I go back to work when my girl was about 6 months old, I had to hire a domestic helper. Like most of you, at first I was skeptical and indeed my 1st helper who is a mother of 4 kids let my girl fell down 3 times in 6 weeks despite I had been telling her to be more careful and attentive which obviously she had ignored. So after 7 months of keeping this maid, I went to the agency to request for a replacement. New maid is with my family for 2-ish months and there are rooms for improvement. I dislike maid but I see that I don't have much choice - this I have to take risk and I don't want to burden my mother.

Like you, at times I want to have some time to run errands (e.g. facial, shopping or even to get away and take a breather!). Then I will arrange to bring my maid and girl to my mum's place and put them there for a few hours until I am done with what I want to do and then go and collect them.

By the sound of it, your MiL might be feeling bored having to take care of your baby for 1 week. She might be someone who dislike being 'tie down'. You made a request but do bear in mind that your MiL is not obliged to help you. She did help you to take care of your baby for a day or two. Before I was married, in one of the conversation I had with my mother, she ever commented that she had brought up 4 of us and now it's time for her to enjoy her freedom because before she spent all her time for the family and taking care of us. I have no problem with this and I fully agreed that it's not my mother's responsibility to take care of my child or to take care of her grandchildren.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying that you are wrong to make those requests but perhaps we should also put ourselves in their shoes and think how would you like if after your retirement or when you are in your 60s or 70s, when you can slow time and catch up with things which you do not have time to do before and then your kids wants you to take care of his/her children?

Simmer down and please do not let this bother you too long.

 

[sjchan]

I think I forgot to mention that actually my MIL is staying in S'pore most of the time. She only can go back to Malaysia when sis in law "allow" her to go back meaning when sis in law can take leave to guard her maid. What ever unreasonable request made my sis law, my MIL will obey quietly. I just don't understand why when his son (my husband) request for little help (help me) she always can't help.
I also know that my MIL not happy that I do my confinement and spend my maternity leave period at my hometown with my mother because she don't want my baby travel to Malaysia too young. But I got no choice because I also need my mother to take care me and guide me to look after baby. She never offer help then say the way I take care baby not correct or not good enough (in the other way, is critise my mum not teaching well).

 

[pixie]

you ought to understand that even our parents, they will have their favourite son or daughter. I am not saying all of the parents will show favouritism but this do happen.

My mother dotes my 2 brothers more than me, this I know but I don't take it personal. Just accept it as this is how she feels.

Regardless whether is your mother or your mother-in-law who is living in Singapore or overseas, basically the reason is pretty much the same. A person who enjoys her freedom or favour/dotes her daughter/son more, will be more willing to do something for that person when being approached. This is just the nature of the beast....like it or not. Truly there is no reasoning but just accept it. A request can be made but it does not mean it MUST be acceeded.

Also, try not to be oversensitive on casual remarks. She might not be implying that your mother is not teaching you well. She might imply that your mum's method of bringing up kids differ from hers. When we look at things in positive manner, we will not be so angry.

 

[kylnn]

Hi Sichuan, I really sympathize with you as my husband also cannot make it when it comes to looking after our baby (5mths old). The most he can do is entertain her for 20mins then he would lose patience / get bored and throw baby back to me. If baby crying for attention but I'm too busy, he would just let her cry cry until loud loud. Says she must learn not to be spoilt. #$@#$@ Total rubbish coz baby had already cried until coughing yet he still doesn't want to carry her; he's just being a dickhead. Hence I can never go out shopping etc whereas he can happily go jalan jalan outside for long hours. Thinking about it sometimes make me so angry, ugh.

My MIL also unable to look after baby coz she has no strength to do it.

But at least I have my parents who are willing & able to look after baby. So occasionally during weekends I would bring baby over during the day and slip out for a few hours.

Perhaps you can source for a nanny who's open to looking after baby on an ad-hoc basis during weekends. Would be abit more expensive, but getting that occasional time off to relax will be worth it!

Maybe you can also try negotiate with your current babysitter. Say only once in a while weekend help look after baby, perhaps half a day (rather than usual full-day), and that you willing to pay extra.