Article: Disciplining your Toddler- a new approach to an old method
- Thread starter edy
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Babybubbles
Member
Thanks for this interesting read. We have a little girl who's going to be 19 months old soon. In my family, hubby is the good cop and I'm the bad cop. He cannot bear to scold his little princess and on the rare time that he does, he'll feel really bad about it. We sometimes argue about this and still trying to strike a balance. I don't want her to grow up to be a spoilt little brat!
We're now trying for #2 and I'm hoping it'll be a boy as I don't want to end up being bad cop all the time! I'm quite sure hubby will be more firm if it's a boy. Sigh, any advice on how to manage this?
We're now trying for #2 and I'm hoping it'll be a boy as I don't want to end up being bad cop all the time! I'm quite sure hubby will be more firm if it's a boy. Sigh, any advice on how to manage this?
Hungribunni
New Member
Hi Babybubbles!
IMHO good cop/bad cop parenting is not a good idea at all. This is because one parent, as you've noticed by now, has to always be the bad cop- which is not good for building up strong bonds in the family.
I don't think we should play cops- whether good or bad, as parents we are there to be their educator, their friend and their parent & this is best done when parents work together as a team, with the same agenda. Basically, sit down with the hubby and decide what are the core values that you agree on with regards to bringing up your kids, what are the things that you can allow and what you cannot allow. Then make sure you both come from the same script, the same point.
I grew up in a family where we had the good cop/ bad cop scenario. My Dad played the former, mum drew the short stick and was the latter. What this meant was that I was very close to my Dad but I grew estranged from my Mum. It took years to get over that emotional and mental hurdle set in place by their choice of parenting style. To this day, I still am not as close to my Mum because she is sadly still playing bad cop. =p And my parents aren't really very close having grown apart playing good and bad cop.
With Kae, my hubby and I don't play against each other with the kid. We stand on the same side, play the same ball, call the same shots. We both decided from early on to always start with trying to educate him on why a particular action is wrong, what he can do instead and how he can go about it. But when he gets out of hand, we both play disciplinarian. Neither of us lets him get away with bad behaviour. Even if we disagree with each other, we will play the same card first and then discuss our POVs later on in private. The kid should not be privy to that sort of discussion as well. If one of us puts out a call to punish him if he continues behaving a certain way, the other goes along with the punishment. U cannot be inconsistent with kids. Once you show them that they can play one parent against the other, you're in for a rollercoaster ride. =p
Try explaining to your hubby that you do value his opinions on how to raise the child, that you guys are afterall on the same team, but that altho good cop/ bad cop can work in an office setting, it is best never applied at home to ensure that you both don't argue about the kid, and that the kid will not be able to get away by setting you up against each other.
IMHO good cop/bad cop parenting is not a good idea at all. This is because one parent, as you've noticed by now, has to always be the bad cop- which is not good for building up strong bonds in the family.
I don't think we should play cops- whether good or bad, as parents we are there to be their educator, their friend and their parent & this is best done when parents work together as a team, with the same agenda. Basically, sit down with the hubby and decide what are the core values that you agree on with regards to bringing up your kids, what are the things that you can allow and what you cannot allow. Then make sure you both come from the same script, the same point.
I grew up in a family where we had the good cop/ bad cop scenario. My Dad played the former, mum drew the short stick and was the latter. What this meant was that I was very close to my Dad but I grew estranged from my Mum. It took years to get over that emotional and mental hurdle set in place by their choice of parenting style. To this day, I still am not as close to my Mum because she is sadly still playing bad cop. =p And my parents aren't really very close having grown apart playing good and bad cop.
With Kae, my hubby and I don't play against each other with the kid. We stand on the same side, play the same ball, call the same shots. We both decided from early on to always start with trying to educate him on why a particular action is wrong, what he can do instead and how he can go about it. But when he gets out of hand, we both play disciplinarian. Neither of us lets him get away with bad behaviour. Even if we disagree with each other, we will play the same card first and then discuss our POVs later on in private. The kid should not be privy to that sort of discussion as well. If one of us puts out a call to punish him if he continues behaving a certain way, the other goes along with the punishment. U cannot be inconsistent with kids. Once you show them that they can play one parent against the other, you're in for a rollercoaster ride. =p
Try explaining to your hubby that you do value his opinions on how to raise the child, that you guys are afterall on the same team, but that altho good cop/ bad cop can work in an office setting, it is best never applied at home to ensure that you both don't argue about the kid, and that the kid will not be able to get away by setting you up against each other.
meiteoh
Well-Known Member
The problem with the good cop-bad cop routine is that it'll end up with your child pitting one parent against the other. I have seen it happening with my ex's sister whereby she, at 20 yo, would run to her father to complain about how her mother lectured her for a mistake and then watch with amusement as her mum gets a shelling from her dad. At one point, things got really bad to the point where the mother was contemplating on getting a divorce.
While each parent has their own approach to discipline, the general consensus is that you must have ground rules and agree on them. For example, if one parent says no, the other parents must agree. Caving means that the parent who says no has no authority whatsoever and can be easily undermined or worse, the child may not take that parent seriously at all. That itself will open up room for politicking in a family and drive a wedge between parents themselves.
One thing my dad said during one of my fights with my mum as a teen was this, "No matter how wrong your mother may be, I will never go against her because she is my wife. I will stand beside her, even if it means going against my own children". I respect and love him for that because he is carrying out his duty as a husband first - which is, must and should be the case between husband and wife.
What I don't like currently is how my parents undermine my authority in my own home. When I scold my toddler, my parents immediately go to her and say that I'm bad, I'm scolding her for no reason and they permit her to throw a tantrum. They'll bundle her away and so forth. I have tried to reason with them so many times - DO NOT do that when I'm disciplining my child. I am trying to raise a well-behaved and well-mannered child and what you are doing doesn't help at all but being of that age and mentality, they feel that they have the right to undermine my authority when it comes to disciplining my child. Awful really. =.=
While each parent has their own approach to discipline, the general consensus is that you must have ground rules and agree on them. For example, if one parent says no, the other parents must agree. Caving means that the parent who says no has no authority whatsoever and can be easily undermined or worse, the child may not take that parent seriously at all. That itself will open up room for politicking in a family and drive a wedge between parents themselves.
One thing my dad said during one of my fights with my mum as a teen was this, "No matter how wrong your mother may be, I will never go against her because she is my wife. I will stand beside her, even if it means going against my own children". I respect and love him for that because he is carrying out his duty as a husband first - which is, must and should be the case between husband and wife.
What I don't like currently is how my parents undermine my authority in my own home. When I scold my toddler, my parents immediately go to her and say that I'm bad, I'm scolding her for no reason and they permit her to throw a tantrum. They'll bundle her away and so forth. I have tried to reason with them so many times - DO NOT do that when I'm disciplining my child. I am trying to raise a well-behaved and well-mannered child and what you are doing doesn't help at all but being of that age and mentality, they feel that they have the right to undermine my authority when it comes to disciplining my child. Awful really. =.=
Hungribunni
New Member
Hey Mel,
Yea I have the same problem with my folks too.
Interestingly, my in-laws believe that it is up to the parents to decide on the values and the ground rules for their kids. So they don't get involved in the disciplining process.
Sadly, my parents do not respect that boundary. He will tell me I am being too hard on the kid- and I am just talking to my boy! Lol. My Mum will say I am too lenient.
I was so fed up one of those days we have our differences I waited for Kae to sleep, walked out and told them firmly, not rudely, that with all due respect, he is my son and when I am disciplining him, they should not interfere. I do not like it one bit and neither will my hubby. If they have any issues with how I raise him to bring it up when we are alone. I think they were quite stunned when I put it across to them. The funny thing is my Dad used to always tell my Mum that Kae is my son and to let me decide on his things... but he would do the opposite. Lol. After the talking to, Dad basically lets me do the disciplining. He will tell me when Kae misbehaves and let me handle the situation without butting in.
I also made it clear to Kae that my parents can say whatever they want, but mummy and daddy's words overrule them when it comes to disciplining him. He can forget about playing sides against each other. And I always, always reinforce that Mummy and Daddy always come from love when we have to reprimand him. We will never scold him or discipline him unreasonably.
I hope your parents have begun to toe that fine line between well-meaning and cramping your decisions when it comes to discipline. If they do it again, just keep telling them firmly and politely when the kid is not around, until they get it. Patience is key with the older folks.
Yea I have the same problem with my folks too.
Interestingly, my in-laws believe that it is up to the parents to decide on the values and the ground rules for their kids. So they don't get involved in the disciplining process.
Sadly, my parents do not respect that boundary. He will tell me I am being too hard on the kid- and I am just talking to my boy! Lol. My Mum will say I am too lenient.
I was so fed up one of those days we have our differences I waited for Kae to sleep, walked out and told them firmly, not rudely, that with all due respect, he is my son and when I am disciplining him, they should not interfere. I do not like it one bit and neither will my hubby. If they have any issues with how I raise him to bring it up when we are alone. I think they were quite stunned when I put it across to them. The funny thing is my Dad used to always tell my Mum that Kae is my son and to let me decide on his things... but he would do the opposite. Lol. After the talking to, Dad basically lets me do the disciplining. He will tell me when Kae misbehaves and let me handle the situation without butting in.
I also made it clear to Kae that my parents can say whatever they want, but mummy and daddy's words overrule them when it comes to disciplining him. He can forget about playing sides against each other. And I always, always reinforce that Mummy and Daddy always come from love when we have to reprimand him. We will never scold him or discipline him unreasonably.
I hope your parents have begun to toe that fine line between well-meaning and cramping your decisions when it comes to discipline. If they do it again, just keep telling them firmly and politely when the kid is not around, until they get it. Patience is key with the older folks.
Babybubbles
Member
Thanks for the advice and sharing. Yes really agree that both hubby and I need to be on the same page. Luckily I think there's been some improvement. Our girl seems to be going through the 'terrible 2s' early and has been throwing tantrums quite often. I told my hubby that I cannot be the only one disciplining her. he still finds it hard to scold her but at least he lets me deal with her tantrums without stepping in as the good cop. Just yesterday, he even told her 'mummy said no, so daddy also says no'. Progress!!
The "good" thing is he's starting to understand where I'm coming from because he sees his parents doing it with his brother's baby boy. They're looking after him full time and pamper him like crazy. They rush to pick him up every time he makes a sound or cries, especially my mum in law. She will insist that she's not hungry and will skip a meal just to carry him if he's fussing. His brother and wife are both frustrated as they don't want them to spoil him. It has caused a few arguments and just last week, we sat in uncomfortable silence after his brother told off his mum when she rushed to carry her grandson when he started getting fidgety at dinner. And I'm quite sure she'll do it again... Hungribunni u're right about having to be patient with the old folks!!
The "good" thing is he's starting to understand where I'm coming from because he sees his parents doing it with his brother's baby boy. They're looking after him full time and pamper him like crazy. They rush to pick him up every time he makes a sound or cries, especially my mum in law. She will insist that she's not hungry and will skip a meal just to carry him if he's fussing. His brother and wife are both frustrated as they don't want them to spoil him. It has caused a few arguments and just last week, we sat in uncomfortable silence after his brother told off his mum when she rushed to carry her grandson when he started getting fidgety at dinner. And I'm quite sure she'll do it again... Hungribunni u're right about having to be patient with the old folks!!
Hungribunni
New Member
BabyBubbles-
Wow. That really sounds like an awkward moment.
I am still trying to get my parents to STOP FEEDING my son when he is eating slowly. He likes to slowly chew his food and swallow, as opposed to gobbling everything down fast- a good habit actually. He is 8 going on 9 and I really think that he has to learn the consequences of eating slow is that the food is cold and not appetising. They are concerned that if the food is cold he will get unwell. Sighs.
At 4 we told him he had to eat on his own when he's 5 without help. At 5 same story, ditto with 6... and now he is going to be 9 in May! I get really cross when they feed him. When he is with hubby and I, he eats perfectly well on his own with a little prodding and encouragement. Whenever my Dad starts feeding him, I will tell Kae, "Gong gong shouldn't be feeding you. I want you to eat on your own and eat a little faster. If you don't learn how to eat on your own you can forget about going for school camps or church camps next time." My Dad will take my cue and stop feeding Kae, and Kae will eat on his own because he definitely wants to go for camps and have fun with the other kids. =)
My hubby's aunt handled her kids this way- she puts the food there and lets them finish it own time own target. Her kids turned out great- 2 beautiful women who are healthy and strong. So what if the food gets a little cold? They will still be okay.
BUT... ya... grandparents always tend to wanna do things differently from parents. Remember how they handled us and how our grandparents handled us? Lol. This is a total reprise of that situation with parties switching roles.
Just keep keeping firm and also don't be rude or angry when they persist. Just keep telling them nicely to let you need your kids need to take the cue from you as you are their parents. You can let them know that you still respect their views and opinions & will consider applying them where applicable, but need them to understand that your decision as the child's parents is the final word at the end of the day.
Hwaitin! =)
Wow. That really sounds like an awkward moment.
I am still trying to get my parents to STOP FEEDING my son when he is eating slowly. He likes to slowly chew his food and swallow, as opposed to gobbling everything down fast- a good habit actually. He is 8 going on 9 and I really think that he has to learn the consequences of eating slow is that the food is cold and not appetising. They are concerned that if the food is cold he will get unwell. Sighs.
At 4 we told him he had to eat on his own when he's 5 without help. At 5 same story, ditto with 6... and now he is going to be 9 in May! I get really cross when they feed him. When he is with hubby and I, he eats perfectly well on his own with a little prodding and encouragement. Whenever my Dad starts feeding him, I will tell Kae, "Gong gong shouldn't be feeding you. I want you to eat on your own and eat a little faster. If you don't learn how to eat on your own you can forget about going for school camps or church camps next time." My Dad will take my cue and stop feeding Kae, and Kae will eat on his own because he definitely wants to go for camps and have fun with the other kids. =)
My hubby's aunt handled her kids this way- she puts the food there and lets them finish it own time own target. Her kids turned out great- 2 beautiful women who are healthy and strong. So what if the food gets a little cold? They will still be okay.
BUT... ya... grandparents always tend to wanna do things differently from parents. Remember how they handled us and how our grandparents handled us? Lol. This is a total reprise of that situation with parties switching roles.
Just keep keeping firm and also don't be rude or angry when they persist. Just keep telling them nicely to let you need your kids need to take the cue from you as you are their parents. You can let them know that you still respect their views and opinions & will consider applying them where applicable, but need them to understand that your decision as the child's parents is the final word at the end of the day.
Hwaitin! =)