Mandy Wong
Member
Repeated post
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Bad relationship with parents
- Thread starter Mandy Wong
- Start date
Newmumi
New Member
Hi there, I'm facing the same situation the same as yours & mine started since I was 14. Now I'm 21, problems & hatred has snowballed. Every shit they make me into, ive to face it & I'm very tired especially with having work & a 18mths old son. It's never easy. No matter how hard you try to resolve things, it's back to square one. A lot of my friends have asked me if I was adopted as they could see me suffering for 7 long yrs even after I chose my hubby to get married. Wherever I go,be it study or work, my parents would tarnish my name & cause me trouble. Now after even their grandchild is born, they curse & swear more. Deep down, I'm Soo hurt. I'm waiting for my BTO flat hence, gotta to tolerate. Cos of them, hubby & I have been staying separately as the disapprove our marriage. Tough time. Just believing in god everyday.
Don't worry. God is there to witness all happenings.
positive.
Don't worry. God is there to witness all happenings.
positive.Katherine57
Member
I believe it's the way parents are brought up and therefore, subconsciously apply the same way to teach us. Asian or Chinese parents in particular are not used to the praising system. Instead how they teach the kids is by telling them of the potential danger or the bad things. Of course how it comes out of the mouth is very much dependent on the parents personalities. My parents used to tell me that cannot do this or cannot do that. This won't work or that won't work. I'm useless etc ( when they are angry) of course as I grew up, I argued back and now that I am very much older and married and proved that I am capable of taking care of my own life, they have let go and rely on me instead for advise or opinions. But they will still tell me this won't work or this not good etc. my hubby is sometimes pissed why my mum always pour cold water on us but I explained that that is how she tries to guide us or protect us.
Looking at it, checking on your acc could be because they are worried that you are spending money unnecessarily and overspend. It's a way of showing their concern just that it may not come out as concern. At least they are not taking your money without asking or demanding you give them all your pay so they can sort out the finances for you.
Looking at it, checking on your acc could be because they are worried that you are spending money unnecessarily and overspend. It's a way of showing their concern just that it may not come out as concern. At least they are not taking your money without asking or demanding you give them all your pay so they can sort out the finances for you.
Frenchkitty
Member
I dont have a sour relationship with my parents but my own Mother has stopped working for about 9 mths now and although she was working and drawing a high salary ($5k a month) for all her working life, I'm very shocked to find out that she has spent all her hard-earned $$ frivolously and has no savings all these years.
I transfer $ every month to her and my Dad's bank accounts when I get my pay but one day she asked me for $200 more because she cited the reason as she has no $$ to buy undergarments. Knowing the type of spendthrift she is, she said she had asked from my Dad and he refused to give her because he said "You are not working now and still think of spending $200 on bra & panties". Maybe my Dad is thinking she should use the $ on better things like food instead.
For me, although I draw a decent salary and live comfortably but I ration my monies every month for food, children expenses, my own bills, and also for my Maid levy/ salary and expenditure.
I'm starting to worry that my Mom will start leeching off me because she seems very comfortable not working , not having an income all because she can ask from me as her "back up". Of her 3 children, I'm the only one working because both my brothers still schooling. Just a random rant... Of course I'm not those unfilial sort but just worried for my Mum's spendthrift "never save for rainy days" ways.
I transfer $ every month to her and my Dad's bank accounts when I get my pay but one day she asked me for $200 more because she cited the reason as she has no $$ to buy undergarments. Knowing the type of spendthrift she is, she said she had asked from my Dad and he refused to give her because he said "You are not working now and still think of spending $200 on bra & panties". Maybe my Dad is thinking she should use the $ on better things like food instead.
For me, although I draw a decent salary and live comfortably but I ration my monies every month for food, children expenses, my own bills, and also for my Maid levy/ salary and expenditure.
I'm starting to worry that my Mom will start leeching off me because she seems very comfortable not working , not having an income all because she can ask from me as her "back up". Of her 3 children, I'm the only one working because both my brothers still schooling. Just a random rant... Of course I'm not those unfilial sort but just worried for my Mum's spendthrift "never save for rainy days" ways.
Mandy Wong
Member
How old is your mum? Is she on her retired age? I think it is very hard for her to suddenly switch from buying branded items to cheaper stuff. I think you need to tell her firmly that you can only contribute to her a certain amount monthly and nothing more.
Frenchkitty
Member
Mandy, she's 56 this year. Still far from retirement age ... And if life expectancy is till 86 years old, then she still has 30 yrs to go without job/ income.
Mandy Wong
Member
Repeated post
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Frenchkitty
Member
Hi Mandy,
anyway sorry I was busy yesterday & finally I sat down and read your post in detail today.
I find that your parents are pretty abusive in their language and the way they show their care & concern towards you.
Well in their generation, I dare to say that NOT all parents love their children - they sometimes have children not out of love or to "complete a family" but more to fulfill social & familial obligations to carry on family line/ have more children to look after them when old/ or simply because they knew no form of effective birth control.
That's the same as my parents mentality (and my parents only 50+) -- My parents from my bros & I were young always drill to us that when we grow up we need to support them, and they will also keep asking us whether we will give them $$ when we grow up. I remember I was about Pri-school age then. So you see, these type of parents dont't know the "love" we know, they only know how to show "tough love".
About the part they always use verbal criticism on you, yah that's also part of their "tough love".. They dont know now times have changed and it's better to use reasoning with people other than insults. Because they were probably brought up that way also.
When I was in Sec School, if I wore sphagetti strap tops or put on Makeup, my Mom would call me names as well - Prostitute, bar girl, cheapskate etc. All those -grading names she will call me in my face.
Then she would always scold me and ask me faster go find a man get married and move out of her house.
Eventually I got married and moved out then she started acting better towards me (because my Hubby's family runs a business) so she will always call up my Hubby to fetch her (even though we stay in East and she stays in Woodlands), and help her run errands.
- When weekends she will suddenly call up and ask "Are you coming back to visit?" This doesnt mean she misses me, it means she wants to go somewhere and wants free chauffuer because always after I go back havent warm up the sofa she will say she wants to go NTUC/ etc buy things (and make my Hubby carry her groceries whereby she got 2 sons staying with her).
- Eg. she will suddenly say she's doing some craft work & her scissors spoilt, can we go Tampines IKEA buy her a bunch of scissors and bring to Woodlands??
- She once in awhile will have some bags of stuff to donate but she wont do it herself, she will ask my Hubby to go pick up the bags from Woodlands and drop them at Guang Ming shan temple. (From Tamp -> Wdls -> Bishan -> Tamp again).
- Now that I recently hired a Maid because pregnant with No.2, she will try to make use of my maid by saying things like "Hey your son (my 3yr old toddler) touched my mirror and got finger prints, can ask your Maid polish the whole mirror??" and keep asking me if my Maid is free can ask her come Woodlands help her pack her messy house?
** Even though she is not a good Mother and used to treat me like shit, I still fulfill my obligations to her as her daughter but I'm damn glad I married & moved out and stay very far from her. LOL... 90% of the time Hubby & I will oblige to her unreasonable requests and lucky Hubby is very nice never grumble about having to drive up and down for her. B
Maybe you can move in to stay with your BF or are you married Mandy??
As for the rummaging through your things part, I agree it is rude and moreover you are a grown adult, you should not be treated like a kid. Even I dont rummage through my maid's things because she is a grown woman and I honestly dont know what your parents hoping to "discover" from your bank book and drawers ??
Is it they dont allow you to have BF?? But still that's a silly reason to rummage through people's belongings and infringing on privacy.
anyway sorry I was busy yesterday & finally I sat down and read your post in detail today.
I find that your parents are pretty abusive in their language and the way they show their care & concern towards you.
Well in their generation, I dare to say that NOT all parents love their children - they sometimes have children not out of love or to "complete a family" but more to fulfill social & familial obligations to carry on family line/ have more children to look after them when old/ or simply because they knew no form of effective birth control.
That's the same as my parents mentality (and my parents only 50+) -- My parents from my bros & I were young always drill to us that when we grow up we need to support them, and they will also keep asking us whether we will give them $$ when we grow up. I remember I was about Pri-school age then. So you see, these type of parents dont't know the "love" we know, they only know how to show "tough love".
About the part they always use verbal criticism on you, yah that's also part of their "tough love".. They dont know now times have changed and it's better to use reasoning with people other than insults. Because they were probably brought up that way also.
When I was in Sec School, if I wore sphagetti strap tops or put on Makeup, my Mom would call me names as well - Prostitute, bar girl, cheapskate etc. All those -grading names she will call me in my face.
Then she would always scold me and ask me faster go find a man get married and move out of her house.
Eventually I got married and moved out then she started acting better towards me (because my Hubby's family runs a business) so she will always call up my Hubby to fetch her (even though we stay in East and she stays in Woodlands), and help her run errands.
- When weekends she will suddenly call up and ask "Are you coming back to visit?" This doesnt mean she misses me, it means she wants to go somewhere and wants free chauffuer because always after I go back havent warm up the sofa she will say she wants to go NTUC/ etc buy things (and make my Hubby carry her groceries whereby she got 2 sons staying with her).
- Eg. she will suddenly say she's doing some craft work & her scissors spoilt, can we go Tampines IKEA buy her a bunch of scissors and bring to Woodlands??
- She once in awhile will have some bags of stuff to donate but she wont do it herself, she will ask my Hubby to go pick up the bags from Woodlands and drop them at Guang Ming shan temple. (From Tamp -> Wdls -> Bishan -> Tamp again).
- Now that I recently hired a Maid because pregnant with No.2, she will try to make use of my maid by saying things like "Hey your son (my 3yr old toddler) touched my mirror and got finger prints, can ask your Maid polish the whole mirror??" and keep asking me if my Maid is free can ask her come Woodlands help her pack her messy house?
** Even though she is not a good Mother and used to treat me like shit, I still fulfill my obligations to her as her daughter but I'm damn glad I married & moved out and stay very far from her. LOL... 90% of the time Hubby & I will oblige to her unreasonable requests and lucky Hubby is very nice never grumble about having to drive up and down for her. B
Maybe you can move in to stay with your BF or are you married Mandy??
As for the rummaging through your things part, I agree it is rude and moreover you are a grown adult, you should not be treated like a kid. Even I dont rummage through my maid's things because she is a grown woman and I honestly dont know what your parents hoping to "discover" from your bank book and drawers ??
Is it they dont allow you to have BF?? But still that's a silly reason to rummage through people's belongings and infringing on privacy.
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