Feel like want to end this affairs

[scarletng]

I'm divorce, mother of 4 years daughter.

As mention above, I feel like want to end this affairs with this married man. He is late 40s with 3 boys,
age 10, 7 & 6. We been togather for 2 years +++. I know him that time he already married. That time
I was very misery with so many problems around & lonely, he is the one who console, help & take good
care both of us. He treat both of us very good, better then my ex. So far, my daughter still can get along
with him. He treat her as her own daughter.

He comes 2 or 3 times a week. I know abit of his family only. He don't like me ask his family things.

Until now, he still treat both of us very good, no change from the time we togather. I have ask him before
few times what we you think the future of us (me & my dauther & your wife & your sons), he always say,
does "I treat you & your daugther not good, not taking care, so why ask this again, as long I'm still
around, I will take take care all of you (me & my dauther & your wife & your sons). Every month he will
bank-in some money into my account. Even without his money, both of us still can survice as I'm working also.

We did quarrel & argue sometimes, he is the one always give up no matter what, even I'm wrong in the 1st
place. He respect me even if I don't give him that day. Few times I don't give him at all. He don't force me if I don't like to do things I don't like. He always please me what I wanted to do. He gives me freedom.

Please advice, what I should I do, I feel like want to end this affairs for the future of all of us (me & my
daugther & his wife & sons) but he still treat both of us very good, no change from the time we togather.

Please advice, dear sister/s.

 

[quincy1986]

first you have to be very sure of what you want. is it really affirmative in your heart that you can do without him?

start by communicating this with him. if it does not work, start cutting off all your forms of communication. resort to changing numbers etc.

you mention he comes over. you mean to your place?

try telling him (not quarreling) that you do not want him to come over anymore.
do you have other places to go to? like perhaps parents' place?
if not try to insist your way that you do not want him over anymore.
but be careful, he is of 40 years of age. he might want his way. he might be overbearing.
if necessary, take legal action. might make him hate you if you do.
but if you really want to end this relationship with him, you got to be hard hearted.
try to explain things to your daughter.

actually he might be going to you as a form of relief from his family, like maybe his wife.
because he finds that being with you might not require him to be burden with any form of responsibility.

 

[pinky80]

Before u make any decision, ask yourself: Will you be happy if you are his wife?

So what if he is treating you well. There won't be any future for your affair with him and how will your daughter think when she gets older? You should put more love in yourself and your daughter instead of a man who betrays his wife behind her back.

 

[MsKoh1973]

I think he is just making use of you, leave him, no doubt he give u money, no doubt he dun force u if u dun "give" him, cos he knows, if u reject him, u won't do it forever, he w come again and again until you give in and let him have his way.

Why he dun tok abt his family? Is for normal for man to "eat out" and blame it on wife not being understanding, cannot get along etc, he dun even want to tok abt it, doesn't means that he got integrity (if he has he won't be having affair already), it only means that maybe his wife is very good to him, he still dun appreciate, or maybe he is guilty of wat he is doing now and he dun want u to know too much abt him.

If he is really interested in you, care about u, he w want to share with you his feelings, his emotion, yet he hide his family details from you. I am very sure he is just making use of you for sex purpose. Leave him, he w not let u off easily.

If u r leaving him, before u inform him, please do your planning, I think it may not be easy to be a clean break, but at least do it now when your gal is still small, easier to explain to her. Good Luck !

 

[scarletng]

my apologize to all ladies, I dont't wish to be 3rd party, breaking up others familys relationships.

I know hows the feeling as myself a divorcee too.

thats why I'm writing in this forum as I feel like want to end this affairs the sooner the better.

I want to end this affairs but I dont't know what to do myself.

my daughter did ask me before, is uncle will be my daddy 1 day, I told her, no such things,
uncle is just mummy best friend only, why uncle hugging & kissing mummy then. I was dumb,
told her, ooooh, nothing, just like uncle hug & kiss you before, right.

He did say before, there is no relationships problems wiith his wife or family, so why still want to ask him.
Once I ask him to much about his wife, he rough on me, slight painful but he did aplogize to me later afterward.

Not everytimes we have sex when he comes over as he never force on me if I dont't want to do. Sometimes we
dont't have sex the whole week. Sometimes I just massage him after that maybe a BJ or HJ can do. I dont't think
he is using me as his sex slave.

 

[MsKoh1973]

he is using u as a "sex alternative".unless u telling me totally no sexual relationship n he still willing to befriend u, still gv u "pocket money".

just leave him, besides money n fake care, there's no future. u still got long way ajead of u, set a gd example for ur gal cos she w starts to understand soon.

 

[Alisa]

tell u the truth, he will never leave his family just to be with u. he seems to be responsible to his family in a way that he is still taking care of them but in the same way, he is betraying his trust to them. he had let down on his wife to be a good husband and to his son for being a good father. like some mummy said, put yrself in the wife shoes, do u wan yr husband to betray u too? u are looking for a company but a wrong company in him. he is already taken and u should break up this wrong relationship faster before any more wrong is done. this is for yr own good as well for his. by leaving him, u are saving his family too BUT whether he will stop having an affair after u is another thing. he can betray his wife now, he can betray u too.

 

[scarletng]

dear all, yesterday night, we had a arguement about ending our affairs, he seems to be don't want end this affairs,
why & whats the problems, I told him, because is for my daughter future, I don't want to grown up in such situation,
her mother is a mistress of some married man, some negative impact on her later.
he ask me, do you want me to divorce my wife & create a problems later for them & married you, am I treating you
no good all this while, am I forcing you to do somethings that you don't wish to do etc ..................
I told him, no, I never think asking you to divorce your wife & married me all this while we were togather,
is because of my daughter future, thats why I want to end this affairs as soon as possible.
very late only he go back, before he go, inform me, I'm coming this afternoon, I can't sleep well the whole night too,
thinking thinking thinking, feel very sleepy & moody this morning, need to send my daughter to child care centre.
I'm taking off today as his coming this afternoon to talk, no mood to work also, what should I do, very 'fan" I now.

 

[ainni]

For the sake of your daughter, you must be very firm with your decision and end it. I understand why you are indecisive abt letting go because you hope for someone to care for you & daughter, but this man is not the one. Every woman hope to be loved & pampered by someone but you need to move on because there will be no future for you n that man. If this goes on, it will be bad for your daughter, she will starts to understand and she will start to question more. How are you going to answer her then?? For a better future for you & daughter, end it and leave this man. He will be angry about it or persuade you not to, but do not change your decision, in your heart & mind keep telling yourself you must end this, It's for you & daughter good. Be strong sister

 

[Alisa]

yes, agreed with ainni, u have to be firm, if not u will be soft heart by this sweet talk and back to square 1. there will be no future if this relationship continues.

 

[vivitan]

Hi there,

I know some may not like or agree what I am going to write, but I feel and would like to advise that 'so long as you are happy' just do what you want. Dun have to worry about impact or future or what others will think.
Frankly, the impact already hit your with the divorce, so no one can tell if your current situation will hit her as well. Who wish to be divorced, right and I am sure you are being forced by circumstance to go with divorce and especially when your daughter is so young. When the real 'hit' will come, nobody knows, it may be when she grows older or when there is a change in family nucleus (either you re-marry or what).
Yes, you are troublednow, you don't wish to be somebody's mistress and think it set a bad example on her, but do you think that if you go with another man and happily marries him to so called settle down will make her any happier?
Let me tell you, the answer is a 'No'. If you so called chose a man to marry and settle down and thought you will give your daughter more happiness, a complete family, a man she can call daddy, then you may be wrong. With a second marriage, you will set up a family with your hubby and give birth, you will then have to deal with in laws problems (unless you chose a man with parents dead) and next you have to deal with your daughter's feelings of being 'outcast'. She will feel that you now have a complete family with your husband and your child. I am telling you all these because this is the route I have chosen and am walking now with hardships.
I got divorced in 2004 and registered second marriage in 2008 and gave birth to second daughter in 2009. I have custody of my daughter who is now 15 years old but she is in girls home now. Ask me why? The above reasons stated could be the cause of all happenings. Whats more, I have tried my best to be a discerning mother after the divorce and seek her opinions before I remarry and gave birth to second child. She was okay all along and had been a very obedient child since young. But hell broke loose when she turned 13years old. With her own puberty to handle plus situation at home, she does not know where to turn to and she turned to her friends and there was no looking back. On top of this, I have to deal with a difficult, or sorry, should be super difficult mother in law who never for once respected me as her daughter in law (because I am a divorcee) since day one I got married to her son.
So, just look at me and the route I am walking now - Please do not do anything rash!
If you are happy now, stay this way, you don't have to seek people's approval to live the kind of life you want.
Yes, this man betrayed wife and family, Yes, he wants the best of both worls to have wife, sones, you and your daughter BUT it was a mutual decision between you and him. If you had not agreed, would he have a chance to betray (with you), if not other woman? So dun point the finger only at him now.
If he can give you security and happiness for now, live with it.
Sometimes in life, it's not about what you want, but about what you already have.
If you need to talk more privately, you can email me at vivitan1506@gmail.com
Stay happy!

 

[MsKoh1973]

u deserve someone better. He want to know if u want him to divorce his wife, he want to put the blame on you, if he divorce his wife, he w say u make him cos u ask him to do so. What good is in a man who dun even take responsibility on the things that he do, dun face the consequences of the choice he made.

He should be making his own decision on what he wants, and not asking u to do it and then later put the blame on you. He is a coward. Leave him, he is not worthy of you.

Tell him of your intention to leave, tell him u can leave peacefully. But if he tries to make things difficult for you, told him you will not just sit back and do nothing. You need not put it in spoken words, but he should noe that if he harrass u further, u can always tear his family apart easily just by going to his wife and sons.

From d way he spoke to you, I think he is trying to intimate u, trying to manipulate u. If u need further advise on how to handle this kind of useless man, dun hesitate to PM me. I am v good at manipulating pp, so can teach u a tricks or two on counter attack.

 

[scarletng]

u deserve someone better. He want to know if u want him to divorce his wife, he want to put the blame on you, if he divorce his wife, he w say u make him cos u ask him to do so. What good is in a man who dun even take responsibility on the things that he do, dun face the consequences of the choice he made.

He should be making his own decision on what he wants, and not asking u to do it and then later put the blame on you. He is a coward. Leave him, he is not worthy of you.

Tell him of your intention to leave, tell him u can leave peacefully. But if he tries to make things difficult for you, told him you will not just sit back and do nothing. You need not put it in spoken words, but he should noe that if he harrass u further, u can always tear his family apart easily just by going to his wife and sons.

From d way he spoke to you, I think he is trying to intimate u, trying to manipulate u. If u need further advise on how to handle this kind of useless man, dun hesitate to PM me. I am v good at manipulating pp, so can teach u a tricks or two on counter attack.

dear sis, please share with me, how to manupulating as he not here yet, I really want to end this affairs for the sake of my daughter future, please help, sis.
btw, your mail box is full, cannot PM you, you can PM me.

 

[Alisa]

if u have decided, then be firm. do not fall for his sweet talk or pleeding. he might use tears too.

 

[pixie]

vivitan, while it was really nice of you to share with scarlet of your personal experience, I do feel that it's so wrong to advice her to continue the relationship so long she is happy. Personally, I feel that how your relationship turned out bad with your eldest daughter has a lot to do with the way you handled it. Teenager is very rebellious at the age of 13 and very easily listened to friends advices when they feel they have been neglected.

Whether scarlet is going to remarry later or not, at this moment this is not her worry. As scarlet has pointed out, there is no tomorrow/future with this married man and if she were to continue her relationship with him, it will only project a bad image of herself to her growing up daughter. The daughter may not like it if one day the mummy were to find her a new daddy but it will be easier to explain it to her than for the child to find out that the mummy is someone's else mistress. We are all mothers here; we should have this awareness that we should not because of oneself happiness and leave a scar to our kids! I've personally came to know one person who left her disrespectful husband when she was in her 40s and then stay single to bring up her 4 kids by taking up 3-4 odd jobs to support them financially w/o help of another man. She worried that if she were to remarry and the new husband were to have an ulterior motive on her daughters, it will be her greatest regret! She has been a single mum and sacrifices for her kids w/o remarrying and she has all the respect from her kids who know how she had avoid some possible abuse that some step-father might do to the kids of the woman's previous marriage.

I have to agree with most of the mummies here, if you are dead certain that leaving this man will eventually make you a good mother, will give you back some self-esteem then be extremely firm with this man and never be swayed regardless of what sweet-nothing he tries to stop you from leaving him.

You made a wrong decision once but now it's not too late to step-out of this situation when your daughter is still young and not know of the details of your affair with this married man yet.

Chin up and be decisive; life is not always grey.

 

[msck]

my dear... I duno how u must have felt. but I have a fren who's mom is a mistress. no 名份。she loves her mom but din understand why her mom chose to be a mistress. when the father's family found out... it became very messy. she had a very difficult teenage years. it was only when she found god, she slowly learn to accrpt the fact n ok now.

it was truly a struggle for her. identity crisis. sucidal n was a lesbian for a while.

 

[scarletng]

we have a good talk this whole afternoon but he still don't want to end our affairs, he ask me, whether I want
him to divorce his wife & have him all by myself rather then shared with another woman & create a problems
to the family later, I told him all the while, I never in my heart think of asking you to divorce your wife for me,
I keep telling him because for the sake of my daughter future, thats why, he says, "yenyen" accept him, yes
but as uncle only, not as her father, she still loves her daddy very much.
I ask him, are you having problems with your wife all this while, he say no, there is nothing wrong with her,
does she know or sense, you are having affairs outside, he say no, as usual our relationships from last time
to date, no change, we still have sex few times a week, even after I had sex with me few hours ago.
what should I do now, we already talk & talk but still the same from him, I told him, I'm have make up my decission
& is final, I want to end this affairs, he say, why I want to do like that, all this while I'm treating both of you very good,
when I'm down with misery, problems who is the 1 who stand by your side, listening to your cries, shoulder for you to
lean, is me, who else, he keep saying all this & that with sad faces, begging me not to end this affairs, seeing him like
that, looks like want to cry also, it soften my heart, my mind suddenly told him, OK but I'm not asking you to divorce your
wife for the sake of me, we end up having sex later as my daughter is not around, at child care centre, just feel like
somethings, uncomfortable when having sex with him this afternoon, even now also while I writing.
btw, is there any law that can protect me from this man then coming to see me next times ? any legal advice for me ?

 

[Alisa]

i knew he will sweet talk and show his puppy face so u will be soft hearted. think unless he is violent to u then u can ask for protection. what u can do now is to avoid him, do not fall for his sweet talk or pitiful stories. i know its is hard cuz u still have feeling for him but if u never put a stop, this underground relationship will continue to go on. I know how u feel...

 

[Ting]

it seems that you r still indecisive on whether to leave this man or not. Because if u r, u wont be here asking ppl HOW to leave or what to do..
leaving is simple. just tell him firmly and be true to your decision. if u decided NOT to see him, then dont. when he asks u out, say NO, if he wanna come over say NO, ignore his calls, and everything.
collect your thoughts first, think of what u want and whats the best for you and your daughter.
you know he wont leave his family, you know that it is wrong, and you know that this will reflect badly on your daughter.. what are you teaching her?
this is morall y wrong, n letting her grow up in this situation whereby having an affair with another man is not right either. 2 wrongs doesnt make 1 right.
now she is only 4 , she doesnt understand alot of things. but 10 yrs later, when she is a teenager, she will know n uds.. n how would she feel?
has it ever crossed your mind that this affair will be exposed one day? i mean, is it really possible for u to continue this til "forever" n his wife n kids will nvr find out?
what will happen then? the man will def stick by his wife n family, n his wife would def want him to leave you.. n then what happens? he leaves u and u r liek hanging there... and what would your girl think? what if the woman came up to u n create a scene??
nvr thought of it b4? u may hv kept it under wraps for 2yrs+ but how long more can u keep it a secret without hving the fear of being exposed one day.

If u alr decided to break up then be firm.. nope, its not easy becos u still hv strong feelings for him, but u gotto do what u gotta do. FIRM, DECISIVE.
dont keep saying, he refuse to break up, bla bla bla... if u want to, he cant do anything abt it... he can pester u but for how long? trust me, give him a few mths, after u iggnore him n everything, he will give up.. becos he doesnt lose anything.. he has his wife n family.. n he can jolly well look for another "woman" again...

 

[Ting]

if im not wrong, u can make a police report against him.... tell them he is harassing you.